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Monday Cartoons ... apologies for the delay Yesterday's Missing Agnus
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 17, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for March 17, 2025 Kirk's Limericks New receptionist job, good sensations At hotel where I worked. Expectations Were real high to begin On first day I walked in. Then I started to get reservations. Jim, Dick, Gary, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. ----- If you give alcohol a good-bye And decide that hard drugs you will try, I will hasten to tell That it won't turn out well, Because then you'll be left high and dry. Jim, Carol, Dickhead, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns Someone told me I looked like a bottle of relish. I took it as a condiment. When driving a car, baseball players keep their mitts in the glove compartment. The quadruplets were always wandering off. It was a four-gone conclusion. Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck. You may not take a second polygraph test because they can't be re-lied upon. ----- Teacher pulls shadow prank in math class. Much respect for a teacher who goes in so much effort to make his students laugh. https://www.wimp.com/teacher-pulls-shadow-prank-in-math-class/ ----- A Special Pizza Delivery https://tinyurl.com/qwxpizza Kirk Miller _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Some Humorous Quotes Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Have you heard of Murphy's Law -Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong -What's about Cole's law? -No -It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream ----- What happened to the man running in front of the car? --He was tired What happened to the man running behind the car? --He was exhausted Received from Reddit Clean. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Lesson In Coal A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.” Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.” ----- Cheerful Giving A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before th
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 16, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limerick To Las Vegas, casinos entice The old man with his big gambling vice. Though he wanted to go, I suppose that you know That his wife told her husband, "No dice!" Jim, Conrad, Erika, Dickhead, Bill, Lars, Carol, Grover, Lee, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. -- Joe Namath ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris. How does NASA organize a party? They planet. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day for March: What do you call a group of cars sitting in a parking lot with their engines running on March 15? The idles of March Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession. Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole. It was noted that BEA WEARS THE HIDES OF MARJ. Two parents were discussing the relative merits of playground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides." Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!" Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into apiculture. He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of his friends. Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar, went to visit him in his apiary one spring day, but was unable to locate the bee colonies. He did, however, encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a nearby flower, so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where are the hives of March?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Not so Nice Yo momma so fat, you can throw a rock in any direction and still hit her. Your momma so fat that wherever she sits in a room she is sitting next to you.. When she sits around the house she really sits AROUND the house Can we stop making fun of fat people, please? They have enough on their plate already. Received from Accomplished Pen. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How to Give Your Cat a Pill I. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under the sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under the bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in the bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper
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Daily Clean Jokes for Thursday, March 15, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: At the cheese plant, we all had to flee From explosions they didn’t foresee. At the end of the day, Heard a newscaster say That the only thing left was de Brie. (Kirk Miller) Quote of the Day: "I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" -- Dave Barry Today's One-Liner: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Quick Jokes A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like 1this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ----- I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, "Pardon me for not standing." Received from Laugh & Lift ----- Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility. My parents had remote control in the 1950s. Here’s how it worked: “Son, go change to channel 4, would you please?” Received from Conrad Macina. Clean Laffs "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. It's always fun when people who can't stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won't have to see each other for a whole year. It's like international Thanksgiving." -- Craig Ferguson "Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth 'Bourne Identity' movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college." -- Jimmy Fallon "Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing." -- Seth Meyers ----- After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one. By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?" Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him. Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out. The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. "His name is Tiny," replies the man. "Why do you call him that?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" Received from Clean Laffs Charm School Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman rep
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Daily Clean Jokes for December 14, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "My new relish invention," said Mum, "Has been selling quite well. I've become Very wealthy. You see I'm financially free, And it's now my main sauce of income." ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. We never will run out of math teachers because they always multiply. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. I had a nice German Christmas cake, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen. ----- Kirk's Video of the Day: https://www.wimp.com/teacher-reads-some-pretty-insane-parent-requests/ Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures - it's my face. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: If you see a married couple still in love through the years, you may think how lucky they are. But in marital relations, there is no such thing as luck. They made many compromises, they overlooked each other's faults. They forgave many mistakes and endured many problems. They spent years learning to understand one another. Love has never been a matter of luck. It's mutual giving, compromise, shared dreams, care, respect, mercy and patience. - Unknown ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Drum Funny A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo. Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums." As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!" Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!" [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Smarter Salesperson In a department store, a difficult customer and a remarkably patient sales associate were struggling to find common ground. Nothing the associate suggested seemed to be good enough. Finally, the finicky shopper huffed in frustration, "Isn't there someone smarter who can assist me?" "No," the associate replied. "The smarter one saw you coming and made a quick exit." Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically stuck his arm out the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear: "Young man ... you keep both hands on the wheel ... I'll tell you when it's raining!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dalmation Role A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngst
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 13, 2025 Kirk's Limericks At a mime class reunion, don't botch What you do, always acting top-notch. If you hear any noise, Just ignore; keep your poise. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. Jim, Bill, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: Two crooks bought a hotel. They were inn mates. You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. He bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Entertaining Guests After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." A Brief History Of Medicine 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Actual Answer from a Medical Student While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.” ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: https://fb.watch/xW8edkmtgj/ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't judge a book by it's cover. A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Computer Funny If every computer were replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch: 1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time rea
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Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for March 12, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Miller I had hoped the café would perhaps Show their trick to prevent some prolapse Of burritos they sold, But the manager told Me the secret was kept under wraps. Conrad, Bill, Jim got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye. The price of shingles is going through the roof. Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibility of a unique teaching position. On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story. "Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked. "Not initially." Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Snail Funny A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them! A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?" The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast." >>>Today's Thot My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Delivery My normally petite wife grew extremely large during her pregnancy with our second child. By her ninth month she had become accustomed to a lot of attention and good-natured teasing. One day, just before the baby was due, she went to the post office. Watching her waddle up to his window, the postal clerk quipped, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can help you here." Without missing a beat, my wife responded, "But I thought you delivered!" Received from GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish? — A pair of swimming trunks. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? — Elephino. What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant? — A dead ant. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? — A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stephen Wright has some great short jokes: "I once bought som
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 11, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Mouse: "I hear you volunteered at the monastery's food festival today." Pig: "Yeah, I cooked the fried chicken, but I got grease on my pants" Mouse: "What's wrong with that?" Pig: "When I went to change them, I tripped and fell on one of the monks." Mouse: "So it went from bad to worse?" Pig: "From out of the frying pants into the friar." (Pearls Before Swine: Stephen Pastis) Quote of the Day: Beware of half-truths ... you may get the wrong half. Today's One-Liner: Doubt not your wife`s wisdom, ... look who she married. !! I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, Hon." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Joan Keyser Top Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty By Charles M. Sevilla Ask if you can listen to your iPod during the trial. Propose to the defendant. When the person says, "No," reply: "Well I know how I'll be voting." Apply for a job at the court that wants to hire you as a juror. Start a Conga line with the other jurors. Wear 3-D glasses. Mimic everything the defense lawyer does. Please note: this will not only get you excused, it will also get you a psychological evaluation. Refer to the judge as Big Daddy. When they use big words like, homicide, act like you need to look it up in the dictionary. Show up dressed in a clown suit. During the prosecution's opening statements stand up and yell, "That's enough for me, let's hang 'em." Ask the judge where they keep the salad bar. During the trial read a book. Every now and then look up and say, "You don't say." When you go out to dinner tell the waiter, "Don't worry the judge is picking up the tab." Every day come dressed as a different member of the Walt Disney family so that you'll stand out in the artist sketches. Keep winking at the defense lawyer. Insist that the lawyers pipe the theme music from Perry Mason into the court room before the trial starts. Ask the judge if they allow cameras in the court room because you would really like to take pictures. Have a pizza delivered to the witness stand. Call several publishers and say you might have a book deal. During deliberations use the phrase, "Eeeny, Meany, Miney, Moe." When the defense lawyer starts his case stand up and yell, "I object." Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs "IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." -- Jay Leno "Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, 'What's that?' I said, 'This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew.'" -- Dave Letterman "Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day, but it's all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'" *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" anoth
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 10, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks On Sunday we got to spring time Ahead at the two o'clock chime. You set our clock early, And then you were surely Known as ahead of our time. Daylight Saving Time really is bright. We defer until later the night. With more daylight for me, I presume that you see In our household, it's called Miller Light. - Kirk Miller Why settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: My bowling league meets every Monday, and I play terribly every time, and it always pisses me off. My team says I have irritable bowl syndrome. Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side. An auctioneer often looks forbidding. A carpenter is a shelf made man. When he tripped and fell in the wet concrete, he left a bad impression. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Decision Funny A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it. "Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied. Confused, the king asked, "Yet?" To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision." >>>Today's Thot I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Driving Too Young The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him. The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys." The sermon continued undisturbed... after a good laugh by the congregation. Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?” Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side And that's how the fight started ... One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I boughimilt you last year!" And that's how the fight started ... Similarly: Wife to husband: “Last year we bought my mother a chair for Christmas. What should we do this year?” “Electrify it.” Received from Conrad Macina. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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English Readings for March 10, 2025
English Readings for March 10, 2025 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What’s the Right Choice of Friends? Darrell Delaney Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. — Proverb I’m thankful to have realized the value of choosing good friends and company. Past experiences and wisdom from mentors have shown me that the people we spend time with can shape our character and outcome in significant ways. In my younger days I often gravitated toward friends who had interests like mine—but not always the same values. In contrast, I remember a colleague who constantly encouraged me to pursue excellence and integrity. His unwavering support and positive influence spurred me to aim higher and live more faithfully. This clarified for me the importance of surrounding myself with people who uplift and inspire. Today's proverbs underscores the wisdom in choosing our companions carefully. Walking with the wise not only imparts knowledge but also fosters a life aligned with good principles. Conversely, keeping company with people who reject wisdom (“fools”) can lead to damaging consequences. Choosing the right friends means seeking out people who exhibit qualities such as honesty, kindness, and faithfulness. These relationships can encourage moral growth and provide support during challenging times. It’s essential to cultivate friendships that reflect honesty and truth, helping us grow into the people we are intended us to be. Be guided seek relationships that inspire and encourage us to live honestly and truthfully. Protect yourself from harmful influences. Try to reflect your love and wisdom. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Extending Love One winter day in Michigan, a delivery man noticed an elderly woman shoveling snow off her driveway. He stopped and convinced the eighty-one-year-old to let him finish the job. Concerned that he’d be late delivering his other packages, she retrieved another shovel. They worked side by side for almost fifteen minutes as her neighbors watched from afar. “I’m thankful you helped me,” she said. “You’re a blessing. How would you define the concept of loving your neighbors? ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’. There is a story about two leaders who ignored a robbery victim as they walked down the path. But a person most people in those days considered inferior—stopped his journey down the path to help the man in need. When the expert of the law realized that the one who had mercy on the man had loved like a neighbor, he was encouraged to do likewise. Loving (caring for or helping) others isn’t always easy or convenient. But it is the right thing to do. By Xochitl Dixon REFLECT Have you ever been shown love through an unexpected neighbor's help? Who can you show caring attention to in a practical way this week? Seek opportunities to love all the people with all people you meet whom you call "my neighbors". ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Voice of the day I am what what my creator made me to be. - Benitez, “Conclave” (2024) As the potter who shapes us, help us embrace with gratitude that we are who we were made us to be. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Worth it The good you do is worth the trouble. The value created by your efforts is worth the inconvenience. The experience you’ve gained outweighs the setbacks you’ve gone through. The strength you’ve built has amply rewarded the sacrifices along the way. Today brings an opportunity to continue investing in life’s goodness and fulfillment. The effort won’t be easy, and will be worth it. Yo
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 9, 2025 As they sped through the outskirts of town, The man's wife on her face wore a frown. When she said, "Dear, you need To reduce your high speed," Man refused and he put his foot down. Jim, Bill, Grover got it. ----- I am not one to judge, but it's true: If you don't clean your mirrors, you'll rue The results you'll incur, 'Cause I know that for sure They'll reflect very poorly on you. Kirk Millerhttps://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When the tourists saw Paris' famous tower lit up at night, they got an Eiffel. The air conditioner cost more than they were hoping, but they were cool with that. Johannes Gutenberg announced his new invention at the press conference. After spending money on an advertising campaign, the limo company's business was picking up. Those who use scissors on the job have their work cut out for them. ----- Bedding Officials Demand Recount BEDFORD, TX—Alarmed by reports of incorrect thread counts in the nation's blankets and sheets, bedding officials demanded nationwide thread recounts Monday. "This tears it," National Bed & Bath Commission director David Morgan said. "Thread-count inaccuracies are influencing outcomes in shopping districts across the nation. Americans are electing to buy products using confusing and misleading labels." Morgan said his goal is not to condemn manufacturers with blanket statements, but to correct the snag. "The idea that quality is based on thread count is not some old yarn—it's woven into the fabric of our society," Morgan said. "But the system for quality control is threadbare. It's coming apart at the seams. We can't pull the covers over our heads and ignore it any longer." The thread count of cloth amounts to the number of horizontal and vertical threads in one square inch of fabric. The NBBC has documented several dozen instances in which different standards were used to count the threads, in order to misrepresent the quality and value of a bedding product. Morgan said the NBBC believes that the tests currently in use favor North American and European textiles over ethnic textiles, such as Egyptian cotton, South American wools, and Indian batiks. The looming challenge is to modify the standards without unraveling them altogether. "I admit that, in the past, I've championed softer, more liberal bedding standards," Morgan said. "But I'd hate to see my views adversely affect sales of those sheets cut from a different cloth." Although a thorough canvassing of the thread-count procedures must be undertaken before any balancing actions are performed, investigators say they will look into cover-up allegations, including the particularly seamy possibility that white sheets were automatically given a higher thread count than textiles of color. "For years, we've suspected that the whites were cared for differently than colored items," NBBC official George Vega said. "Some manufacturers actually out-and-out recommended that whites and colors be treated, and in some cases pretreated, differently. It's enough to make me worry that we might never get things all sewn up." NBBC evaluator JoAnn Baugh said local-level thread counters are not the only ones to blame. "Corruption at the highest levels of home furnishing is bound to come out in the wash eventually," Baugh said. "We shouldn't have let them pull the wool over our eyes for so long." "The best thing would be for everyone involved to own up to their own quilt," Baugh added. "But if no one comes forward and admits to being in bed with special interests, it may be years before we can get this issue ironed out." Morgan agreed that the NBBC will need time to sort the piles of material evidence. "It'll be a while before we can put this whole thing to bed," Morgan said. "It's a shame that our nation has become enmeshed in this king-sized controversy. But if we are going to count threads, we should have a solid set of standards. That way, we can all rest easy." _______________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 8, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Friday night with my girlfriend was great. Local aviary was first rate. Didn't cost much money. You might find this punny: The experience was a cheep date. Dick, Conrad, Jim got it. ----- I am not one to judge, but it's true: If you don't clean your mirrors, you'll rue The results you'll incur, 'Cause I know that for sure They'll reflect very poorly on you. Conrad, Bill, Chris, and Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Clarification Humor from the BabylonBee.com Republicans Clarify That Deficit Spending Only A Problem When Democrats Do It WASHINGTON, D.C. — Soon after presenting a new spending bill that adds billions of dollars to the federal deficit, Republicans helpfully explained to constituents that deficit spending is only bad when Democrats do it. "We know you all don't like deficit spending, but this is totally different," said House Speaker Mike Johnson in a press conference. "This is Republican deficit spending. You see, it's different because Republicans are doing it, which is good." "We hope that helps clear up all the confusion." Experts who fact-checked the Speaker's claim have admitted that Republicans are now the ones who are overspending, which is indeed different than when the Democrats do the overspending. "His logic is unassailable," said a source within the Congressional Budget Office. Republicans also confirmed that the funding of Planned Parenthood in their bill was actually Republican funding of Planned Parenthood, and that the overspending on defense and entitlements in their bill was actually Republican overspending on defense and entitlements. "See? It's much better when we're the ones doing this," explained Speaker Johnson. At publishing time, Republicans had assured nervous Americans that the job of bankrupting the country would be handed back over to the Democrats in 2 years. 1 attachmentDownload ----- Do you remember? Click this link first - Do you remember it? https://tinyurl.com/oneeyedonehorn Then read the attached PDF file - very short -- Thanks, Kirk! Memories! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Money Woes I grew up living paycheck to paycheck... But through hard work, time and perseverance... I now live direct deposit to direct deposit! ----- What Is 'Old'? 'Old' is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! ----- Thought Of The Day: The Stupidity of the Average Person “Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -- George Carlin ----- Chess With My Dog Me: I taught my dog to play chess. Friend: He must be very smart? Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three! ----- Silent Letter When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?" Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent." During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 7, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Don't spread rumors or gossip. I've found That advice will turn out to be sound Because if you throw dirt, You just cannot avert Bad effects, and you'll surely lose ground. Conrad, Bill, Grover, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility. When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "This one is on me." Vinyl records are really groovy. When scissors were first invented, they were on the cutting edge. Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side. ----- Fifteen Hilarious Parenting Comics that Are Almost Too Real https://tinyurl.com/xparentingx ----- Remove Ring https://tinyurl.com/xringxwq ----- Try this Window Cleaning Trick the Next Time You Gas Up https://www.wimp.com/try-this-window-cleaning-trick-next-time-you-get-gas/ Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What's a joke that you've only heard once but still remember it? Bert, a charge nurse is doing his rounds in a mental health facility. He hears some maniacal giggling coming from behind a closed door and opens it to investigate. He sees Joe, renowned for his antics, suspended in mid-air by a rope. The top end is fastened securely to a fitting on the ceiling 10 feet up and the other end is tied around his waist. He calls to Joe, “What the hell are you doing?” “Hanging,” replies Joe, with a laugh. “Oh, really? You're supposed to put the rope around your neck.” Joe laughs. “Oh, Bert! Don't be silly. If Joe did that he would choke to death.” -- Dinos Constantinou ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Speech Funny The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for." >>>Today's Thot I smile because I have no idea what's going on. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________School Bus It was an emotional day for me when my six-year-old twins headed off for their first day of school. Four-year-old Andrew and I accompanied them to the corner to wait for the bus. When it arrived and the boys climbed on and waved good-bye, I could no longer hold back my tears. "Don't cry, Mommy," said Andrew reassuringly. "Maybe one day you'll get to ride in a school bus too!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner I am now "take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it" years old. ----- Clint the Termite Pun I just got myself a pet termite and named him Clint. Clint Eats Wood. ----- Country Boys These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying t
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Daily Clean JOKES for March 6, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Plant horse chestnut trees through ambulation All across the U.S. Forestation Ought to be the result. After years, I'll exult. I am planning to conker the nation. Note: a conker is a horse chestnut Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Very Punny I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick ... She's still not talking to me ... My friend keeps saying "Cheer up, Man; it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water ... I know means well. What do you call a belt made out of hundred-dollar bills? A waist of money. A friend said she didn't understand cloning ... I told her that makes two of us. What's Irish and stays outside all year? Patty O'Furniture. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds. What do you call a bullet-proof Irishman? Rick O'Shea A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue." I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! My friend went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him. He just can't part with it. Yesterday I saw an ad that said, 'Radio for Sale, $1, volume stuck on full.' I thought, 'I can't turn that down. A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help. But I stand corrected. What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Cantelope. I went to McDonald's today and ate a Kid's Meal. It was good, but his mom was furious ... I once dated a girl with a lazy eye. I always thought she was seeing someone on the side. I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it. What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care. Thief steals wheels off police car! Cops work tirelessly to nab suspect. Received from Kirk Miller. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Door Funny Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen. One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this." >>>Today's Thot Money can't buy everything...but then again neither can no money. ----- A Confession Funny A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled. "But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the present
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 5, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The two prisoners had the same traits, So they bought some hotels in four states And became best of friends. You should know how this ends: Both the convicts were known as inn mates. Dick, Grover, Jim got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns Whether or not the substitute teacher would be teaching science, history, math, etc. was subject to change. The best pitcher in the league signed the new contract so that he could strike it rich. For PBA hall of famer Earl Anthony, bowling left-handed was right up his alley. Tension was high on the set because the movie stars were having trouble interacting. Edward came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, "Well, I ran into Mary. You remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me." "Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted." ----- A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. ''Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. -- Grouch Marx Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics! I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ineffective Daily Affirmations Thanks to Cybersaltine W. McLauren for sending these (I don't think he lives by or recommends all of them.) -All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality. - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday. - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. - I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone. - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective a
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 4, 2023 Velcro wall is a dream. I'll pursue it In my man-cave. My wife will pooh-pooh it. She is thinking that I'll Give up after a while. She will be surprised. I will stick to it. Erika, Lee, Dick, Jim, Bill, Carol, Conrad, Grover, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate type-O's. Fans couldn't get soda pop during the doubleheader because the home team lost the opener. An auctioneer often looks forbidding. Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibilities of a unique teaching position. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......"Get out of my kitchen" she said, "they're for the funeral." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. Father Rafferty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" Father Rafferty asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle." The best of Aubrey Plaza (David Letterman) _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Snuggles After I tucked my six-year-old daughter into bed, she asked if she could sleep with Snuggles, my special teddy bear, because she was just a little scared. I looked at her bed, filled with her own dolls and bears, and said, "What about all of these?" "They won't help," she replied. "They're already asleep." -----Birthday TV My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used large screen TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 3, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Origami show's one that I knew Would be televised, but I did rue What I found on TV. Wasn't able to see The world championship; it's paper view. Lee, Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The price of shingles is going through the roof. An archaeologist's career ended in ruins. If a town's people have low IQs, is the population dense? Thirsty jokers can be seen waiting in the punch line. In medical school, he worried about passing as a surgeon, but he made the cut. ----- Government Efficiency https://youtu.be/PokG301G02c ----- Stunning Aurora https://www.wimp.com/stunning-aurora-seen-from-the-space-station/ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the best joke you have recently heard? An FBI agent goes to deliver a warrant to search the premises of this country bumkin. The agent knocks on the door and an old and weathered-looking man of about sixty-five answers. The agent says, "I have a warrant to search the property" and shows the old guy the warrant. The old guy looks it over and says, "Very well, you can search anywhere you wish, but don't go behind the barn. Besides, it's locked to prevent intruders from entering." The FBI agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this badge? Along with this warrant, it gives me the right to search any part of this property I see fit. Do not tell me where I can and I cannot search ... "Do you understand me" in an authoritative voice. "I will do whatever is necessary to complete my investigation, again, do you understand me?" This time even more forceful. The old timer says, "Yeah I understand, loud and clear, you can do whatever you want on my property and I got nothing to say about it." The FBI agent says, "Good, as long as we understand each other" and walks away with an air of superiority. About five minutes pass and the old geezer hears: "Help, help me, God please help me!!" And the old guy runs as fast as he can to the cries for help, and upon approach, the FBI agent is on top of the fence that he breached because the door was locked and with a hundred and fifty pound Rottweiler tugging at the agent's arm that is wielding a gun and trying its level best to tear it off. The old guy continues forward yelling, "Show him your badge and warrant, show him your badge and warrant!!" As seen at Quora Jokes. __________________________________________________________________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer ... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. As seen at Poetic Expressions. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Too Tired To Think 8am: Too tired to think. Noon: Too tired to think. 5pm: Too tired to think. Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles? ----- Duck, Duck, Goose Bob and George are golfing, when a bird flies overhead. "Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goos
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 2, 2025
Daily Clean Jokes for March 2, 2025 Kirk's Limerick A cosmologist friend of mine, Matt, Said this weekend that he'll get to chat In a meeting about Some black holes. There's no doubt I would hate to get sucked into that. Lee, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ------ The cannibal's cookbook titled "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man" was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids. At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me. The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent. It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ At the Restaurant My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table. Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!" The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!" Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!" ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades. ----- Quote of the Day "Do what makes you happy, because when you die, your job will be posted before your obituary." - Unknown ----- Antsy Antics Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants ----- This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife thr
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 2, 2025 Kirk's Limerick A cosmologist friend of mine, Matt, Said this weekend that he'll get to chat In a meeting about Some black holes. There's no doubt I would hate to get sucked into that. Lee, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ------ The cannibal's cookbook titled "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man" was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids. At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me. The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent. It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pastor Tim A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!" ----- Today's One-Liner The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades. ----- Quote of the Day "Do what makes you happy, because when you die, your job will be posted before your obituary." - Unknown ----- Antsy Antics Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants ----- This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business. It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers! Today's video share is of a 3 year-old violinist: it was just too cute to not share! Click here to watch. ----- Vicar's Surprise A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, fil
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Kirk's Limericks At a mime class reunion, don't botch What you do, always acting top-notch. If you hear any noise, Just ignore; keep your poise. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. Jim, Bill, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: Two crooks bought a hotel. They were inn mates. You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. He bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Entertaining Guests After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." A Brief History Of Medicine 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Actual Answer from a Medical Student While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.” ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: https://fb.watch/xW8edkmtgj/ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't judge a book by it's cover. A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What’s a Pirates favourite cheese? Chedd-AAR. There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France… all that was left was de brie. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. What do cheese salesmen sa
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Sat 8:39am
Sat 8:39am