The cannibal's cookbook titled "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man" was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
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At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me.
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The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
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It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face.
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Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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Pastor Tim
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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Today's One-Liner
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
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Quote of the Day
"Do what makes you happy, because when you die, your job will be posted before your obituary."
- Unknown
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Antsy Antics
Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants
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This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business.?It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers!
Today's video share is of a 3 year-old violinist:?it was just too cute to not share!
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Vicar's Surprise
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business.?It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers!
Mistaken Identity
A true story from Pastor Tim...One year, at the annual summer day?camp Westside Bible Church runs, we had a set of identical twin brothers enrolled. They were 6 years old and very, very identical. At the end of each day's schedule, all of the day camp children would gather together in our main hall and watch a slide show of pictures taken during the various activities of the day. As they watched, the children would point out individuals they recognized in the photos. On one of those days, when one of the twins was recognized, a number of children pointed to him and said, "That's you!" Apparently it wasn't, because he replied loudly in protest, "No, that's not me. That's the other me!"
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?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Received from Pastor Tim?
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Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price. -----
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits ... and their bulging stomachs.
Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to." ----- Thought Of The Day:??Some Deserve It “Some say patience is a virtue," his voice echoed back to me.
"Some deserve a punch in the face," I muttered, but I fell silent.
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire |
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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I Differentiate You!
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.
Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the?x."
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Blondes Fishing
These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish they catch. One says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."?
The other blonde says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
Received from Daily Clean Jokes.
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Enjoy These Groaners
This is a groaner tribute to my late husband John. He remembered every pun and would quote them at will. Sometimes they were instant groaners, and other times the groans would sneak up on you moments later. Some say that a pun is the lowest form of humor, others say to pun is human... to heir divine! Of course, seven days without a pun makes one weak and a pun is its own reword!
- A backwards poet writes inverse.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- In parking lots, arguments often start from scratch.
- A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
- Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
- Tires are fixed for a flat rate.
- What you seize is what you get.
- Some children think that their parents are all no-ing.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.
- A piano falling down a mine shaft will give you A-flat minor.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de-feat.
- She is the Queen of De-Nile!
- SharLeigh
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