Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for March 4, 2023
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 4, 2023? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Velcro wall is a dream.??I'll pursue it In my man-cave.??My wife will pooh-pooh it. ????????????She is thinking that I'll ????????????Give up after a while. She will be surprised.??I?will?stick?to?it. ? Erika, Lee, Dick, Jim, Bill, Carol, Conrad, Grover, Chris got it.? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. ? The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate type-O's. ? Fans couldn't get soda pop during the doubleheader because the home team lost the opener. ? An auctioneer often looks forbidding. ? Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibilities of a unique teaching position. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......"Get out of my kitchen" she said, "they're for the funeral." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. Father Rafferty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" Father Rafferty asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle." The best of Aubrey Plaza (David Letterman) _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  SnugglesAfter I tucked my six-year-old daughter into bed, she asked if she could sleep with Snuggles, my special teddy bear, because she was just a little scared. ----- Birthday TVMy sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used large screen TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Five Toughest Questions that Men Have to Answer The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly. For example: 1) "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a) Baseball b) Football c) How fat you are. d) How much prettier she is than you. e) How he would spend the insurance money if you died. (The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."  The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2) "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a) I suppose so. b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c) That depends on what you mean by "love". d) Does it matter? e) Who, me? 3) "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a) I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b) Compared to what? c) A little extra weight looks good on you. d) I've seen fatter. e) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a) Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b) I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c) Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d) Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5) "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed." As seen at? ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----The always delightful and unusual Aubrey talks about having a stroke, "Parks & Rec" and more. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________During a terrible snowstorm a St. Bernard was sent out with his usual keg of brandy to find a lost hiker. ----- Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Either Way, You're Right "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." -- Henry Ford _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Communication Joke ¡°Well, Mrs. O¡¯Connor, so you want a »å¾±±¹´Ç°ù³¦±ð?¡± the solicitor questioned
New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely Neighbor 1: So what is it you do for a living? New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, what is that? New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog Neighbor 1: That is right. New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce Neighbor 1: Right again. New Neighbor: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a Neighbor 1: Correct. New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you Neighbor 1: Yup. New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning. Neighbor 1: Cool. Later that day: Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy? Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job. Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah what does he do? Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that? Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog Neighbor 2: No. Neighbor 1: Fag. ¡..
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