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Daily Clean Jokes for April 7, 2025 Didn't know how he ought to begin Losing weight, really wants to be thin. He has just lost a pound, So is going around And he's sporting a real big fat grin. --- On car radio when Dad was stressed, Certain stations he often expressed Had a format that he Could enjoy. I could see That pop music was what he liked best. Bill got it. Kirk Millerhttps://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane. My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how to feel about it! _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Pope’s Surprise Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008 This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is... Operator Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number? Customer Hi, I'd like to place an order. Operator I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610. Operator Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Your email address is http//usf418mail@... ym/Compose?To=sheehan@... Which number are you calling from sir? Customer Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information? Operator We're wired into the HSS, sir. Customer The HSS, what is that? Operator We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer

Daily Clean Jokes for April 6, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Boxer lost six straight bouts. Filled with wrath, He is pondering the aftermath. He decides that hiking Should be to his liking, So he'll be off of the beaten path. Jim, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Dick, got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -- Mark Twain Smoking can kill you. And if you've been killed you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away. -- Stephen Hawking If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. -- Reese Witherspoon And now the sequence of events, in no particular order. -- Dan Rather ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I don’t have commitment issues, I run marathons! Completed my first marathon … of TV show episodes! My love for chocolate is a marathon; it never ends. After 10 marathons, I finally found my sole purpose! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Vote Funny The new pastor at a country church had some exciting ideas for the future. At the elders meeting he presented his vision with great energy and passion. The senior elder then called for a vote. All 12 elders voted "NAY"; only the pastor voted "AYE." The pastor was crestfallen, but just at that moment the clouds darkened, thunder rolled, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the elders to the ground. As they all got up and dusted themselves off the senior elder said, "Well, that's twelve votes to two then." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot Beware of a new Amazon scam. My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry but motorcycle parts came instead! Thankfully, they fit his bike. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Very Fancy Party A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?" Received from Steve Sanderson.via GCFL. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 3, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The astronomy course was by far The one class I did better than par. When it came to the skies, I was really quite wise And the teacher said I was the star. Carol, Jim, Lars, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ B.O.O.K. Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software: B.O.O.K. BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most efficient interface yet developed! And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet! BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it! BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed! Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ... any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer! A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years! Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used. You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions. Life is short. Information is dear. Forget the Internet. When deciding to access information, think BOOK. ----- Today's One-Liner My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "Is it because of your hair?" - so now I'm crying for two reasons. ----- Quote of the Day "It's easier to fool people than it is to convince them they've been fooled." - Mark Twain ----- Gas Station Arrest I stopped at the gas station to get a bottle of water. As I was pulling up, I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid, crazy, or both?" especially with the police standing right there! However, I minded my own business and went inside to get my drink. As I was paying for my water, I heard someone screaming! It sounded like violent death screams! I looked outside and saw that the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around, and going nuts! When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground, and they were putting the fire out. Then, they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car. I was thinking, "Arrested? Shoul

Daily Clean Jokes for April 5, 2025 * Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. * The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. * Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. * One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. * Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. * Due to a slight mix-up with pills on the kitchen counter, my husband will be heartworm-free for the next 30 days. * "The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'" - Jack Handy _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man from Poland goes to the optometrist who shows him a card with the letters: "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z." "Can you read this?" the optometrist asks. "Read it?" He replies, "I know the guy!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "My wife is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby, I asked my four-year-old niece, Justina, "What do you want, a baby brother or a baby sister?" "Aunt Donna," she chided, "sometimes you just gots to take what God gives ya." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway in the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox. As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 'Golf does strange things to other people, too. It makes liars out of honest men, cheats out of altruists, cowards out of brave men, and fools out of everybody.' -- Milton Gross _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; what does is the realization that he's married to a grandmother. __________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 4, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks I asked sketch artist when she'd begin On my portrait. She said with a grin: An appointment you should Make with me so I could Check my schedule and pencil you in. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Chris, Dickhead, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Good news about volunteering https://tinyurl.com/goodkindness ----- https://www.wimp.com/take-a-ride-on-knex-roller-coaster/ Received from Kirk Miller. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. -- C.S. Lewis ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on our birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A Healthy Dose of Punning "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now." Apart from the initial shock and subsequent giggle, this pun gets you thinking about perspectives again. It's all about how you look at things. Even in the worst scenarios, there's always a way to lighten the mood and find the positive. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SUNDAY COMPOSERS By Dr. Michael A. Halleen "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. . . . (Let us) use it in proportion to (our) faith." (Romans 12:6) Alexander Borodin was a nineteenth century Russian composer, a member of "The Mighty Handful," a group of that nation's five leading composers dedicated to producing a distinctly Russian music. His opera, Prince Igor, is thought by some to have been his most significant work. Borodin, however, always considered himself no more than a part-time musician—a "Sunday composer," as he called himself. His training and professional career were in organic chemistry. He worked as a researcher in that field, writing scholarly articles and delivering lectures in Russian universities and throughout Western Europe. But on weekends, as a hobby, he wrote string quartets and symphonic poems—and Prince Igor. It's that music that became his legacy to the world. Likewise . . . - Socrates was a stonemason who made a good honest, living. But he was a curious man, and in his off hours he asked questions and challenged people to think. Today he's remembered as the founder of Western philosophical thought. - Alexander Graham Bell was a teacher whose wife was nearly deaf, and at least in part as an effort to assist her to hear better, he invented the telephone. What started as weekend tinkering to solve a domestic communication problem revolutionized communication for all. - The Wright brothers built bicycles in Ohio, but when business was slow they fiddled around with the idea of flying. It was just a sideline. Then came that December day in Kitty Hawk, and the Wrights would forever be associated with flight. - Jimmy Carter was, in many ways, an undistinguished, garden-variety U.S. president. Since leaving office, however, he has achieved greatness in still another career as an international diplomat and humanitarian. The gifts that lie within many are too great to be confined to a single avenue of expression. The interests that drive some spirits are too varied and rich to be satisfied with punching the same clock for forty years. And, for a certainty, the needs of the world go well

Daily Clean Jokes for April 8, 2024 Kirk's Clean Limerick Punsters' loneliness likely does stem From remarks that they make which condemn All their wordplay. It's marred, And the puns make it hard Finding people to go outwit them. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My mom and dad had 6 photos of me from 1993 and I have 235 photos of my cat from 7 - 7:05 this morning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers. The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights. My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Life Funny Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life." >>>Today's Thot If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there's more manure. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ True or False? Guess which of the following statements are True or False. Answers below, but no peeking! 1. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately two teeth every ten years. 2. Babies are born with cartilage in place of kneecaps, which gradually hardens into bone between ages 2-6. 3. The first bristle toothbrush (made with animal hair) was invented in China in 1498. 4. A housefly's lifespan is typically 15-30 days, depending on conditions. 5. Approximately forty thousand Americans are injured by toilets each year. 6. While this depends on the specific hanger, a standard wire coat hanger straightened out is roughly 44 inches long. 7. Studies show that people blink significantly less (around 7-10 times per minute) while using screens, compared to the normal rate of 15-20 blinks per minute. 8. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 9. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". 10. In many commercials, milk is replaced with white paint, glue, or other substances to make it look more visually appealing and prevent it from spoiling under studio lights. 11. As a precautionary measure, senior British royals, including King Charles and Prince William, typically do not travel together to ensure continuity of the monarchy in case of a fatal accident. However, exceptions have been made. 12. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. ANSWERS BELOW: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE. Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Happy Eggs One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Ba

Daily Clean Jokes for April 1, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks On his six shooters, cowboy put tons Of thick glue, and admonished his sons That they shouldn't waver On main points; be braver. Be like me and just stick to your guns. Lee, Carol, Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Grover, Lars, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The man who said his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -- Oscar Wilde ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: I went into a pun shop the other day looking for a timepiece. The clock asked, "May I help you?" "Thank you," I replied, "but I'm just came to watch. I've had a little time on my hands lately but I think I'm going to need something a little larger." "Here's a nice stop watch," said the owner. "I think I'd rather have one that's working please," I declined. "Here's a nice second hand Rolex," said the owner. "I'm going to need minutes and hours as well," says I. "How about this battery powered model? It will help you unwind" he offered. "I don't think I can spring for that one," I speculated. "How about a novelty watch? Here's one that's built into a pair of handcuffs," he proudly boasted. "Oh, arrest watch!" I said. "I'll take it!" And now I'm serving time. By Gary Hallock va Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Another Time Funny I was teaching my Grade 1 class to tell time using a conventional analog clock. "We'll be learning about the hour hand and the minute hand," I explained. One of the students interrupted and said, "I don't need to learn on that kind of clock. My dad bought me this digital watch, and right now it's ten minutes to 38." >>>Today's Thot Despite what some people think, since the world is 71% water that is NOT carbonated, one could accurately say that it's technically flat. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Key to 60 Years of Marriage A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all of the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision." Received from Timothy Anger via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Me: "When I have alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels." Wife: "Why?" Careful, your next vowel movement could spell disaster. Not with only vowels; it can’t spell disaster! If he took a laxative, he could letter rip. Careful. You may end up inconsonant. When I was a kid my mom fed me alphabet soup & she said I liked it …. I think she was just putting words in my mouth!! Rec

Daily Clean Jokes for March 31, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick Man did something that was rather dumb: Hit his head on a doorway; it's numb. To get what he was due, Man decided to sue And he settled for a big lump sum. Conrad and Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Pun of the Day: Hyena tree was a sign saying there was a gnu restaurant at the zoo. I called the gorilla my dreams, the one I have strong felines for, and invited heron her sister to gopher lunch. The restaurant was on the other side of town so we got into macaw to go there. The traffic was light so the driving was not aardvark and before we newt we were there. After we arrived and were seated, the waiter turned tortoise and said, "We have a new cuckoo can prepare anything. Just tell us what you want. I replied, "Rhino what I want. Iguana have a hot dog with mastodon it." Then the gorilla my dreams toad me, "Ewe must be kitten me. Vulture up to? If you want a hot dog, alpaca picnic lunch for you. This is a nice restaurant, and you should otter something else." Amoeba dense but I am not hard of herring and I can take a hint. I decided to do the rat thing. I assumed the waiter was not telling lice about the cook, and although I haddock before, I ordered the same thing as the gorilla my dreams. I did it on porpoise. After all, I thought, toucan order the same dish. I would be lion if I said the lunch was a turtle success. The food was good, but I was in the doghouse for my behavior. Actually it is only a myna problem. Next week I am going to salmon up my courage to take another tern at dining out. That's probably enough for today, eh? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.." -- Theodore Roosevelt. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER 01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 03. No one expects you to run...anywhere. 04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 07. Things you buy now won't wear out. 08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 09. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. >>>Today's Thot I'm as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Navy Way A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir

Daily Clean Jokes for March 30, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks When you're teaching recruits how to schlep In a marching formation, the prep That all drill sergeants know That is best: Take it slow. Do not hurry; just go step by step. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. - Thomas Sowell "It's tax time coming. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink." -- Dave Barry ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: The only squat I'm doin' is Diddly! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Pun: While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that? " she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once. “ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mice Jokes 0. What do we call a wireless mouse? Hamster. 1. What will happen if you can make mice dance to your tunes? You will have a mice-tro. 2. What is a mysterious mouse with a hidden identity known as? An anony-mouse. 3. Why was the mouse laughing so hard at the mice joke? Because he was a-moused. 4. Why did the mouse get arrested? He was caught stealing mouse-tard. 5. How did the mice in the house communicate when the homeowner got a cat? The mice communicated by using Mouse Code of dots, dashes, and squeaks. 6. Why was the mouse thrown out of the exam hall when the exam was in process? Because he was cheesing. 7. Why does Edward Scissorhands dislike using a computer mouse? He always uses the shortcut keys. 8. How can you make a drowning mouse recover after saving him? By using the mouse to mouse resuscitation. 9. Why did the mouse scream when he broke his tooth? Because he ate some hard cheese. 10. Where do most posh and rich mice go to when they need a hotel room? The Stilton. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kissing Son I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was in the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks. "Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked. "I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair." ----- Train Good News A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer though

Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Prison warden decides to pre-empt Belly dancers before they attempt To do entertainment For the convicts, which meant That the dancers were charged with con-tempt. Jim, Lee, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The only way to do great work is to love what you do." - Steve Jobs. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A WOOL FUNNY The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?" [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don't allow that in bowling. I know that now. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" ----- A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Will you tell me a joke? A young man joined the army. On the first day of Basic Training, the DI told the new recruits “Due to budget cuts, we cannot afford to give you a rifle. Instead, we’ll give you a stick. You are to point your stick at the target and yell ‘BANGITY-BANG!’” So that’s what they did all day. BANGITY-BANG! BANGITY-BANG! The next day the DI told them: “We also cannot afford bayonets, so you will duct tape this plastic fork to the end of your stick, then you will run up to the target and yell ‘STABBITY-STAB!’” So that’s what they did all day. STABBITY-STAB! STABBITY-STAB! Unfortunately, on the next day, war broke out. Fortunately, both sides were similarly afflict

Daily Clean Jokes for March 28, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Puns are quite universal; it's true. They're not targeted for just a few. Puns are told near and far 'Round the world 'cause they are Meant for children and for groan-ups, too. Conrad, Bill, Erika, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ----- Puns Kirk is playing a game of catch-up with his love interest, using various idioms and physical gestures to express his affection, while also considering a practical joke. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. · Groucho Marx I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. · Will Rogers. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Frog "Funny" Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began but no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!" The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. He just wouldn't give up! At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal. It turned out that the winner was deaf. >>>Today's Thot Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible.' Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tim Allen Quotes Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together. Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot." A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Man is the only animal to borrow tools. Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction! They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A t

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Daily Clean Jokes for March 26, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limerick of the Day Long term contracts the wait staff condemn. The café makes them sign, so mayhem They do hope to avoid And they won't be annoyed, 'Cause the waiters will not dessert them. Carol got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Puns I know a woman who owned a taser; man was she stunning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Excuse Funny John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!" ----- I got myself a Senior GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry Pratchett Quotes When you look into the abyss, it's not supposed to wave back. Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall the universe and reboot. It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. In the beginning, there was nothing--which exploded. Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order because it is better organized. He's out of his depth on a wet pavement. Just because things are obvious doesn't mean they're true. Two types of people laugh at the law: those who break it and those who make it. It is often said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. This is, in fact, true--it's called living. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. Adventure! People talk about the idea as if it were something worthwhile rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep, and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects into bits of you. There is always time for another last minute. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side “Look, a flock of cows!!” “Herd of cows,” “Yeah, I have; there’s a flock of them over there.” ----- A priest, an imam, and a rabbit are donating blood. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo” Received from Reddit Clean. _____________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 25, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Clumsy man had a bad transgression, And the source of his indiscretion Is he tripped and then fell In wet concrete. I tell Folks the man left a bad impression. Carol, Conrad, Bill, Dickhead, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today’s Clean Pun: The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands. Quote of the Day: Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags. Today’s One-Liner: The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you. Daily Trivia Since today is Veteran's Day let's take a look at some interesting military facts. Today's Random Fact: The rockets mentioned in "The Star Spangled Banner" were less effective than bombs. They had a shorter range and were so inaccurate that they had to be abandoned as weapons after the War of 1812. Not until World War II did rockets become important again. Bonus Fact: The Pentagon is the world's largest office building, a city in itself. With an area of 6,500,00 square feet the Pentagon has a Main Street lined with shops, restaurants and its own post office. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Paddy Funny Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." >>>Today's Thot Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Real rocks are too heavy. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Enlistment Questions Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Someone Who Understands Bob Weber, past president of Kiwanis International, told this story. He had spoken to a club in a small town and was spending the night with a farmer on the outskirts of the community. He had just relaxed on the front porch when a newsboy delivered the evening paper. The boy noted the sign "Puppies for Sale". The boy got off his bike and said to the farmer, "How much do you want for the pups, mister?" "Twenty-five dollars, son." The boy's face dropped. "Well, sir, could I at least see them anyway?" The farmer whistled, and in a moment the mother dog came bounding around the corner of the house tagged by four of the cute puppies, wagging their tails and yipping happily. At last, another pup came straggling around the house, dragging one hind leg. "What's the matter with that puppy, mister?" the boy asked. "Well, Son, that puppy is crippled. We took her to the vet and the doctor took an X ray. The pup doesn't have a hip joint and that leg will never be right." To the amazement of both men, the boy dropped the bike, reached for his collection bag and took out a fifty-cent piece. "Please, mister," the boy pleaded,

Daily Clean Jokes for March 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "From his office, my dentist has been On vacation," I said with a grin. "So my cavity's not Fixed by him, who I sought, But by someone who's just filling in." Conrad, Jim, Bill, Carol, Dickhead, Grover, Chris got it. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons. I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on. The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.” ----- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time. ----- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Child sent to bed A small boy is sent to bed by his father ... [Five minutes later] "Da-ad ..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad ..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY .. .Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD ..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" ----- Guests for dinner The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!" ----- Things mom taught me ... My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOUR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favourite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then y

ADaily Clean Jokes for March 22, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "When insomnia strikes, it sure bites," Said King Arthur's court members. Their plights Were quite far from the best, And as you might have guessed, Were resulting in some sleepless knights. Lee, Erika, Chris, Conrad, Carol, Jim, Dick, Lars got it. ----- Mom and dad, please do not be errant. Teach your kids; that should be inherent. You readily should see Responsibility Falls on you. It is just apparent. https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun Number One: A Twist on a Classic Remember the old joke, "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!" Now, let's give it a twist. "Why was the math book also happy? Because it had solutions to all its problems!" This pun not only gives you a chuckle, but it also reminds us that every problem comes with a solution. Or, in other words, there's always a silver lining in every situation. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "In adversity we tend to doubt God's fatherly care, but in prosperity we tend to forget it. If we are to trust God, we must acknowledge our dependence upon him at all times, good times as well as bad times." -- Jeff Bridges _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday. I asked her, "How small?" She replied, "Just you, me, and the principal." ----- Murphy's Laws on Computers - As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it. - Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one. - You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all. - The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up. - There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet. - Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it. ----- Unforgettable Grandma I still have my late grandmother in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day. Received from Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest. ----- Helping the Lost A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home." Only in games and tests can we delay helping the lost. Received from Featured Illustrations. These are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a speech. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic; the point of them is the point you make with them. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Nun Runs Amok! Doctor's Cure is Hilariously Unorthodox! A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it. "Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!" "Oh

Daily Clean Jokes for March 21, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Kirk's Limerick Turnpike drivers received email poll. My response was quite true, rather droll. I said everyone sees Your exorbitant fees Are so high they are taking a toll. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Chris got it. ----- There's a handyman, name is Rocky, Who fills houses' small gaps in Milwaukee Using sealant. He's bold And conceited. I'm told That his attitude is real caulky. Jim, Conrad, Lars, Dick, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns We were going on a hike in Virginia, and could hike along a trail where General Robert E. Lee spread his troops to stop a Yankee invasion, or around a lake in which Thomas Jefferson once swam. We decided to take the path of Lee's resistance. In ancient Rome, workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is, except smoked salmon. That was the world's first anti-lox breaks. It is 2019 and Romeo Beckham is turning out to play for Manchester United for the first time. He says to his dad, "What number should I wear?" David thinks for a while, then says, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." I reached into my back pocket for a chaw of tobacco and discovered my can was missing. I suppose it's possible I lost the dang thing, but I couldn't help suspecting I'd been the victim of some kind of Skoal duggery. The college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck was grading papers on a curve. ----- Real Women https://www.wimp.com/a-different-point-of-view-on-beauty/ ----- Just Add Water https://studyfinds.org/bandage-chronic-wound-healing/ Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. -- Ann Landers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one. Received from Tom Kick. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Salute Funny The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige. When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant. He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir." >>>Today's Thot My friend plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week. She's going to call it Best By. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Set for Life A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "Yo

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for March 20, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks IQ tests have created suspense In the town, so I guess it makes sense That if scores are quite low, Then the people should know That the town's population is dense. Jim, Conrad, Grover, Carol, Lee, Chris, Bill, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day Message Body That bimbo is such a poor poker player I could probably beat her blonde folded. After serving faithfully for 30 years at his Fort Knox guard post, Albert finally reached the mandatory retirement age. What did they give him? A gold watch. Although she'd sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy. Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice. Several elderly nuns were on the second floor of the convent when a fire broke out. The nuns calmly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window to safety. When they were on the ground, a reporter asked them, "Weren't you afraid the rope might break since the material is so old?" "Heavens, no," said one of the nuns, "Old habits are hard to break." Kirk Miller ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Hunt Funny Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year." The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year." >>>Today's Thot My twin brother called me from prison. He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?" Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Does God Hear? A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." "And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?" Received from Monday Fodder via GCFL. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. What’s a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and squeak 2. Why are all elephants console gamers? ‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse 3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse? Pip, squeak 4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant 5. What mouse leaves blue marks everywhere? A bluetooth mouse Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 19, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks During medical school there's a rut That the student is in. She thinks what If the test I don't pass To be surgeon? The lass Aced the test, so the gal made the cut. Jim, Gary, Carol, Dick, Grover, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns He had a novel way of writing fiction. "I saw Pinocchio last night! Not the movie, the real Pinocchio!" "You're joking!" "Nope, I wooden kid you!" My brother quit his job at the salt and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself. Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves. A neighbor happened to witness this, and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called, and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier. "What?" exclaimed the man. "You are going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?" "Oh no," replied the policeman. "We are arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That is a clear case of illegal eaves dropping." Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes of the Day: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry, If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Funny One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS ~ Every time I went, they asked me for money. ~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly. ~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all. ~ The coach never came to call on me. ~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree. ~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing. ~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home. ~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before. ~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things. ~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. ~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow. ~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. >>>Today's Thot I'm about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 18, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you give alcohol a good-bye And decide that hard drugs you will try, I will hasten to tell That it won't turn out well, Because then you'll be left high and dry. Jim, Carol, Dick, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns An election year is when the air is filled with speeches, and vice versa. Those who eat candy with both hands are ambi-dextrose. Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." During that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee. If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself. When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause. Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes of the Day: Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. -- Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere -- Billy Crystal ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Steven Wright's One-Liners for Today: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Carpool Funny It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there. He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!" The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, before John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road. When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience. Just as he started to recount the whole story, she interrupted him, saying, "Oh, that reminds me, John. Do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?" >>>Today's Thot The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe trail guide was not the best career after all. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stopped for Speeding A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over. The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five." She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old." Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Squeaky Clean Jokes Why did the mouse wash its fur? Because it wanted to be squeaky clean! ? What do you call a mouse that can sing? A squeaky diva! ? How does a mouse stay in shape? It goes to the cheese gym! ? Why did the mous