Daily Clean Jokes for February 27, 2025

#2447

Daily Clean Jokes for February 27, 2025? ? ? ? ?

Kirk's Clean Limericks

If it's icy and bitterly cold

Or it's blazingly hot, I am told

? ? ? ?Spending most of the day

? ? ? ?At a place where I'll play.

It's a golf course, a site to be holed.

I was watching a movie while blending

A martini. The film was contending

???? How the drink came to be.

???? I'm surprised, didn't see

What would happen. There was a twist ending.

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In their split-level Alaskan home,

Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome;

? ? ? ? Their kids always knew,

? ? ? ? ?As you do now, too,

"Mom" and "Dad" were the best Palindrome!

(Chris Gross)

There was a chess player, high-rated,

Who hardly ever had mated.

Oh, he won every game,

The board made his fame;

But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated!

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Kirk's Puns of the Day:?

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down.

The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate type-O's.

There is no short-cut to becoming a hair stylist.

A doctor drank while putting on patients' casts.??He soon was plastered.

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Music Director

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied,

"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

Received from The Daily Groaner via GCF:

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A Golf Funny

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

>>>Today's Thot

Q: What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while.

Received From Mikey’s Funnies.

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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"?

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."?

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"?

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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Paul walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?"?

"Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter."?

"I had Adams on tap last night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public office."?

Paul shrugged. "How so?"?

"Because you've spent the last year and a half avoiding the draft."

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Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."? (Bill Dyson)

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In olden times, women were not allowed to act on the stage in many parts of the world. In operas, all female parts were sung by castrati (males castrated before puberty for this purpose). We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

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A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"?

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Quote of the Day:??Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!"?(Bill Maher)

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Today's One-Liner:? ?My son has been eating electrical cords.? What do I do?

Ground him until he conducts himself properly.

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A Cuddle Funny

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He
moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He
reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and
nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where
are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to go and get my teeth."

>>>Today's Thot

Had a slight headache this morning but felt much better after following the
directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."?

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Wife asks husband "If you won the lottery would you still love me?"

He says "Of course I would still love you! Don't be silly". "I'd miss you, but I'd still love you"

Received from Reddit Clean.

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Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

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When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"

Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."

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Thought Of The Day:??The Family Skeleton

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” --?
- George Bernard Shaw

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

"Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can't fly!"

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What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!

Why did the cannibal have a hangover?
He went to a party and got stewed!

Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!

Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into!

<...

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It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

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Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.

Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. ...

More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my husband for 30 years. For the past five years, I've noticed that he is acting a little different. He's lost a lot of weight. I found out he's been smoking drugs. He had this problem years ago, and I thought we had it beat. But now I'm getting the impression that maybe you can't ever beat it.

My daughter gave me a tracker for my birthday. I put it in his car to see where he went, and it showed that he went to an apartment building and was there for almost an hour. I don't know who lives in that building, and I have never been there. I suspect that he's cheating on me. I can't think of another reason he would be in an apartment building in a really bad area if there wasn't something keeping him there. When I asked him where he was, he said, "Why are you asking me so many questions?"

I know my husband lies to me. I'm at my wits' end and don't know what to do. I know it will be really hard to leave if that's what I choose to do, but I guess I have no other choice. When I suggested marriage counseling, he refused. I told him he needed to do drug counseling. He said he doesn't have a problem. Clearly, he does have a problem. I told him he's too old for this. What do you think I should do? -- SUSPICIOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Before doing anything else, it is important you protect yourself. Talk to your doctor about being checked for STDs. Then tell your husband about the tracker and ask him to explain about the time he's spent at that apartment building. Was he with another woman? His drug dealer? (If it's a woman, does he plan to continue seeing her?) Depending upon the answers he gives you and whether you can believe them, you may want to talk to an attorney to determine how you want to proceed.

DEAR ABBY: My 95-year-old mother has been healthy until recently. She's in an independent living facility and is happy there. I'm the primary caretaker for her medical needs as her heart has weakened, and she's now under palliative care.

My sister "Julie," who lives out of state, has decided to place a camera in Mom's home and track and record her day and night. Although Mom doesn't mind the camera, it makes me uncomfortable to be constantly watched and monitored while visiting and assisting her. Julie gets angry if I cover the camera while I'm there. When I remove the cover, I hear the camera zoom around the room and focus on us. Am I wrong to want privacy during my visits with my mother? -- CAMERA-SHY IN COLORADO

DEAR CAMERA-SHY: The point of the camera is when your mother is alone someone can keep an eye on her. If you are there, there should be no need for the camera. I will assume you have told your sister you don't want your visits monitored, and she persists in doing it anyway. Feel free to cover it while you are there, but don't forget to uncover it when you leave.?

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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