Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for April 7, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 7, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Didn't know how he ought to begin Losing weight, really wants to be thin. ????????????He has just lost a pound, ????????????So is going around And he's sporting a?real?big?fat?grin. --- On car radio when Dad was stressed, Certain stations he often expressed ????????????Had a format that he ????????????Could enjoy.??I could see That?pop?music?was what he liked best. ? Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Pope’s Surprise Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness,? your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your?life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted?free access to all parts of heaven." St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an?open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet?with any heavenly leader? including the Father, without?prior appointment. Is there anything which your?holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered?some of the mysteries which have puzzled and?confounded theologians? through the ages. Are there?perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual?conversations between God and the prophets of old?? I?would love to see what was actually said, without the?dimming of memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly?library and explained how to retrieve the various?documents. The Pope was? thrilled and settled down to?review the history of humanity's relationship with?God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet?of the library. Immediately several of the saints and?angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a?parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'.?There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'...? It's CELIBRATE, not?celibate!" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008 This is so close to what is probably going to be?happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this?really is... Operator Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have?your national ID number? Customer Hi, I'd like to place an order. Operator I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,?it's 6102049998-45-54610. Operator Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742?Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is?745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Your email address is http//usf418mail@...?ym/Compose?To=sheehan@... Which number are you calling from sir? Customer Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this?information? Operator We're wired into the HSS, sir. Customer The HSS, what is that? Operator We're wired into the Homeland Security?System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple?of your All-Meat Special pizzas. Operator I don't think that's a good idea, sir. Customer Whaddya mean? Operator Sir, your medical records and commode sensors?indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.?Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an?unhealthy choice. Customer What?!?! What do you recommend, then? Operator You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm?sure you'll like it. Customer What makes you think I'd like something like?that? Operator Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean?Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion. Customer All right, all right. Give me two family?sized ones, then. Operator That should be plenty for you, your wife and?your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99. Customer Lemme give you my credit card number. Operator I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to?pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its?limit. Customer I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash?before your driver gets here. Operator That won't work either, sir. Your checking?account is overdrawn also. Customer Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have?the cash ready. How long will it take? Operator We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be?about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick' em up while you're out?getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a?motorcycle? can be a little awkward. Customer Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter? Operator It says here you're in arrears on your car?payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday. Customer Well, I'll be a .... Operator I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 20023 conviction for?cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at?a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is?this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer (speechless) Operator Will there be anything else, sir? Customer Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of?Coke. Operator I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary?clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank?you for calling Pizza Hut. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Walls of Jericho The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday?school.? The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua." "That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see?what you're learning.? Who tore down the walls of?Jericho?" Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I?didn't do it." Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore?down the walls of Jericho?" The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a?good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he?didn't do it." Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school?director and related the story to him. The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir,?we've had some problems with Billy before.? Let me talk to him and see what we can do." Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and?the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses?of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin?and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave?it at that." Received from Merry Hearts. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A young woman really thought she'd been very patient,?through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out?to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, So... how do you want your?rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at?him and replied ... "Thrown." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to?make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make?this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My?grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.?Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still?trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ More Puns My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends. Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed?. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos! Never trust an atom; they make up everything! _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Because I am a Man Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I?will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The NRMA is not an option. I will win. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very?well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows?up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these?computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a?form of Holy Communion. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone?to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as?I do, so for you this isn't a problem. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase?basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"?or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick?up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a?bodily function) _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops?working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much,?once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ___________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote?control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it?(though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly. _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm?thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you?ask, so don't ask. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother,?or have your mother comes visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I?have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick?up something for my mother, too. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked?the movie.? Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous?afterwards ... then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is?fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the?belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year?2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the?cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden?with a beer wondering what to do. ______________________________________________ This has been a public service message for Women to?better understand the Male. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Couple A married couple is driving down the interstate doing?55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been?married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to?60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair?with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as?his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just?keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80?mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and?all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,?"Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Like what?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at?90 mph, "An airbag." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Church Related Humor ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old?family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the?postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of?people in the world There are those who wake up in the morning and say,?"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a?large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.? Then he put a note under?the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.? If I don't park here, I'll miss my?appointment.? Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police?officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years? If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose?my job.? Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday?and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.? The good news is, we have enough money?to pay for our new building program.? The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to?an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the?carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a?question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air.? "He is an artist!" said?the kindergarten boy.? Really?? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven ...? " ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with?gas just before a long holiday weekend.? The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him?in front of the service station.? Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the?delay.? It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."? The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.? It's?the same in my business." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the?church, and the center of attention. ======== A father was approached by his small son who told him?proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you?'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father.? "So, son, what does the Bible?mean?" "That's easy, Daddy.? It stands for 'Basic Information?Before Leaving Earth.'" ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young?daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get?your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and?the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he?was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the?church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular?organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.? The substitute wanted to know?what to play.? "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I?make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said,?"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we?need $4,000 more.? Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The?Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |