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Today's Clean
Limericks? ? ? ? ? ?
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The astronomy course was by far
The one class I did better than par.
????????????When it came to the skies,
????????????I was really quite wise
And the teacher said I?was?the?star.
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Carol, Jim, Lars, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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B.O.O.K.
Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software:?B.O.O.K.
BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries.? Nothing to be connected or switched on.? So easy to use, even a child can operate it!? Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point.? Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc!? Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most efficient interface yet developed!
And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet!
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting.
The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish.? Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands!? BOOK often comes with an "index"?feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ...? even if BOOK has been closed!
Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ...?any?BOOKmark can be used in?any?BOOK by?any?manufacturer!
A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years!
Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used.
You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave.? BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions.
Life is short.? Information is dear.? Forget the Internet.
When deciding to access information, think BOOK.
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Today's One-Liner
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "Is it because of your hair?" - so now I'm crying for two reasons.
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Quote of the Day
"It's easier to fool people than it is to convince them they've been fooled."
- Mark Twain
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Gas Station Arrest
I stopped at the gas station to get a bottle of water. As I was pulling up, I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.
I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid, crazy, or both?" especially with the police standing right there! However, I minded my own business and went inside to get my drink. ?
As I was paying for my water, I heard someone screaming! It sounded like violent death screams! I looked outside and saw that the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around, and going nuts!
When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground, and they were?putting the fire out.
Then, they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car.
I was thinking, "Arrested? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a squad car?"?
Being nosey as I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for.
He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM!"
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What Does Your Horn Say?
Do you remember when the whole lower half of a car's steering wheel used to constitute the car's horn? A car horn that was half the size of the steering wheel made it so much easier and fun to find and hit than locating today's microscopic, camouflaged little buttons. How are you ever supposed to find and use your horn in the nanosecond you have in case of a pending accident?
But it was a daughter's comment that made me ponder the changing role of yet another thing I thought would never change. She said something to the effect that a horn was mainly for communicating to another driver that you are angry with them. I was a little shocked.
When had a car horn become mostly an instrument to express road rage?
How were we communicating that to her? I didn't think of a car horn that way at all!
So I started to tell her all about all the old-fashioned uses of the trusty car horn. Isn't a horn primarily for accident prevention? To warn another driver that they are straying into your path, or in danger of hitting you? For such uses, the little buttons are woefully inadequate.
Unless you drive with your thumb or finger poised over the button, forget it. You can never find the horn that fast.
How else are horns used? Well, of course there is the friendly little "hello" honk. Then there is the romantic or flirting honk. Then there is the sentimental goodbye honk: one woman taps her horn lightly whenever she leaves her mother's home - a cute little ritual that somehow signals all is well between them. A goodbye honk is like a goodnight kiss: hard to do if you are mad at someone.
It is an unfortunate sign of the times if my kids have come to think of the horn as a thing you use to sound off at another driver.
So what are we teaching our kids by example and what they absorb from the rest of society if they look at car horns primarily as a tool of aggression? The increase in road-rage and the erosion of the old-fashioned accident-preventing car horn to the point where the horn is mainly an accent mark for flaring tempers is undoubtedly due to many factors.
But can we stem this trend by taking a look again at how we see other people? When we respect other people as God's creation, as people that God also loves, we move even our road etiquette up a little higher on the civility scale.
- Author Unknown
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Man's 2 AM Lecture:? You Won't Believe Who's Lecturing!???
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.?
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.?
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.?
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.?
"My wife," said the man.
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.
Received from Pastor Tim.
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?A Virus Funny
?read a story about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you see that article?" he asked.
"Yes. I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
>>>Today's Thot
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
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Received from Mikey’s
Funnies.
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Sunday SchoolAs he returned home from school one day, my seven-year-old son announced: "I want to go to Sunday school."
Pleased, I told him that I'd find one for him.
Later he said: "Oh, boy, I can't wait to go to Sunday school. One day sounds so much better than five."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth?via GCFL.
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"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
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An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
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Thought Of The Day:??At Any Given Moment
“At any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end. ”??- Unknown
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Received from aJokeADay.com.
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A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 18," replies the barman.
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Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. ...
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- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
- When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
- When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When you lay down in the afternoon ...
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"Did you all see the guy at Yankee Stadium that jumped from the upper deck into the net that catches the foul balls? He jumped like 50 feet. How can anyone get that drunk off $8 beers!" -- Dave Letterman
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Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks mowed the lawn of a city building Tuesday in Lawrenceville, Ga., Tuesday as part of her court-ordered community service for lying to police after she ran off before her wedding. -- NBC Newsc?
after she ran off before her wedding.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
About a quarter of U.S. adults have been diagnosed with arthritis -- and many others contend with sore, aching joints. That's more than 55 million folks who deal with varying degrees of pain, restricted motion and a compromised ability to feel content or happy. That's because joint-related pain (and we don't mean from marijuana ... that's a whole other column) is strongly connected to mental and emotional pain.
Studies show that persistent emotional distress often develops in folks ...
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