Daily Clean Jokes for March 3, 2025

#2452

Daily Clean Jokes for March 3, 2025

Kirk's Limerick

Origami show's one that I knew

Would be televised, but I did rue

????????????What I found on TV.

????????????Wasn't able to see

The world championship; it's?paper?view.

Lee, Conrad, Chris got it.?

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns

The price of shingles is going through the roof.

An archaeologist's career ended in ruins.

If a town's people have low IQs, is the population dense?

Thirsty jokers can be seen waiting in the punch line.

In medical school, he worried about passing as a surgeon, but he made the cut.

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Government Efficiency

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Stunning Aurora

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An FBI agent goes to deliver a warrant to search the premises of this country bumkin. The agent knocks on the door and an old and weathered-looking man of about sixty-five answers. The agent says, "I have a warrant to search the property" and shows the old guy the warrant. The old guy looks it over and says, "Very well, you can search anywhere you wish, but don't go behind the barn. Besides, it's locked to prevent intruders from entering."

The FBI agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this badge? Along with this warrant, it gives me the right to search any part of this property I see fit. Do not tell me where I can and I cannot search ... "Do you understand me" in an authoritative voice. "I will do whatever is necessary to complete my investigation, again, do you understand me?" This time even more forceful.?

The old timer says, "Yeah I understand, loud and clear, you can do whatever you want on my property and I got nothing to say about it."

The FBI agent says, "Good, as long as we understand each other" and walks away with an air of superiority. About five minutes pass and the old geezer hears: "Help, help me, God please help me!!" And the old guy runs as fast as he can to the cries for help, and upon approach,?the FBI agent is on top of the fence that he breached because the door was locked and with a hundred and fifty pound Rottweiler tugging at the agent's arm that is wielding a gun and trying its level best to tear it off.?

The old guy continues forward yelling, "Show him your badge and warrant, show him your badge and warrant!!"

As seen at Quora Jokes.

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?When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it? fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer ... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of?a clever way to make her point.?

?When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away?with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into?the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.?

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

?The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

As seen at Poetic Expressions.

8am: Too tired to think.

Noon: Too tired to think.

5pm: Too tired to think.

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

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Bob and George are golfing, when a bird flies overhead. "Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." George says.

"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" George says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"

Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.

Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"

George yells back, "Goose!"

BONK.

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Thought Of The Day:??Begin

"Begin. Even if you have no idea if it will work." -- Unavailable?

Received from aJokeADay.

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And that's how the fight started ...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a?Christmas?gift...

?The next? year, I didn't buy her a gift.? When she asked? me why, I replied,

?? ?"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"?

?????? ?And that's how the fight started ...

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?My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

??I turned to? her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'?

????????? 'No,' she answered. I then said,

?? ? ? ? ? 'Is that your final answer?'?

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes',

??So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."?

???????? ?And that's when the fight started...

?????????? ________________________________

?My? wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he?sat?alone at a nearby table.?

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

??? ?"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"?

????????? ??? ?? And then the fight started...?

?????????? ________________________________

My wife?sat?down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

?I said, "Dust."

?? ? ? ? ??And then the fight started...

?????????? ________________________________

?Saturday?morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,?and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.?

?I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my?wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

????? ?My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my? stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

???????? ?And that's how the fight started....

?????????? _______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

?She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

?I bought her a bathroom scale.

??????? ???And then the fight started...

?????????? ______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

?I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.? I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

?She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

?When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

?She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

????????? ?And then the fight started..

?????????? ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

????????? ?And then the fight started...

?????????? ________________________________

?I rear-ended a car?this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

?He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one?ARE?you then?'

???????? ?That's how the fight started.

As seen at Edugeek.com

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Q: How long do chickens work?
A: Around the cluck!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken!

Q:? Why does a chicken coop have two doors instead of four?

A:? Because if?it?had four doors?it?would?be a?sedan.

As seen at ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?

Here's another story about how American health care is letting people down. A study in the Journal of General Internal Medicine found that 65% to 81% of older folks who have dementia -- and their caregivers -- don't know that they have the condition!

How can that happen? The researchers say it's likely their doctors never told them they have dementia -- or, if they did, that the patient or caregiver didn't understand what was being said.

This is a clear-cut example of how ...

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DEAR ABBY: I'm fortunate that most of my neighbors are kind and considerate. We've all enjoyed sharing each other's celebrations. However, there's one family among the five households that we've never managed to connect with on a personal level. Despite our efforts, such as giving gifts and food, they have always been unresponsive. While there's no animosity, there is also no rapport.

Recently, an issue has arisen that's becoming increasingly troublesome. Their garage is so packed with belongings that they park their car outside. Unfortunately, the car has an extremely sensitive alarm system that goes off multiple times during the night. I have witnessed it being triggered by their cat jumping on the car. The alarm sounds for 15 to 20 seconds, and it's loud enough to interrupt sleep, which has been an ongoing problem for the last six months.

I consider myself a generally easygoing person, but this is frustrating. What's the most respectful way to address this issue with the family, given that we've had limited interaction with them? -- SLEEPY IN BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON

DEAR SLEEPY: Write the couple a note and explain that for the last six months their car alarm has been waking you up. Point out that the cause may be their cat jumping on the vehicle in the wee hours of the morning, and ask if the alarm can be set to be less sensitive or if their furry family member can be kept inside.

They won't know there is a problem if you don't communicate that there is one. (I wonder how the rest of the neighbors feel about this?) If the disturbance continues, you will have to report it as a nuisance to the homeowners association, if there is one, or to the police as a last resort. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 66 years old and have been diagnosed with moderately aggressive prostate cancer. I will start radiation therapy soon. My wife knows about it and has been very supportive, but we have not shared it with my children, siblings, relatives or friends.

One of the reasons for keeping quiet was that my daughter-in-law was expecting their first child, and I didn't want to ruin their joy. Now the baby is here, and I'm still not comfortable informing them. What is your opinion? Should I tell them, keep it a secret or let my wife tell them afterward, should I not survive the treatment? -- SECRETIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SECRETIVE: To tell or not to tell is a very personal decision. It might depend upon your reason for not wanting anyone to know about your diagnosis. Consider tabling the announcement until you have started treatment and see how challenging it may (or may not) be.

If you need emotional support, you may want to tell those close to you what's going on or join a cancer support group. It would be unfair to your wife to make her delay informing your children, siblings, relatives, etc. until after you are gone because she would be blamed for keeping your condition from them.

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Daily Clean Jokes for March 3, 2025

Q:? Why does a chicken coop have two doors instead of four?