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Daily Clean Jokes for April 12, 2024 Today's Clean Limericks Import taxes are being applied. Many people are dissatisfied. They are nervous and scared; Their stress levels have flared. It is obvious they're tariff-ied. Carol, Lee, Jim, Chris, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Trout's Injuries More Bad Luck: Mike Trout Crushed By Falling Piano Sports·Apr 3, 2025 · BabylonBee.com ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: A neutrino walks into the bar and orders a scotch. When the drink arrives, he takes one sip and collapses in a drunken stupor. A neutron looks down on the neutrino disdainfully and says, "Lightweight!" A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." In all fairness to the salesman, he didn't lie to me about the brakes. He said, "You'll love this car. There's no stopping it." Did you hear about the professional bowler who wanted to strike it rich in his spare time? He exp-laned that bowling was right up his alley. David Beckham, the famous English soccer player, was teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer. After a while, Romeo asked his dad what number he should have on his uniform when he starts playing for a team. David replied, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Mouse Funny Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing. "What's that?" asks the other mouse. "Let me see..." says the first. "Ah, yes. It's from 'Gone With the Wind.' " "Is it good?" asks the second. "Not so great," replies the first. "The book was better." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button. ----- Rather "Tardy" Wouldn't You Say? APRIL FOOLS' DAY GROANERS ... Say what? That was almost two weeks ago ... Q: Wanna hear an April Fools' Day joke about paper? A: Never mind, it's tearable. Q: Did you hear the story about the guy who switched the labels on the pumps at the gas station? A: It was an April Fuels' joke. Q: What's the difference between Christmas and April 1? A: One's all about yule and the other is all about fools. Q: How do you start a tough conversation on April 1? A: "If I may speak prankly." Q: What did Elvis say on April 1? A: Prank you, prank you very much. Q: Why don't science teachers trust atoms? A: Because they make up everything. Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they've just finished a 31-day March! Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with April 1? A: April Ghoul's Day! Q: What's the best day for monkey business? A: The first of Ape-ril! Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day? A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful! Q: What monster plays the most April Fools' Day jokes? A: Prankenstein! >>>Today's Thot Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious. ----- A "Composer" Funny SUNDAY COMPOSERS By Dr. Michael A. Halleen "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. . . . (Let us) use it in proportion to (our) faith." (Romans 12:6) Alexander Borodin was a nineteenth century Russian composer, a member of "The Mighty Handful," a group of that nation's five leading composers dedicated to producing a distinctly Russian music. His opera, Prince Igor, is thought by some to have been his most significant work. Borodin, however, always considered himself no more than a part-time musician—a "Sunday composer," as he called himself. His training and

Daily Clean Jokes for April 11, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Rope gets tangled once more; what a pain. All the woman's attempts are in vain. So she tries not to cuss, Which would make a big fuss, And instead she exclaims, "Knot again!" Lee, Conrad, Carol, Chris, Bill, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A cow that can milk itself, juggle and text at the same time! -- Conrad Macina ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Towels can't tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I work at a laundromat ... Sure it's loads of fun working there but I think it's run its cycle for me. I just hope it won't be a stain on my resume. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Life Funny Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life." >>>Today's Thot If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there's more manure. ----- This one is arriving very, very late and without an excuse: APRIL FOOLS DAY FUNNIES Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good April Fools' joke? I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fools' Day, but you didn't like it. What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April 1st? On Thanksgiving, you're grateful and on April 1st, you're prankful. Why were the monkeys pranking each other? It was the first of Ape-ril! Wanna hear an April Fools' Day joke about paper? Never mind擁t's tearable. What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. Why do hard-boiled eggs love April Fools'? They enjoy practical yolks. Why don't eggs tell April Fools' jokes? They'd crack each other up. I was going to tell you a pizza joke for April Fools' Day, but it was too cheesy. Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice April Fools' joke get any worse? >>>Today's Thot Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they've just finished a 31-day March! Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lawyer's Dog A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150. Received from Joke du Jour ----- Airport Play Set A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly - which was actually a lot of assembly - was required, her father spent much of the evening putting together the plane, control tower, ru

Daily Clean Jokes for April 10, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Before airlines make changes, they try Pilot projects. Will things go awry? And the reason they do All this testing for you: Just to see if the changes will fly. Conrad, Lee, Chris, Erika, Jim, Bill, Grover got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Procrastination is a dish best served eventually." - Unknown ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Fun fact: Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Mouse Funny Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing. "What's that?" asks the other mouse. "Let me see..." says the first. "Ah, yes. It's from 'Gone With the Wind.' " "Is it good?" asks the second. "Not so great," replies the first. "The book was better." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pronunciation A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough." Received from Clean Laffs -----Hat Removal A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat." Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grandpa and the Computer The computer swallowed Grandpa Yes honestly, its true. He pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It's devoured him completely The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe he's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the internet But nothing could I find. I asked Jeeves in desperation My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online. So, if someday in your 'Inbox' My Grandpa you should see. Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him In an e-mail back to me. ----- Virginia Earthquake The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington, D.C. The cause appears to be the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves. ----- A Writer's Regrets I wrote a book on penguins. Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper ----- Speeding Ticket Turns into a Crime Spree Confession?! Buckle Up for Laughs A police: officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exc

Daily Clean Jokes for April 9, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The last line has a well-known cliché That contains, as expected, wordplay. In heaven's football games, They're finding many names Of some quarterbacks who passed away. Jim, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard famously said, “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. -- Mark Twain It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. -- Ellen DeGeneres Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. -- Elizabeth Foley ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Two friends took ropes to school so that they could skip out. When you use glue in class, it paste to be careful. A teacher having a tough time longs for the end of the school daze. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pious Old Man A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore? "The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" Received from Beliefnet.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," the woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Bermiece B. Phillips _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No Kidding In his sermon at the ordination service of an associate minister, our pastor reminded our new shepherd that preaching is central both to her work as a minister of the Word and to the life of the church. He compared the c

Daily Clean Jokes for Tuesday, April 8, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 Which translates to: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared and not a bit more. (John Saxon) Quote of the Day: They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. -- Gracie Allen Today's One-Liner: Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle. I teach computer classes, and my students often call me at home with questions. One morning I was on the phone, explaining in computer language the solution to a problem, while a repairman was fixing my refrigerator. After an endless stream of "C colon, backslash, greater than, CD, backslash, DOS, C colon" and so on, I hung up and found the repairman staring at me. "Lady," he asked, "are you a spy?" Submitted to Reader's Digest by Leonie Hartz Quick Joke The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle. At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle. Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs "Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids watching who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game." -- Jimmy Kimmel "The Oxford Dictionary has named 'selfie' the word of the year, narrowly beating out 'twerk.' In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday. They'll put it in the ground." -- Conan O'Brien "Butterball, the country's largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- THE MODERN TOOLBOX: Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $24," said the clerk. "This is insa

Daily Clean Jokes for April 7, 2025 Didn't know how he ought to begin Losing weight, really wants to be thin. He has just lost a pound, So is going around And he's sporting a real big fat grin. --- On car radio when Dad was stressed, Certain stations he often expressed Had a format that he Could enjoy. I could see That pop music was what he liked best. Bill got it. Kirk Millerhttps://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane. My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how to feel about it! _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Pope’s Surprise Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008 This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is... Operator Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number? Customer Hi, I'd like to place an order. Operator I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610. Operator Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Your email address is http//usf418mail@... ym/Compose?To=sheehan@... Which number are you calling from sir? Customer Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information? Operator We're wired into the HSS, sir. Customer The HSS, what is that? Operator We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer

Daily Clean Jokes for April 6, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Boxer lost six straight bouts. Filled with wrath, He is pondering the aftermath. He decides that hiking Should be to his liking, So he'll be off of the beaten path. Jim, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Dick, got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -- Mark Twain Smoking can kill you. And if you've been killed you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away. -- Stephen Hawking If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. -- Reese Witherspoon And now the sequence of events, in no particular order. -- Dan Rather ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I don’t have commitment issues, I run marathons! Completed my first marathon … of TV show episodes! My love for chocolate is a marathon; it never ends. After 10 marathons, I finally found my sole purpose! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Vote Funny The new pastor at a country church had some exciting ideas for the future. At the elders meeting he presented his vision with great energy and passion. The senior elder then called for a vote. All 12 elders voted "NAY"; only the pastor voted "AYE." The pastor was crestfallen, but just at that moment the clouds darkened, thunder rolled, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the elders to the ground. As they all got up and dusted themselves off the senior elder said, "Well, that's twelve votes to two then." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot Beware of a new Amazon scam. My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry but motorcycle parts came instead! Thankfully, they fit his bike. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Very Fancy Party A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?" Received from Steve Sanderson.via GCFL. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 3, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The astronomy course was by far The one class I did better than par. When it came to the skies, I was really quite wise And the teacher said I was the star. Carol, Jim, Lars, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ B.O.O.K. Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software: B.O.O.K. BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most efficient interface yet developed! And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet! BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it! BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed! Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ... any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer! A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years! Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used. You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions. Life is short. Information is dear. Forget the Internet. When deciding to access information, think BOOK. ----- Today's One-Liner My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "Is it because of your hair?" - so now I'm crying for two reasons. ----- Quote of the Day "It's easier to fool people than it is to convince them they've been fooled." - Mark Twain ----- Gas Station Arrest I stopped at the gas station to get a bottle of water. As I was pulling up, I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid, crazy, or both?" especially with the police standing right there! However, I minded my own business and went inside to get my drink. As I was paying for my water, I heard someone screaming! It sounded like violent death screams! I looked outside and saw that the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around, and going nuts! When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground, and they were putting the fire out. Then, they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car. I was thinking, "Arrested? Shoul

Daily Clean Jokes for April 5, 2025 * Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. * The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. * Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. * One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. * Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. * Due to a slight mix-up with pills on the kitchen counter, my husband will be heartworm-free for the next 30 days. * "The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'" - Jack Handy _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man from Poland goes to the optometrist who shows him a card with the letters: "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z." "Can you read this?" the optometrist asks. "Read it?" He replies, "I know the guy!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "My wife is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby, I asked my four-year-old niece, Justina, "What do you want, a baby brother or a baby sister?" "Aunt Donna," she chided, "sometimes you just gots to take what God gives ya." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway in the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox. As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 'Golf does strange things to other people, too. It makes liars out of honest men, cheats out of altruists, cowards out of brave men, and fools out of everybody.' -- Milton Gross _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; what does is the realization that he's married to a grandmother. __________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 4, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks I asked sketch artist when she'd begin On my portrait. She said with a grin: An appointment you should Make with me so I could Check my schedule and pencil you in. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Chris, Dickhead, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Good news about volunteering https://tinyurl.com/goodkindness ----- https://www.wimp.com/take-a-ride-on-knex-roller-coaster/ Received from Kirk Miller. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. -- C.S. Lewis ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on our birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A Healthy Dose of Punning "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now." Apart from the initial shock and subsequent giggle, this pun gets you thinking about perspectives again. It's all about how you look at things. Even in the worst scenarios, there's always a way to lighten the mood and find the positive. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SUNDAY COMPOSERS By Dr. Michael A. Halleen "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. . . . (Let us) use it in proportion to (our) faith." (Romans 12:6) Alexander Borodin was a nineteenth century Russian composer, a member of "The Mighty Handful," a group of that nation's five leading composers dedicated to producing a distinctly Russian music. His opera, Prince Igor, is thought by some to have been his most significant work. Borodin, however, always considered himself no more than a part-time musician—a "Sunday composer," as he called himself. His training and professional career were in organic chemistry. He worked as a researcher in that field, writing scholarly articles and delivering lectures in Russian universities and throughout Western Europe. But on weekends, as a hobby, he wrote string quartets and symphonic poems—and Prince Igor. It's that music that became his legacy to the world. Likewise . . . - Socrates was a stonemason who made a good honest, living. But he was a curious man, and in his off hours he asked questions and challenged people to think. Today he's remembered as the founder of Western philosophical thought. - Alexander Graham Bell was a teacher whose wife was nearly deaf, and at least in part as an effort to assist her to hear better, he invented the telephone. What started as weekend tinkering to solve a domestic communication problem revolutionized communication for all. - The Wright brothers built bicycles in Ohio, but when business was slow they fiddled around with the idea of flying. It was just a sideline. Then came that December day in Kitty Hawk, and the Wrights would forever be associated with flight. - Jimmy Carter was, in many ways, an undistinguished, garden-variety U.S. president. Since leaving office, however, he has achieved greatness in still another career as an international diplomat and humanitarian. The gifts that lie within many are too great to be confined to a single avenue of expression. The interests that drive some spirits are too varied and rich to be satisfied with punching the same clock for forty years. And, for a certainty, the needs of the world go well

Daily Clean Jokes for April 8, 2024 Kirk's Clean Limerick Punsters' loneliness likely does stem From remarks that they make which condemn All their wordplay. It's marred, And the puns make it hard Finding people to go outwit them. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My mom and dad had 6 photos of me from 1993 and I have 235 photos of my cat from 7 - 7:05 this morning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers. The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights. My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Life Funny Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life." >>>Today's Thot If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there's more manure. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ True or False? Guess which of the following statements are True or False. Answers below, but no peeking! 1. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately two teeth every ten years. 2. Babies are born with cartilage in place of kneecaps, which gradually hardens into bone between ages 2-6. 3. The first bristle toothbrush (made with animal hair) was invented in China in 1498. 4. A housefly's lifespan is typically 15-30 days, depending on conditions. 5. Approximately forty thousand Americans are injured by toilets each year. 6. While this depends on the specific hanger, a standard wire coat hanger straightened out is roughly 44 inches long. 7. Studies show that people blink significantly less (around 7-10 times per minute) while using screens, compared to the normal rate of 15-20 blinks per minute. 8. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 9. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". 10. In many commercials, milk is replaced with white paint, glue, or other substances to make it look more visually appealing and prevent it from spoiling under studio lights. 11. As a precautionary measure, senior British royals, including King Charles and Prince William, typically do not travel together to ensure continuity of the monarchy in case of a fatal accident. However, exceptions have been made. 12. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. ANSWERS BELOW: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE. Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Happy Eggs One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Ba

Daily Clean Jokes for April 1, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks On his six shooters, cowboy put tons Of thick glue, and admonished his sons That they shouldn't waver On main points; be braver. Be like me and just stick to your guns. Lee, Carol, Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Grover, Lars, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The man who said his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -- Oscar Wilde ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: I went into a pun shop the other day looking for a timepiece. The clock asked, "May I help you?" "Thank you," I replied, "but I'm just came to watch. I've had a little time on my hands lately but I think I'm going to need something a little larger." "Here's a nice stop watch," said the owner. "I think I'd rather have one that's working please," I declined. "Here's a nice second hand Rolex," said the owner. "I'm going to need minutes and hours as well," says I. "How about this battery powered model? It will help you unwind" he offered. "I don't think I can spring for that one," I speculated. "How about a novelty watch? Here's one that's built into a pair of handcuffs," he proudly boasted. "Oh, arrest watch!" I said. "I'll take it!" And now I'm serving time. By Gary Hallock va Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Another Time Funny I was teaching my Grade 1 class to tell time using a conventional analog clock. "We'll be learning about the hour hand and the minute hand," I explained. One of the students interrupted and said, "I don't need to learn on that kind of clock. My dad bought me this digital watch, and right now it's ten minutes to 38." >>>Today's Thot Despite what some people think, since the world is 71% water that is NOT carbonated, one could accurately say that it's technically flat. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Key to 60 Years of Marriage A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all of the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision." Received from Timothy Anger via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Me: "When I have alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels." Wife: "Why?" Careful, your next vowel movement could spell disaster. Not with only vowels; it can’t spell disaster! If he took a laxative, he could letter rip. Careful. You may end up inconsonant. When I was a kid my mom fed me alphabet soup & she said I liked it …. I think she was just putting words in my mouth!! Rec

Daily Clean Jokes for March 31, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick Man did something that was rather dumb: Hit his head on a doorway; it's numb. To get what he was due, Man decided to sue And he settled for a big lump sum. Conrad and Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Pun of the Day: Hyena tree was a sign saying there was a gnu restaurant at the zoo. I called the gorilla my dreams, the one I have strong felines for, and invited heron her sister to gopher lunch. The restaurant was on the other side of town so we got into macaw to go there. The traffic was light so the driving was not aardvark and before we newt we were there. After we arrived and were seated, the waiter turned tortoise and said, "We have a new cuckoo can prepare anything. Just tell us what you want. I replied, "Rhino what I want. Iguana have a hot dog with mastodon it." Then the gorilla my dreams toad me, "Ewe must be kitten me. Vulture up to? If you want a hot dog, alpaca picnic lunch for you. This is a nice restaurant, and you should otter something else." Amoeba dense but I am not hard of herring and I can take a hint. I decided to do the rat thing. I assumed the waiter was not telling lice about the cook, and although I haddock before, I ordered the same thing as the gorilla my dreams. I did it on porpoise. After all, I thought, toucan order the same dish. I would be lion if I said the lunch was a turtle success. The food was good, but I was in the doghouse for my behavior. Actually it is only a myna problem. Next week I am going to salmon up my courage to take another tern at dining out. That's probably enough for today, eh? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.." -- Theodore Roosevelt. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER 01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 03. No one expects you to run...anywhere. 04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 07. Things you buy now won't wear out. 08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 09. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. >>>Today's Thot I'm as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Navy Way A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir

Daily Clean Jokes for March 30, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks When you're teaching recruits how to schlep In a marching formation, the prep That all drill sergeants know That is best: Take it slow. Do not hurry; just go step by step. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. - Thomas Sowell "It's tax time coming. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink." -- Dave Barry ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: The only squat I'm doin' is Diddly! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Pun: While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that? " she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once. “ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mice Jokes 0. What do we call a wireless mouse? Hamster. 1. What will happen if you can make mice dance to your tunes? You will have a mice-tro. 2. What is a mysterious mouse with a hidden identity known as? An anony-mouse. 3. Why was the mouse laughing so hard at the mice joke? Because he was a-moused. 4. Why did the mouse get arrested? He was caught stealing mouse-tard. 5. How did the mice in the house communicate when the homeowner got a cat? The mice communicated by using Mouse Code of dots, dashes, and squeaks. 6. Why was the mouse thrown out of the exam hall when the exam was in process? Because he was cheesing. 7. Why does Edward Scissorhands dislike using a computer mouse? He always uses the shortcut keys. 8. How can you make a drowning mouse recover after saving him? By using the mouse to mouse resuscitation. 9. Why did the mouse scream when he broke his tooth? Because he ate some hard cheese. 10. Where do most posh and rich mice go to when they need a hotel room? The Stilton. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kissing Son I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was in the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks. "Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked. "I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair." ----- Train Good News A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer though

Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Prison warden decides to pre-empt Belly dancers before they attempt To do entertainment For the convicts, which meant That the dancers were charged with con-tempt. Jim, Lee, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The only way to do great work is to love what you do." - Steve Jobs. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A WOOL FUNNY The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?" [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don't allow that in bowling. I know that now. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" ----- A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Will you tell me a joke? A young man joined the army. On the first day of Basic Training, the DI told the new recruits “Due to budget cuts, we cannot afford to give you a rifle. Instead, we’ll give you a stick. You are to point your stick at the target and yell ‘BANGITY-BANG!’” So that’s what they did all day. BANGITY-BANG! BANGITY-BANG! The next day the DI told them: “We also cannot afford bayonets, so you will duct tape this plastic fork to the end of your stick, then you will run up to the target and yell ‘STABBITY-STAB!’” So that’s what they did all day. STABBITY-STAB! STABBITY-STAB! Unfortunately, on the next day, war broke out. Fortunately, both sides were similarly afflict

Daily Clean Jokes for March 28, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Puns are quite universal; it's true. They're not targeted for just a few. Puns are told near and far 'Round the world 'cause they are Meant for children and for groan-ups, too. Conrad, Bill, Erika, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ----- Puns Kirk is playing a game of catch-up with his love interest, using various idioms and physical gestures to express his affection, while also considering a practical joke. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. · Groucho Marx I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. · Will Rogers. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Frog "Funny" Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began but no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!" The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. He just wouldn't give up! At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal. It turned out that the winner was deaf. >>>Today's Thot Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible.' Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tim Allen Quotes Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together. Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot." A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Man is the only animal to borrow tools. Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction! They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A t

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Daily Clean Jokes for March 26, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limerick of the Day Long term contracts the wait staff condemn. The café makes them sign, so mayhem They do hope to avoid And they won't be annoyed, 'Cause the waiters will not dessert them. Carol got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Puns I know a woman who owned a taser; man was she stunning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Excuse Funny John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!" ----- I got myself a Senior GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry Pratchett Quotes When you look into the abyss, it's not supposed to wave back. Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall the universe and reboot. It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. In the beginning, there was nothing--which exploded. Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order because it is better organized. He's out of his depth on a wet pavement. Just because things are obvious doesn't mean they're true. Two types of people laugh at the law: those who break it and those who make it. It is often said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. This is, in fact, true--it's called living. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. Adventure! People talk about the idea as if it were something worthwhile rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep, and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects into bits of you. There is always time for another last minute. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side “Look, a flock of cows!!” “Herd of cows,” “Yeah, I have; there’s a flock of them over there.” ----- A priest, an imam, and a rabbit are donating blood. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo” Received from Reddit Clean. _____________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 25, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Clumsy man had a bad transgression, And the source of his indiscretion Is he tripped and then fell In wet concrete. I tell Folks the man left a bad impression. Carol, Conrad, Bill, Dickhead, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today’s Clean Pun: The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands. Quote of the Day: Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags. Today’s One-Liner: The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you. Daily Trivia Since today is Veteran's Day let's take a look at some interesting military facts. Today's Random Fact: The rockets mentioned in "The Star Spangled Banner" were less effective than bombs. They had a shorter range and were so inaccurate that they had to be abandoned as weapons after the War of 1812. Not until World War II did rockets become important again. Bonus Fact: The Pentagon is the world's largest office building, a city in itself. With an area of 6,500,00 square feet the Pentagon has a Main Street lined with shops, restaurants and its own post office. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Paddy Funny Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." >>>Today's Thot Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Real rocks are too heavy. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Enlistment Questions Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Someone Who Understands Bob Weber, past president of Kiwanis International, told this story. He had spoken to a club in a small town and was spending the night with a farmer on the outskirts of the community. He had just relaxed on the front porch when a newsboy delivered the evening paper. The boy noted the sign "Puppies for Sale". The boy got off his bike and said to the farmer, "How much do you want for the pups, mister?" "Twenty-five dollars, son." The boy's face dropped. "Well, sir, could I at least see them anyway?" The farmer whistled, and in a moment the mother dog came bounding around the corner of the house tagged by four of the cute puppies, wagging their tails and yipping happily. At last, another pup came straggling around the house, dragging one hind leg. "What's the matter with that puppy, mister?" the boy asked. "Well, Son, that puppy is crippled. We took her to the vet and the doctor took an X ray. The pup doesn't have a hip joint and that leg will never be right." To the amazement of both men, the boy dropped the bike, reached for his collection bag and took out a fifty-cent piece. "Please, mister," the boy pleaded,

Daily Clean Jokes for March 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "From his office, my dentist has been On vacation," I said with a grin. "So my cavity's not Fixed by him, who I sought, But by someone who's just filling in." Conrad, Jim, Bill, Carol, Dickhead, Grover, Chris got it. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons. I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on. The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.” ----- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time. ----- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Child sent to bed A small boy is sent to bed by his father ... [Five minutes later] "Da-ad ..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad ..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY .. .Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD ..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" ----- Guests for dinner The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!" ----- Things mom taught me ... My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOUR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favourite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then y