Daily Clean Jokes for March 9, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 9, 2025 As they sped through the outskirts of town, The man's wife on her face wore a frown. ????????????When she said, "Dear, you need ????????????To reduce your high speed," Man refused and he?put?his?foot?down. ? Jim, Bill, Grover got it. ----- I am not one to judge, but it's true: If you don't clean your mirrors, you'll rue ????????????The results you'll incur, ????????????'Cause I know that for sure They'll?reflect?very?poorly?on?you. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When the tourists saw?Paris' famous?tower?lit up at night, they got an?Eiffel. ? The air conditioner cost more than they were hoping, but they were cool with that. ? Johannes Gutenberg announced his new invention at the press conference. ? After spending money on an advertising campaign, the limo company's business was?picking up. ? Those who use scissors on the job have their work cut out for them. ----- Bedding Officials Demand Recount BEDFORD, TX—Alarmed by reports of incorrect thread counts in the nation's blankets and sheets, bedding officials demanded nationwide thread recounts Monday.??"This tears it," National Bed & Bath Commission director David Morgan said. "Thread-count inaccuracies are influencing outcomes in shopping districts across the nation. Americans are electing to buy products using confusing and misleading labels."??Morgan said his goal is not to condemn manufacturers with blanket statements, but to correct the snag.??"The idea that quality is based on thread count is not some old yarn—it's woven into the fabric of our society," Morgan said. "But the system for quality control is threadbare. It's coming apart at the seams. We can't pull the covers over our heads and ignore it any longer."??The thread count of cloth amounts to the number of horizontal and vertical threads in one square inch of fabric. The NBBC has documented several dozen instances in which different standards were used to count the threads, in order to misrepresent the quality and value of a bedding product.??Morgan said the NBBC believes that the tests currently in use favor North American and European textiles over ethnic textiles, such as Egyptian cotton, South American wools, and Indian batiks. The looming challenge is to modify the standards without unraveling them altogether.??"I admit that, in the past, I've championed softer, more liberal bedding standards," Morgan said. "But I'd hate to see my views adversely affect sales of those sheets cut from a different cloth."??Although a thorough canvassing of the thread-count procedures must be undertaken before any balancing actions are performed, investigators say they will look into cover-up allegations, including the particularly seamy possibility that white sheets were automatically given a higher thread count than textiles of color.??"For years, we've suspected that the whites were cared for differently than colored items," NBBC official George Vega said. "Some manufacturers actually out-and-out recommended that whites and colors be treated, and in some cases pretreated, differently. It's enough to make me worry that we might never get things all sewn up."??NBBC evaluator JoAnn Baugh said local-level thread counters are not the only ones to blame.??"Corruption at the highest levels of home furnishing is bound to come out in the wash eventually," Baugh said. "We shouldn't have let them pull the wool over our eyes for so long."??"The best thing would be for everyone involved to own up to their own quilt," Baugh added. "But if no one comes forward and admits to being in bed with special interests, it may be years before we can get this issue ironed out."??Morgan agreed that the NBBC will need time to sort the piles of material evidence.??"It'll be a while before we can put this whole thing to bed," Morgan said. "It's a shame that our nation has become enmeshed in this king-sized controversy. But if we are going to count threads, we should have a solid set of standards. That way, we can all rest easy." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner My patience is basically like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try. ----- Quote of the Day:? My patience is basically like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try. -- Unknown ----- Encounter with a Stone I picked up a rock and took it for granite. - Ralf el Perro ----- Someone Is Knocking A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.? All went well until he came one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message as notation "Genesis 3:10". Revelation 3:20 reads: Genesis 3:10 reads: Received from Pastor Tim. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Reasons to Buy a New Car ? 10. The closest to musical entertainment you have, is the whistling sound created by all the rust holes. ? 9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel. ? 8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped. ? 7. 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days. ? 6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?" ? 5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club." ? 4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt. ? 3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway. ? 2. You keep losing dates on left turns. ? 1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? Vat a Country! ? Many years ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. ? He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along. ? As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw. ? "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad. ? I said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice." ? A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" ? I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" ? A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out, ? "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!" ? Received from Today's CleanLaugh. ? ? Clean Laffs ? Good morning crew, ? A little known fact about my wife is that in addition to teaching cardio taekwondo she is also a veterinary assistant. You might call her a woman of many parts. ? So this weekend, while we were out and about Saturday night, she told me we had to stop by the vet's office where she works so she could take care of some boarding animals. ? She was busy taking care of a dog and as I was standing around waiting for her I found a beautiful white cat locked in a cage. I stuck my finger through the bars and the kitty immediately walked over to me and began rubbing her head against my finger and purring like a motorboat. ? The wife poked her head around the corner and cautioned me, "Don't let that cat out of her cage!" ? "Why not?" I asked. "She seems completely harmless." ? "Well, she's not. She has Feline Leukemia and it is extremely contagious." ? "You mean to humans?" I squealed, yanking my fingers out of the cage. "Like the bird flu?" ? "Oh yeah, very." ? She watched for a few seconds while I scrambled for the sink to wash my hands before exploding in that diabolical laugh of hers and explaining to me that it is only communicable to other animals, but by that time she already had me spooked. ? Fast forward to the next morning, we were sitting around the kitchen table over our first cup of coffee when I was seized by a fit of sneezing. ? "Uh-oh," the wife said, pushing her chair back away from me. ? "What oh?" I asked. ? "Severe sneezing ... that's the first symptom of Feline Leukemia." ? Laugh it up, ? Joe ? ---- ? "We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not."?-- Jimmy Kimmel ? "A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don't know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers."?-- Conan O'Brien ? "The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show."?-- Dave Letterman ? ----- ? Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." ? "Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you are with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life." ? "Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married." ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? Conflicting Proverbs ? Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. ? Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. ? Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. ? A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts. ? Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. ? Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover. ? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. ? The bigger, the better. The best things come in small packages. ? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight, out of mind. ? What will be, will be. Life is what you make it. ? Cross your bridges when you come to them. Forewarned is forearmed. ? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. One man's meat is another man's poison. ? With age comes wisdom. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings. ? The more, the merrier. Two's company; three's a crowd ? It's no wonder we're all confused. ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? English Teacher ? English Teacher: "What is the opposite of grief?" ? Student:??"Happiness." ? Teacher:??"And Sadness?" ? Student: "Gladness." ? Teacher: ":And the opposite of Woe is ...?" ? Student "Giddyup." ? From The Teacher, Teacher Joke Book via Syman Says;?SYMANSAYS@... ? ? There is nothing like the seriousness of young children. ? While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. ? My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'??'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' ? ----- ? A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' ? 'And why not, darling?' ? 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' ? ---- ? A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' ? Received from Christian Voices ? ? Bubba Calls 911 ? Betty Ruth passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. ? "Where do you live?" asked the operator. ? Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." ? The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" ? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ? Received from Blue Sky ? ? A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway. I'd heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her: "What's the ratio of men to women here?" ? "In Skagway? About one to one. But I'm told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman," she said. ? "Why didn't you move there?" I said. ? "The odds seem so much better." ? "Oh, the odds are good," she acknowledged with a smile, "but the goods are odd." ? ----- ? Bet Ya' Didn't Know: ? There are many different ways to satisfy one's sweet tooth when traveling abroad. Rosewater, used in India to flavor dumplings and custards, adds a perfume-like scent and flavor to food. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? I know you can't save every dog. But you can totally try to save the dog that's in front of you.?- Cesar Millan, aka The Dog Whisperer ? ----- ? (Terrible) Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day ? 10. The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move? ? 9. I sent a candy gram. Someone must have eaten it. ? 8. The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best. ? 7. I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again! ? 6. I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you? ? 5. I didn't know you liked jewelry. ? 4. I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy day. ? 3. Your mailman must have been shot in a post office massacre. ? 2. I thought we would do something different this year. ? 1. I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.??And The Plus One Excuse: ? + 1. You didn't remind me. ? Received from FranCMT2 via Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me. I'd move to Peru and Lima troubles behind. (Doug Spector) If a clock maker owns a cat it will probably have tics. ? ? Research on the Internet ? Mother: "How's your history paper coming?" ? Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful. ? Mother: "Really?" ? Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!" ? Received from Aiken Drums ? ? Birthday Party ? Meredith decided to throw a surprise birthday party for her good friend, Patty, who was turning 50 on Saturday. Meredith wanted to make it special, so she decided she would have the birthday party for Patty outside in the back yard. ? The day before, she went shopping for everything she would need. Her daughter, just having gotten home from school, tagged along to help. ? That evening, Meredith started getting everything ready for the party. When it came time to bake the cake, she was going to look up a cake recipe on the Internet, but in a sudden burst of creativity, came up with her own cake recipe. She got out the ingredients and began to make it. It took until the wee hours of the morning when she finally finished it but it was a masterpiece. ? The next morning, she got up and began to prepare for the party. Her daughter brought along two friends and the four of them together arranged everything outside in the back yard. The plan was that after everything was set up, Meredith would bring over neighbors and friends and when Patty was brought into the back yard, they'd all yell "Surprise!" ? Just as they were finishing, the sky, which had been becoming increasingly overcast, began to sprinkle. It then became a light rain. ? Meredith looked up. It wasn't looking good. ? "We'll have to have the party inside," she said. "Let's move everything in." ? Just as the four of them were bringing in the last of the party, it really started pouring. ? "Just in time," Meredith thought to herself. She looked around at all the party remnants. "Where's the cake?" she asked. ? She looked outside. "Oh, Nooooooooo!" she shrieked. "Someone left the cake out in the rain!" ? "I'll get it mommy," the daughter said as she went to the coat closet to retrieve an umbrella. ? Meredith opened the back door and looked out. "Never mind," she sighed. "It's ruined now. Look. See all that sweet green icing flowing down?" ? She lowered her head, put her hand on her forehead and sadly remarked, "I don't think that I can take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it!" ? She looked up and saw the computer across the room. The screen saver was wiggling across the monitor. She walked over to it, moved the mouse and breathed a sigh of relief when the cake recipe displayed itself on the screen. ? She thought she could just bake another cake and maybe have the party tomorrow. It's not like Patty knew the party was going on, it being a surprise and all. ? Just as she was about to save the document, there was a power failure. The lights went out and the computer screen went dark. ? Meredith flopped herself onto the couch and moaned, "And I'll never have that recipe again!" ? Received from Hahafunnies ? ????????? ? The first tourist threw his watch, but heard it crash before he had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. ? The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. ? "How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. ? "Easy. My watch is 20 minutes slow." ? ----- ? Insurance salesman to housewife: "Just imagine if your husband were to die tomorrow. What would you get?" ? "Oh, a dog, I think. Probably a Labrador, they're so well-behaved." ? ----- ? Thought for Today: ? "A highwayman holds a pistol to my ear, and mutters through his teeth, 'Stand and deliver, or I shall kill you, and then you will be a murderer!'" ? (Abraham Lincoln, 1809 - 1865) ? Received from Daily-Humor ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it." -- Albert Einstein ----- "Today was the first day of New York City pools being opened up...and the first 100 swimmers got a free hepatitis shot." -- Dave Letterman ----- Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? ----- Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde? ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Drew talks about hosting “The Price is Right,” the 10,000th episode, picking up the bill for writers who ate at Bob’s Big Boy or Swingers during the WGA strike, applying to rescue a dog, DJing on New Year’s Eve, and discovering Phish at the Vegas Sphere on 4/20 weekend. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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| - February 28, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: I have two sisters. Our mother passed away last year after a bad fall. I was her primary caretaker and was with her every day. The other two sisters were not speaking to her at all, which hurt her deeply. She had dementia but still missed them and would talk about them often. It was all very sad. When Mom died, my older sister wouldn't tell her goodbye. She didn't attend the funeral and said to everyone who would listen that she wasn't sad. My younger sister arrived -- late -- for the funeral. Afterward, they attacked me -- screaming, cursing, etc. They were angry over small things, like the fact that I used my older sister's maiden name in a DRAFT of Mom's obituary. I cut them off and have stopped speaking to them and to the rest of the family. I want no details about my life getting back to them, giving them reason to attack me again. The problem is that my entire family is now gone. I am so sad. Not only did I lose my mother, but everyone else as well. Should I approach them? -- WORSE THAN GRIEF IN GEORGIA DEAR WORSE: I would advise against approaching your sisters again, for the reasons you stated. If you wish to contact extended family, reach out with the understanding that anything you tell them will likely drift back to your sisters. Because your siblings are so unpleasant, it may make more sense for you to concentrate your energies on deepening the friendships you have with others. DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with "Ted" for a little over a year. We spend a lot of time together -- nearly every day. I spend time at his house, and we often go to the park or go out to eat together. I finally noticed after all this time that he has never asked to become friends on Facebook, although I've hinted about it to him a few times. Yesterday, we were both a few glasses of sangria in when he began showing me photos from his Facebook page. When I asked him why we weren't Facebook friends, he changed the subject. When I told him it hurts my feelings that he doesn't want to be Facebook friends, he got angry and wouldn't acknowledge my question. The evening was over after that. This isn't the first time I've expressed concern over something, and it's also not the first time he has refused to acknowledge my feelings over something like this. What should I do? -- LIMITED FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY DEAR LIMITED FRIEND: I don't know why Ted prefers to hide his Facebook content and neither do you. People have a right to some privacy. If the only glimpses of his FB are those he shares with you on his phone, there may be images there that he prefers you not see. This would also explain why he is adamant about not discussing it. What you need to do now is decide how important this issue is to you and act accordingly. |