Daily Clean Jokes for March 16, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 16, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Clean Limerick? ?? ? To Las Vegas, casinos entice The old man with his big gambling vice. ????????????Though he wanted to go, ????????????I suppose that you know That his wife told her husband, "No?dice!" ? Jim, Conrad, Erika, Dickhead, Bill, Lars, Carol, Grover, Lee, Chris got it. ?
?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quotes of the Day:? What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.?--?Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be?dangerous to offer me the position.?-- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.?--?Joe Namath
? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liners:?? Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Kirk's Puns of the Day for March:? ? What do you call a group of cars sitting in a parking lot with their engines running on March 15? ????The idles of March ? Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession.??Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted.??One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole.??It was noted that BEA WEARS THE HIDES OF MARJ. ? Two parents were discussing the relative merits of playground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees.??Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides."??Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!" ? Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into apiculture.??He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of his friends.??Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar, went to visit him in his apiary one spring day, but was unable to locate the bee colonies.??He did, however, encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a nearby flower, so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where are the hives of March?" ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?Not so Nice Yo momma so fat, you can throw a rock in any direction and still hit her. Your momma so fat that wherever she sits in a room she is sitting next to you.. When she sits around the house she really sits AROUND the house Can we stop making fun of fat people, please? They have enough on their plate already. ? Received from Accomplished Pen. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? How to Give Your Cat a Pill I.? Grasp cat firmly in your arms.? Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2.? Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under the sofa. 3.? Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm.? Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4.? Retrieve cat from under the bed.? Get new pill from bottle.? (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5.? Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in the bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in quickly.? Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well. 6.? Leave cat hanging on the drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7.? If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 8.? Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1. say sternly, "Who the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and Oooops! 9.? This isn't working is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 10.? Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 11.? Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 12.? Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13.? Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.) 14.? Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 15.? Resume position. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the pedals on a snap dragon. 16.? Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila!? It's done. 17.? Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18.? Take two aspirins and lie down. ----- Well, well, well, if it isn't the bridge I said I'd cross when I came to it. ? ?----- Microscope vs. Telescope What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope? They kaleidoscope. ----- "On particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good." - Unknown ----- Lazarus, Come Out!
Received from Pastor Tim's The Cybersalt Digest. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Annual Checkup ? My doctor told me I was obese.?I got defensive and told him, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese ...... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity?runs?in my family." Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family." ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bar Competition The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice: - "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: - "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" The man replied: - "I work for the IRS" !!!!     ----- Did You Ever Wonder? 1.? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2.? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3.? Why do we say something is out of whack?? What's a whack? 4.? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5.? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6.? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7.? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 8.? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9.? Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10.? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? ----- Classified Bloopers, Not Just for Church Bullentins Anymore It’s not just church bulletins that contain those pesky typos. Here are some bloopers that appeared in the classified ads of local newspapers: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Dog for Sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Mother’s helper: peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com---- Mel has the audience in hysterics as he performs his hilarious Frank Sinatra impression! ---- Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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