Daily Clean Jokes for April 9, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 9, 2025 ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The last line has a well-known cliché That contains, as expected, wordplay. ????????????In heaven's football games, ????????????They're finding many names Of some quarterbacks?who?passed?away. ? Jim, Conrad, Dick got it.? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ?? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quotes of the Day:? ?Writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard famously said, “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”? Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. -- Mark Twain It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. --?Ellen DeGeneres ? Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.?-- Elizabeth Foley ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liners:? ?I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day:? ? Two friends took ropes to school so that they could?skip out.? ? ? ??? ???? When you use glue in class, it paste to be careful. ??? A teacher having a tough time longs for the end of the?school daze. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pious Old Man A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health,? so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore? "The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.? But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" Received from Beliefnet.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," the woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Bermiece B. Phillips _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No Kidding In his sermon at the ordination service of an associate minister, our pastor reminded our new shepherd that preaching is central both to her work as a minister of the Word and to the life of the church. He compared the church's sanctuary to a ship.? "The pulpit," he said, "is at the bow.? It leads the church."? To emphasize this point, our pastor swung the moveable pulpit around.? Seeing a note on the back--apparently for the first time--he commented, "Some churches have signs on their pulpits, 'Sir, we would see Jesus.'? Here is says, " and he leaned closer to read, "Do not move the pulpit without first unplugging the microphone." Ryan Faber _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Last year when our grandson was in first grade, he listened intently as his teacher told the children the story of the fall--how Adam and Eve were tempted by Satan and ate the apple.? When she was finished, our grandson raised his hand and commented, "But teacher,?it was good that Eve ate the apple."? Puzzled, his teacher asked him to explain.? "Well, then Eve knew she had to put some clothes on." Jeni Hoekstra Banner, Volume 140, Number 4, April 2005, pg. 7 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ As missionaries, my family and I were visiting a supporting church h in Bellflower, CA,? during our home service.? The pastor of Bethany at the time, was sitting? on the carpeted steps in front of the pulpit surrounded by about 30 eager children.? Pastor Dale was explaining the work of missionaries and trying to draw the? children to the conclusion that we are all missionaries.? Finally Pastor Dale asked the children, "So girls and boys, how are Joel Hogan and I the same?" Immediately a little girl shot her hand up and excitedly said, "I know, I know."? With gusto she announced into the microphone, "You're both bald!" Joel Hogan _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Just Kidding? A Sunday school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.? Occasionally she walked around to see each child's work.?? As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked about the picture.? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."?? The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."?? Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." Bernie Velzen _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tom and Evelyn were sitting in their living room.? It was eventide--not only the hour of the day but eventide in their lives also.? Their memory was not what it once was.? Tom said to Evelyn, "You know, I feel like a hot fudge sundae--why don't you go in the kitchen and fix me one?? "Then he added, "And you better write it down.? "No, no," said Evelyn, as she hurried to the kitchen. "I can remember it." Tom heard her bustling around in the kitchen.? It took her a while, but pretty soon she emerged with a nice platterful of bacon and eggs.? Tom grinned and said, "See, I told you to write it down.? You forgot the toast." Vicki K. Peterson _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE WRONG END OF THE BULL In the latter stages of a bull-market, the market is most characterized by bull. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Embarrassing Situations! A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What?do you mean $200!" Received from aJokeADay.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 20 Ways to Maintain Your Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit InyYour parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair?dryer at passing cars.? See if they slow down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In". 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors" 7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling,? "Run For Your Lives,?They're?Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,? We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And the final way to keep a good level of sanity ... 20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.? It's Called Therapy _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ahhhhhh ... Beaver Hunting! An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual?check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have?a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and?then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a?season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his?walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the?stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver?fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a?couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." Received from TLK.
? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Construction Funny A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?Clean Puns 1.? Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tear able. 2.? I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. 3.? I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents; it was so hard to keep track. 4.? Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake. 5.? I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme. ? ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me. ----- It was different when we were kids. ----- Thought Of The Day: Looking for Scars “God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.”?― Elbert Hubbard ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D.
What do Hawaiian Punch, ketchup, and sweet and sour dipping sauce (at Micky D's) all have in common? Bet you didn't guess this one -- they enhance tumor growth, because they contain high fructose corn syrup! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |