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Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for March 12, 2025? ?

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Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Miller

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I had hoped the café would perhaps

Show their trick to prevent some prolapse

????????????Of burritos they sold,

????????????But the manager told

Me the secret was?kept?under?wraps.

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Conrad, Bill, Jim got it.

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Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns

Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

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Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye.

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The price of shingles is going through the roof.

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Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibility of a unique teaching position.

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On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story.??"Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked.??"Not initially."

Kirk Miller

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Quotes of the Day:?Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein

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Today's One-Liners:? ?

1. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
2. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.

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Puns of the Day:?

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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

1. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
2. 
   
3. ? ? ? ?What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.

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A Snail Funny

A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!

A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?"

The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast."

>>>Today's Thot

My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Delivery

My normally petite wife grew extremely large during her pregnancy with our second child. By her ninth month she had become accustomed to a lot of attention and good-natured teasing.

One day, just before the baby was due, she went to the post office. Watching her waddle up to his window, the postal clerk quipped, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can help you here."

Without missing a beat, my wife responded, "But I thought you delivered!"

Received from?GCFL.

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?What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish?

— A pair of swimming trunks.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
— Elephino.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
— A dead ant.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
— A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

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Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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Stephen Wright has some great short jokes:

"I once bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."

"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."

"When I was a child we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually."

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Received from Steven Wright.

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On the Lighter Side?

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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

Why do bananas use sunscreen?
Because they peel.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on the farm?
Because the corn has ears, and the potatoes have eyes.

What is a horse’s favorite sport?
Stable tennis.

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?What happened to the man running in front of the car?

--He was tired

What happened to the man running behind the car?

--He was exhausted?

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Received from Reddit Clean.

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A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"

The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

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On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

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Thought Of The Day:??It's Better to Create

“It’s better to create something that others criticize than to create nothing and criticize others. Go create, have fun!” -- Ricky Gervais?

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."

The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

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Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

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A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said,?"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

The Movie Test

This is quite amazing.

My Favorite Movie turned out to be "Forrest Gump".

I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Don't ask me how, but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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Source: SciTechDaily

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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Habits Run in the Family

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years. He's mostly very nice, although he has generalized anxiety disorder. In the past, he threatened to kill someone (not me!) as well as himself and had to be hospitalized. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's friendly and thoughtful, except for one thing: He isn't capable of giving affection, and we haven't had sex in more than a decade. We have seen multiple counselors over the years to no avail. We have tried doctors and meds. I have begged, cried, talked with him and remained celibate always. I met a younger man online who lives overseas, and it was platonic for two years. Suddenly, I realized I had more than platonic feelings for him. We started talking about love to each other. No sex was involved, nor have we exchanged revealing photos. (We are both religious.) I told my husband I want a divorce because I don't believe in cheating and I am totally over him ignoring my needs for so long. My question is, was I wrong? -- MAKING CHANGES IN GEORGIA DEAR MAKING CHANGES: Because your marriage was not fixable, you did the right thing by telling your husband you wanted out. However, as well as you think you know this younger, foreign man whom you have never met, it is extremely important to move slowly from here on. There are so many catfish and romance scams online that, frankly, it's scary. Before making any commitments, romantic or financial, you two need to meet, get to know each other, see how each other lives and what his friends and family are like (and vice versa). I wish you luck, but keep your eyes open. DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced single mom who just purchased a new home. My 23-year-old daughter came home from college a few years ago and is refusing to move out. I understand that rental prices are high and she's saving money, but I can't live with her anymore. Abby, we have very dissimilar lifestyles. My daughter is a slob and refuses to respect my pleas to keep her room and her bathroom (which is also our guest bathroom) clean and tidy. Her room stinks! She spends her days off sitting around on her phone all day. (She does have a job, and she's also active in church.) How can I get her to move instead of me flying off the handle every time she disrespects me? I just want to live in peace in a neat and tidy house. -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA DEAR FRUSTRATED: You have my sympathy. Have a calm talk with your daughter. Point out that she is an adult now, and because her living habits are so different from yours, you are no longer willing to have her stay with you. Offer to help her find another place to live and set a date for her to be out. If she still refuses, you may have to start a formal eviction. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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