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Daily Clean Jokes for March 29, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Prison warden decides to pre-empt Belly dancers before they attempt To do entertainment For the convicts, which meant That the dancers were charged with con-tempt. Jim, Lee, Carol, Bill, Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The only way to do great work is to love what you do." - Steve Jobs. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A WOOL FUNNY The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?" [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don't allow that in bowling. I know that now. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" ----- A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Will you tell me a joke? A young man joined the army. On the first day of Basic Training, the DI told the new recruits “Due to budget cuts, we cannot afford to give you a rifle. Instead, we’ll give you a stick. You are to point your stick at the target and yell ‘BANGITY-BANG!’” So that’s what they did all day. BANGITY-BANG! BANGITY-BANG! The next day the DI told them: “We also cannot afford bayonets, so you will duct tape this plastic fork to the end of your stick, then you will run up to the target and yell ‘STABBITY-STAB!’” So that’s what they did all day. STABBITY-STAB! STABBITY-STAB! Unfortunately, on the next day, war broke out. Fortunately, both sides were similarly afflict

Daily Clean Jokes for March 28, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Puns are quite universal; it's true. They're not targeted for just a few. Puns are told near and far 'Round the world 'cause they are Meant for children and for groan-ups, too. Conrad, Bill, Erika, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ----- Puns Kirk is playing a game of catch-up with his love interest, using various idioms and physical gestures to express his affection, while also considering a practical joke. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. · Groucho Marx I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. · Will Rogers. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Food for Thought Ever heard of this one? "I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough." It's not just a clever play on words, it's also a subtle commentary on our motivations in life. We often do jobs not because we love them, but because we 'knead the dough.' It's a lighthearted way to reflect on our choices and priorities. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Frog "Funny" Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began but no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!" The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. He just wouldn't give up! At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal. It turned out that the winner was deaf. >>>Today's Thot Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible.' Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tim Allen Quotes Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together. Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot." A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Man is the only animal to borrow tools. Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction! They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A t

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Daily Clean Jokes for March 26, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limerick of the Day Long term contracts the wait staff condemn. The café makes them sign, so mayhem They do hope to avoid And they won't be annoyed, 'Cause the waiters will not dessert them. Carol got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Puns I know a woman who owned a taser; man was she stunning. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Excuse Funny John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!" ----- I got myself a Senior GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry Pratchett Quotes When you look into the abyss, it's not supposed to wave back. Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall the universe and reboot. It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. In the beginning, there was nothing--which exploded. Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order because it is better organized. He's out of his depth on a wet pavement. Just because things are obvious doesn't mean they're true. Two types of people laugh at the law: those who break it and those who make it. It is often said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. This is, in fact, true--it's called living. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. Adventure! People talk about the idea as if it were something worthwhile rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep, and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects into bits of you. There is always time for another last minute. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side “Look, a flock of cows!!” “Herd of cows,” “Yeah, I have; there’s a flock of them over there.” ----- A priest, an imam, and a rabbit are donating blood. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo” Received from Reddit Clean. _____________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 25, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks Clumsy man had a bad transgression, And the source of his indiscretion Is he tripped and then fell In wet concrete. I tell Folks the man left a bad impression. Carol, Conrad, Bill, Dickhead, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today’s Clean Pun: The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands. Quote of the Day: Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags. Today’s One-Liner: The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you. Daily Trivia Since today is Veteran's Day let's take a look at some interesting military facts. Today's Random Fact: The rockets mentioned in "The Star Spangled Banner" were less effective than bombs. They had a shorter range and were so inaccurate that they had to be abandoned as weapons after the War of 1812. Not until World War II did rockets become important again. Bonus Fact: The Pentagon is the world's largest office building, a city in itself. With an area of 6,500,00 square feet the Pentagon has a Main Street lined with shops, restaurants and its own post office. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Paddy Funny Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." >>>Today's Thot Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Real rocks are too heavy. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Enlistment Questions Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Someone Who Understands Bob Weber, past president of Kiwanis International, told this story. He had spoken to a club in a small town and was spending the night with a farmer on the outskirts of the community. He had just relaxed on the front porch when a newsboy delivered the evening paper. The boy noted the sign "Puppies for Sale". The boy got off his bike and said to the farmer, "How much do you want for the pups, mister?" "Twenty-five dollars, son." The boy's face dropped. "Well, sir, could I at least see them anyway?" The farmer whistled, and in a moment the mother dog came bounding around the corner of the house tagged by four of the cute puppies, wagging their tails and yipping happily. At last, another pup came straggling around the house, dragging one hind leg. "What's the matter with that puppy, mister?" the boy asked. "Well, Son, that puppy is crippled. We took her to the vet and the doctor took an X ray. The pup doesn't have a hip joint and that leg will never be right." To the amazement of both men, the boy dropped the bike, reached for his collection bag and took out a fifty-cent piece. "Please, mister," the boy pleaded,

Daily Clean Jokes for March 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "From his office, my dentist has been On vacation," I said with a grin. "So my cavity's not Fixed by him, who I sought, But by someone who's just filling in." Conrad, Jim, Bill, Carol, Dickhead, Grover, Chris got it. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons. I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on. The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.” ----- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time. ----- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Child sent to bed A small boy is sent to bed by his father ... [Five minutes later] "Da-ad ..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad ..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY .. .Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD ..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" ----- Guests for dinner The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!" ----- Things mom taught me ... My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOUR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favourite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then y

ADaily Clean Jokes for March 22, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "When insomnia strikes, it sure bites," Said King Arthur's court members. Their plights Were quite far from the best, And as you might have guessed, Were resulting in some sleepless knights. Lee, Erika, Chris, Conrad, Carol, Jim, Dick, Lars got it. ----- Mom and dad, please do not be errant. Teach your kids; that should be inherent. You readily should see Responsibility Falls on you. It is just apparent. https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun Number One: A Twist on a Classic Remember the old joke, "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!" Now, let's give it a twist. "Why was the math book also happy? Because it had solutions to all its problems!" This pun not only gives you a chuckle, but it also reminds us that every problem comes with a solution. Or, in other words, there's always a silver lining in every situation. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "In adversity we tend to doubt God's fatherly care, but in prosperity we tend to forget it. If we are to trust God, we must acknowledge our dependence upon him at all times, good times as well as bad times." -- Jeff Bridges _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday. I asked her, "How small?" She replied, "Just you, me, and the principal." ----- Murphy's Laws on Computers - As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it. - Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one. - You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all. - The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up. - There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet. - Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it. ----- Unforgettable Grandma I still have my late grandmother in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day. Received from Pastor Tim's Cybersalt Digest. ----- Helping the Lost A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home." Only in games and tests can we delay helping the lost. Received from Featured Illustrations. These are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a speech. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic; the point of them is the point you make with them. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Nun Runs Amok! Doctor's Cure is Hilariously Unorthodox! A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it. "Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!" "Oh

Daily Clean Jokes for March 21, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Kirk's Limerick Turnpike drivers received email poll. My response was quite true, rather droll. I said everyone sees Your exorbitant fees Are so high they are taking a toll. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Dick, Chris got it. ----- There's a handyman, name is Rocky, Who fills houses' small gaps in Milwaukee Using sealant. He's bold And conceited. I'm told That his attitude is real caulky. Jim, Conrad, Lars, Dick, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns We were going on a hike in Virginia, and could hike along a trail where General Robert E. Lee spread his troops to stop a Yankee invasion, or around a lake in which Thomas Jefferson once swam. We decided to take the path of Lee's resistance. In ancient Rome, workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is, except smoked salmon. That was the world's first anti-lox breaks. It is 2019 and Romeo Beckham is turning out to play for Manchester United for the first time. He says to his dad, "What number should I wear?" David thinks for a while, then says, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." I reached into my back pocket for a chaw of tobacco and discovered my can was missing. I suppose it's possible I lost the dang thing, but I couldn't help suspecting I'd been the victim of some kind of Skoal duggery. The college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck was grading papers on a curve. ----- Real Women https://www.wimp.com/a-different-point-of-view-on-beauty/ ----- Just Add Water https://studyfinds.org/bandage-chronic-wound-healing/ Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. -- Ann Landers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one. Received from Tom Kick. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Salute Funny The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige. When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant. He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir." >>>Today's Thot My friend plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week. She's going to call it Best By. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Set for Life A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "Yo

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for March 20, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks IQ tests have created suspense In the town, so I guess it makes sense That if scores are quite low, Then the people should know That the town's population is dense. Jim, Conrad, Grover, Carol, Lee, Chris, Bill, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day Message Body That bimbo is such a poor poker player I could probably beat her blonde folded. After serving faithfully for 30 years at his Fort Knox guard post, Albert finally reached the mandatory retirement age. What did they give him? A gold watch. Although she'd sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy. Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice. Several elderly nuns were on the second floor of the convent when a fire broke out. The nuns calmly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window to safety. When they were on the ground, a reporter asked them, "Weren't you afraid the rope might break since the material is so old?" "Heavens, no," said one of the nuns, "Old habits are hard to break." Kirk Miller ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Hunt Funny Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year." The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year." >>>Today's Thot My twin brother called me from prison. He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?" Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Does God Hear? A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." "And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?" Received from Monday Fodder via GCFL. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. What’s a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and squeak 2. Why are all elephants console gamers? ‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse 3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse? Pip, squeak 4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant 5. What mouse leaves blue marks everywhere? A bluetooth mouse Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 19, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks During medical school there's a rut That the student is in. She thinks what If the test I don't pass To be surgeon? The lass Aced the test, so the gal made the cut. Jim, Gary, Carol, Dick, Grover, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns He had a novel way of writing fiction. "I saw Pinocchio last night! Not the movie, the real Pinocchio!" "You're joking!" "Nope, I wooden kid you!" My brother quit his job at the salt and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself. Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves. A neighbor happened to witness this, and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called, and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier. "What?" exclaimed the man. "You are going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?" "Oh no," replied the policeman. "We are arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That is a clear case of illegal eaves dropping." Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes of the Day: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry, If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Funny One-Liners: 1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. 5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS ~ Every time I went, they asked me for money. ~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly. ~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all. ~ The coach never came to call on me. ~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree. ~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing. ~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home. ~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before. ~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things. ~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. ~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow. ~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. >>>Today's Thot I'm about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for March 18, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you give alcohol a good-bye And decide that hard drugs you will try, I will hasten to tell That it won't turn out well, Because then you'll be left high and dry. Jim, Carol, Dick, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns An election year is when the air is filled with speeches, and vice versa. Those who eat candy with both hands are ambi-dextrose. Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." During that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee. If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself. When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause. Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Humorous Quotes of the Day: Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. -- Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere -- Billy Crystal ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Steven Wright's One-Liners for Today: I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. What’s another word for Thesaurus? If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Carpool Funny It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there. He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!" The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, before John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road. When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience. Just as he started to recount the whole story, she interrupted him, saying, "Oh, that reminds me, John. Do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?" >>>Today's Thot The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe trail guide was not the best career after all. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stopped for Speeding A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over. The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five." She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old." Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Squeaky Clean Jokes Why did the mouse wash its fur? Because it wanted to be squeaky clean! ? What do you call a mouse that can sing? A squeaky diva! ? How does a mouse stay in shape? It goes to the cheese gym! ? Why did the mous

Monday Cartoons ... apologies for the delay Yesterday's Missing Agnus

Daily Clean Jokes for March 16, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limerick To Las Vegas, casinos entice The old man with his big gambling vice. Though he wanted to go, I suppose that you know That his wife told her husband, "No dice!" Jim, Conrad, Erika, Dickhead, Bill, Lars, Carol, Grover, Lee, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. -- Joe Namath ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris. How does NASA organize a party? They planet. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day for March: What do you call a group of cars sitting in a parking lot with their engines running on March 15? The idles of March Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession. Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole. It was noted that BEA WEARS THE HIDES OF MARJ. Two parents were discussing the relative merits of playground equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides." Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!" Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into apiculture. He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of his friends. Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar, went to visit him in his apiary one spring day, but was unable to locate the bee colonies. He did, however, encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a nearby flower, so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where are the hives of March?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Not so Nice Yo momma so fat, you can throw a rock in any direction and still hit her. Your momma so fat that wherever she sits in a room she is sitting next to you.. When she sits around the house she really sits AROUND the house Can we stop making fun of fat people, please? They have enough on their plate already. Received from Accomplished Pen. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How to Give Your Cat a Pill I. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under the sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under the bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1. except when you have cat firmly cradled in the bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper

Daily Clean Jokes for Thursday, March 15, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: At the cheese plant, we all had to flee From explosions they didn’t foresee. At the end of the day, Heard a newscaster say That the only thing left was de Brie. (Kirk Miller) Quote of the Day: "I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" -- Dave Barry Today's One-Liner: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Quick Jokes A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like 1this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ----- I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, "Pardon me for not standing." Received from Laugh & Lift ----- Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility. My parents had remote control in the 1950s. Here’s how it worked: “Son, go change to channel 4, would you please?” Received from Conrad Macina. Clean Laffs "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. It's always fun when people who can't stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won't have to see each other for a whole year. It's like international Thanksgiving." -- Craig Ferguson "Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth 'Bourne Identity' movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college." -- Jimmy Fallon "Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing." -- Seth Meyers ----- After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one. By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?" Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him. Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out. The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. "His name is Tiny," replies the man. "Why do you call him that?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" Received from Clean Laffs Charm School Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman rep

Daily Clean Jokes for December 14, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks "My new relish invention," said Mum, "Has been selling quite well. I've become Very wealthy. You see I'm financially free, And it's now my main sauce of income." ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. We never will run out of math teachers because they always multiply. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. I had a nice German Christmas cake, but can’t find it now. It’s stollen. ----- Kirk's Video of the Day: https://www.wimp.com/teacher-reads-some-pretty-insane-parent-requests/ Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures - it's my face. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: If you see a married couple still in love through the years, you may think how lucky they are. But in marital relations, there is no such thing as luck. They made many compromises, they overlooked each other's faults. They forgave many mistakes and endured many problems. They spent years learning to understand one another. Love has never been a matter of luck. It's mutual giving, compromise, shared dreams, care, respect, mercy and patience. - Unknown ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Drum Funny A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo. Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums." As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!" Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!" [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Smarter Salesperson In a department store, a difficult customer and a remarkably patient sales associate were struggling to find common ground. Nothing the associate suggested seemed to be good enough. Finally, the finicky shopper huffed in frustration, "Isn't there someone smarter who can assist me?" "No," the associate replied. "The smarter one saw you coming and made a quick exit." Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically stuck his arm out the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear: "Young man ... you keep both hands on the wheel ... I'll tell you when it's raining!" Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dalmation Role A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngst

Daily Clean Jokes for March 13, 2025 Kirk's Limericks At a mime class reunion, don't botch What you do, always acting top-notch. If you hear any noise, Just ignore; keep your poise. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. Jim, Bill, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: Two crooks bought a hotel. They were inn mates. You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. He bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Entertaining Guests After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." A Brief History Of Medicine 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Actual Answer from a Medical Student While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.” ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: https://fb.watch/xW8edkmtgj/ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't judge a book by it's cover. A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Computer Funny If every computer were replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch: 1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time rea

Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for March 12, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk Miller I had hoped the café would perhaps Show their trick to prevent some prolapse Of burritos they sold, But the manager told Me the secret was kept under wraps. Conrad, Bill, Jim got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye. The price of shingles is going through the roof. Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibility of a unique teaching position. On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story. "Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked. "Not initially." Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Snail Funny A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them! A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?" The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast." >>>Today's Thot My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Delivery My normally petite wife grew extremely large during her pregnancy with our second child. By her ninth month she had become accustomed to a lot of attention and good-natured teasing. One day, just before the baby was due, she went to the post office. Watching her waddle up to his window, the postal clerk quipped, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can help you here." Without missing a beat, my wife responded, "But I thought you delivered!" Received from GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish? — A pair of swimming trunks. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? — Elephino. What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant? — A dead ant. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? — A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stephen Wright has some great short jokes: "I once bought som

Daily Clean Jokes for March 11, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Mouse: "I hear you volunteered at the monastery's food festival today." Pig: "Yeah, I cooked the fried chicken, but I got grease on my pants" Mouse: "What's wrong with that?" Pig: "When I went to change them, I tripped and fell on one of the monks." Mouse: "So it went from bad to worse?" Pig: "From out of the frying pants into the friar." (Pearls Before Swine: Stephen Pastis) Quote of the Day: Beware of half-truths ... you may get the wrong half. Today's One-Liner: Doubt not your wife`s wisdom, ... look who she married. !! I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, Hon." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Joan Keyser Top Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty By Charles M. Sevilla Ask if you can listen to your iPod during the trial. Propose to the defendant. When the person says, "No," reply: "Well I know how I'll be voting." Apply for a job at the court that wants to hire you as a juror. Start a Conga line with the other jurors. Wear 3-D glasses. Mimic everything the defense lawyer does. Please note: this will not only get you excused, it will also get you a psychological evaluation. Refer to the judge as Big Daddy. When they use big words like, homicide, act like you need to look it up in the dictionary. Show up dressed in a clown suit. During the prosecution's opening statements stand up and yell, "That's enough for me, let's hang 'em." Ask the judge where they keep the salad bar. During the trial read a book. Every now and then look up and say, "You don't say." When you go out to dinner tell the waiter, "Don't worry the judge is picking up the tab." Every day come dressed as a different member of the Walt Disney family so that you'll stand out in the artist sketches. Keep winking at the defense lawyer. Insist that the lawyers pipe the theme music from Perry Mason into the court room before the trial starts. Ask the judge if they allow cameras in the court room because you would really like to take pictures. Have a pizza delivered to the witness stand. Call several publishers and say you might have a book deal. During deliberations use the phrase, "Eeeny, Meany, Miney, Moe." When the defense lawyer starts his case stand up and yell, "I object." Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs "IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." -- Jay Leno "Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, 'What's that?' I said, 'This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew.'" -- Dave Letterman "Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day, but it's all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'" *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" anoth

Daily Clean Jokes for March 10, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks On Sunday we got to spring time Ahead at the two o'clock chime. You set our clock early, And then you were surely Known as ahead of our time. Daylight Saving Time really is bright. We defer until later the night. With more daylight for me, I presume that you see In our household, it's called Miller Light. - Kirk Miller Why settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: My bowling league meets every Monday, and I play terribly every time, and it always pisses me off. My team says I have irritable bowl syndrome. Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side. An auctioneer often looks forbidding. A carpenter is a shelf made man. When he tripped and fell in the wet concrete, he left a bad impression. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Decision Funny A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it. "Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied. Confused, the king asked, "Yet?" To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision." >>>Today's Thot I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Driving Too Young The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him. The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys." The sermon continued undisturbed... after a good laugh by the congregation. Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?” Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side And that's how the fight started ... One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I boughimilt you last year!" And that's how the fight started ... Similarly: Wife to husband: “Last year we bought my mother a chair for Christmas. What should we do this year?” “Electrify it.” Received from Conrad Macina. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________