The cannibal's cookbook titled "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man" was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
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At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me.
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The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
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It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face.
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Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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At the RestaurantMy husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.via GCFL.
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A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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Today's One-Liner
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
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Quote of the Day
"Do what makes you happy, because when you die, your job will be posted before your obituary."
- Unknown
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Antsy Antics
Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants
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This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business.?It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers!
Today's video share is of a 3 year-old violinist:?it was just too cute to not share!
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Vicar's Surprise
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business.?It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers!
Mistaken Identity
A true story from Pastor Tim...One year, at the annual summer day camp Westside Bible Church runs, we had a set of identical twin brothers enrolled. They were 6 years old and very, very identical. At the end of each day's schedule, all of the day camp children would gather together in our main hall and watch a slide show of pictures taken during the various activities of the day. As they watched, the children would point out individuals they recognized in the photos. On one of those days, when one of the twins was recognized, a number of children pointed to him and said, "That's you!" Apparently it wasn't, because he replied loudly in protest, "No, that's not me. That's the other me!"
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?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Received from Pastor Tim?
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Hearing Aids on a Budget:? Morris's Hilarious Quest
Morris had long suspected that his hearing wasn't quite what it used to be. Friends often had to repeat themselves, and he found himself nodding along to conversations he could barely follow. It was time, he realised, to invest in a hearing aid. However, Morris, known for his frugality, was reluctant to part with a substantial sum of money. Determined to find a bargain, he headed to the local hearing aid store.
Upon entering the store, Morris was greeted by a friendly salesperson. "How much do they cost?" he inquired, hoping for a modest price tag. The salesperson, with a knowing smile, replied, "That depends. They run from $2.00 to $2,000." Morris, ever the penny-pincher, was intrigued by the mention of a $2.00 model. "Let's see the $2.00 model," he said, his curiosity piqued.
The salesperson, amused by Morris's request, obliged by presenting the budget model. He carefully placed the device around Morris' neck and explained, "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket." Morris examined the contraption, unsure of its effectiveness. "How does it work?" he asked.
With a twinkle in his eye, the salesperson answered, "For $2.00 it doesn't work. But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."
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Salesperson: "This is your lucky day! We have a special offer: Buy one, get one free!"
Customer: "No thanks. I don't need two."
Salesperson: "Then give the free one to a friend!"
Customer: "I don't have any friends."
Salesperson: "Then make one with the free item!"
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Thought Of The Day:??The Fears We Don't Face
"The fears we don't face become our limits." -- Robin Sharma
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The plumber can't put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That's a shower stall if I've ever heard one.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.
I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding...
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"Being a hacker is kind of being a supermodel. Eventually you grow up and move on." -- Kevin Poulson, legendary hacker, 1999
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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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Baby PowerHello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!Rule 1:? You have absolute power:Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.Rule 2:? CryTears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.Rule 3:? Be cute.This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.Rule 4:? Keep them weak.I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule 5:? Pee on them.Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule 6:? Make them carry you.Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.?
Rule 7:? Smack them around a little.Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule 8:? Women and grandparents love babies.Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule 9:? Siblings exist for your amusementYour brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though.Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule 10:? No private time.This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!?
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.You have the power!-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Bill Murray talks about working with Pete Davidson on Riff Raff, being one of the original cast members on Saturday Night Live ahead of the show's 50th anniversary and whether or not he'd host SNL again.?
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
Shortages and the sky-high cost of the new weight loss drugs has led to an explosion of compounded alternatives sold online, through telehealth sites and in compounding pharmacies. Unfortunately, most of these products haven't been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration for safety, effectiveness, or quality. A new study in JAMA found that more than 40% of 317 websites that were selling semaglutide (Wegovy, Ozempic) without a prescription belonged to illegal pharmacy operations. Use of ...
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DEAR ABBY: My brother just got engaged to the "WOAT" (Worst of All Time). They have been dating for 2 1/2 years, and nobody in the family has anything good to say about her. In the past, he always had stable relationships with girls we really enjoyed. But now he's getting older, his friends are getting engaged and it seems like he's settling and feeling pressure. They are always arguing, and things he never did before he is doing now -- multiple job changes, making less time for family, etc. Everyone thinks that, as the oldest brother, I should be the one to voice our concerns about her. Would it be too drastic to tell him it's a bad idea? I was going to say I support him if he can find three redeeming qualities in her because none of us can find one. -- NO FAN OF HER IN THE EAST DEAR NO FAN: I do not think telling your recently engaged brother that his fiancee is the "worst of all time" and no one in the family can find any redeeming qualities in her would be welcomed. I do think, however, that as the oldest sibling you could point out that you are concerned because he and this woman argue a lot, which is why you are suggesting they seek premarital counseling to head off any problems down the line. Then cross your fingers that he follows through.
DEAR ABBY: Even though we live just an hour away and would like to celebrate holidays with my elderly parents, they prefer to spend them with their friends. This started when my family lived 14 hours away. We'd come home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas each year. If we weren't home, my parents got together with a group of childless buddies. This worked out great -- they weren't alone, and I didn't feel guilty. We moved back home three years ago, primarily to be near family again. However, my parents spend all the major holidays with their buddies, even if my family is home alone. Then my mom asks me to host an alternate holiday so the family can get together. Last year, I tried to talk it through with her. I said it was hurtful that she chose to spend holidays with her friends and asked her to consider family plans first. But she was soon up to her old tricks. I'm 53, but I still want my mom and dad. What should I do? -- NEEDY IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR NEEDY: Because "talking it through" with your mother hasn't worked, it's time for you to start making other plans for the major holidays. You are only as home alone as you want to be. You and your husband could travel or join a local group and do some volunteering for those less fortunate than you in your community. It's time to take a page out of your mother's playbook and do what she did, which is to declare some independence from her. |
