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Daily Clean Jokes for February 26, 2025? ?

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Today's Clean Limericks? ?

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There were burglars in my community

Who were brazen, stole with impunity.

????????????Doors and windows they shook

????????????Because they're on the look

For some?windows?of?opportunity.

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Grover and Chris got it.

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The new pope was disseminating

Rules which seemed to be irritating

????????????To some Catholics who

????????????I informally knew.

They complained he's?pontificating.

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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A Whale of a Tale

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Kirk Miller

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Pun of the Day:?

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SCIENCE FAIR RESPONSES

Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:

- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

- A monsoon is a French gentleman.

- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

>>>Today's Thot

Man, I had the slowest, rudest, nastiest cashier today. That's the last time I use the self-checkout lane.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Soup

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"

Received from Clean Laffs.via GCFL.

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Today's One-Liner

I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven.

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Quote of the Day

"For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?"

~John Steinbeck,?Travels with Charley: In Search of America, 1961

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Toasting to Long Life & Sweet Treets

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." - An Irish Toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup." - A French toast.

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Early Rising

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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?The Points System

For all of us guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You?don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:
You make the Bed.....................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father.............................................-10

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang..................................-10

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes..............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....................................-30
You say "I don't give a darn because you have one too"........-800

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...............................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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Susan Page writes ...

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?A Good and Beautiful Community

I love the account of the early Church community recorded in Acts 2.??“When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place. They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. All who believed were together and had all things in common. They were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. Daily they attended the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.”

Read More:??

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Received from Susan Page via Cybersalt Digest

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I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.

“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

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Man: I cannot sleep at night, I keep seeing donkeys playing football.

Doctor: I am giving you some medicine, start using it tonight.

Man: Can I start tomorrow?

Doctor: Why tomorrow?

Man: Tonight is the finals.

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Thought Of The Day:??You're So Close

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -- Thomas A. Edison

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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Church Feuds

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in?the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get?into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we?should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led?the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we?should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir?director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how?we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The?Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the?next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering?resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church?that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away.?The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

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When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany??of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

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1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband?states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for?over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third?day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also?appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me?in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally?alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another?hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably?insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past?three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for?lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of?her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car?for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and?accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus?sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he?took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt?we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other?abnormalities.

30.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

31. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

32. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

33.. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.??

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For the Kids

What's the best way to catch an elephant?
Hide in the grass and pretend to be a peanut.

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"

Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Song is "The Sound of Silence", by Simon & Garfunkel. Harp is the Fullsicle, by Harpsicle. Deer is startled.

Antoni talks about looking in people’s refrigerators, finding the worst thing in someone’s house on “Queer Eye,” discovering things about celebrities’ roots with food in his show “No Taste Like Home,” filming with Justin Theroux, and eating way too much in Italy.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old niece is getting married in four months. Five years ago, she lost her father in a tragic accident while her parents were on vacation. Since that time, she has come out as gay and grown closer to me than to her mom (my sister). I was always close to my sister and both of her daughters while they were growing up and helped out financially when times were tough. My sister recently remarried and plans to move to another state with her new husband prior to the wedding. My niece has asked me to walk her down the aisle along with my sister. My sister said it's disrespectful to her since she is the mother. I don't want to hurt my sister or my niece. My niece says it's both of us or neither one. (There are no grandparents.) I told her I want to sit with my husband for the wedding and that her mom should walk her down the aisle. The other bride's parents will be walking their daughter down the aisle. I know it's my niece's wedding and she should have what she wants, but I feel stuck in the middle. Any suggestions? -- TORN IN TWO IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR TORN: I do have one. You have already told your niece you would prefer to sit with your husband rather than cause resentment from your sister. Your niece feels strongly about having you walk with her, and it is her wedding. You might suggest walking her halfway down the aisle and then handing her off to her mother. But leave the final decision where it belongs -- which is with the bride. DEAR ABBY: I'm a 19-year-old guy and live with my parents. We have this neighbor, "Ed," who, until recently, was friends with my dad. We've hung out with him several times and have even gone over to each other's houses to watch sports games and eat dinner. The problem is, Ed has become very overbearing and strange. He has always been a little off the wall, which, at first, we both found hilarious. But since then, his foul language and vulgarities have rubbed us the wrong way. He's disrespectful to his wife and son, which I know isn't my business, but Dad and I are over it. Lately, Ed has been constantly calling and texting my dad. Now he has started texting me asking why my father isn't responding. I don't know how he got my number. Last month, Ed walked into our house through our sliding glass door while I was home alone watching TV. Dad seems to want to just ignore the issue, but I think it's the wrong move. Should I approach this nosy and indignant neighbor? -- UNEASY IN ILLINOIS DEAR UNEASY: No, you should not. Keep that sliding glass door locked. And, if you receive any more texts from this man, block him. You are not required to discuss your father's or your change in attitude with him.

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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Better To Cry

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Direct link:?

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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