开云体育

Daily Clean Jokes for March 3, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Origami show's one that I knew Would be televised, but I did rue What I found on TV. Wasn't able to see The world championship; it's paper view. Lee, Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The price of shingles is going through the roof. An archaeologist's career ended in ruins. If a town's people have low IQs, is the population dense? Thirsty jokers can be seen waiting in the punch line. In medical school, he worried about passing as a surgeon, but he made the cut. ----- Government Efficiency https://youtu.be/PokG301G02c ----- Stunning Aurora https://www.wimp.com/stunning-aurora-seen-from-the-space-station/ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the best joke you have recently heard? An FBI agent goes to deliver a warrant to search the premises of this country bumkin. The agent knocks on the door and an old and weathered-looking man of about sixty-five answers. The agent says, "I have a warrant to search the property" and shows the old guy the warrant. The old guy looks it over and says, "Very well, you can search anywhere you wish, but don't go behind the barn. Besides, it's locked to prevent intruders from entering." The FBI agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this badge? Along with this warrant, it gives me the right to search any part of this property I see fit. Do not tell me where I can and I cannot search ... "Do you understand me" in an authoritative voice. "I will do whatever is necessary to complete my investigation, again, do you understand me?" This time even more forceful. The old timer says, "Yeah I understand, loud and clear, you can do whatever you want on my property and I got nothing to say about it." The FBI agent says, "Good, as long as we understand each other" and walks away with an air of superiority. About five minutes pass and the old geezer hears: "Help, help me, God please help me!!" And the old guy runs as fast as he can to the cries for help, and upon approach, the FBI agent is on top of the fence that he breached because the door was locked and with a hundred and fifty pound Rottweiler tugging at the agent's arm that is wielding a gun and trying its level best to tear it off. The old guy continues forward yelling, "Show him your badge and warrant, show him your badge and warrant!!" As seen at Quora Jokes. __________________________________________________________________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer ... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. As seen at Poetic Expressions. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Too Tired To Think 8am: Too tired to think. Noon: Too tired to think. 5pm: Too tired to think. Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles? ----- Duck, Duck, Goose Bob and George are golfing, when a bird flies overhead. "Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goos

Daily Clean Jokes for March 2, 2025 Kirk's Limerick A cosmologist friend of mine, Matt, Said this weekend that he'll get to chat In a meeting about Some black holes. There's no doubt I would hate to get sucked into that. Lee, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ------ The cannibal's cookbook titled "How to Better Serve your Fellow Man" was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids. At first I hated my haircut, but now it's growing on me. The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent. It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pastor Tim A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!" ----- Today's One-Liner The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades. ----- Quote of the Day "Do what makes you happy, because when you die, your job will be posted before your obituary." - Unknown ----- Antsy Antics Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they're tenants ----- This week it is extra important for me to get everything typed up and ready because later tonight the men's group from our church is going to an ax and knife throwing business. It's so much easier to type while I have all my fingers! Today's video share is of a 3 year-old violinist: it was just too cute to not share! Click here to watch. ----- Vicar's Surprise A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, fil

Kirk's Limericks At a mime class reunion, don't botch What you do, always acting top-notch. If you hear any noise, Just ignore; keep your poise. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. Jim, Bill, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: Two crooks bought a hotel. They were inn mates. You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. He bent over to pick up a sieve, and strained himself. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Entertaining Guests After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." A Brief History Of Medicine 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Actual Answer from a Medical Student While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.” ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: https://fb.watch/xW8edkmtgj/ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Confucious say, man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Don't judge a book by it's cover. A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Received from Reddit. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What’s a Pirates favourite cheese? Chedd-AAR. There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France… all that was left was de brie. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. What do cheese salesmen sa

Daily Clean Jokes for February 28, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Lexicographer friend said that she Will attend her group's meeting. I plea For a favor from her. She agrees and says, "Sure." I ask, "Put in a good word for me?" Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A dozen swimmers started a race at the stroke of twelve. Did you hear about paratrooper who was unable to jump? He never could explane himself. The vice squad busted the exotic dancers at the topless club, and business came to a grinding halt. How do chess players start a story? Once a pawn a time . . . If you watched the old Bewitched TV show . . . One day last Wiccan I wanted to have sects with a witch. I heard they give Moorehead and I Wanda-ed if this was true. After a spell I went over to cauldron Ms. Montgomery to get Samanthas. When I got there her gates Endoras warlocked so I figured I'd be Darrin and climb innuendo. The place was a mess. It was simply a Paul Lynde. It looked like the brick coven had exploded. I thought to myself, "This is spooky. Alice Ghostley and Serena in here, and quite for Lorne." I think Elizabeth and Sargent York had broken up because there was a message scrawled on the wall. "My divorce bewitch you." ----- Does Congress Deserve Raises? Babylon Bee Is there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don't get raises, sometimes for years. Well, we're compassionate for the less fortunate here at The Babylon Bee, so we've put together this list of the eight best reasons that members of Congress deserve a hefty raise right away: 1. It was a rough year for insider trading: It's been a difficult time for many in Washington. 2. Ukraine kickbacks might be ending in a couple months: Congress should get a little raise to help them through these unprecedented times. 3. The costs of coke orgies are through the roof nowadays: A simple bump in pay will help Congressmen maintain their simple coke orgy lifestyle. 4. Their jobs are much harder than those lazy bums at the Supreme Court: Those people have time to star in Broadway productions, for goodness' sake. 5. Some people (we don't know who) passed insane spending bills that caused inflation: Whoever did this to us is terrible. But either way, Congress needs more money to survive in this economic crisis that some unknown culprits caused. 6. Their approval rating is probably super high: Raises should be tied to job performance, and it's clear that Congress is doing a really good job performance. 7. If they don't get raises, they'll take bribes instead: A great point. 8. It costs, like, $45,000 to go to the movies now: Even lowly public servants like Congressmen should be able to afford the simple pleasures in life. Are you convinced that the good people in Congress are getting cheated out of well-deserved raises? If you're not, you should be. Call your representative now and demand he give himself a raise. ----- 2025 Predictions https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2025 Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?". ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I Need a Raise I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 27, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks If it's icy and bitterly cold Or it's blazingly hot, I am told Spending most of the day At a place where I'll play. It's a golf course, a site to be holed. I was watching a movie while blending A martini. The film was contending How the drink came to be. I'm surprised, didn't see What would happen. There was a twist ending. ----- In their split-level Alaskan home, Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome; Their kids always knew, As you do now, too, "Mom" and "Dad" were the best Palindrome! (Chris Gross) There was a chess player, high-rated, Who hardly ever had mated. Oh, he won every game, The board made his fame; But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster. His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down. The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate type-O's. There is no short-cut to becoming a hair stylist. A doctor drank while putting on patients' casts. He soon was plastered. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Music Director During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." Received from The Daily Groaner via GCF: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Golf Funny "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." >>>Today's Thot Q: What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while. Received From Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." _______________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 26, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There were burglars in my community Who were brazen, stole with impunity. Doors and windows they shook Because they're on the look For some windows of opportunity. Grover and Chris got it. - ---- The new pope was disseminating Rules which seemed to be irritating To some Catholics who I informally knew. They complained he's pontificating. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- A Whale of a Tale A kayaker was eaten by a humpback whale and then spit out. Here is the story along with a video that shows the man being eaten. https://www.upworthy.com/man-swallowed-by-humpback-whale Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SCIENCE FAIR RESPONSES Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests: - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. - The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. - Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. - A monsoon is a French gentleman. - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. - When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. - For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. >>>Today's Thot Man, I had the slowest, rudest, nastiest cashier today. That's the last time I use the self-checkout lane. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Soup One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully. A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand. Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?" Received from Clean Laffs.via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven. ----- Quote of the Day "For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?" ~John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America, 1961 ----- Toasting to Long Life & Sweet Treets "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." - An Irish Toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup." - A French toast. ----- Early Rising Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You w

Daily Clean Jokes for February 25, 2025 Kirk's Limericks In their split-level Alaskan home, Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome; Their kids always knew, As you do now, too, "Mom" and "Dad" were the best Palindrome! (Chris Gross) I was watching a movie while blending A martini. The film was contending How the drink came to be. I'm surprised, didn't see What would happen. There was a twist ending. (Kirk Miller) If it's icy and bitterly cold Or it's blazingly hot, I am told Spending most of the day At a place where I'll play. It's a golf course, a site to be holed. (Kirk Miller) There was a chess player, high-rated, Who hardly ever had mated. Oh, he won every game, The board made his fame; But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PUN OF THE DAY Music Director During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." Received from The Daily Groaner _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Haiku du jour: A hungry robber Stole an egg from a diner. Then he ate it poached Chris Gross ----- This time eggs will be The toilet paper of bird flu epidemic. GR _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Toucan Yell Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. "Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton. Received from aJokeADay.com____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Equating Lawyers If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quick Quotes "I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India." -- Jay Leno ----- Just got my electric bill. When you come to my house, please bring a flashlight. ----- Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." (Bill Dyson) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and d

Daily Clean Jokes for February 24, 2025 Kirk's Limerick An old jogger had track star daughter. When she got dirty shoes, he taught her How to get them real clean. Many times she had seen Dad wash shoes using running water. Jim, Grover, Carol, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move twenty six cars return to class." =========================== Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm trying to reach the next station before I run out." ============================ While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge." =========================== No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ============================ On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a couple of blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?" ============================ To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner." ============================= A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ JUST LIKE DAVE A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, you would too, if you'd married his widow." ________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 23, 2025 The two nuclear techs are crowing At their wedding that love's still growing. The attendees can see It is true; they agree. Bride is radiant; groom is glowing. Carol, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Millerhttps://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- NFL Satire Jets Announce Plan To Keep Losing But Without Aaron Rodgers Sports·Feb 13, 2025 · BabylonBee.com FLORHAM PARK, NJ — A changing of the guard was on the horizon in the NFL, as the New York Jets announced that the team had officially decided to keep losing all their games but without quarterback Aaron Rodgers. The Jets struggled to win games on their way to a 5-12 record in 2024, leading the team to the conclusion that it was time to move on from Rodgers and continue losing games in 2025 with a different quarterback. "It's time for us to find another quarterback to lead us to defeat," said newly hired Head Coach Aaron Glenn. "We appreciate Aaron Rodgers and the work he put in to help this team come up short, but the NFL is all about constantly evolving and finding new players to help the team achieve its goals. We wish him the best. Plus, my name is Aaron. I can't have a quarterback named Aaron. That's weird." Jets executives assured fans that the organization was already hard at work searching for its next quarterback to lose games. "Jet Nation can be confident that they'll see the same results on the field no matter who is under center," said new General Manager Darren Mougey. "We may be moving on from Aaron Rodgers, but we will look at all options available through free agency and the draft to find a new quarterback who will continue our long tradition of losing games." At publishing time, the Las Vegas Raiders were said to already be gauging Rodgers's interest in joining their roster due to his recent experience in leading teams to disappointing seasons. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Landing Check I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked. "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow." ----- Today's One-Liner I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age. ----- Surviving in Style: The Art of Bare Minimum "Do just enough to get by." - Mediocretes ----- Someone Else's Obituary Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do t

Daily Clean Jokes for February 22, 2025 ... Washington's Birthday I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!" ----- A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did you learn in algebra class today, son?" "Well, I learned Pi R Squared," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think I am stupid, but everybody knows that pies are round." ----- On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, dad, he doesn't recognize me." ----- I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team's expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat. The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision's not too good." ----- Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" ----- The waitress called out to the restaurant manager, "There's baseball umpire on the telephone. He wants to make dinner reservations for himself and two friends. The manager told her to hang up, "It's a prank call. There's no such thing as a baseball umpire with two friends." ----- Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters are sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn babe." Rather amazed by Slim's response, his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A newborn babe???" "Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants." ----- It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move twenty-six cars return to class." ----- Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm trying to reach the next station before I run out." ----- While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge." ----- No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ----- On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a couple of blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the driver.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 21, 2025 Kirk's Limericks At the beauty school, her confession: She once missed a class. Her transgression Means she won't graduate. That will be the gal's fate 'Til she goes to a makeup session. Conrad. Chris, Jim got it. When at middle age, women feel blahs. They perceive that from menfolk, it draws Some weird looks in men's eyes That they cannot disguise. And the truth is it gives men a pause. ----- In the candy store, boss will inflict A hard punch if you fight; he is strict. When a couple of fools Didn't follow the rules, Boss hit both. The two suckers got licked. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: A friend of mine lost his job as a postman. He just wasn’t delivering the goods. Why don’t Marxists drink Earl Grey? They believe proper tea is theft. My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue her. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Sofa Funny A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the apartment because it got stuck in the door. After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, "I think we'll have to call it a day. There's no way we're getting it inside." The neighbor looks at him slowly, "Wait, INSIDE?" >>>Today's Thot It's good to have self-confidence. It's even better to have a reason for it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What's the funniest joke you know? Please, I need to laugh. No seriously I am on the verge of crying my soul out of my eyes. A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. ----- Why did the computer get cold? Too many windows were open!! Or you could say because it froze!! Take your pick!! ----- A wealthy young man got sideswiped while driving his gold-plated Lamborghini. When the officer arrived, the man was standing and yelling about all the damage to the left side of his car. “My car!!! Look what happened to my beautiful car!!!” The officer looked at him incredulously and said, ”YOUR CAR??!! Your whole left arm is missing!!!!” The young man look down and cried “MY ROLEX!!!” ----- Met a guy like that at the swimming pool. Everyone called him Bob. Met a girl like that at the bottom of the pool Everyone called her Bubbles ----- A monk wants to join an extremely strict monastery. On the very first day the abbott tells him “You may only say 2 words every 10 years.” Ten years go by and the abbott asks the monk “What are your 2 words?” “Food cold” is the reply. Another ten years pass and the abbott queries the monk, “What do you have to

Daily Clean Jokes for February 20, 2025 Kirk's Limerick The obese guy said he will attend Weight loss clinic; much money he'll spend. He's given a diet, Decides he will try it. Man's too fat and is at his width's end. Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Early Morning Make-Up A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up. Her husband asked the reason. She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup." ----- Never Going Away Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw. Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever." I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago." ----- Thought Of The Day: The Test of Morality "The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children." -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hit-and-Run Hilarity: When Laughter is the Best Identifier The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Cybersalt News I was at a Chamber of Commerce meeting last evening. There was a random draw for all in attendance, the prize being a brand new washer and dryer combo. My ticket was 7 away from the winning number. I was disappointed to not win, but they did feed me brisket and chocolate cookies so in the end it was a wash! If you are a fan of Star Wars and Nostalgic Tech, you will enjoy today's video share! Click Here to Watch ~ Pastor Tim ----- Today's One-Liner I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine! ----- Today's Quote It is the life of the crystal, the architect of the flake, the fire of the frost, the soul of the sunbeam. This crisp winter air is full of it. ~John Burroughs, "Winter Sunshine" ----- My Heart Will Not be Shushed I fell for a Librarian I asked her to be mine, I said, "My love you is overdue!" And she said, "Fine." ----- Foreign Phrases - Sort of A New York magazine recently ran a contest. The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter, and then provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some of the winners: HARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys. COGITO, EGGO SUM: I think. Therefore, I am a waffle. RIGOR MOR

Daily Clean Jokes for February 19, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At the music store, crime is acute. Robber grabs something fast and does scoot. And he does it so fast, All the folks are aghast When the thief makes away with the lute. Carol, Jim, Conrad, Chris, Bill got it. Pancake Day It is Pancake Day. Mind simply slipped For my wife. She is mad, voice tone's clipped. I walked in the kitchen And really was itchin' To remark that she simply had flipped. (As the rabbit said, "We'd better all IHOP over for some!" -- Jim) Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A friend is making me a burger for dinner. I’m relishing it. Put some relish on my best pickle. It’s a big dill. I was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails. Dr Frankenstein’s resolution was to make more friends. I tried to make a reservation at the local library, but they were fully booked. ----- TRUE NEWS How Kids Learn Decision-Making Skills: Elizabeth Hill-Brodigan, the principal at Theodore Roosevelt Elementary School in Cocoa Beach, Fla., has been arrested after hosting a “White Lie Party” for nearly 200 children at her home. The kids were allegedly provided alcoholic beverages and marijuana. Kids told police the parties have been ongoing, once or twice a month, and students from multiple schools attended. An age range was not provided, but police were called to deal with drunken children fighting in the neighborhood; one teen was arrested after running a stop sign, and found to have a blood alcohol content of .118 percent. Police found a child unconscious in front of the house and called for an ambulance; Hill-Brodigan allegedly looked out on the scene and turned off the lights, which made the rescue more difficult. One video taken at the party shows children playing with a gun. Hill-Brodigan and teacher Karly Anderson were arrested, charged with child neglect and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Parents are outraged, and Cocoa Beach Police Detective Sgt. Taylor Payne said he had never seen anything like the event. And what does the school board have to say about it? “This isn’t anything new,” said Board Chair Gene Trent. “When we have thousands of employees, things happen.” (RC/WOFL Orlando) ...When they have hundreds of thousands of angry voters, recalls happen. The Wrong Body: Ryan Smith, 42, and another employee of Mid America First Call collected the body of someone who died of natural causes in Papillion, Neb. That wasn’t what made Smith’s public defender, Joseph Fabian, call it an “extremely strange situation,” or what caused Sarpy County District Court Judge Nathan Cox to sentence Smith to 90 days in jail. It was what happened later, when Smith contacted the property manager, claiming the sheriff’s office had told him to swab a life-sized — anatomically correct — doll, for “a biopsy.” The property manager refused. A short time later, the manager investigated noises at the residence and discovered the door was locked — and Smith was inside “with his clothing disheveled.” Smith left, promising to return with a warrant, but the manager didn’t wait: he called the cops. Smith pleaded no contest to theft, criminal trespassing, and impersonating an officer. Judge Cox said the theft and trespassing were issues, but “more concerning for him is the impersonating an officer.” (MS/WOWT Omaha) ...More concerning than “playing doctor” with the doll? It Was Definitely Her: “It wasn’t me,” insisted Sabrina Coyne, 34, after she was stopped by deputies from the Lee County (Fla.) Sheriff’s Office,who were investigating a disturbance — at her ex-husband’s house. The ex called 911 when he heard a window smash — because a brick was thrown through it. The forward-thinking man had security cameras, which allegedly caught clear images of his ex-wife hurling the brick into the window. Further, the brick was engraved: “First Date. Sabrina & [redacted] Jet Skiing with [redacted]. June 14, 2020.” But still, “It wasn’t me,” she said.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 18, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At a bank there's a clerk. The feller Played the Lotto; his choice was stellar. Fifty million he won. Please do pardon this pun: He is now called a fortune teller. Carol, Dick, Bill got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Puns I heard whispers coming from something that looked like a small red onion. I think it was a hoarse radish. Did you hear about the psychiatrist on a hike who fell into a depression? How did the Indians get to be the first people in America? They had reservations. The soldier took extra target practice because he aimed to improve. Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession. Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole. It was noted that . . . Bea wears the hides of Marj. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Life After Death At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where in do you think he's calling from?" Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Calming Tropical Fish Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain. Must be all the indoor-fins. ----- Navy Officer Cutting Through A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. "Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded. "No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either." ----- Thought Of The Day: If You Do It Right "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -- Mae West Received from aJokeADay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golf for Seniors How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." ----- Drinking

Daily Jokes for February 17, 2025 Kirk's Limerick When Magellan set sail, he began Three year trip 'round the world. Ferdinand Had a sense of humor. Crew had heard the rumor That their boss was the world's first strait man. Jim and Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Million Funny An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!" >>>Today's Thot I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament. But good players are really hard to find. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Camping Experience It was the first camping experience for Paul. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Paul. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Paul, "if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!" Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ----- New Neighbors My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!" Received from Clean Laffs. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Difference Between In-laws and Out-laws What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are usually wanted. ----- Don't Do It Sam Everyone told Sam not to sing... But Samsung anyway. ----- Thought Of The Day: Reality Sucks “Reality continues to ruin my life.” - Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lena's Divorce The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself." ----- For The Kids ... A noise woke me up this morning. What was that? The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you! What has? Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains! What's the differ

Daily Clean Jokes for February 16, 2025 Kirk's Limerick A comedian with a good wit Said some women will surely admit They will not disparage Such a term as Marriage, 'Cause the word has a nice ring to it. Conrad, Jim, Carol got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns from last December Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple What do Santa's elves use in the kitchen instead of a knife or fork? A u-tinsel Why did Sherlock Holmes ask Santa for a yellow front door? Lemon Entry How did Scrooge manage to score the winning the goal? The ghost of Christmas passed … _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun: They had a two-door car and a Tudor house. When a clock factory burned there was some second-hand smoke. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I was running out of supplies. My husband went to get some things from my friend's husband. "Did he give you everything?" I asked later. "Yes," my husband said, grinning. "A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children's birth certificates." - submitted to Reader's Digest by C P Park ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When a co-worker announced one morning that he and his wife were expecting their first child, we all gathered around to congratulate him. Someone asked whether he wanted a boy or a girl, and he replied that he didn'tcare what it was--all he wanted was a healthy baby. So I asked, "What about your wife? Does she have a preference?" "Oh," he replied, "she wants a boy too!" - submitted to Reader's Digest by Constance Murdock ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Many years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe for washing clothes .... 1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. 3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water. 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. 5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water. 6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored, don't bile, just rinch and starch. 7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch. 8. Hang old rags on fence. 9. Spread tea towels on grass. 10. Pore rinch water in flower bed. 11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. 12. Turn tubs upside down. 13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ His Last Words Were An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me

Daily Clean Jokes from February 15, 2025 Kirk's Limerick While James Bond slept, an earthquake occurred. When he didn't wake up, I inferred: A martini, I think, Was his favorite drink. Like the agent, 'twas shaken, not stirred. Bill, Carol, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Pete, Chris, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE ~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. ~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. ~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. ~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. ~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. ~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. ~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. ~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. ~ You cannot unsay a cruel word. ~ Every path has a few puddles. ~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. ~ The best sermons are lived, not preached. ~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. ~ Don't judge folks by their relatives. ~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. ~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. ~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. ~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. ~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. ~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'. ~ Always drink upstream from the herd. ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. ~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. ~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. >>>Today's Thot It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb but it must want to change. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ George Bernard Shaw A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most. The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people. He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody. The person I miss most is the one I could have been. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. We learn from history that we learn nothing from history. Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it. - From AZquotes.com Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 14, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Chiropractor school's been a big bust. With results I am very nonplussed. It's much harder than I Had expected, and sigh, But of late, I have learned to adjust. Conrad, Carol, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller _ https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk's Puns Eliminating knives leaves only a spoon and a fork, and they just don't cut it. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. During his air test, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors. Every calendar's days are numbered. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person. __________________________________________________________________________________________ WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING When you thought I wasn't looking you hung my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another. When you thought I wasn't looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking you baked a birthday cake just for me, and I knew that little things were special things. When you thought I wasn't looking you said a prayer, and I believed there was a God that I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn't looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt--but that it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking you smiled, and it made me want to look that pretty, too. When you thought I wasn't looking you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking - I looked . . . and wanted to say thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn't looking. >>>Today's Thot You're only as pretty as you treat people. Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Really Stupid Laws All of the following laws are real. (Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.) California It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. Women may not drive in a house coat. New Jersey You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only. In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant. New York It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Florida It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Ohio Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Kansas Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. No one may catch fish with his bare hands. Oklahoma Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. Alabama It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Wisconsin In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. Virginia It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed. Received from FranCMT2 via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Point" is not a pun here. As Dave Guggenheim might note, point "means what it means". That's right, you've been katana technicality. This string has enough errors we should re pair them, or should we switch to another point of view? Speaking of another point of view reminds me of the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings. It’s a matter of a pinion. In that Case I am Open to rePairing . since Amazon drops are also being limited for knives are the de