?
There
are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by
the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know
little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
?
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?
Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."?
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"?
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I
think I just wet my pants."
?
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Paul
walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed
up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?"?
"Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter."?
"I had Adams on tap last
night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and
you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you
wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public
office."?
Paul shrugged. "How so?"?
"Because you've spent the
last year and a half avoiding the draft."
?
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A Dog Funny ? Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
>>>Today's Thot
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail, and comes with unconditional love. ? Received From Mikey’s Funnies.
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?
?
In olden times, women were not
allowed to act on the stage in many parts of the world. In operas, all female
parts were sung by castrati (males castrated before puberty for this purpose).
We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.
?
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?
A young boy and his doting
grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of
nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees,
raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved
grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the
sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped
indignantly, "he had a hat!"
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Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!"?--?Bill Maher
?
?
- Run, romp and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you’re not.
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
- Don’t go out without ID.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
- If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com2018 Remaster of Robin Williams on The Tonight Show w/ Johnny Carson & guest Jonathan Winters in 1991.
Received from Joke-of-the-Day. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? - February 11, 2025?-
DEAR ABBY: I'm fortunate that most of my neighbors are kind and considerate. We've all enjoyed sharing each other's celebrations. However, there's one family among the five households that we've never managed to connect with on a personal level. Despite our efforts, such as giving gifts and food, they have always been unresponsive. While there's no animosity, there is also no rapport. Recently, an issue has arisen that's becoming increasingly troublesome. Their garage is so packed with belongings that they park their car outside. Unfortunately, the car has an extremely sensitive alarm system that goes off multiple times during the night. I have witnessed it being triggered by their cat jumping on the car. The alarm sounds for 15 to 20 seconds, and it's loud enough to interrupt sleep, which has been an ongoing problem for the last six months. I consider myself a generally easygoing person, but this is frustrating. What's the most respectful way to address this issue with the family, given that we've had limited interaction with them??-- SLEEPY IN BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON DEAR SLEEPY:?Write the couple a note and explain that for the last six months their car alarm has been waking you up. Point out that the cause may be their cat jumping on the vehicle in the wee hours of the morning, and ask if the alarm can be set to be less sensitive or if their furry family member can be kept inside. They won't know there is a problem if you don't communicate that there is one. (I wonder how the rest of the neighbors feel about this?) If the disturbance continues, you will have to report it as a nuisance to the homeowners association, if there is one, or to the police as a last resort. You have my sympathy. |
DEAR ABBY: I am 66 years old and have been diagnosed with moderately aggressive prostate cancer. I will start radiation therapy soon. My wife knows about it and has been very supportive, but we have not shared it with my children, siblings, relatives or friends. One of the reasons for keeping quiet was that my daughter-in-law was expecting their first child, and I didn't want to ruin their joy. Now the baby is here, and I'm still not comfortable informing them. What is your opinion? Should I tell them, keep it a secret or let my wife tell them afterward, should I not survive the treatment??-- SECRETIVE IN CALIFORNIA DEAR SECRETIVE:?To tell or not to tell is a very personal decision. It might depend upon your reason for not wanting anyone to know about your diagnosis. Consider tabling the announcement until you have started treatment and see how challenging it may (or may not) be. If you need emotional support, you may want to tell those close to you what's going on or join a cancer support group. It would be unfair to your wife to make her delay informing your children, siblings, relatives, etc. until after you are gone because she would be blamed for keeping your condition from them. |
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Toucan Yell