Daily Clean Jokes for March 8, 2025
Kirk's Limerick
Friday night with my girlfriend was great.
Local aviary was first rate.
????????????Didn't cost much money.
????????????You might find this punny:
The experience was?a?cheep?date.
Dick, Conrad, Jim got it.
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I am not one to judge, but it's true:
If you don't clean your mirrors, you'll rue
????????????The results you'll incur,
????????????'Cause I know that for sure
They'll?reflect?very?poorly?on?you.
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Conrad, Bill, Chris, and Dick got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Clarification
Humor from the?BabylonBee.com
Republicans Clarify That Deficit Spending Only A Problem When Democrats Do It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Soon after presenting a new spending bill that adds billions of dollars to the federal deficit, Republicans helpfully explained to constituents that deficit spending is only bad when Democrats do it.
"We know you all don't like deficit spending, but this is totally different," said House Speaker Mike Johnson in a press conference. "This is?Republican?deficit spending. You see, it's different because Republicans are doing it, which is good."
"We hope that helps clear up all the confusion."
Experts who fact-checked the Speaker's claim have admitted that Republicans are now the ones who are overspending, which is indeed different than when the Democrats do the overspending. "His logic is unassailable," said a source within the Congressional Budget Office.
Republicans also confirmed that the funding of Planned Parenthood in their bill was actually Republican funding of Planned Parenthood, and that the overspending on defense and entitlements in their bill was actually Republican overspending on defense and entitlements. "See? It's much better when we're the ones doing this," explained Speaker Johnson.
At publishing time, Republicans had assured nervous Americans that the job of bankrupting the country would be handed back over to the Democrats in 2 years.
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Do you remember?
Click this link first - Do you remember it?
?
Then read the attached PDF file - very short -- Thanks, Kirk!? Memories!
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!
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'Old' is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
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Thought Of The Day:??The Stupidity of the Average Person
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -- George Carlin
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Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
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When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"
Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."
During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Can Stay Immature
“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” --?Ogden Nash
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How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.
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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Steer Yourself
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." -- Dr. Seuss
Received from aJokeADay._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Witty Zingers from History's Favorite Satirists
I have nothing, owe a great deal, and the rest I leave to the poor.
Fran?ois RabelaisIf you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.
Alexander PopeLet us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only.
Samuel ButlerIt is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.
Nikolai GogolFish and visitors smell after three days.
Benjamin FranklinClothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark TwainA melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who?has?searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
P.G. Wodehouse
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A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
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I
Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was ...
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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he...
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Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.
Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it....
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Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English."
- On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
- The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it ...
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Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a ...
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Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a ...
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Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light ...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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(Original Airdate: 12/06/16) Whether it’s a drunk sorority girl or a philosophical homeless man, Molly just loves to gab.
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DEAR ABBY: I was recently informed that my teenage granddaughter is identifying as a boy. She has a male name she prefers and wants people to refer to her using he/him pronouns. Her parents are supportive, to a point. Her mother uses her preferred name and pronouns. Her father supports her using this name and pronouns in school and elsewhere, but at home, he will still use her birth name and pronouns. He has apparently told her this, and she accepts the situation. My wife agrees with the child's father. I do as well, but I want to maintain a relationship with my granddaughter. In the past, we have mostly communicated via text or by mail. I haven't seen her in person in many years, except for a short drive-by visit during COVID. I'd like her to know I love her, and I hope she has a wonderful future, but I am incredibly sad about this situation. How do I reach out to her? What do I say? -- CONFLICTED IN OKLAHOMA DEAR CONFLICTED: Reach out to your grandchild as you always have, via text or mail using his preferred name. Instead of being "sad," be glad he is able to authentically express who he really is. There is much discrimination against transgender people of every age, so continue letting your grandchild know he is loved and accepted by his grandparents. If you would like more information about how to reach a level of better understanding, an organization called PFLAG can be helpful. You can visit it at .
DEAR ABBY: I got married at 27 because I was careless and got her pregnant. We now have three adult children and a 16-year-old. I haven't been happy, but I told myself that when the kids get on their own, I will move on. Well, I recently met someone. She's a divorcee, and we have gotten together a few times. She invited me to move in with her, but when I told her I just couldn't, she moved out of state. I feel lost because we talked just about every day, and she doesn't want to talk with me at all now. I'm not mad at her; I'm angry with myself. Help me deal with this, please. -- SEARCHING IN OHIO DEAR SEARCHING: You state that you "told yourself" that when the kids were on their own, you would move on. Did you share those thoughts with your wife? If you married her only to "legitimize" your firstborn, how did you wind up the father of four? There might have been fewer if you had told her what you were thinking. You mention that your youngest is now 16. That means in two years they will be considered an adult. Are there plans for college in the future? Will you be supporting them until the age of 21? A way to "deal with this" would be to kick yourself for jumping the gun on the romance. I'll also say this: The woman you involved yourself with has a good head on her shoulders and proved it by distancing herself from you.
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