Daily Clean Jokes for March 25 2025
|
Daily Clean Jokes for March 25, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Clean Limericks? ? ? ?? ? Clumsy man had a bad transgression, And the source of his indiscretion ????????????Is he tripped and then fell ????????????In wet concrete.??I tell Folks the man?left?a?bad?impression. ? Carol, Conrad, Bill, Dickhead, Jim, Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller
?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? Today’s Clean Pun:??The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands. ? ? Quote of the Day:? Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags.? ? ? Today’s One-Liner:??The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you. ? ? Daily Trivia ? Since today is Veteran's Day let's take a look at some interesting military facts.?
? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Paddy Funny Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? ? Someone Who Understands ? Bob Weber, past president of Kiwanis International, told this story. He had spoken to a club in a small town and was spending the night with a farmer on the outskirts of the community. He had just relaxed on the front porch when a newsboy delivered the evening paper. The boy noted the sign "Puppies for Sale". ? The boy got off his bike and said to the farmer, "How much do you want for the pups, mister?" ? "Twenty-five dollars, son." ? The boy's face dropped. "Well, sir, could I at least see them anyway?" ? The farmer whistled, and in a moment the mother dog came bounding around the corner of the house tagged by four of the cute puppies, wagging their tails and yipping happily. At last, another pup came straggling around the house, dragging one hind leg. ? "What's the matter with that puppy, mister?" the boy asked. ? "Well, Son, that puppy is crippled. We took her to the vet and the doctor took an X ray. The pup doesn't have a hip joint and that leg will never be right." ? To the amazement of both men, the boy dropped the bike, reached for his collection bag and took out a fifty-cent piece. "Please, mister," the boy pleaded, "I want to buy that pup. I'll pay you fifty cents every week until the twenty-five dollars is paid. Honest I will, mister." ? The farmer replied, "But, Son, you don't seem to understand. That pup will never, never be able to run or jump. That pup is going to be a cripple forever. Why in the world would you want such a useless pup as that?" ? The boy paused for a moment, then reached down and pulled up his pant leg, exposing that all too familiar iron brace and leather knee-strap holding a poor twisted leg. The boy answered, "Mister, that pup is going to need someone who understands him to help him in life!" ? Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ? ____________________________________________________________ ? ? Quick?Jokes ? Our 4-year-old daughter's surgery was scheduled for 11:30 a.m. We were becoming anxious as time passed and no one came to get her.? Finally at 12:30, the surgeon arrived at her room. Knowing my husband is a minister, the doctor asked us if many people were praying for this surgery.? Edgy from the delay, I said, "They were praying for you an hour ago." With a smile, he shot back, "Thanks. That surgery went very well." ? ----- ? Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."? The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"? After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, come to think of it, we went to Ohio." ? Received from Laugh& Lift ? ? The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"? The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her." ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ? ? quotes.of.the.day ? "There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true."?-- Sir Winston Churchill? "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."?-- Mark Twain? "Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold."?-- Ludwig van Beethoven ? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? b i t s . n . b o b s ? *-- Wacky 911 Calls --* ? * A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.? * A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."? * A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"? * Another person called to report he had the hiccups.? * A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.? * A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.? * A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.? * Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.? * A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.? * A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.? * A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.? * Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)? * A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.? * A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.? * A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.? * A person called to find out the number to the police station ? Received from The Mouthpiece ? ? On the Lighter Side ? When we seek advice, we may already know the answer - but wish we didn't. ? ? Punnies ? I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it. ? Sports Close-up ... I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. ... Then it hit me! ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? ? Life after Death ? "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.? "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.? "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Motorcycle Ride ? There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.? Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."? After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.? The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"? The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way." ? ----- ? Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games ? 10. Musical Recliners ? 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta ? 8. Hide and Go Pee ? 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent ? 6. Doc, Doc Goose ? 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over ? 4. Kick the Bucket ? 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear ? 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy ? 1. Sag, You're It! ? ----- ? Too Hot, Too Cold ? A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.? Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.? "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ? ----- ? Blonde Riding a Horse ? A blonde decides to learn and try horseback riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.? It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.? The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.? Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.? As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off. -----? Late Night Funnies? Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.?-- Jimmy Fallon? There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back.?-- Jimmy Kimmel? Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not.?-- Stephen Colbert ----- More?Jokes?from?ArcaMax.comGeorge Carlin- Stand Up Routine 1965 Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband in the middle of last summer. He had a long illness with strokes and Alzheimer's, and he was horrible to me. Out of our entire 40 years of marriage, we had only four good ones. Over the last three years, a gentleman from work would help with things around the house that my husband could no longer do. He would talk to both of us and then go on his way. I took care of my husband 24/7 for the last two years of his life. I see this man at work all the time. He lost his daughter around the same time I lost my husband. We carpooled and talked a lot. I bought him a tree this year for Christmas with presents (everyone in the vanpool gets presents). The day after Christmas, we celebrated together. We have been together every day since. He treats me well. My children adore him. My ONLY hang-up is that because he hasn't dated for more than 20 years, he isn't very affectionate. Other than that, he's great to me. If I mention that I like anything, he'll buy it for me. Do I take a man who has a hard time kissing and hugging me because he shows affection in other ways, or should I move on? I have lots of family, so even though I would be alone, I would never be lonely.?-- WONDERING IN THE WEST DEAR WONDERING:?The man you have been seeing has a lot going for him. I don't know why he isn't affectionate, and neither, it appears, do you. Please have a calm, straightforward chat with him. Tell him how terrific you think he is, but the fact that he's not physically affectionate (describe exactly what you mean by that) is a problem for you. He may not know how or not be able to give you what you're looking for, but it would be a shame to end the relationship over anything that was unsaid. DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s and dealing with an illness that can kill me. I'm OK with dying, and I don't want any treatment. I just want to go. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm since the age of 13. The problem is my children, husband and close family members. I don't want to tell anyone about this, and I do not want sympathy. I don't want to leave my children and husband, but I don't want them to see me get sick or die. I do not want them to cry. I prefer to deal with this on my own. Who knows? I might make it. Should I tell them what's going on or leave them hanging??-- CHALLENGED IN OHIO DEAR CHALLENGED:?I am sorry about your frightening diagnosis. Please do not leave the people who love you hanging. Your husband will see you growing weak and increasingly sick. Your children should be prepared, in an age-appropriate way, about the changes you will experience so they don't think it is their fault. Do everything you can to manage this disease, including talking to your doctors about your mental health history, and think positive, because you may, indeed, make it. If you do, your family will be stronger for it.? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
