Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for April 2, 2024
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 8, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk's Clean Limerick? ? ? ? ?? ? Punsters' loneliness likely does stem From remarks that they make which condemn ????????????All their wordplay.??It's marred, ????????????And the puns make it hard Finding people to?go?outwit?them.
?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ?? "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? ? My mom and dad had 6 photos of me from 1993 and I have 235 photos of my cat from 7 - 7:05 this morning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ? Waking up this?morning?was an eye-opening experience. Long fairy tales have a tendency to?dragon. What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers. The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights. My?sister?bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Life Funny Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Guess which of the following statements are True or False. Answers below, but no peeking! ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?Happy Eggs One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me. ?----- Walking Gone Wrong I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices. ----- A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Facts Do Not Cease “Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” ― Aldous Huxley, Complete Essays, Vol. II: 1926-1929? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ____________________________________________________________ We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis- missed the notion of a budding romance. ----- A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" ----- One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?" ----- -- A good thing to exercise when you're putting on weight is restraint. ----- There will be no nursing home in my future........ I just got the attached from my mother in law. I found it hysterical. She got it by e-mail from a friend, so I can't cite the source. I apologize if this has been posted before. It must be pretty old since the prices are no longer accurate and things that used to be free are not any more, but you get the idea: ? About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. ? As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." ? She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home." ? So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: ? 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. ? 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.) ? 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night. ? 4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo. ? 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. ? 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days. ? 7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. ? 8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them. ? 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. ? Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. ? So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. ? PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side! ----- The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. ----- Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. ----- "According to "The New York Post", runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never hap- pened. Ironically she showed up at the church and every- body else left town." --Jay Leno ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Naomi Watts talks about the impact David Lynch had on her life and starring alongside Bill Murray in their movie The Friend before introducing her four-legged co-star from the movie, Bing. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ______________________________________ Posted?by?
"In September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a History teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks in her classroom. When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks. 'Ms. Cothren, where are our desks?' She replied, 'You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.' They thought, 'Well, maybe it's our grades.' 'No,' she said. 'Maybe it's our behavior.' She told them, 'No, it's not even your behavior.' And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still, no desks were in the classroom. Kids called their parents to tell them what was happening and by early afternoon television news crews had started gathering at the school to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her classroom. The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the desk-less classroom. Martha Cothren said, 'Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he or she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.' At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it. Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Armed Services Veterans, all in uniform, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned. Martha said, 'You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. They went halfway around the world, giving up their education and interrupting their careers and families so you could have the freedoms you have. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, and to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it.' In May 2005, Martha Cothren, along with her class, organized a Vietnam Veterans Recognition Week, including a "Thank You Ceremony." World War II Veterans as well as Korean War Veterans attended. Students recorded veterans as they retold their war memories, preserving them for future generations. In 2006 the Veterans of Foreign Wars named Martha Cothren their "Teacher of the Year." God bless our men and women in uniform. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
If a handshake is painful, you can't hitchhike (well, you can't stick your thumb out) or you're among the 50% of women and 25% of men who experience osteoarthritis of the hand, we're here to help you get a grip -- physically and emotionally. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dear AbbyCop's Ex-wife Has Carried a Secret for Two Decades
DEAR ABBY: I was married to a police officer for 20 years. It wasn't a warm marriage. We divorced 20 years ago. Our one child is in his late 30s. I always put my son first and loved him with all my heart. During the last year of my marriage, my ex was poisoning my coffee. After drinking my one cup of afternoon coffee, my heart rate would go as high as 200 beats a minute until I passed out. When I woke up, the rate would be back to normal. I set up a camcorder and captured him putting something in the well of the coffee pot. At the time, we had half a million dollars in life insurance on me. This poisoning had been happening on and off for about a year until I finally figured it out. I didn't confront my husband and moved out immediately. I told no one except my mother. I did not tell my son because I wanted to protect him from knowing something so horrible about his dad. My son has hated me ever since the divorce because I received half his dad's pension. I never disclosed the physical and mental abuse I endured. My son speaks to me only once or twice a year, and when he does, he is very unkind. My heart is broken over this. I believe I should have told him about this a long time ago, but I'm afraid even with the proof of the recording, no one would have believed a police officer would do such a thing. I didn't want my son to have to live with the knowledge. That recording is in a safety deposit box at the bank. Should I destroy it? -- SURVIVED IN THE EAST DEAR SURVIVED: No, you should not destroy the recording. Tell a trusted friend or your lawyer that you have a safe deposit box you want opened upon your death and what is in it. Then have that recording copied and the copy sent to your son. He deserves to know the whole story instead of only his father's side of it. Miscarriage, Hospitalization Met With Silence DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first child. My husband and I are happy for them. We recently shared that we are expecting our first child two months after them. They were surprised but seemed excited for us to be raising children of similar age.Unfortunately, the next day, I suffered a miscarriage and was hospitalized the following week with complications. It has been two weeks, and neither my husband nor I have heard from them. We know they are aware of what happened. It surprises me they wouldn't check in or even send a text message. What should we make of their lack of contact? -- FUTURE MAMA IN PENNSYLVANIADEAR FUTURE MAMA: What you should make of their lack of contact is that they may not know what to say to you. They could suffer from a form of survivor guilt because their pregnancy is progressing. Because they are extended family, the chances are great that you'll be seeing them again. Raising the subject then would be appropriate if you feel the need. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
