Daily Clean Jokes for March 18, 2025

#2469

Daily Clean Jokes for? March 18, 2025? ? ? ?

? ? ? ?

Today's Clean Limericks? ? ?

If you give alcohol a good-bye

And decide that hard drugs you will try,

????????????I will hasten to tell

????????????That it won't turn out well,

Because then you'll be?left?high?and?dry.

Jim, Carol, Dick, Chris, Conrad got it.

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

-----? ? ?

Kirk's Puns

An election year is when the air is filled with speeches, and vice versa.

Those who eat candy with both hands are ambi-dextrose.

Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo."??During that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife on the battle line.??She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.??After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.

If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

Kirk Miller

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Humorous Quotes of the Day:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But?everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or?spread out.?-- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it?out.?-- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,?he's too old to go anywhere??-- Billy Crystal?? ??

?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Steven Wright's One-Liners for Today:? ?

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?A Carpool Funny

It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.

John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there. He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!"

The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, before John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road. When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience.

Just as he started to recount the whole story, she interrupted him, saying, "Oh, that reminds me, John. Do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

>>>Today's Thot

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe trail guide was not the best career after all.

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Stopped for Speeding

A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.

The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five."

She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old."

?Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

?Squeaky Clean Jokes

Why did the mouse wash its fur? Because it wanted to be?squeaky?clean! ?
What do you call a mouse that can sing? A?squeaky?diva! ?
How does a mouse stay in shape? It goes to the?cheese?gym! ?
Why did the mouse sit on the clock? It wanted to keep?track?of time! ?
What’s a mouse’s favorite dance? The?Cheddar?Cha-Cha! ?
Why did the mouse bring a broom? To keep its home?squeaky?clean! ??

Received from Punny Universe.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On the Lighter Side?

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"?

I said: "No, it doesn't"

"What do you mean, does nothing rhyme with orange?"

'No ... that doesn't rhyme either.'

"Well, I know 'that' doesn't rhyme, I'm asking, what rhymes with orange?"

'No! It doesn't!'

And so on and so forth ...

______________________________

?I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo???One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Received from Reddit Clean.

________________________________________

Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly.

“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”

One of them shouted out, ”How much?”

-----

His wife returned from the morning shopping expedition and called her husband into the room from the garden.

"Frederick," she said heavily, "When you came home last night you told me you had been to the Grand Hotel with Mr. Wilson. I just met Mrs. Wilson, and she said you were both at the Trocadero. Why did you lie to me like that."

Hubby groaned. "When I came home last night I couldn't say 'Trocadero.'"

-----

Thought Of The Day:??The Quickest Way

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." -- Roseanne Barr

Received from aJokeADay.com.

____________________________________________________________

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet :

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

-----

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo.""Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car."Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.""Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."-----

Years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Today we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.

-----

Funny One-Liners

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
My brother was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping.
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
I was arrested for lip-syncing Karaoke.
Every morning I get up and make instant coffee so I’ll have enough energy to make the regular coffee.

-----

More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

-----

Buster Keaton in Neighbors, The General, Cops, Seven Chances, Three Ages, Hard Luck, The Bell Boy, Steamboat Bill, One Week, Day Dreams, Sherlock Jr., Our Hospitality, Jr.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

r

DEAR ABBY: We lost our 16-year-old daughter two years ago to leukemia. It's been a difficult two years. I am writing to ask if there are rules of etiquette for visiting a loved one at the cemetery? We go regularly. I decorate the area in front of her stone with holiday or seasonally appropriate decorations. Other family members and friends visit as well, and most leave little trinkets or fresh flowers that I pick up and throw away when they wither, or bring home and put in our daughter's room.

My problem is, one family member opens cards that have been left there for my daughter, and puts all sorts of cheap decorations around her grave. Recently, they put decorations directly on her gravestone which left large stains. We are now left searching for a professional to remove them, or her stone will need to be replaced.

I'm beside myself. This is where I go to talk to my daughter to feel closer to her. It took a year for her stone to be set. I took my time choosing just the right etchings and picture, and it's a stone befitting our beautiful angel. Would it be wrong to set rules as to what people can and can't leave when visiting my daughter's final resting place? Can I tell someone they are no longer welcome to visit? -- PROTECTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your daughter. I hope the relative who damaged her headstone apologized for it and volunteered to pay for the services of the professional cleaner. If not, you should suggest it. And while you are at it, you can also explain what kind of mementos you feel are appropriate at the gravesite.

Understand, however, that while you have the right to state your preferences, unless there's a guard watching your daughter's final resting place, there's no guarantee they will be respected.

DEAR ABBY: We all meet acquaintances and say, "Let's grab dinner." We intend to follow through but forget. A while back, my wife and I made a list of 10 other couples we would like to get to know better and organized a group dinner. On the third Saturday of each month, a couple hosts the group at a restaurant.

We don't meet in homes or in December, and, yes, sometimes only six couples attend, but it's often all of us. This is our 25th year, and we have not missed a month. During COVID we gathered by Zoom. It's not about the food -- it's about a caring group of friends sharing with each other. Abby, I thought you might want to print this to inspire others. -- ONE HOST IN INDIANA

DEAR HOST: I think the lesson here is that someone has to be proactive and actually make plans rather than settle for good intentions. You did everyone, including yourself, a tremendous favor. Loneliness and isolation are serious problems for many.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

Our New Groups Email Addresses

? Post:?mailto:[email protected]

? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected]

? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected]

? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected]

? Help:?mailto:[email protected]

PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Previous Topic Next Topic

开云体育

Daily Clean Jokes for March 18, 2025

More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

r