Daily Clean Jokes for March 11, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 11, 2025 Today's Clean Pun:??Mouse:?"I hear you volunteered at the monastery's food festival today." ? Pig: "Yeah, I cooked the fried chicken, but I got grease on my pants" ? Mouse: "What's wrong with that?" ? Pig: "When I went to change them, I tripped and fell on one of the monks." ? Mouse: "So it went from bad to worse?" ? Pig: "From out of the frying pants into the friar." ? (Pearls Before Swine: Stephen Pastis) ? ? Quote of the Day:??Beware of half-truths ... you may get the wrong half. ? ? Today's One-Liner:??Doubt not your wife`s wisdom, ... look who she married. !! ? ? I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, Hon." ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Joan Keyser ? ? Top Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty By Charles M. Sevilla ? Ask if you can listen to your iPod during the trial. ? Propose to the defendant. When the person says, "No," reply: "Well I know how I'll be voting." ? Apply for a job at the court that wants to hire you as a juror. ? Start a Conga line with the other jurors. ? Wear 3-D glasses. ? Mimic everything the defense lawyer does. Please note: this will not only get you excused, it will also get you a psychological evaluation. ? Refer to the judge as Big Daddy. ? When they use big words like, homicide, act like you need to look it up in the dictionary. ? Show up dressed in a clown suit. ? During the prosecution's opening statements stand up and yell, "That's enough for me, let's hang 'em." ? Ask the judge where they keep the salad bar. ? During the trial read a book. Every now and then look up and say, "You don't say." ? When you go out to dinner tell the waiter, "Don't worry the judge is picking up the tab." ? Every day come dressed as a different member of the Walt Disney family so that you'll stand out in the artist sketches. ? Keep winking at the defense lawyer. ? Insist that the lawyers pipe the theme music from Perry Mason into the court room before the trial starts. ? Ask the judge if they allow cameras in the court room because you would really like to take pictures. ? Have a pizza delivered to the witness stand. ? Call several publishers and say you might have a book deal. ? During deliberations use the phrase, "Eeeny, Meany, Miney, Moe." ? When the defense lawyer starts his case stand up and yell, "I object." ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? Clean Laffs ? "IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt."?-- Jay Leno ? "Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, 'What's that?' I said, 'This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew.'"?-- Dave Letterman ? "Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day, but it's all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? ----- ? A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. ? "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'" ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested. ? "I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard? doesn't have Roman numerals on it." ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Cute as a Bug ? A man was pleased to see his small daughter's fascination as she??stared at a bug in their backyard. He thought she was developing??an interest in science. Then the child remarked, "Grandma says I'm??as cute as a bug. The bugs where she lives must be cuter than ours." ? ----- ? Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun ? ? Thought for the Day: ? "I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright nooooooooow!"? ? -- Bill Connoly ? ----- ? Riddle Me Do: ? A woman drove to the video store, She got out, and accidently locked her keys in the car. She went into the store to rent some videos. She came back out and unlocked the door without touching "anything" on the outside of the car. How did she do it? ? From Lot's O'Riddles ? ----- ? What If I Color outside the Line?? ? What if I color outside the line? Would all my crayons melt? Would both my eyes go blind? What if I painted the grass 'sky blue'? or an apple 'orange'? What harm would it do? What if I put ketchup on Jell-O? Or frosting on fries? Would it tatste bad? How do you know? What if I walked backwards all day???Would I see things I missed? When I walked the other way? There??are so many ways to do what I do, Just a little bit differently Than the way I'm suppose??to. So don't scold me or impose??a stiffer fine. I know what I'm doing, and I'm doing just fine. When you see me outside the line. ? From "How To Have Zip and Zest When You're 80" ? ----- ? Answer of Riddle:??The car was a convertible and she reached inside to open the door. ? Via Syman Says;?SYMANSAYS@... ? ? An Art 'Funny' ? Little Dewey is in art class. The art teacher looks at his blank paper and asks, "What are you drawing?" ? Dewey answers, "A cow eating grass." ? "Where's the grass?" ? "The cow ate it." ? "Oh...well, what about the cow?" ? "She ran away." ? ----- ? You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ? Bottle Trouble ? A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. ? "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. ? Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." ? Received from Blue Sky ? ? Woman to friend: "If I make it through the day without eating ice cream, I reward myself with chocolate-chip cookies." ? ----- ? My 12-year-old daughter was looking through an old magazine and came across a photograph of a young woman who was described as being 35-26-36."What are we supposed to do?" she asked me, "Guess her age?" ? ----- ? Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door on their cruise ship. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? Hospital ? In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms. ? An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. ? I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital. ? "Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had taken so long, I'm not sure I have time now." ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Sign on gynecologist's office: "Dr. .Jones, at your cervix." Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped! Surgery Kit ... If you don't trust doctors then buy this new product.??It's a home surgery kit called "Suture Self". ? ? How'd He Do That? ? A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had??broken into his house the night before. ? "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. ? "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ? Received from Aiken Drums ? ? Be Careful ? Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. ? A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. ? A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” ? Harris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” ? The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.” ? ----- ? Murderous Neighbor ? A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.” ? From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!” ? “Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” ? “You tightwad!” blurts the spectator. ? “Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.” ? “You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout. ? The judge thunders back, ” I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?” ? “I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?” ? As seen at jokeaday ? ? “If you got guts.” Sell your car and become a pedestrian. ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? My Super Ex-Wife ? My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences. ? She thought she was God. ? I disagreed. ? Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ? ADULT TRUTHS ? Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. ? Nothing's worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. ? I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. ? There is great need for a sarcasm font. ? How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? ? Was learning cursive really necessary? ? Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. ? I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. ? Bad decisions make good stories. ? You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. ? Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again. ? I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. ? I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. ? I think the freezer deserves a light as well. ? I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. ? I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. ? How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? ? I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! ? Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. ? Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. ? ----- ? OUT-OF-OFFICE EMAIL AUTO-REPLIES: ? Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word. ? I am currently not available to reply to your message. This does not mean that I am not receiving your message. It just means that I am not replying to you. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message. ? Thank you for your message, which has been added to a response queue. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. ? Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. When my Inbox reaches capacity, messages will be deleted on a FIFO basis. ? I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to write. I am making some changes in my life. If I do not reply, you are one of the changes. ? ----- ? Thought for Today: ? "I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser." ? (Arnold Palmer. b. 1929) ? Received from Daily-Humor ? Thoughts How come abbreviated is such a long word? ? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak? ? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? ? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? ? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? ? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? ? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? ? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? ? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? ? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? ? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? ? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! ? Do fish get cramps after eating? ? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? ? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? ? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? ? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? ? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? ? Sewing Machine Ad ? The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. ? MONDAY: For sale: R.??D.??Jones has one sewing machine for sale.??Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M..??and ask for Mrs.??Kelly who lives with him cheap. ? TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In R.??D.??Jones' ad yesterday.??It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.??Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.??Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." ? WEDNESDAY: Notice: R.??D.??Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.??The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.??D.??Jones has one sewing machine for sale.??Cheap.??Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.??and ask for Mrs.??Kelly who loves with him." ? THURSDAY: Notice: I, R.??D.??Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.??I intentionally broke it.??Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.??I have not been carrying on with Mrs.??Kelly.??Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit. ? Received from You Make Me Laugh ? ? Room Reservations ? The children of our parish in Tokyo had been practicing their Christmas play. Right on cue, the innkeeper said, "There is no room." ? No one was prepared for Joseph when he turned to Mary and said, "I told you to make reservations! " ? Received from jshylumcleanjokes ? Daily Trivia Question:???What do you call the Japanese martial art of fencing using bamboo sticks? Answer:??Kendo Lula da Silva co-founded the left-wing Workers' Party and led it to power in Brazil throughout the 1990s. He is probably the most popular president that Brazil ever had. He was born dirt-poor, but was, according to Mental Floss, able to pay for his education thanks to a mysterious bag of money, which nobody ever claimed, money it would have taken the family three years to make on its own. ? What’s on the Web? ----------------------- Boys’ Quartet ----- *Eye Laugh* ? ? PUNS OF THE DAY? ? In Italy, men are bereft: The economy's lost all its heft. They no longer can rent Second places — they're spent! So most have no mistresses left. (Madeleine Begun Kane) ? I was standing in line at the bank one?Monday?morning, when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?" I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?" It turnhed out she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign said, "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD?FRIDAY." ? Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. ? Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly.... not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.' One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired." ? Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up no bull!" ? To address the growing problem of obesity in our society, the Catholics now has a special room in the church where you can go to anonymously unburden yourself of your calorie-packed holiday candies and cookies. They call it a "confectional." If you go there often enough, you're sure to loose that big belly and find "ab-solution."?(Gary Hallock) ? Sign in a hotel Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOin M, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.?(Richard Lederer)? ? A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about', she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming into port, always heads for the buoys. ? In morning service at our church, the pastor asked the congregation if anyone had something to thank God for. An elderly gentleman rose to his feet and said, "I want to thank God for my new hearing aid. Now I can hear you." He paused before adding with a smile, "When I want to." ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?
Give us a sense of humor, Give us the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk ... Have a great day unless you have other plans. Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. To SUBSCRIBE:?dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... ? To UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with?dailycleanjokes-unsubscribe@... For those that are sharing jokes from this email on their websites or newsletters, please list subscribing information as:? Send an email to?dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... ? . ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? ? ? |