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I heard whispers coming from something that looked like a small red onion. I think it was a hoarse radish.

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Did you hear about the psychiatrist on a hike who fell into a depression?

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How did the Indians get to be the first people in America?

????They had reservations.

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The soldier took extra target practice because he aimed to improve.

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Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession.??Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted.??One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole.??It was noted that . . . Bea wears the hides of Marj.

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where in do you think he's calling from?"

Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs.

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Must be all the indoor-fins.

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.

"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."

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Thought Of The Day:??If You Do It Right

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -- Mae West

How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.?

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

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Drinking Too Much

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"?

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

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A Preacher Buys a Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."?

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

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Motorcycle Insurance

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

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Bad Golf

Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.

"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."?

"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water!"

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Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.?

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

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Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

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High School Reunion

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."?

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Steve Martin's first major television appearance on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in 1968.

Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones remember their run-in with the King of Rock & Roll. (From "Late Show," air date: 12/3/12)

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?

The new year started off with a bang -- especially when it comes to confirming two simple steps you can take to protect your brain from cognition problems and Alzheimer's.

It's not news to anyone who reads this column that eating processed red meat poses a huge risk for body-wide inflammation, heart disease, diabetes and other chronic conditions. But a new study in Neurology illuminates how it affects brain health.

It seems that the saturated fat and salt content may ...

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