开云体育

Daily Clean Jokes for March 5, 2025? ? ? ??

? ? ? ?

Today's Clean Limericks

?

The two prisoners had the same traits,

So they bought some hotels in four states

????????????And became best of friends.

????????????You should know how this ends:

Both the convicts were known as?inn?mates.

?

Dick, Grover, Jim got it.

?

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

??

-----? ? ?

Puns

Whether or not the substitute teacher would be teaching science, history, math, etc. was subject to change.

?

The best pitcher in the league signed the new contract so that he could?strike it rich.

?

For PBA?hall of famer Earl Anthony, bowling left-handed was right up his alley.

?

Tension was high on the set because the movie stars were having trouble interacting.

?

Edward came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, "Well, I ran into Mary. You remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me." "Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."

-----

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. 

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. 

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. 

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.  'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 

''Thanks,' the girl replied. 

The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' 

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. 

?

Kirk Miller

?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

??

Quotes of the Day:?I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.?-- Grouch Marx

?

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.?-- Elbert Hubbard

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

??

Today's One-Liners:? ?

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

?

Thanks to Cybersaltine W. McLauren for sending these (I don't think he lives by or recommends all of them.)

?

-All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

?

- I am at one with my duality.

?

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

?

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

?

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

?

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

?

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

?

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

?

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

?

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

?

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

?

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

?

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

?

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

?

The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

?

??

Catching Fish

?

A guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.

?

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

?

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

?

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

?

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

?

"But why?"

?

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

?

Received from Pastor Tim.

?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

A Describe Funny

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

?

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

?

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times . . ."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

Received from Joke du Jour?via GCFL.

?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

I had been complaining for months about my noisy old upright vacuum cleaner. When it finally bit the dust, I happily ran out and bought the snappy-looking red canister vacuum that I'd had my eye on for some time. I really wasn't aware of how much I bragged about the new addition to my cleaning arsenal until the day my husband, George, walked in just as I came around the corner with my new vacuum in tow.

?

"Wow, honey!" he said.? "When did you teach it to follow you like that?"??

?

-----

?

Hard at work on a crossword puzzle, grandma was making frequent erasures while filling in the grid.? When her grandchild asked if he could help, she laughed and said no.?

?

The five-year-old frowned and said.? "Grandma, I can erase as good as anybody else can."

?

-----

?

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.

?

"Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted.

?

"I didn't stop," he said, wheezing. "I'm coasting."?

?

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

?

What do you call a belt made of watches?

?

?What's a books favorite exercis

Spine stretches

?

Received from Reddit Clean.

?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

?

You know you're getting old when...

When your son's hair is turning gray.

-----

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: "You all need to start clapping!"

"What a weirdo," I thought.

Anyway we all started to clap and the lights came on!

I said: "How did that happen?"

He replied: "Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."

-----

Thought Of The Day:??If At First You Don't Succeed

"If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”?-- Steven Wright

?

Received from aJokeADay.com.

?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cop's Toilet

?

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

?

-----

?

Cheapskate Carpet Tip

?

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

?

-----

?

Volvo for Dummies

?

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by dummies for dummies called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge dummmifeatures:

?

-- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

?

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

?

-- Permanent press fenders.

?

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

?

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than they actually are.

?

-----

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a hairstylist for a decade. During the last couple of years, I don't feel I've gotten the service I deserve. I go in for a trim about every two months (sometimes longer to save money). She is extremely busy and sometimes delegates "green" hairstylists to wash and blow-dry my hair.

I appreciate that she gives new hairstylists a chance to get experience, but last time two different people worked on my hair in addition to her, and it took an hour and a half for a simple trim. On top of that, she charged me an extra $10. I like to tip everyone properly (a little something for the associates, with 20% going to her). Sometimes, she's a little late for appointments. The last time I asked for a different hairstyle, she gave pushback because "I wouldn't take care of it."

I'm ready to move on to someone new and a new hairstyle. What is the proper way to break up with your hairstylist? I would like to do it in person, but it could be awkward, and she could get angry. Should I give an extra tip??-- HAIRY SITUATION IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HAIRY SITUATION:?You are not this stylist's friend; you are her client. You have every right to change stylists, and you shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. If you feel you must give her a reason, tell her the truth on the phone or in person. You are within your rights to make a change if you wish. It shouldn't create ill feelings, and you don't have to give her a farewell tip.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single parent, and my kids' grandfather (my father-in-law) has offered to watch them at his house once a week. I would love to take him up on it because it would help me keep up with all of my responsibilities. But I hesitate because he wasn't an involved father, so he has no parenting experience.

For example, he struggles with conflict management between the kids (and his own temper). He has no sense: I do not trust he knows what or when to feed the kids. Also, his house is a complete mess -- he never throws anything away.

My kids enjoy spending time with him, and we don't have much family, so I'd like to foster their relationships. How do I maximize the good and minimize the bad of their visits? How do I support him doing the best by my children without me being overbearing??-- MOM WITH HELP

DEAR MOM:?Some of the issues you raise can be resolved by simply talking to your father-in-law and telling him how YOU resolve conflicts between the kids, what you want them fed and when. A messy house is different from one that could have a negative impact upon their health. How bad is it? Does the place pose a danger to your children? Is it possible that he could babysit at your house rather than his?

Regarding his temper, however, are you absolutely sure he won't abuse your children if he loses it? If the answer to that question is no, then babysitting cannot be allowed.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?

Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

?

Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

Our New Groups Email Addresses

? Post:?mailto:[email protected]

? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected]

? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected]

? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected]

? Help:?mailto:[email protected]

?

PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

??

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

?