Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for April 5, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 5, 2025 *? Eventually you will reach a point when you stop?lying about your age and start bragging about it. *? The older we get, the fewer things seem worth?waiting in line for. *? Some people try to turn back their odometers.? Not?me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.?? I've?traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't?paved. *? One of the many things no one tells you about aging?is that? it is such a nice change from being young. *? Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is?comfortable. *? Due to a slight mix-up with pills on the kitchen?counter,? my husband will be heartworm-free for the?next 30 days. *? "The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and?envision a whole universe,? but the stupid man will?find some seaweed and roll around until he's all?covered in it and go,? 'Hey! I'm vine man!'" - Jack?Handy _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man from Poland goes to the optometrist who shows?him a card with the letters: "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z." "Can you read this?" the optometrist asks. "Read it?" He replies, "I know the guy!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "My wife is at that stage when her biological clock is?telling her it's time? for her to be making me feel?guilty and immature." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a?baby, I asked my four-year-old niece, Justina,? "What?do you want, a baby brother or a baby sister?" "Aunt Donna," she chided, "sometimes you just gots to?take what God gives ya." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man came home from the office and found his new?bride sobbing convulsively.? "I feel terrible," she?told him.?? "I was pressing your suit and I burned a?big hole in the seat of your?trousers." "Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband.? "Remember?that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, I know.? And it's lucky you have!" said the?woman, drying her eyes.?? "I was able to use a piece?from them to patch the hole!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In my job with a delivery company, I was getting?directions to a customer's home. The woman very?specifically said,? "From the main road in the center?of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn?left onto the next street.? Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a?red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway in the second on the right, and the number?is on the mailbox. As I entered the information ?into?the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"? The?woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go?check." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 'Golf does strange things to other people, too. It?makes liars out of honest men, cheats out of?altruists,? cowards out of brave men, and fools out of?everybody.'? -- Milton Gross _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; what does is?the realization that he's married to a grandmother. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SUSPECT ARRESTED At Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport today, an individual?later discovered to be a public school teacher,? was?arrested trying to board a flight while in possession?of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare,? a slide rule?and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John?Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member? of the?notorious 'Al-gebra' movement. He is being charged by?the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult." Ashcroft said. "They?desire average solutions by means and extremes,? and?sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute?value. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y,'? and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we have?determined they belong to a common denominator of the?axis? of medieval with coordinates in every country. As?the Greek philanderer Isoscales used to say,? 'There?are three sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush?said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of? math instruction, he would have given us more fingers?and toes.' _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Getting Gray One day a little girl was sitting and watching her?mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.? She suddenly?noticed that her mother had several strands of white?hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why?are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do?something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my?hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a?while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's?hairs are white?" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Learning to Swim? A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how?he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied?the guard. "First you must take her into the water,? then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly,?then take her right arm and raise it very slowly ..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I?know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just?push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn?in a hurry." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Academic Phrases and Meanings? The following list of phrases and their definitions?might help you understand the mysterious language? of?science and medicine. These special phrases are also?applicable to anyone working on a? Ph.D. dissertation?or academic paper anywhere! "It has long been known" ...? I didn't look up the?original reference. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed?study" ...? The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown" ...? This is the prettiest?graph. "In my experience" ...? once. "In case after case" ...? twice. "In a series of cases" ...? thrice. "It is believed that" ...? I think. "It is generally believed that" ...? A couple of others?think so, too. "Correct within an order of magnitude" ...? Wrong. "According to statistical analysis" ...? Rumor has it. "A statistically oriented projection of the?significance of these findings" ...? A wild guess. "It is clear that much additional work will be?required before a complete understanding of this?phenomenon occurs" ...? I don't understand it. "After additional study by my colleagues" ...? They?don't understand it either. "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the?experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable?discussions"...? Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams?explained to me what it meant. "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further?investigation in this field" ...? I quit. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Corporate Lesson #3 A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager?are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil?lamp.? They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of?smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three?wishes,? so I'll give each of you just one. " "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want?to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,? without a?care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales?rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,? relaxing on the beach?with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina?coladas? and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.? The?manager says, "I want those two back in the office?after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the?first say. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dentist Appointment? ? One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks?how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.? "$130 dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.?"Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an?anesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00,? but it?would be very painful" "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead?of using my normal surgical procedure;? I simply rip?the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away?with charging $50.00" "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I?let one of my students do it for the experience,? I?suppose I could charge you just $25.00" "Marvelous," says the man, "book an appointment for my?wife next week! _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golfer's Best Shots? A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last?came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove?a ball,? accidentally of course, through a cottage?window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the?place caught on fire!" "What did you do?" asked his friends. "Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another?ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main?Street.?? That brought out the fire engine before any major?damage was done." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sorry, Mike du Jour stuff?timing is whacko lately. In the stillness of the night, -- Ipek Cetin _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |