While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Don't judge a book by it's cover.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?A Computer Funny ? If every computer were replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch:
1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q:? ?My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these?funny?little lines all over the screen.
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?What's the shortcut for Undo?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?How do I create a New Document window?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:? ?Pick it up and shake it.
Q:? ?How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:? ?Don't shake it.
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?
What’s a Pirates favourite cheese?? Chedd-AAR.
There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France… all that was left was de brie. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?? Nacho cheese. What do cheese salesmen say?? That cheese may be?, but this one is Feta!
What music does cheese listen to?? R &? .
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?? Because the Roquefort back.
When can’t you see a cheese?? When it’s pasteurised..
When should you go on a cheese diet?? If you need to cheddar a few pounds.
Why does cheese look sane?? Because everything else on the plate is crackers. ? ?As seen at the Courtyard Dairy. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? The best things in life are free ... plus tax, shipping and handling.
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How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said??? Received from Da Mouse Tracks via Ron Kopanski, 2-18-2016. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ? ?On a visit to Dallas, I was eager to visit a posh?department store about a?couple of blocks from our hotel.? ? My husband obligingly hailed a cab. ? "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the?driver. ? The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. ? "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to?the bank?" ? ? On the Lighter Side. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?
I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps…
He gave me a blank stair.
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American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men frequent bars.
1) They don’t have a woman.
2) They have a woman.
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Thought Of The Day:??Love Is Blind “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”?-- Pauline Thomason ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.?
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, she began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
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The doctor told a woman that she had a year to live. She told him that she needed more time?and was there anything she could do.?
The doc said, "Have your husband take up fiddling."?
She asked, "How will that help me live longer .?
"It won't"??replied the doc, "but it will seem?a lot longer."
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Irish Joke of the day –?God’s HotlineOn vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bob asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars. Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland . He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating:?“DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN — 25 CENTS” “贵补迟丑别谤,”?he said,?“I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?” The priest smiled and said, “Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.” -----
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine ... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
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There Is a Monkey in the Bar
A monkey goes into a bar looking quite dejected.
The bartender notices, and asks him "Why the long face?" The monkey pulls out a bar stool and takes a seat with a heavy sigh, saying "I didn't ask for any of this. I was modified in a lab, given intelligence I never wanted. I was an experiment. A stupid creation. They didn't even stop at making me sentient, they made me an alcoholic, and for what?" He shouts, and throws his beer bottle across the empty bar, it shatters against a wall, and he turns back to the bartender. "I go to the zoo sometimes, just to look at all the monkeys swinging in the trees without a care in the world. I like to think I'm like them, but at the end of the day they're on one side of the glass and I'm on the other." The bartender shakes his head in disbelief and says, "Wow... That's some serious monkey business." -----
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!...
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with someone for 11 months. We're both each other's first relationship after being single for a few years following traumatic breakups. During our entire relationship, he has not cut his hair, left his house or socialized with anyone besides me, except via text. He doesn't visit me, but he always leaves his door open for me. We have discussed going out, but he always finds a reason to stay inside. After a while, I realized they were just excuses. He claims to be fine, but his mother and I are worried. She told me he became this way after his breakup and COVID. My boyfriend always seems happy around me and states that he wants to marry and have children. He also says "I love you" and expresses his desire to be with me. His social media shows a completely different man, but it was all prior to his breakup. What should I do??-- DISCOURAGED IN MICHIGAN DEAR DISCOURAGED:?Because this man was a different person before his breakup and the COVID pandemic, and his mother is also worried about him, speak up. People who lose interest in things they used to do and no longer groom themselves may be suffering from depression, which his doctor could help him with. Make it clear to your reclusive boyfriend that you have been patient for almost a year now, and if he wants to continue having a relationship with you, he must consult a licensed mental health professional about his fear of leaving his house. Without professional help, he won't get better, and this could become your life as well.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's friends and their son came to spend the weekend at our new camper with us. We asked their son repeatedly in front of his parents not to do damaging things. After the weekend, at my husband's urging, I texted the woman about his behavior. When her husband texted mine about it, my husband didn't back me up. My daughter told me she heard him tell the man on the phone that it was all me, and that they were welcome back when I was on vacation. I was furious. That was three years ago, and my husband still hangs out with them. He has asked me to apologize so we can all be friends again. Am I wrong for demanding he tell the truth, that he wanted that text written, that he lied and it was NOT "just me"? I want him to back me up as he should have.?-- TICKED-OFF WIFE DEAR WIFE:?Face it. Your husband set you up and then chickened out. Where he should have a backbone, it appears he has a wet noodle. You are not wrong for wanting him to fess up, but don't expect it to happen. On this subject, your husband is more interested in pacifying his buddy than what your feelings about it may be. You have my sympathy. |
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And now from Australia
Elections
The USA's two party system has achieved this already. ?
? ______________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? | 