Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025

#2480

Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??

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Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk? ? ? ? ? ?

Prison warden decides to pre-empt

Belly dancers before they attempt

????????????To do entertainment

????????????For the convicts, which meant

That the dancers were charged?with?con-tempt.

Jim, Lee, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Chris got it.

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? ??"The only way to do great work is to love what you do."?- Steve Jobs.?

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Today's One-Liners:? ?

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

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Pun of the Day:??Food for Thought

Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough."

It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities.?

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?A WOOL FUNNY

The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient.

"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

>>>Today's Thot

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don't allow that in bowling. I know that now.

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"?

Student: "Meat!"?

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"?

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"?

Student: "Homework!"

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"?

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."?

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."?

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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Will you tell me a joke?

A young man joined the army. On the first day of Basic Training, the DI told the new recruits “Due to budget cuts, we cannot afford to give you a rifle. Instead, we’ll give you a stick. You are to point your stick at the target and yell ‘BANGITY-BANG!’”

So that’s what they did all day. BANGITY-BANG! BANGITY-BANG!

The next day the DI told them: “We also cannot afford bayonets, so you will duct tape this plastic fork to the end of your stick, then you will run up to the target and yell ‘STABBITY-STAB!’”

So that’s what they did all day. STABBITY-STAB! STABBITY-STAB!

Unfortunately, on the next day, war broke out.?Fortunately, both sides were similarly afflicted by budget cuts. The two armies met each other on the battlefield and raised their sticks. “BANGITY-BANG!” they shouted. Soldiers on both sides fell down.

As the fighting got more intense, they started jabbing each other with their plastic forks, shouting “STABBITY-STAB!” Even more soldiers fell down.

Finally, our new recruit found himself all alone on the battlefield… or so he thought. In the distance he saw an enemy soldier slowly walking towards him. Our brave soldier raised his stick and shouted “BANGITY-BANG!”

But still the enemy soldier kept coming.

When the enemy was close enough, our hero jabbed his fork and shouted “STABBITY-STAB!”

But the enemy soldier pushed our hero down and started walking over him. And as he did, he said:

“TANKITY-TANK! TANKITY-TANK!”

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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On the Lighter Side?

The English Language -?Not Easy!
For all of you who wonder why folks from other countries have a bit of trouble with the English language . . .
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym. You think English is easy???
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound.*
2) The farm was used to *produce produce.*
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse.*
4) We must *polish* the *Polish*?.
5) He could *lead* if he would get the *lead* out.
6) The soldier decided to *desert* his??in the *desert.*
7) Since there is no time like the *present,*?he thought it was time to *present* the *present.*
8) A *bass* was painted on the head of the *bass* drum.
9) When shot at, the *dove dove* into the bushes.
10) I did not *object* to the *object.*
11) The??was *invalid* for the *invalid.*
12) There was a *row* among the oarsmen about how to *row.*
13) They were too *close* to the door to *close* it.
14) The buck *does* funny things when the *does* are present.
15) A seamstress and a *sewer* fell down into a *sewer* line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his *sow* to *sow.*
17) The *wind* was too strong to *wind* the sail.
18) Upon seeing the *tear* in the painting I shed a *tear.*
19) I had to *subject* the *subject* to a series of tests.
20) How can I *intimate* this to my most *intimate* friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.?
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a??eats?, what does a humanitarian eat??
Sometimes I think all the English??should be committed?to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people?recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

?Phyllis Ingram

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Nice Tie

A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.

"Nice shirt."

He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.

"Nice tie," the voice says again.

He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.

"Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said.

"The peanuts?" asked the man.

"Yeah, they're complimentary."??

Received from Reddit Clean.

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Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house is.

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Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...

All she gave up was sex.

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Thought Of The Day:??Formula for Failure

“I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.” -― Herbert Bayard Swope

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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(loud sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

(soft sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.?It means she is momentarily content.

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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NBC network. First Tonight Show. Monday, September 27, 1954. 11:30 pm to midnight portion. Live from the Hudson Theater in New York.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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- March 20, 2025?-

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn't.

Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own -- a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I'll be gone so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice? -- HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter "Hero Husband," but hasn't it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected. Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn't know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.

DEAR ABBY: Both my parents passed away fairly recently -- three years ago for my dad and almost two for my mom. They are buried in the town where I live. All my other relatives of their generation are gone, too. I place artificial flowers on their graves, but I rarely pass by there, and my children and grandchildren don't visit them. They have their memories of time spent with my parents, as do I. My husband and I plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered. I place the flowers because I want people to know I respect my parents, but I often forget to change them seasonally, which seems worse than not decorating at all. I would like to stop, and I need to convince myself it is OK. Is grave decorating a generational thing, and is the trend not to do so in this day and age? -- GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents. Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death. The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.

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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025

More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Finding Blessings in Tough Times
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Direct link:?