Daily Clean Jokes for April 4, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ??
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Today's Clean
Limericks? ? ? ??
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I asked sketch artist when she'd begin
On my portrait.???She said with a grin:
????????????An appointment you should
????????????Make with me so I could
Check my schedule and?pencil?you?in.
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Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Chris, Dickhead, Grover got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Good news about volunteering
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Received from Kirk Miller.
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Quote
of the Day:?You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. -- C.S. Lewis
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Today's One-Liner:? ?
Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on our birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.
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Puns of the
Day:?
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A Healthy Dose of Punning
"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."
Apart from the initial shock and subsequent giggle, this pun gets you thinking about perspectives again. It's all about how you look at things. Even in the worst scenarios, there's always a way to lighten the mood and find the positive.
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SUNDAY COMPOSERS
By Dr. Michael A. Halleen
"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. . . . (Let us) use it in proportion to (our) faith." (Romans 12:6)
Alexander Borodin was a nineteenth century Russian composer, a member of "The Mighty Handful," a group of that nation's five leading composers dedicated to producing a distinctly Russian music. His opera, Prince Igor, is thought by some to have been his most significant work.
Borodin, however, always considered himself no more than a part-time musician—a "Sunday composer," as he called himself. His training and professional career were in organic chemistry. He worked as a researcher in that field, writing scholarly articles and delivering lectures in Russian universities and throughout Western Europe. But on weekends, as a hobby, he wrote string quartets and symphonic poems—and Prince Igor. It's that music that became his legacy to the world. Likewise . . .
- Socrates was a stonemason who made a good honest, living. But he was a curious man, and in his off hours he asked questions and challenged people to think. Today he's remembered as the founder of Western philosophical thought.
- Alexander Graham Bell was a teacher whose wife was nearly deaf, and at least in part as an effort to assist her to hear better, he invented the telephone. What started as weekend tinkering to solve a domestic communication problem revolutionized communication for all.
- The Wright brothers built bicycles in Ohio, but when business was slow they fiddled around with the idea of flying. It was just a sideline. Then came that December day in Kitty Hawk, and the Wrights would forever be associated with flight.
- Jimmy Carter was, in many ways, an undistinguished, garden-variety U.S.
president. Since leaving office, however, he has achieved greatness in still another career as an international diplomat and humanitarian.
The gifts that lie within many are too great to be confined to a single avenue of expression. The interests that drive some spirits are too varied and rich to be satisfied with punching the same clock for forty years.
And, for a certainty, the needs of the world go well beyond the contribution any of us can make to meet them in a mere eight hours per day. We need more "Sunday composers."
Are there dreams still hidden in you? What are you doing this weekend?
?-? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -
Copyright 2009 Dr. Michael A. Halleen. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
>>>Today's Thot
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
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Received from Mikey’s
Funnies.
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Very Fancy Funny
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Received from Steve Sanderson?via GCFL.
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Received from
Phyllis Ingram
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On the Lighter Side?
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?If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims
Why do bananas use sunscreen?
Because they peel.
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?What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
My grandpa?always?said when one door closes, another one opens. Smart man but a horrible cabinet maker.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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Received from Reddit
Clean.
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How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
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What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Seeds of Future Happiness
“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”?― Steve Maraboli
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What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
"Thanks, I’ll never part with it!"
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I went to visit my elderly grandmother.
I'll never forget her last words before she kicked the bucket.
She said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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Quote of the Day:??I'm Not Goodt At Advice
“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” -- Chandler Bing (from Friends)?
Received from
aJokeADay.com.
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Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?
Because he was a dirty double crosser!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What has two legs and flies?
A pig!
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
A cow that can milk itself!
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." |
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Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Here are a couple of wild foxes jumping on my trampoline. They were having lots of fun! I live in Colorado. Yes, they are wild foxes who lived in my backyard for a summer. I never saw them do this again, and never saw them again after the summer was over.
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DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old daughter attempted suicide a week ago. She had been living with her fiance, and they shared an apartment and had two cats. My wife and I brought her home from the hospital, and she's staying with us. Her fiance's and his family's reactions have been horrible. Instead of comforting her, they are angry at her about the stress she has caused them. He no longer calls her, and his family has blocked her on their email and social media. He will not go to their apartment. My daughter was under stress for a long time and had been hiding her issues from her fiance, trying to be the perfect person in front of him. This contributed to her inner turmoil. She now feels she was right to hide everything, since they all abandoned her as soon as they found out she had problems. I have advised her that the best thing she can do in the long term is end the engagement and never see this fiance or his family again. They have shown themselves to be horrible people. She should not marry a man who abandons her when she most needs him. I have told her this because they are not actually married, and she now has a chance to move forward for a better life. What can I do to help her? -- HER DAD DEAR DAD: Your daughter's fiance and his family may have done her a favor by demonstrating that in a crisis they would disappear. What your daughter needs now is intensive counseling to help her deal with the issues that drove her to attempt suicide. Help her by being patient and doing everything you can to ensure that she gets it. Keeping the number of the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (988) on hand would be prudent. If you need more support, contact NAMI -- the National Alliance on Mental Illness -- at .
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 44 years. He was a drinker and smoker for 40 of those years. It's no surprise we have had our ups and downs. Four children and five grandchildren later, I have finally realized he's interested in just two things: beer and smoking. A year ago, they found spots on his lungs. The doctor said the spots were small but need to be checked every year. Shouldn't that have been a wake-up call? I have begged him to stop both, but he tells me to shut up. I'm going to tell him I'll be leaving the house and staying with my daughter. I love him, but I can't watch him do this anymore. I want to live and enjoy my life. He doesn't leave the house except to work and buy beer and cigarettes. I have had enough. I have to take what life I have left to enjoy. What do you think, Abby? -- HAD ENOUGH IN NEW JERSEY DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Truth? I'm surprised your marriage has lasted as long as it has. Your husband is addicted to alcohol and nicotine and is self-destructive. Before packing your bags, it might benefit you to join one of the 12-step support groups for families and friends of addicts because it may assuage any guilt you experience. That said, because your husband refuses to even try to change, I agree it's time to start taking care of yourself. Watching people harm themselves is soul-killing. |
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
More than half of the calories consumed by the average American are from nutritionally empty, sugar-, fat- and salt-loaded, artificially manufactured, ultra-processed foods, defined as "industrial formulations with five or more ingredients." That adds up to a hugely increased risk for heart disease, stroke, erectile dysfunction, obesity, colorectal, breast and prostate cancer, dementia and other chronic conditions.
We know ditching those pre-packed goodies all at once is tough. But ...
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Give?us
a sense of humor,?
Give
us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get
some humor out of life, ?
and
pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have
a great?day?unless you have other plans.
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Compiled
by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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