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Sunday, November 17, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: She had her ups and downs Elevator attendant was fast. She would love 'em and leave 'em, and laughed About how she would treat All the men she would meet. Men would suffer when they got the shaft. ----- There was an old person of Fratton Who would go to church with his hat on. 'If I wake up,' he said, 'With a hat on my head, I will know that it hasn't been sat on.' Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Quote of the Day: I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin Today's One-Liner: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. Officer at Texas Ranch A Drug Enforcement officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it starts looking like he might get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!" Received from Laugh & Lift A Definition Funny The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper: "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it. "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. Received from Mikey's Funnies Glaciers Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?" Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down." Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?" Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks." Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. Ellen was 17 years old. She had become more and more rebellious since her parents' divo

Monday, November 18, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: He was a man of high caliber Man had failed to be optimistic About gun laws. They're just sadistic. NRA was doing What the man was ruing. He got angry and went ballistic. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks ----- Limericks I cannot compose With noxious smells in my nose; But this one was easy I only felt queasy Because I was sniffing my toes. Quote of the Day: I was told over and over again that I would never be successful, that I was not going to be competitive and the technique was simply not going to work. All I could do was shrug and say 'We'll just have to see. — Dick Fosbury, Who won an Olympic gold medal at the 1968 Mexico games after inventing a revolutionary high-jump technique (B - 1947) American retired high jumper Today's One-Liner: A closed mouth gathers no foot. The Squirrel Question A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" Received from Laugh & Lift A Decision Funny A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, "Bower, Johnny Bower." And St. Peter says, "Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We'll have to send you back down." Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, "Of course, but just for a few minutes." So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, "If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!" So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, "Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?" The devil grins and says, "Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer." Received from Mikey's Funnies Silly Jokes 1 What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear! Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word! What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it. I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now. Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents! What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two! A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside. Received from like_a_boss via GCFL. Pancakes Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair

Today’s Clean Jokes for Tuesday, November 19, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: Hang Loose The amusement ride stops; people fret. "Hanging basket we're in," asks Annette, "Will it get to the top?" The reply from her Pop: "I suppose it's as Ferris wheel get." ----- Amazingly, antelope stew Is supposedly better for you Than a goulash of rat Or Hungarian cat; But I guess that you probably gnu Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Quote of the Day: People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys. -- Mike Becht Today's One-Liner: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. The Tired Dog An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' Received from Laugh & Lift *Beer Special* That new bar down the street is running a GREAT special... Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer absolutely FREE! ----- Don’t Mess with Natives A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster." ----- Noah Today This would be hilarious if there weren't so much truth in it. In the year 2019, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Oregon and said: "Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit." "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to

Today's Clean Jokes for Wednesday, November 20, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: My neighbor came over to say (Although not in a neighborly way) That he'd knock me around If I didn't curb the sound Of the classical music I play. I told him, "Get out of my place You're an utter uncultured disgrace; You're a simpleton loon. Don't you know a good tune?" Then he walloped me square in the face. ~~ Quote of the Day: Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, Oh no....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery ~~ Today's One-Liner: A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. ~~ The Photographer The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause, the pilot said "You mean you're not the instructor?" Received from Laugh & Lift ~~ Silly Jokes 2 Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence. I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me. I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust. 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I'm just not on the right planet. If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now. My clock just went back 4 seconds... I guess it was still hungry. I knew a guy named Roger... He was huge, about 10-4. Received from like_a_boss via GCFL. ~~ The church in our neighborhood sported a beautiful banner to celebrate Christianity in the year 2012. Above the huge front door the cloth banner read, "Open wide the doors to Christ." Directly below, taped to the door, a smaller sign was posted: "Please help us conserve energy. Use other doors." Received from Da Mouse Tracks ~~ The fly and the bug A fly feels a bug on its back. "Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks. "I 'might' be," giggles the mite. "That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the fly. "What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly..." ----- The safety quiz Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his dad that he failed the safety quiz Dad: What? How? Little Johnny: I missed the only question Dad: What was the question? Little Johnny: What steps do we take in case of fire? Dad: And what did you say? Little Johnny: Well I said really large ones but apparently that's not right answer!!! Rules A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet." Received from The Laughing Place ~~ On the Lighter Side What's the birth rate in your town? Same as everywhere: one per persn ~~ Punnies Moby Dick didn't have a funeral but he did have a huge wake. Crushing pop cans is soda depressing. ~~ Office Hours When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One mor

Today's Clean Jokes for Thursday, November 21, 2019 Good Clean Limerick: Amen! When the atheist had a big scare, He lost hope and was locked in despair. So he gave up the fight And accepted his plight, For he knew he did not have a prayer. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks ----- There was a young man from Dealing Who caught the bus for Ealing. It said on the door 'Don't spit on the floor' So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling Quote of the Day: Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. – Received from Mike Atkinson Today's One-Liner: Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree! The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?" Received from Laugh & Lift A Push Funny As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm giving you a hand," I said. "What are you doing?" "I'm stretching before my run." [Forwarded by Steve Sanderson] ----- Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Received from Mikey's Funnies EVENINGS AT 7 IN THE PARISH HALL Monday: Alcoholics Anonymous Tuesday: Abused Spouses Wednesday: Eating Disorders Thursday: Say NO To Drugs Friday: Teen Suicide Watch Saturday: Soup Kitchen SUNDAY SERMON 9 A.M. "America's Joyous Future" Received from Da Mouse Tracks Buying supplies At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a baby!" ----- The clock A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting. Suddenly, the mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "It's already 3 pm! I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to put her coat on in a hurry. At this moment the son-in-law's six-year-old daughter runs up to her and before her dad can do anything, she says, "Don't hurry Granny, Daddy set the clock two hours ahead." ----- The accident A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ----- You're Not a Kid Anymore When You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You enjoy watching the news. The phone rings and you hope it's not for you. The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion. People ask what color your hair USED to be. You're proud of your lawnmower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws. You start singing along with the elevator music. You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday. Your car has four doors. You routinely check the oil in your car. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in." You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it. You write thank you notes without being told. Neighbors borrow your tools. - according to Jeff Foxworthy Received from The Laughing Place On the Lighter Side Wife: "My hands have blisters from the broom." Husband: "Next time, take the car!" Received from Sabrina Elis. Punnies Diet Exclamation ... "I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded. Cow stumbles into pot field! The steaks have never been higher. Rubik’s Cube Life Life is like a Rubik's cube... Easy to mess up, hard to solve. ----- The Jealous Dog A man comes home

Today’s Clean Jokes for Friday, November 22, 2019 Today's Clean Limericks I'm papering walls in the loo And quite frankly I haven't a clue; For the pattern's all wrong (Or the paper's too long) And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue. Quote of the Day: This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Today's One-Liner: Anyone who always tells the truth is a big liar. Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" Received from Laugh & Lift A Diner Funny Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said the first guy. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." "I'll have black coffee too," said the second. "And please make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?" [Forwarded by Gretchen Patti] ----- Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained. "What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked. "If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle." Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life ..." "What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." Received from Da Mouse Tracks List of 20 items ? I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad. ? A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again. ? Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned. ? Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing. ? I'm not at liberty to say why. ? I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me. ? It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details. ? I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy. ? I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked. ? My mom used it as a dryer sheet. ? My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized. ? It's against my religion to do any homework. ? I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays. ? I felt it wasn't challenging enough. ? My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished. ? We had homework?! ? I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah." ? I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload. ? I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers. ----- The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding... She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber. (Sabrina Elis) ----- How to Keep a Man: Be sexy and feminine. Take good "care" of h

Sunday, November 24, 2019 Today's Clean Limericks Nitrous oxide investment's a shock To my wife. Every day she will mock How I spent my money. Said she thinks it's funny Because now I am her laughing stock. Haiku and Limericks Kirk Miller Quote of the Day: A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. Today's One-Liner: Many people would be scared if they saw in the mirror, not their faces ... but their character. Quick Jokes "Save the earth ... It's the only planet with chocolate!" :) ----- An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar............... The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai. " Received from Laugh & Lift A Hamster Funny After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?" Received from Mikey's Funnies Good Morning Groanies, Today is my mom's birthday. She's an age that's a number today, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. She's responsible for my taste in humor, which I'm forever grateful. Some of you may take issue with that, but I say... Irregardless! Mom has always shown me that seeing the funny in things can really defuse just about anything. Whether it be stress, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness, fear, a good joke or a hearty laugh will help to keep you going. I guess laughter truly is the best medicine. Thanks, Dr. Mom. Take my blood pressure, please! Happy Birthday, Mom! Groaningly yours, Steve ----- *-- Cross-eyed Dog --* A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." Received from The Daily Groaner In morning service at our church, the pastor asked the congregation if anyone had something to thank God for. An elderly gentleman rose to his feet and said, "I want to thank God for my new hearing aid. Now I can hear you." He paused before adding with a smile, "When I want to." Received from Da Mouse Tracks Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." ----- The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws have been written down, they ought not always remain unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes. Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game, other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances of any whale finding

Monday, November 25, 2019 Today's Clean Limerick: Take a hike! Some limericks that I wrote during a trip to Rocky Mountain National Park: Flattop Mountain's our goal, so we press 'Gainst a blustery wind that's a mess. With each bone-chilling blow, Every hiker does know That the wind is a howling success. Hiking mountains is something I like. Near the top, some bad weather does spike. We get pelted with hail; The wind blows like a gale, So we say it's a hail of a hike. Haiku and Limericks; Kirk Miller ~~ Quote of the Day: May I live this day compassionate of heart, clear in word, gracious in awareness, courageous in thought, generous in love. - John O'Donohue Today's One-Liner: A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. Quick Joke A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" Received from Laugh & Lift A Race Funny A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver. "I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast." They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap. The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!" Received from Mikey's Funnies *-- Making A Car --* Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself... "so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." "Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?" And Fred replied, "Two years." ----- *-- Q and A Quickies --* Q: What has eight legs and goes up and down? A: A spider in an elevator! Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness? A: He wanted to get the story straight. Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service? A: He wanted to rake in some cash. *-- Reader Comments --* Sounds like road rage to me will happen if you snatch their precious phone out of their hands. Florida has a new law that you cannot have a handheld device in your hands while in a school zone or work zone. Needs to be everywhere. And no, I am not doing this in my vehicle. --Harry [Harry, thanks for not writing and sending this comment from your phone while operating a motor vehicle. As for the laws...you can make as many laws as you want, people are still going to update their Facebook status, post pictures of their meals, and broadcast unneeded, unwanted, unnecessary opinions. It's as unavoidable as death, taxes, and re-runs of Friends on Nick-at-Nite.] Received from The Daily Groaner The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Haband asked a fellow choir member, Mrs. Grey. "Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said Mrs. Grey. Mr. Haband nodded, You certainly have a fine weapon." Received from Da Mouse Tracks The funeral There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Wel

I am testing this site. I've had delivery problems this week.

Today’s Clean Jokes for Wednesday, November 27, 2019 Today's Clean Limericks A motor mechanic named Fox Got crushed between cylinder blocks. They laid him to rest In his boots and his vest With his spanner and jack in the box. Haiku and Limericks Kirk Miller Quote of the Day: One of life's mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. – From Mike Atkinson Today's One-Liner: He's a typical man of distinction. Today’s Clean Pun: If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? Scholar-ships. Quick Jokes An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard. ----- A Girl Scout troop in Waukesha, Wis., sold cookies to several people who then failed to pay. Now the troop is taking the deadbeats to small-claims court to make them pay up. According to an April 29, 2005, Associated Press story, the amounts owed by two couples and three other women ranged from $301.42 to $1,485.68. "We call many times before taking this step," Slowinski said. "We send them letters. When all else fails, this is our last resort." Previous letters seeking payment have suggested creation of a repayment plan. My question is: Who buys $1500 worth of Girl Scout cookies? I mean, I like Samoas as much as the next guy, but please .... Received from Laugh & Lift A Size Funny A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Today's Thot============================ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey." Received from Mikey’s Funnies Fun Facts about Turkeys You may think you know all of the important Thanksgiving facts, but what do you know about turkeys? Read our collection of fun facts about turkeys! Turkeys are able to adapt to a wide variety of habitats. However, most turkeys are found in hardwood forests with grassy areas. The best time to see a turkey is on a warm clear day or in a light rain. Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead. Turkeys spend the night in trees. They fly to their roosts around sunset. Turkeys fly to the ground at first light and feed until mid-morning. Feeding resumes in mid-afternoon. Gobbling starts before sunrise and can continue through most of the morning. A wild turkey has excellent vision and hearing. Their field of vision is about 270 degrees. This is the main reason they continue to elude some hunters. A spooked turkey can run at speeds up to 20 miles per hour. They can also burst into flight approaching speeds between 50-55 mph in a matter of seconds. Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey. Received from jays520 via GCFL. My mother was quizzing my four-year-old son, who attends Sunday school, about heaven. "The streets are paved with gold," my daughter said. When we go there, we will have a new body. His grandmother said, I'd be happy to have new feet and legs." Sam replied: "Oh, you'll have a whole new body, Grammom! And guess what? You might even be thin!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks Holiday Heavyweights The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to th

Today’s Clean Jokes for Thursday, November 28, 2019 Today's Clean Limericks Turkey limerick A turkey was asked out to dine So told all his friends, "I feel fine! When the water grew hot He went in the pot, And asked for a cool glass of wine! ----- One Saturday morning at three A cheesemonger's shop in Paree Collapsed to the ground With a thunderous sound Leaving only a pile of de brie. Quote of the Day: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde Today's One-Liner: My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. Quick Joke A Question Of Attitude: (there's a lesson in here ...) A three-year-old tried to move a table. After she had struggled long, her mother tried to discourage her attempts, saying, "Baby, you can't move that table. It's as big as you are." "Yes, I can," said the little girl, "I'm as big as it is." Received from Laugh & Lift A Bank Funny First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller. Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week. First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for. Received from Mikey's Funnies Secret Formula The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983 .... Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. When Sara was 6, her new puppy became seriously ill, and the vet didn't know if he could save it. I felt very bad for Sara, because this was her first pet and it had been a gift, so I said to her, "Don't worry, precious; just remember, if Fluffy dies, we'll see her in heaven." Sara looked at me as if I were simple-minded and said, "Well, yes, Daddy, but heaven's a long way off for me -- I'm only six!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks Be Prepared Grandma was showing the children a painting of the Pilgrim Family on a Thanksgiving Day card that they had received and she commented, 'The Pilgrim children enjoyed going to church with their mothers and fathers and praying to God.' Her youngest grandson looked at her doubtfully and asked, 'Then why is their Dad carrying that rifle?' Received from Funny Jokes via Doc’s Daily Chuckle On the Lighter Side Middle age is the time of life when you can write a book about the things you talk yourself out of doing. Punnies Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. Gardening Mystery ... Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it??? The plot thickens ... Make Me Numb Some puns leave me numb ... But math puns make me even number! ----- Room for Rent The landlady of a rooming house that had seen better days was leading a prospective tenant to a third-floor room with badly splattered wallpaper. Landlady: “The last man who lived in this room was an inventor---he invented some type of explosive." Prospective tenant: “Then the spots on the wall was some type of explosive?” Landlady: “No, the inventor.” ----- AFactADay.com ... A Thanksgiving Song Jingle Bells is one the better known and more popular Christmas songs. The song was written in 1857 by James Lord Pierpont. Did you know that it was NOT intended to be a Christmas song? When written, Jingle Bells was meant to be a song for the Thanksgiving holiday. Received from aJokeADay.com Turkey Riddles What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!--- Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up? 'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!--- What is the Turkey's favorite black-tie celebration? The Butter Ball--- What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock! When is a turkey most like a ghost? When it's a-gobblin' ----- Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blen

The Laugh

Friday, November 29, 2019 Good Clean Limerick: ‘twas a ‘arrowing experience I tried archery, drew some wisecracks Which increased 'til they reached a climax. It just wasn't for me. I could readily see That it just had too many drawbacks. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Today’s Clean Pun: I don't care how much you love turkey, we don't allow that kind of fowl language at the table. Quote of the Day: We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count. -- Neal A. Maxwell Today’s One-Liner: This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me. Quick Joke While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' ----- Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes." ----- Car Troubles A motorist began to check under the hood after his car suddenly stopped on a country road. A horse going by quietly said, “Better check the gas line.” This frightened the motorist so that he ran to a nearby farmhouse and told the farmer what had happened. “Was that an old gray horse with a black tail?” asked the farmer. “Yes, it was,” cried the motorist. “Well, don’t pay any attention to him,” added the farmer. “That horse doesn’t know anything about cars.” From JOKES PRIESTS CAN TELL Received from Laugh & Lift A Bark Funny A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more." "Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch." The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch." ----- Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more." "Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch." The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch." ----- Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle Received from Mikey’s Funnies Missing Work "Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf." "That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!" Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. One evening I was commenting on my bad exercise habits and tight clothes. Whenever I criticize myself, my five-year-old son always has something charming to say. Using a new word this time, he smiled and said, "Oh, no Mommy! You look flabulous!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks Getting Older Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cried. "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie. "Yes," answered Amy, "but your husband's an antique dealer!" Received from Today's Cl

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Thanks for today's stuff, Teji!

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Today's Clean Jokes for November 30, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: Sew what? Many dresses the seamstress is mendin'. Every week, seven days she's been spendin' All wrapped up in her work. She might soon go berserk. People see she is feeling hemmed in. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Quote of the Day: I have chosen to be happy because it’s good for my health. -- Voltaire Today's One-Liner: Bad Spellers of the World UNTIE "I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do." "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours." Received from Laugh & Lift Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey." ----- TURKEY LEFTOVERS By W. Bruce Cameron Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate. Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.) But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours. "Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under. Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes." I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development. As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time. Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it." Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey. From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter: http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2005. Permission is granted to send this to ot

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Sunday, December 1, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: Jail Time He woke up in a drunk tank, bloated. When he saw he's in jail, exploded. He's a gunslinger, so I suppose you should know That the gunman was locked and loaded. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Pun of the day: What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's Greetings. Quote of the Day: Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People Today’s Christmas One-Liner: There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving ----- I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. A Cake Funny A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" Received from Mikey's Funnies Sunday Service A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front. Received from Today's CleanLaugh. 3 Iron Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a par 3 which measures 235 yards. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and smashes the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the hole. A fan in the crowd came up to him and said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make the ball back up like that with a 3 iron?" Arnold replied, "Do you have a 3 iron?" The fan said, "Yes sir, I do." "How far do you hit it?" "About 160 yards," came the answer. Arnold calmly said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?" Received from GCFL My husband had just finished bowling, and we were in the lounge with some friends. We hadn't had our cell-phone for long, so while we were sitting there, I asked Michael to show me how to access messages. He did and I retrieved a message. "Who is it?" he asked. "It sounds like some old woman asking for bread," I replied. Michael took the phone and listened to the message. "That was you," he laughed, "asking me to pick up bread at the store." Received from Da Mouse Tracks On the Lighter Side Max: My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost interest in that relationship. John: And now you're just left a loan. James: You deserve credit for this. Punnies Hope everyone heard about the E.coli outbreak and threw away any Romaine lettuce...unless you're wanting a Seizure Salad. -- Doug Spector Whether or not giving up lettuce will allow you to get a head still Romaines to be seen. There is not a lot of salad evidence. -- Gary Hallo To mato or not to mato; that is the question. I have tossed about pondering it, but I am not concerned about a dressing down if I get it wrong. -- One Sagan The news about the e.coli has leeked out, but there is safe lettuce growing up the mountain if you would scale yon cliff to reach it. The stores are charging raddichio-lous prices for produce but come and put your best Bibb on and have a meal with me. -- Cynthia MacGregor You guys kale me! Just don't climb up the cliff endive! -- Erika Ettin According to the CDC, lettuce diseases could incre

Today's Clean Jokes for Monday, December 2, 2019 Today’s Clean Limerick: A Degrading Limerick The new compost firm says it's going To succeed 'cause its sales are showing A remarkable climb. They'll soon be in their prime For the firm's line of work is growing. Kirk Miller; Haiku and Limericks Quote of the Day: No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. -- Robert Kirby Today’s Christmas One-Liner: The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents. ----- I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa. A Size Funny A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ----- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Received from Mikey's Funnies Good Morning Groanies, I don't feel safe while driving anymore. It's mainly due to the other drivers that seem preoccupied with activities other than driving and paying attention while driving. It seems like so many drivers these days could do without a windshield or windows because they never look up to see through them at any point while behind the wheel. I wish I could understand what was so damn important on all of these phones that they take up the attention of a large percentage of the population. Did I miss something? Are short pants and skinny ties back in fashion? Are pumpkin spice lattes back at Starbucks? Did the cast of Friends just blah blah blah, nobody gives two craps? What's going on? It should be a law that if a citizen, mainly me, sees some horse's ass texting or phoning or whatever you call it while they should be driving. This person, me, should be able to reach into their vehicle, snatch the phone away, call the offender's mother and tell her that they raised an irresponsible moron, tell her "smell you later", and then toss that punk's phone into the bowels of a port-a-potty right after the fair left town. I think this would get results and I'm willing to do it simply for the pleasure of seeing lives saved and justice served... and talking with some nice moms that can get me some favorable banana bread recipes! Groaningly yours, Steve ----- *-- In Love with Two Women --* A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ----- *-- High-Tech vs. Low-Tech --* THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID .... "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT .... I'M GETTING A FAX!!" (Joke submission courtesy of my Mom. She's knows funny.) ----- *-- Q and A Quickies --* Q: What country makes you shiver? A: Chile. Q: What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors? A: A piano. Q: What is a tree's favorite drink? A: Root beer. Received from The Daily Groaner It wasn't until my 14-year-old son, Leon, answered the telephone one afternoon that I realized how quickly he had grown. "Hello?" he said, in his ever-deepening voice