Daily Clean Jokes from February 15, 2025
Kirk's Limerick
While James Bond slept, an earthquake occurred. When he didn't wake up, I inferred: ????????????A martini, I think, ????????????Was his favorite drink. Like the agent,?'twas?shaken,?not?stirred. ? Bill, Carol, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Pete, Chris, Grover got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE
~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
>>>Today's Thot
It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb but it must want to change.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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 George Bernard ShawA government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most.
The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.
A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.
The person I miss most is the one I could have been.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.
I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.
- From AZquotes.com
Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL.
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CAMP OUTS
by Patrick McManus
Every year, thousands of Americans are introduced to the sport of camping. There are many approaches to it.
"Car camping" is where the camp is within 20 feet of the car, and a portion of each is actually spent in the car, either because the tent collapsed or somebody thought he "heard a bear."
"Backpacking" is where the camp is more than 20 feet from the car and no portion of the night is actually spent in the car, except in dire emergencies, such as when someone thinks he "saw a bear."
"Solitary camping" is where a lone camper lies awake at night wondering how he could have been so stupid as not to have brought somebody along with him. You know you are involved in solitary camping when asked, "Did you hear that funny noise just then?" and nobody answers. Of course, it may be that the reason you are suddenly involved in solitary camping is that the person you were with heard that funny sound just then and is now engaged in car camping.
"Group camping" may consist of as many as 40 individuals, none of whom thought to bring a can opener. A Cub Scout outing is typical of group camping and it often ends with the adult leaders spending the night pressed inside a pup tent with 14 Cub Scouts because somebody had the bright idea to telling scary stories around the campfire.
And if you listen closely, you will hear one of the expressions most heard around the campgrounds. "When hell freezes over." This is used by wives and mothers to indicate the next time you'll get them on another camping trip.
Received from Anna Welander
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Interesting Thoughts
Why do we say something is out of whack?? What is a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" ----- Today's One-Liner 'm so jealous of people who know how to shut up ... I shut up and subtitles come out my face.?
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Today's Quote
Being a parent is like jumping out of a plane with a bunch of people who can't open their own chutes. So you fly around doing it for them. Then you hit the ground. But you don't die. You haul yourself up off the ground and cook dinner. - Unknown ----- Bun Warmers They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.
----- Cake Lesson A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does. "Here, have some cooking oil." "Yuck" says the boy. "How about a couple raw eggs? " "Gross, Grandma!" "Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Grandma, those are all yucky!" To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!" She continued, "That's how God works in our lives, too." Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Received from Pastor Tim. ??The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and?.
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My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking.
So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time. -----
It was a very long and boring sermon.
As one parishioner left the church, he said: "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled: "Really? Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever." ----- Thought Of The Day:??If You Are Not Yelling "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."
- Reese Witherspoon Received from aJokeADay. |
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A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.
"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.] | _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?
The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and ... |
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.
"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" ... -----
What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?
Sheet belts!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!
Where do ghosts go on holiday...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----
Frustrated patrons are annoyed that they can only get cheeseburgers, chips and Pepsi at The Olympia Restaurant. A featured patron (Robert Klein) really wants eggs and argues with the staff including Pete (John Belushi). [Season 3, 1978]
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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been happily married for 15 years. My mother-in-law, "Pat," a widow since 1997, has lived with us for the last 14 years. She lived alone in her own apartment when my wife and I first were married but was going through bouts of depression. I initially extended the offer to her to live with us until she got through her depression, and I mentioned it would be for only a year or two. Well, 14 years later, I am preparing for retirement, and Pat thinks she's coming with my wife and me to our retirement dream home. How can I politely address this? I no longer want to live with my MIL. I have been generous to have allowed her to stay with us this long. Any arguments my wife and I have had for the most part have been because of Pat's interference. We both agree on this fact. My wife and I get along well and compromise on just about everything. Pat is healthy and young enough to still be independent. She's also mobile enough to travel daily to run her errands. Please help me to express that it is overdue for her to move on and allow my wife and me the space to retire together peacefully. -- MAKING A CHANGE IN THE EAST DEAR MAKING A CHANGE: You stated that your mother-in-law expects to live with you and her daughter in your new place, which indicates that the subject has been discussed to some extent. Another "family conference" is now in order, the sooner the better. You and your wife must explain that because you will be moving, it is time for Pat to find a place of her own. Expect that there will be some resistance, so offer to help her find a place and assist with the move. After 14 years, it's time. Better late than never.
DEAR ABBY: My grown daughter is a bum magnet. All of her relationships have the same outcome. The bum stays with her until he gets a better situation. The current one has been the longest, going on for several years. It was difficult to get her to admit that he's abusive. She confided she's afraid at times. His hobby of drawing pictures depicting extreme violence worries me that he may act out someday. Any suggestions about what I can do to help her? -- CONCERNED MOM IN CALIFORNIA DEAR MOM: Mentally healthy adults do not spend their spare time fantasizing about extreme violence. They also don't abuse their significant others. Please remind your daughter that continued involvement with someone who abuses her and makes her fearful is risking her safety or her life. If she's living with him, she needs to move. If he's living with her, she should call the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 or visit and ask for help in forming a safe escape plan. |
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R?ev. James Snyder, God's Penman, writes . . . .? |
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Nothing is More Satisfying than Doing Nothing We were facing a very severe hurricane, and everything was being shut down.
The hurricane was to hit us on a Wednesday night. Because we were in the center of where that hurricane was supposed to come, we were not allowed to get out and drive on the streets.?
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