Bert, a charge nurse is doing his rounds in a mental health facility. He hears some maniacal giggling coming from behind a closed door and opens it to investigate. He sees Joe, renowned for his antics, suspended in mid-air by a rope. The top end is fastened securely to a fitting on the ceiling 10 feet up and the other end is tied around his waist. He calls to Joe,
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Hanging,” replies Joe, with a laugh.
“Oh, really? You're supposed to put the rope around your neck.”
Joe laughs. “Oh, Bert! Don't be silly. If Joe did that he would choke to death.”
--?Dinos Constantinou
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A Speech Funny
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled.? "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
>>>Today's Thot
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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School Bus
It was an emotional day for me when my six-year-old twins headed off for their first day of school. Four-year-old Andrew and I accompanied them to the corner to wait for the bus.
When it arrived and the boys climbed on and waved good-bye, I could no longer hold back my tears.
"Don't cry, Mommy," said Andrew reassuringly. "Maybe one day you'll get to ride in a school bus too!"
Received from Da Mouse Tracks via GCFL.
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Today's One-Liner
I am now "take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it" years old.
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Clint the Termite Pun
I just got myself a pet termite and named him Clint. Clint Eats Wood.
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Country Boys
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse.? They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods.? They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to punish the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats.? Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
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Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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Thought Of The Day:??Every Strike
"Every strike brings me closer to a home run." -- Babe Ruth
Received from aJokeADay.com
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One of Trump’s newly appointed advisors was in the Oval Office with him and asked:??“Mr. President, sir, so how are you liking your new Cabinet?
He scratched his head, looked bewildered and didn’t answer.??Then, after the advisor left, Trump was seen aimlessly wandering the halls of the White House for hours, visibly disturbed.
The next day, still very upset, he called the advisor and said:??“I looked everywhere and I can’t find that cabinet. Where is it?”
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Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
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A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
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Momentous Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer.??At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.?
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes.?
She nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Submitted by Marion, Haverford, PA.
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Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper???He had his own frog horn!
Where do you get frogs eggs???At the spawn shop!
What's a toads favorite sweet???Lollihops!
What do you call a frog spy???A croak and dagger agent!
How did the toad die???He simply croaked!
Where do toads leave their hats and coats???In the croakroom!
What do you say if you meet a toad???“Wart’s new?”
What did the frog say about his favourite book???Reddit, reddit, reddit.
How do frogs share secrets???Through Morse Toad.
How deep can a frog go? Knee-deep Knee-deep
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I have two sisters. Our mother passed away last year after a bad fall. I was her primary caretaker and was with her every day. The other two sisters were not speaking to her at all, which hurt her deeply. She had dementia but still missed them and would talk about them often. It was all very sad. When Mom died, my older sister wouldn't tell her goodbye. She didn't attend the funeral and said to everyone who would listen that she wasn't sad. My younger sister arrived -- late -- for the funeral. Afterward, they attacked me -- screaming, cursing, etc. They were angry over small things, like the fact that I used my older sister's maiden name in a DRAFT of Mom's obituary. I cut them off and have stopped speaking to them and to the rest of the family. I want no details about my life getting back to them, giving them reason to attack me again. The problem is that my entire family is now gone. I am so sad. Not only did I lose my mother, but everyone else as well. Should I approach them? -- WORSE THAN GRIEF IN GEORGIA DEAR WORSE: I would advise against approaching your sisters again, for the reasons you stated. If you wish to contact extended family, reach out with the understanding that anything you tell them will likely drift back to your sisters. Because your siblings are so unpleasant, it may make more sense for you to concentrate your energies on deepening the friendships you have with others.
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with "Ted" for a little over a year. We spend a lot of time together -- nearly every day. I spend time at his house, and we often go to the park or go out to eat together. I finally noticed after all this time that he has never asked to become friends on Facebook, although I've hinted about it to him a few times. Yesterday, we were both a few glasses of sangria in when he began showing me photos from his Facebook page. When I asked him why we weren't Facebook friends, he changed the subject. When I told him it hurts my feelings that he doesn't want to be Facebook friends, he got angry and wouldn't acknowledge my question. The evening was over after that. This isn't the first time I've expressed concern over something, and it's also not the first time he has refused to acknowledge my feelings over something like this. What should I do? -- LIMITED FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY DEAR LIMITED FRIEND: I don't know why Ted prefers to hide his Facebook content and neither do you. People have a right to some privacy. If the only glimpses of his FB are those he shares with you on his phone, there may be images there that he prefers you not see. This would also explain why he is adamant about not discussing it. What you need to do now is decide how important this issue is to you and act accordingly. |
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