Daily Clean Jokes for April 6, 2025
|
Daily Clean Jokes for April 6, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Boxer lost six straight bouts.??Filled with wrath, He is pondering the aftermath. ????????????He decides that hiking ????????????Should be to his liking, So he'll be off of?the?beaten?path. ? Jim, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Dick, got it.
?? -----? ? ? ? Kirk Miller ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quotes of the Day:? ? Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. -- Mark Twain ? Smoking can kill you. And if you've been killed you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away. -- Stephen Hawking If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. -- Reese Witherspoon And now the sequence of events, in no particular order. -- Dan Rather ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ?
? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Vote Funny The new pastor at a country church had some exciting ideas for the future. At the elders meeting he presented his vision with great energy and passion. The senior elder then called for a vote. All 12 elders voted "NAY"; only the pastor voted "AYE." ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" Received from Steve Sanderson.via GCFL. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ?A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away.? “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?” ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Wayne Osmond Celebration of Life ? "You know what you get when you play country music backward?" "You get your dog back, your pickup truck back, your wife comes back, and you stay sober!" ? --- My favourite memory was - strangely enough - said by Wayne at his Mother's Funeral. He said some touching things but finished telling everyone that he was Mother's favourite child! It apparently got a lot of laughs! I believe Mother told all the kids?that they were her favourite child! ----- I loved for Marie's 60th Birthday, when the brothers were on the Talk, when all the brothers were all talking about Marie, and Wayne said to her, I love being your big sister. Received from Wayne Osmond Celebration of Life's Post ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Actual Answers Given on Family Feud ? A way of cooking fish - Cod ? Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings ? Something you might be allergic to - Skiing ? Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters ? Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet ? Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate ? Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog ? Received from?Phyllis?Ingram. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? PARENTAL JOB DESCRIPTION? Wanted: Long-term team players for around-the-clock?work in an often chaotic environment.? Some overnight?travel required, including trips to primitive camping?sites on rainy weekends and the? possibility of endless?sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses?not reimbursed. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in?basic life skills, such as nose blowing and using a?toilet.? Must have strong skills in negotiating,?conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to?suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box, but not lose?track of the box because you will need it for a school?project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be?proficient in managing budget and resources fairly?unless? you like hearing "He got more than me!" for the?rest of your life. Must be able to operate motor?vehicles? safely under loud and adverse conditions?while practicing conflict resolution skills. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your?guns. Must be willing to be hated temporarily until? someone needs money to go out with friends. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the strength and stamina of a pack mule,?yet still be able to go from 0 to 60mph in three?seconds? just in case that scream from the backyard?isn't playful. Must be able to make small repairs,?such as broken? dolls and zippers. Must screen phone calls, manage calendars, and?coordinate production of multiple homework projects.? Must have highly entrepreneurial spirit, because?"Fundraiser" will become your middle name. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an?embarrassment the next. Must have an expansive?knowledge? database to answer questions on the fly such?as, "What makes the wind move?" or, "If a cow laughs,?would milk? come out of its nose?" Must assume final and complete accountability for the?quality of the end product. Other duties include floor? maintenance and general janitorial work throughout the?facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: None. Your?job is to remain in this position for years, constantly training and updating your skills, in the?hopes that those in your charge will one day surpass?you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None needed. On-the-job training?in a living laboratory environment is ongoing. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Actually, you pay them.?Frequent raises and bonuses will also be necessary. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 years old?under the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give?them whatever is left. Oddly enough, you will enjoy this arrangement and wish that you could do more. BENEFITS: The job comes with no guaranteed health?insurance, dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays or stock options. There?are, however, limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life ... if you play your?cards right. Received from Mikey's Funnies ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Happy Hunting? A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to?find a Pygmy standing beside a very large dead beast ... Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The Pygmy answered, "Yes." The hunter then asked, "How could a little guy like?you kill a huge beast like that?" Said the Pygmy, "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The Pygmy replied, "Oh, there's about 60 of us." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU? 1) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public. 2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. 3) Your locker is also the broom closet. 4) The job description in your contract includes?"crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject." 5) He sends you on drug raids - alone. 6) He always tells you that only wussies call for?back-up. 7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to?look for them. 8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire,?no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner. 9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program"?and put you on a plane to Siberia. 10) He refers to you as "our mascot". ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Science Lesson? A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of?the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,?as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in?the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my?feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't?empty." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Jury Selection? The tiresome jury selection process continued, each?side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session. "Property holder?" "Yes, I am, Your Honor." "Married or single?" "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." "Formed or expressed an opinion?" "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!" - Submitted by Jokes4U. -----"Prove that the crocodile is longer "?Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. ----- How to Treat Your Wife Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. ----- Knock Knock Collection? ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- his is a sketch has been attributed elsewhere on YouTube as originating on "The Tonight Show" but I am more inclined to think that it is from Steve's Sunday evening show on NBC. Although black and white in this kinescope copy, that show was broadcast in color. Part of the color technology at that time was the special effect "chroma key". Without too much techncial explanation it basically ...
? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: I'm 29, and my boyfriend is 36. We met on a dating site and were together for three years. He broke up with me two months ago because he didn't think he could marry me. (We weren't engaged.) He says I'm the love of his life, soulmate and his dream come true, and I feel the same, but he has commitment issues. When I met him, I was in the process of getting divorced and ending an abusive marriage. He was the best boyfriend, and, to us, our relationship was perfect. But his commitment issues gave him doubt that I'm the one he's supposed to be with. I truly believe that God put him in my life. Something told me he was The One. How can I get him to see that we are meant to be and not to give up on the best relationship both of us have ever had? -- TRUE SOULMATE IN GEORGIA DEAR SOULMATE: I love your sales pitch, but the person who has to buy it is him, and he's not in the market for a permanent attachment. Believe me, I sympathize, but both partners have to believe the other is "The One," and the urge to commit appears to be definitely one-sided here. Remember, you met this man as you were getting out of an abusive relationship. He was kind; you pounced. It would be interesting to know if you received any kind of counseling after that prior relationship, because you may need some now to make sure you don't repeat an unhealthy pattern. DEAR ABBY: I was fortunate to learn an uncommon hobby from my grandmother. Because I am the only grandchild who continued the hobby, I inherited her tools. I mainly keep in touch with my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) through social media, and, because of that, I post my work from time to time. They have expressed happiness that someone is continuing the hobby, so I want to continue sharing. My problem is that several friends constantly nag me to sell them my items. I work full time, have a large family and volunteer at my kids' schools, so I have little time to devote to my hobby. Each item takes many hours to complete, and I don't want to sell them. Also, if I priced them appropriately for the time it takes to produce, the items would be costly. I have told these friends repeatedly that I do this purely as a hobby, yet they continue to bombard my posts with demands that I sell to them. I don't want to "unfriend" these people. They are my friends and in other respects are wonderful. How can I get my message across to them? -- CRAFTY IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR CRAFTY: Tell your friends you are complimented that they would like to buy your creations, but after spending the amount of time you do creating them, they become like your "children." Point out that you would no more sell them than one of your kids, and they are not and never will be for sale. Say it with a smile, or a smile emoji. But do not relent. If the requests keep coming, limit with whom you share these images (i.e., only relatives). ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
