Daily Clean Jokes for March 19, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for March 19, 2025? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? During medical school there's a rut That the student is in.??She thinks what ????????????If the test I don't pass ????????????To be surgeon???The lass Aced the test, so the gal?made?the?cut. ? Jim, Gary, Carol, Dick, Grover, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller ?? -----? ?? Kirk's Puns He had a novel way of writing fiction. ? "I saw Pinocchio last night!??Not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"??"You're joking!"??"Nope, I wooden kid you!" ? My brother quit his job at the salt and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal. ? As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him.??He fell through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.??Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.??A neighbor happened to witness this, and hurried over to check on the man.??He was alive, but badly hurt.??The paramedics were called, and he was taken to the hospital in agony.??The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.??On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.??"What?" exclaimed the man. "You are going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"??"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We are arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit.??That is a clear case of illegal eaves dropping." ? Kirk Miller ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Humorous Quotes of the Day:? What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ...?mighty scarce.?-- Mark Twain By all means, marry,? If you get a good wife, you'll?become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a?philosopher.??-- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a?jury.?-- Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Funny One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.? ? ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Our anniversary was approaching, so when my husband told me that he had booked a "tee" time for Sunday at 10 a.m., I was delighted. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? 1. Riddle:?What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? 2. Riddle:?What does a house wear? 3. Riddle:?Where would you take a sick boat? 4. Riddle:?I give milk and I have a horn, but I’m not a cow. What am I? 5. Riddle:?Why did the fly never land on the computer? ? Received from Funny Riddles ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ?1.??My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40" 2.??I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 3.??My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. 4.? What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 5.? How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One ... or two? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. --- What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. --- What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. --- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I had some words for my wife...
----- A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man. ----- ?Thought Of The Day:??Have You Ever Noticed “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”?— George Carlin Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)". ----- A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." ----- Airport Mistletoe Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.""That's not why it's there."(pause)"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?""It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." ----- Physical Training Job A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field. "You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving." The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead. So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing. He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly. The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!" But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground. The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!" But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him. Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!" But to his dismay, nothing works. Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground. He stands over the fallen soldier and says: "Tankity tank-tank." ----- ore Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- A patient (Shane Gillis) recognizes his doctor (Emil Wakim) as a middle school classmate and takes him on a walk down memory lane. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Funny Riddles 1.? Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 2.? What ended in 1896? 3.? What is the greatest force on earth? 4. Explain what hard water is? 5.? To change centimeter to meter you ... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Answers 1.? At the bottom. 2.? 1895 3. No not love, it's gravity 4.? Ice 5.. Take out centi. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D.? A Listerine ad from the 1950s claimed bad breath can damage a happy marriage. Thankfully, we now know that bad breath is one of those subtle signs that you are not living as young as you could and you may be speeding up your chances of developing chronic conditions that put a damper on health, happiness -- and longevity. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?
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| - March 10, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went for our annual checkups seven months ago. We were both overweight and told by our respective doctors that we needed to make some lifestyle changes to improve our health. Since that time, I have made the needed changes. As a result, I have lost 40 pounds, and all of my vitals are in a healthy range. My wife has not made any changes. There has been no weight loss, and she has to take medication for a couple of issues. While I have made sacrifices, she has made excuses. I love her dearly, but I am very frustrated. I have been positive and encouraging, but it doesn't seem to help. We are both at an age at which we need to take our health seriously. This isn't about looks or appearance; it's about health. I really want us to have long and healthy lives together. If there is any advice you can provide, I am open to hearing it. -- FITTER IN INDIANA DEAR FITTER: Other than modeling healthy exercise and eating habits for your wife, there is nothing you can do to force her off the trajectory she is on. Changing one's lifestyle (or not) is a personal choice. Motivation has to come from within, and she has to be determined to make the effort. Her doctor, not you, should discuss making those changes with her and the reasons for it. Even small changes can make a big difference. DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old great-granddaughter, "Emma." She's beautiful, smart, happy and just wonderful. Her dad, my grandson, and her mother are no longer together, but they share custody. My grandson has since gotten together with Baby Mama No. 2 and has two other children with her. Emma's life has not been the easiest because of the fighting and disagreements. Her mother is also with another man and has other children. Her mom's boyfriend is not nice to Emma. My grandson is trying to get full custody of her. Emma is bright and intelligent. I would like to talk to her about independence and not depending on any man to support her. I know at 7 she's still too young to understand. What is a good age to teach her independence and how to provide for herself, and rather than "need" a man, it's healthier to be with someone without depending on him? -- HER "GEE-GEE" IN COLORADO DEAR "GEE-GEE": This is not a one-time lesson you are trying to convey. It's a lifelong process. The first thing you should do is become a role model for Emma. Expose her to books and videos about women who are independent, building careers and lives for themselves rather than depending upon a man. Then teach her self-respect. If you do, those are lessons she will take with her into adulthood. |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
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