Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for Saturday, March 15, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for Thursday, March 15, 2025? ?? ? ? Today's Clean Pun:?? ? At the cheese plant, we all had to flee From explosions they didn’t foresee. At the end of the day, Heard a newscaster say That the only thing left was de Brie. ? (Kirk Miller) ? ? Quote of the Day:???"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"?-- Dave Barry ? ? Today's One-Liner:???Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. ? ? Quick Jokes ? A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like 1this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ? ----- ? I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, "Pardon me for not standing." ? Received from Laugh & Lift ?? ----- Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility. ? My parents had remote control in the 1950s. Here’s how it worked: “Son, go change to channel 4, would you please?” Received from Conrad Macina. ????????? Clean Laffs ? "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order.??It's always fun when people who can't stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won't have to see each other for a whole year.??It's like international Thanksgiving."?-- Craig Ferguson ? "Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth 'Bourne Identity' movie.??It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? "Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol.??While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing."?-- Seth Meyers ? ----- ? After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one. ? By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?" ? Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him. ? Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out. ? The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside. ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. ? "His name is Tiny," replies the man. ? "Why do you call him that?" asks the bartender. ? "Because he's my newt!" ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Charm School ? Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. ? The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." ? The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." ? The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." ? Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." ? The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." ? Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice." ? The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" ? The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school." ? "Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" ? The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who cares?', I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice.'" ? Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. ? ? Thought for the Day: ? "Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. "?-- Lord Byron ? ----- ? The 24-Hour Diner By D.J. Hausman-Hill Lititz ? Where America meets to eat to share the local news to gather with compatriots or hold impromptu meetings. An icon in the world of eateries designed to resemble the railroad car with its counter and upholstered stools where the waitress 'whips out" her order pad from her starched uniform. Where comfort food is served all day and breakfast is served at 11 p.m. This hearty fare prepared by short order cooks dedicated purveyors of All-American specialties represents the best of 24 Hour Diner. ? Received from Syman Says;?SYMANSAYS@... ? ? A Hawaii 'Funny' ? These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii." ? So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'" ? The gentleman said, "Havaii." ? So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you." ? The gentleman replied, You're velcome." ? Forwarded by Steve Sanderson ? ----- ? They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ~~ ? Most grandmas have a touch of the scallywag. ? ----- ? Through all the everyday problems of growing up my mother always reminded me "This too shall pass." Now, as my little son keeps life interesting by playing with my cookware, dumping pancake mix on the floor and staying awake through naptime. I remind myself "This too shall pass ... only too soon." ? ----- ? It Made My Day ? I was walking through a shopping centre wearing my Batman symbol hoodie when I heard someone calling 'Batman! Batman!'?I looked over and saw that it was a man running a stall. I put my finger to my lips and said 'Sshh, very loudly'?and he said 'Sorry, MR WAYNE' and winked at me.??IMMD ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? Dating ? I’d been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. ? My mother thought he’d take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely. ? "A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders." ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? Candlemakers??are pulling for longer wick ends. ? Drive-in banks were established so cars could meet their real owners.???????? ? An egg pulls a cart with a yolk. (Pun of the Day) ? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ? ????????? Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, I was pleased to hear a snippet of classical music. But the store's sound system didn't seem to be working properly, as the music would begin to play, then stop quickly then start again from the beginning. ? Turning to the woman standing behind me in line, I commented, "I hope the store will get their sound fixed so we can enjoy the nice music. ? As the music started up again I smiled at the lady and said, "There it is again! Isn't it lovely?" ? "Uhhhh ... Your cellphone is ringing." ? ----- ? Thought for Today: ? "It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting." ? (Tom Stoppard, b. 1937) ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ? Three Travelers ? Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. ? "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." ? "How can you tell?" asked the American. ? "I can feel the cold air." he replied. ? A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds. ? "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said. ? "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. ? "I can feel the heat of the desert." ? Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds. ? "Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. ? "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed. ? The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing." ? ----- ? Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do, Part I ? Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it. ? Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us. ? Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women. ? What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies. ? You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman. ? What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!! ? Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed. ? Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping. ? Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie. ? ----- ? The Cat ? A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. ? The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. ? They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. ? Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. ? "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid thing was hiding under the bed." Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" ? The cabdriver hit a parked car .... ? ----- ? Random Thoughts from a Woman ? 1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. ? 2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. ? 3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. ? 4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. ? 5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. ? 6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. ? 7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. ? 8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ? 9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. ? 10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. ? 11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! ? 12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. ? 13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. ? 14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die." ? 15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) ? 16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. ? 17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. ? 18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? ? ----- ? Motorcycle Ride ? There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. ? Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." ? After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. ? The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" ? The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way." ? ----- ? Late Night Funny #1 ? The latest ranking of the world's richest billionaires came out this morning. Bill Gates came in first with $79.2 billion. I feel bad for him. Can you imagine having that much money and you still don't have an iPhone 6? ? Seth Meyers ? ----- ? Late Night Funny #2 ? Forbes released its annual list of billionaires. Once again the richest person on the planet, with $79.2 billion, is Bill Gates. To put that into perspective, that's enough money to never have to drink tap water at a restaurant ever again. ? Jimmy Kimmel ? ----- ? Late Night Funny #3 ? Leonard Nimoy passed away. Sad news. To honor Nimoy, Canadians have been sketching Spock's eyebrows, hair, and ears. As a result, Canadians will now be called Canerdians. ? Conan O'Brien ? ----- ? Late Night Funny #4 ? During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work. ? Jimmy Fallon ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? (From the Archives) ? A Subway Drop ? The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.??Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.??Most necks were craned.??One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.??He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?" ? "I did," answered three men at once. ? "Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it." ? Received from You Make Me Laugh ? ? The Judge's Tie ? At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. ? Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. ? The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.??The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. ? Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. ? "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'" ? Received from You Make Me Laugh ? ? As an obstetrician, I aided the delivery of a baby boy for the wife of a player for the San Diego Chargers football team. Soon after, I approached the new father with his firstborn and noticed he was shaking. I placed the little Charger in his arms and whispered, "Don't fumble." ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Carolle Jean-Murat ? ? Sports Joke ? John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? ? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!" ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? Waking Up for Church ? One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." ? "Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." ? His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!" ? Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ? Daily Trivia Question:???What is the correct term for ‘laughing gas’? Answer:??Nitrous oxide ----- In 1956, Tom Attridge did something unusual in an F-11 Tiger. He was flying so fast he accidentally shot himself down. He fired two bursts mid-way through a shallow dive and ended up outracing the cannon rounds. This meant a crash landing, but happily, Attridge survived. The Blue Angels, by the way, used the plane for about 10 years. ? ? What’s on the Web? ----------------------- Enjoy the Marionettes!? ? ? JEST FOR KIDS 03-05-15 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year olds in your life ? RIDDLES ? What has a head, can't think, but drives? A hammer? ? What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? "Whoa!".? ? Why did doctors gave up bloodletting long ago? Because it was all in vein. ? What do you call a referee from Italy? The Roman umpire. ? What type of reference book is best to find information about drug dependency? Addictionary ? PUNS & SHORT JOKES ? The baby was born in the family tree.? ? Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. ? The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork. ? I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now. ? In 1902 the first gum factory opened. An employee fell into a vat, and his boss chewed him out. ? PUN SERIES THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE ? 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root ? 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. ? 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. ? 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. ? 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. ? 2014 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root. ? GROANERS & LONG JOKES ? When the man goes outside, he will stroll Up to people with only one goal: To conduct a survey To find out what folks say 'Bout the arctic. It's called a North Poll. (Kirk Miller) ? A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of cows over there." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'" "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." ? The boss was leaving on vacation, and his secretary requested a phone number where he could be reached in an emergency. After he had left she found a note from him with a number to call in case there was a problem. She dialed the number. it turned out to be Dial-A-Prayer. ? Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.” Johnny:? "They are very lazy.? They are always found in beds.” ? Two carrots left the farm for a big time in the Big Apple. They went everywhere: shows, museums, libraries, the Statue of Liberty, the subways, and galleries. For a real blast off their last night in town, they went from bar to bar, carousing until the wee hours. When they stumbled out to the curb to hail a cab, one of the drunken carrots fell in the path of a speeding car. The other carrot called for an ambulance and followed his friend to the hospital. After several hours of waiting and pacing, the carrot was approached by a surgeon. The doctor told the carrot he bore both good and bad news and asked which he wished to hear first. The carrot told the doctor to start with the good news. The doctor complied, stating, "Your friend will live, but he'll always be a vegetable." ? ----- ? AND IN THE NEWS ? Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking "well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit ...."?(Janice Hough)? ? NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up." Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.?(Janice Hough)? ? John Boehner said yesterday that President Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a 'national embarrassment.' And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said, 'Here!?(Seth Meyers) ? Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy.?(Jimmy Fallon) ? Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.?(Conan O'Brien) ? "I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from 'Boyhood' just moved into a senior living facility.?(Jimmy Kimmel) ? ? AND FROM THE PAST ? President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.?(Jon Stewart 1/04)? ? Mexico's President Vicente Fox said that Mexico’s relationship with America has its ups and downs. That’s right. Their people come up here and our jobs go down there.?(Jay Leno 1/04) ? The Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez engagement ring is on the market after being bought by a jeweler. Apparently the 6 carat diamond setting didn't really go with the rest of her engagement ring collection.?(Jim Barach 2/05)? ? Jeanie Buss asked her father to hire back her boyfriend Phil Jackson to coach the Lakers. She said she can get to the games faster if she has someone to ride with her in the carpool lanes. There is nothing like Valentine's Day in Los Angeles.??(Argus Hamilton 2/05) ? Bush wants to legalize millions of undocumented workers. Boy, how much did Wal-Mart give to his campaign? Whooo, that's a big contribution, isn't it??(Jay Leno 1/04)) ? Hillary Clinton apologized for cracking a Mahatma Gandhi joke in Missouri on Monday. She says she admires how Gandhi protested imperialism by fasting. She would oppose occupation, too, if it would help her get down to a hundred and forty pounds.?(Argus Hamilton? 1/04) ? ----- ? AND FROM THE PAST ? Cell phones are being blamed for 2,600 deaths each year from traffic accidents where phone users are distracted. I would have thought that any deaths related to cell phone use would be from people getting killed for talking on their cell phone in a theater.?(Jim Barach 2/05) ? President Bush's new budget plan calls for deep cuts in domestic spending, including eliminating a $225 million program to promote literacy. Experts say this was not unexpected, especially since Mr. Bush's entire career proves just how little Americans need literacy to succeed.??(Jake Novak 2/05)? ? Joe Gibbs returned to coach the Washington Redskins and left auto racing. He faces a new language. If NFL players took his commercial advice and lubricated their joints with Pennzoil it would take Red Adair three weeks to put out the party.?(Argus Hamilton 1/04)? ? President Bush is also announcing plans for a $1.5 billion election-year drive to promote marriage. He also wants another billion dollars to send an American to the moon. That's how you know we have a big divorce problem in this country -- when it costs more to keep a couple together than to send a man to the moon.?(Jay Leno 1/04) ? Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians this week at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.?(Jake Novak 2/05) Received from Stan Kegel;?skegel@...D ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |