开云体育

The obese guy said he will attend

Weight loss clinic; much money he'll spend.

????????????He's given a diet,

????????????Decides he will try it.

Man's too fat and is?at?his?width's?end.

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.?

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.? "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.??

The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

I was at a Chamber of Commerce meeting last evening. There was a random draw for all in attendance, the prize being a brand new washer and dryer combo. My ticket was 7 away from the winning number. I was disappointed to not win, but they did feed me brisket and chocolate cookies?so in the end it was a wash!

If you are a fan of?Star Wars and Nostalgic Tech, you will enjoy today's video share!

~ Pastor Tim?

It is the life of the crystal, the architect of the flake, the fire of the frost, the soul of the sunbeam. This crisp winter air is full of it.

~John Burroughs, "Winter Sunshine"

I fell for a Librarian
I asked her to be mine,

I said, "My love you
is overdue!"

And she said, "Fine."

A New York magazine recently ran a contest.?

The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter, and then provide a definition for the new expression.?

Here are some of the winners:

• HARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
• IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys.
• COGITO, EGGO SUM: I think.? Therefore, I am a waffle.
• RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
• REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you are Scottish.
• QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal.
• LE ROI EST MORT.? JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead.? No kidding.
• POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.
• VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came.? I am a very important person.? I conquered.
• PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown.
• FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.
• HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.
• VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
• QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort.
• ALOHA OY: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
• MAZEL TON: Tons of good luck.
• APRES MOE LE DELUGE: Curly and Larry got wet.
• ICH LIBERICH: I'm really crazy about having dough.
• FUI GENERIS: What's mine is mine.
• VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.
• CA VA SANS DIRT: And that's not gossip.
• BUN JOUR: The daily special at the bakery.
• BAN JOUR: The daily special of the League of Decency.
• BEN JOUR: Charlton Heston's cousin.

It was just a regular day at Darien Lake, an upstate New York amusement park.

My daughter, her friend, and I were standing in the usual long, snaking line to ride the park's roller coaster, called the Viper. It was our first ride of the day, and we like roller coasters, both wood and steel.

In line with us was a group of teenage African-American girls. They were passing the long wait by joking and laughing and just having a good time. In their care was a little girl, about nine years old, just barely tall enough to reach the magic mark of amusement park adulthood that earns access to the Viper.

When we reached the final point-of-no-return before launching, I noticed that the little girl was an odd number in her group, and therefore, without someone with whom to ride.

I hesitated. After all, I was a stranger and a white man. On the other hand, I was with my own kid and her friend, so, I would probably be considered "safe."

I didn't have a fellow rider, either. The older girls suddenly noticed their predicament and were talking about what to do -- where would the little girl ride? I finally mustered the nerve to speak up.

"She can ride with me, if she wants."

They asked her and she said, "Okay."

They had her get in the chute next to mine.

I let her in the car first and once we were both seated, I pulled down the safety bar.

The coaster started up.

Then the little girl turned and looked up at me.

"Would you hold my hand?" Shocked inside, I just replied, "Sure."

She put her little hand inside mine, and we climbed the first hill. When we started down, she squeezed my hand for all she was worth, closed her eyes so tightly that they were barely visible slits, and cried as intensely as she possibly could.

We were hurtling out into time and space and the universe together, just the two of us, this little African-American girl and this white Anglo stranger.

I had been there before, but this was new and frightening for her, and she trusted me for her safety and comfort.

Every time we reached a level area, her eyes opened and she relaxed her grip -- a little. She never let go completely. But whenever we went into a dip or turn, she bore down, and the tears fell again.

At the end of the ride, I think that she was proud of herself. I told her older friends that they should buy her a special "I survived the Viper" button. They smiled and left for other rides.

As our groups turned to go their separate ways, I thought about the little children who had been hurt by adults over the decades and the centuries. I thought about the responsibility that we adults have toward them. I thought about the tremendous privilege inherent in that responsibility.

And I thought about trust. This little girl had not bothered to see a stereotype, what I might appear to be on the outside. She just knew that she needed someone to trust. In just a few moments she had given me the best lesson I have ever had in trust, both how to trust others and how to respect, value, appreciate, and enjoy the trust given by another person.

Years later, I can still feel that little hand inside mine. Thank you, little girl -- I wish I had asked your name.

As human beings on this planet, we are thrown together into many situations and roller coaster rides. We hurtle through space at thousands of miles an hour.

The single most important aspect of our ride is how we treat those in the car with us.

- by Vance Agee