Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for Tuesday, April 8, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for Tuesday, April 8, 2025 Today's Clean Pun:??((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 ? Which translates to: ? A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared and not a bit more. ? (John Saxon) ? ? Quote of the Day:??They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.?-- Gracie Allen ? ? Today's One-Liner:??Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle. ? ? I teach computer classes, and my students often call me at home with questions. One morning I was on the phone, explaining in computer language the solution to a problem, while a repairman was fixing my refrigerator. After an endless stream of "C colon, backslash, greater than, CD, backslash, DOS, C colon" and so on, I hung up and found the repairman staring at me. "Lady," he asked, "are you a spy?" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Leonie Hartz ? ? Quick Joke ? The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. ? When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. ? When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle. ? At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle. ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? Clean Laffs ? "Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids watching who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game."?-- Jimmy Kimmel ? "The Oxford Dictionary has named 'selfie' the word of the year, narrowly beating out 'twerk.' In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday. They'll put it in the ground."?-- Conan O'Brien ? "Butterball, the country's largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? ----- ? THE MODERN TOOLBOX: ? Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. ? Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. ? Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. ? Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. ? Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. ? Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. ? Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. ? Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. ? Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. ? Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. ? Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. ? Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice. ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. ? "You'll get $24," said the clerk. ? "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check. ? "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course." ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Robbie's Move ? Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. ? "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us." ? Received from George via GCFL ? ? Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. ? "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said??one engineer, "but we don't have a ladder." ? The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. ? One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us??the length!" ? Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress. ? Sent by Brian Cowan via Monday's Fodder ? ? WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: ? Life is simpler for men. ? Your last name stays put. ? The garage is all yours. ? Wedding plans take care of themselves. ? Chocolate is just another snack. ? You can be President. ? You can never be pregnant. ? You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. ? You can wear NO shirt to a water park. ? Car mechanics tell you the truth. ? The world is your urinal. ? You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. ? You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. ? Same work, more pay. ? Wrinkles add character. ? Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. ? People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. ? New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. ? One mood all the time. ? Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ? You know stuff about tanks. ? A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. ? You can open all your own jars. ? You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. ? If someone forgets to invite you, ? He or she can still be your friend. ? Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. ? Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. ? You almost never have strap problems in public. ? You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. ? Everything on your face stays its original color.. ? The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. ? You only have to shave your face and neck. ? You can play with toys all your life. ? One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. ? You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. ? You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. ? You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. ? You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives ? On December 24 in 25 minutes. ? No wonder men are happier. ? Received from Blue Sky ? ? While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose.??Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. "If you smell gas," I said, "it's me." ? ----- ? My five-year-old, Christina, asked what I did at work. I explained that part of my job in the research lab was experimenting with mice and rats. ? Weeks later, at a school function, Christina's teacher expressed interest in my job. "The children were describing where their parents work," she chuckled, "and Christina told us that her mom works for rats." ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? Wrong Advertising ? The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. ? "I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." ? "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" ? "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. ? "However, you sent us some golf pencils ... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'" ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. The boy who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident. A calendar's days are numbered. A car can't make you high, but can a bus? ? ? Going to the Bank ? A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. ? "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" ? A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" ? Received from Aiken Drums ? ? Military Joke ? The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” ? “Thank you very much, sir.” ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? A Good Homily ? Q: How long should a good homily be? ? A: It should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested. ? This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.??Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ? You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if: ? 1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool. ? 2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up. ? 3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...) ? 4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!" ? 5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar. ? 6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV. ? 7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid. ? 8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying. ? 9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny. ? 10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan. ? 11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you. ? 12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know,back when... ? 13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....). ? 14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video. ? 15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace". ? 17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. ? 18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. ? 19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs. ? 20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting." ? 21. You've shopped at a Benetton. ?-----Late Night Funny # 1Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote “no” on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. He said, “If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.” Jimmy Fallon ? -----? Late Night Funny # 2? This is my last night in Dallas. So I've got to leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries. I have eaten my body weight every night. Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.? Conan O'Brien? ----- ? Late Night Funny # 3? Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, "I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself." So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit."? David Letterman? -----? Late Night Funny # 4? The Discovery Channel just announced plans for a new miniseries. It's hosting a race to land an unmanned spacecraft on the moon. So technically savvy individuals can compete to see who can get their spacecraft to the moon first. It will be televised live. The show aims to prove that people who are bright and determined and work hard can accomplish anything we already accomplished 50 years ago.? Jimmy Kimmel? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? Bright future? ? A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”. ? “Eventually” said the Doctor, “she will rise and shine!” ? ----- ? (From the Archives) ? Hard of hearing… ? A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him. ? “How bad is it?” the doctor asks. ? “I have no idea”, says the husband. ? “Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss.” ? So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. ? From 20 feet: “What are we having for dinner?” ? No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her … ? “What`s for dinner?” ? She turns around, looks at him and says “For the FOURTH time … BEEF STEW!” ? As seen at ajokeaday ? ? Cure for Lateness ? Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. ? After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. ? So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.??He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.??After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work. ? "Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!" ? "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" ? Received from You Make Me Laugh ? ? Wife's Revenge ? "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. ? "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. ? "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." ? Received from jshylumcleanjokes? ? ? A Little Night Music ? Can you identify the songs below based on the first letter of each word of??the title? ? 1.??SITN by Frank Sinatra 2.??TNTLWOIG by Reba McEntire 3.???AYLT by Elvis 4.???NIWS by The Moody Blues 5.???LNIDGTSAA by The 5th Dimesnsion 6.???SNAFF by Elton John 7.???TLST by the Tokens 8.????HMMITTN by Kris Kristofferson 9.????ITCCN by The White stripes 10.??ANL by the Eagles (also Lionel Richie) ? Answers below: ? (Answers to above) ? 1. Strangers in the Night 2. The Night the lights Went Out in Georgia 3. Are You Lonesome Tonight? 4. Nights in White Satin 5. (Last Night) I didn't Get To Sleep at All 6. Saturday Night Alright (for Fighting) 7. The Lion Sleeps Tonight 8. Help Me Make It Through the Night. 9. In the Cold, Cold ight 10. All Night Long ? ----- ? One day the school principal was talking to little Jimmy's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Jimmy comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Jimmy and asks him, why are you running? ? Little Jimmy says, "I'm keeping two kids from fighting," sir. ? "Who?" asks the principal. ? "Me and the kid chasing me;" and off he went. ? From The South Jersey Deviler via Syman Says;?SYMANSAYS@... Daily Trivia Question:???What is broomstick lace? Answer:??A form of crochet ----- Currently, the Kurds are the world's most numerous ethnic group with no independent nation of their own.? They briefly gained independence after World War I, under the Treaty of Sevres, but Kemal Ataturk had other ideas.? Functionally, the Kurds are independent in Iraq, and at this writing, in Syria as well, but they've been aggressively cracked down upon in Turkey.? There is also an actual (but powerless) province called Kurdistan in Iran. ? ? ? JEST FOR KIDS 04-08-2025 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year olds in your life ? RIDDLES ? What did the big toe say to the little toe? "There's a big heel following us." ? Why didn't the squirrel cross the telephone wire? Because the line was busy. ? Why does a chicken coop have two doors?? ??Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan? ? What's the difference between an angry mob and a sick cow? ??An angry mob 'boos madly' and a sick cow 'moos badly'? ? PUNS & SHORT JOKES ? "I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled ? I saw that the leper was in dire need of help; I asked him if I could lend him a hand. ? The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material. ? I exercise religiously.? I do one push-up and say, “Amen.” ? PUN SERIES ? HOMOGRAPHS (Words which are spelled the same but pronounced differently) ? A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. ? The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. ? We must polish the Polish furniture. ? To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow ? The insurance was invalid for the invalid. ? ? GROANERS & LONG JOKES ? If you find yourself singing the blues 'Cause you're way overweight, put on shoes. Try to walk and diet; I suggest you try it, Because what have you got to lose? (Kirk Miller) ? A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "What's up?"? The guy says "I had a fight with my wife and she told me she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."? The bartender says "That sucks!"? The guy says "You're not kidding.? The month is up today!" ? There was a man who entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.? Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ? Paul Revere had just discovered that someone in Boston was a spy for the British, and when he saw the young woman believed to be the spy's girlfriend in an Italian restaurant he said to the waiter, "Hold the spumoni--I'm going to follow the chick an' catch a Tory."?(John L. Ashman) ? A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken." ? ----- ? AND FROM THE PAST ? What's the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush?? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam.?(Jay Leno 4/05) ? The Texas Supreme Court has ruled that meetings by state officials in bathrooms are illegal. This ruling has angered members of the press who used to hide in stalls to get news stories. Now, they say, they can't go to the bathroom for a leak.?(Lee Jackson 4/05) ?? ----- ? RESTING COMFORTLY Penelope, oh Penelope! A cat for all seasons-(exceping winter, which so irritated you that you refused to leave the house). And thereby caused us to push you, complaining bit-terly as you did, into the frigid white February landscape. When you returned you stared balefully out at me from your safe place by the fire. Oh yes, I blame nobody but myself for the rest of it, the infection, the subsequent illness, the hurry-up trip to Dr. Kalbfus's Veterinary Hospital and, finally, your passing. Despair. Depression. Guilt. Then, the difficult decision. Bury you? No, no! A free spirit such as you, dear Penny, should be cremated, and when it comes my time to leave, the same for me. So I gave Dr. Kalbfus specific instructions. The phone rang the next day. What? Lost? Impossible! How incredibly careless. Find her-don't you understand-this was no ordinary cat! This was a princess! I paced. I cursed. I considered hiring a lawyer to take that clod of a doctor to court; to have the authorities close down Kalbfus and his gang of white-coated fumblers. Past six, and another call. "We found her!" they an-nounced. (Ghastly-some idiot had inadvertently consigned her to a garbage pail, but at the last moment, before the dumpster was hauled off, she'd been recovered and, I was reassured, properly cremated.) Now you, my dear friend, sit safely on the mantelpiece, at the fire you so loved.., and once again, a Penny saved is a Penny urned. "Resting Comfortly " by Max Wilt? from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately" by James Charlton (?1986) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?
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