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Daily Clean Jokes for February 28, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Lexicographer friend said that she Will attend her group's meeting. I plea For a favor from her. She agrees and says, "Sure." I ask, "Put in a good word for me?" Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A dozen swimmers started a race at the stroke of twelve. Did you hear about paratrooper who was unable to jump? He never could explane himself. The vice squad busted the exotic dancers at the topless club, and business came to a grinding halt. How do chess players start a story? Once a pawn a time . . . If you watched the old Bewitched TV show . . . One day last Wiccan I wanted to have sects with a witch. I heard they give Moorehead and I Wanda-ed if this was true. After a spell I went over to cauldron Ms. Montgomery to get Samanthas. When I got there her gates Endoras warlocked so I figured I'd be Darrin and climb innuendo. The place was a mess. It was simply a Paul Lynde. It looked like the brick coven had exploded. I thought to myself, "This is spooky. Alice Ghostley and Serena in here, and quite for Lorne." I think Elizabeth and Sargent York had broken up because there was a message scrawled on the wall. "My divorce bewitch you." ----- Does Congress Deserve Raises? Babylon Bee Is there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don't get raises, sometimes for years. Well, we're compassionate for the less fortunate here at The Babylon Bee, so we've put together this list of the eight best reasons that members of Congress deserve a hefty raise right away: 1. It was a rough year for insider trading: It's been a difficult time for many in Washington. 2. Ukraine kickbacks might be ending in a couple months: Congress should get a little raise to help them through these unprecedented times. 3. The costs of coke orgies are through the roof nowadays: A simple bump in pay will help Congressmen maintain their simple coke orgy lifestyle. 4. Their jobs are much harder than those lazy bums at the Supreme Court: Those people have time to star in Broadway productions, for goodness' sake. 5. Some people (we don't know who) passed insane spending bills that caused inflation: Whoever did this to us is terrible. But either way, Congress needs more money to survive in this economic crisis that some unknown culprits caused. 6. Their approval rating is probably super high: Raises should be tied to job performance, and it's clear that Congress is doing a really good job performance. 7. If they don't get raises, they'll take bribes instead: A great point. 8. It costs, like, $45,000 to go to the movies now: Even lowly public servants like Congressmen should be able to afford the simple pleasures in life. Are you convinced that the good people in Congress are getting cheated out of well-deserved raises? If you're not, you should be. Call your representative now and demand he give himself a raise. ----- 2025 Predictions https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2025 Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?". ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I Need a Raise I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 27, 2025 Kirk's Clean Limericks If it's icy and bitterly cold Or it's blazingly hot, I am told Spending most of the day At a place where I'll play. It's a golf course, a site to be holed. I was watching a movie while blending A martini. The film was contending How the drink came to be. I'm surprised, didn't see What would happen. There was a twist ending. ----- In their split-level Alaskan home, Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome; Their kids always knew, As you do now, too, "Mom" and "Dad" were the best Palindrome! (Chris Gross) There was a chess player, high-rated, Who hardly ever had mated. Oh, he won every game, The board made his fame; But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster. His girlfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down. The doctor blood-tested secretarial candidates before hiring to eliminate type-O's. There is no short-cut to becoming a hair stylist. A doctor drank while putting on patients' casts. He soon was plastered. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Music Director During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." Received from The Daily Groaner via GCF: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Golf Funny "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." >>>Today's Thot Q: What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while. Received From Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." _______________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 26, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There were burglars in my community Who were brazen, stole with impunity. Doors and windows they shook Because they're on the look For some windows of opportunity. Grover and Chris got it. - ---- The new pope was disseminating Rules which seemed to be irritating To some Catholics who I informally knew. They complained he's pontificating. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- A Whale of a Tale A kayaker was eaten by a humpback whale and then spit out. Here is the story along with a video that shows the man being eaten. https://www.upworthy.com/man-swallowed-by-humpback-whale Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SCIENCE FAIR RESPONSES Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests: - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. - The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. - Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. - A monsoon is a French gentleman. - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. - When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. - For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. >>>Today's Thot Man, I had the slowest, rudest, nastiest cashier today. That's the last time I use the self-checkout lane. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Soup One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully. A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand. Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?" Received from Clean Laffs.via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven. ----- Quote of the Day "For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?" ~John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America, 1961 ----- Toasting to Long Life & Sweet Treets "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." - An Irish Toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup." - A French toast. ----- Early Rising Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You w

Daily Clean Jokes for February 25, 2025 Kirk's Limericks In their split-level Alaskan home, Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome; Their kids always knew, As you do now, too, "Mom" and "Dad" were the best Palindrome! (Chris Gross) I was watching a movie while blending A martini. The film was contending How the drink came to be. I'm surprised, didn't see What would happen. There was a twist ending. (Kirk Miller) If it's icy and bitterly cold Or it's blazingly hot, I am told Spending most of the day At a place where I'll play. It's a golf course, a site to be holed. (Kirk Miller) There was a chess player, high-rated, Who hardly ever had mated. Oh, he won every game, The board made his fame; But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PUN OF THE DAY Music Director During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." Received from The Daily Groaner _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Haiku du jour: A hungry robber Stole an egg from a diner. Then he ate it poached Chris Gross ----- This time eggs will be The toilet paper of bird flu epidemic. GR _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Toucan Yell Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. "Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton. Received from aJokeADay.com____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Equating Lawyers If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quick Quotes "I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India." -- Jay Leno ----- Just got my electric bill. When you come to my house, please bring a flashlight. ----- Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." (Bill Dyson) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and d

Daily Clean Jokes for February 24, 2025 Kirk's Limerick An old jogger had track star daughter. When she got dirty shoes, he taught her How to get them real clean. Many times she had seen Dad wash shoes using running water. Jim, Grover, Carol, Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move twenty six cars return to class." =========================== Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm trying to reach the next station before I run out." ============================ While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge." =========================== No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ============================ On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a couple of blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?" ============================ To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner." ============================= A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ JUST LIKE DAVE A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, you would too, if you'd married his widow." ________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 23, 2025 The two nuclear techs are crowing At their wedding that love's still growing. The attendees can see It is true; they agree. Bride is radiant; groom is glowing. Carol, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Millerhttps://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- NFL Satire Jets Announce Plan To Keep Losing But Without Aaron Rodgers Sports·Feb 13, 2025 · BabylonBee.com FLORHAM PARK, NJ — A changing of the guard was on the horizon in the NFL, as the New York Jets announced that the team had officially decided to keep losing all their games but without quarterback Aaron Rodgers. The Jets struggled to win games on their way to a 5-12 record in 2024, leading the team to the conclusion that it was time to move on from Rodgers and continue losing games in 2025 with a different quarterback. "It's time for us to find another quarterback to lead us to defeat," said newly hired Head Coach Aaron Glenn. "We appreciate Aaron Rodgers and the work he put in to help this team come up short, but the NFL is all about constantly evolving and finding new players to help the team achieve its goals. We wish him the best. Plus, my name is Aaron. I can't have a quarterback named Aaron. That's weird." Jets executives assured fans that the organization was already hard at work searching for its next quarterback to lose games. "Jet Nation can be confident that they'll see the same results on the field no matter who is under center," said new General Manager Darren Mougey. "We may be moving on from Aaron Rodgers, but we will look at all options available through free agency and the draft to find a new quarterback who will continue our long tradition of losing games." At publishing time, the Las Vegas Raiders were said to already be gauging Rodgers's interest in joining their roster due to his recent experience in leading teams to disappointing seasons. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Landing Check I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked. "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow." ----- Today's One-Liner I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age. ----- Surviving in Style: The Art of Bare Minimum "Do just enough to get by." - Mediocretes ----- Someone Else's Obituary Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do t

Daily Clean Jokes for February 22, 2025 ... Washington's Birthday I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!" ----- A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did you learn in algebra class today, son?" "Well, I learned Pi R Squared," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think I am stupid, but everybody knows that pies are round." ----- On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, dad, he doesn't recognize me." ----- I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team's expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat. The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision's not too good." ----- Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" ----- The waitress called out to the restaurant manager, "There's baseball umpire on the telephone. He wants to make dinner reservations for himself and two friends. The manager told her to hang up, "It's a prank call. There's no such thing as a baseball umpire with two friends." ----- Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters are sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn babe." Rather amazed by Slim's response, his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A newborn babe???" "Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants." ----- It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move twenty-six cars return to class." ----- Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm trying to reach the next station before I run out." ----- While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge." ----- No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ----- On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a couple of blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Nieman Marcus," he told the driver.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 21, 2025 Kirk's Limericks At the beauty school, her confession: She once missed a class. Her transgression Means she won't graduate. That will be the gal's fate 'Til she goes to a makeup session. Conrad. Chris, Jim got it. When at middle age, women feel blahs. They perceive that from menfolk, it draws Some weird looks in men's eyes That they cannot disguise. And the truth is it gives men a pause. ----- In the candy store, boss will inflict A hard punch if you fight; he is strict. When a couple of fools Didn't follow the rules, Boss hit both. The two suckers got licked. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns of the Day: A friend of mine lost his job as a postman. He just wasn’t delivering the goods. Why don’t Marxists drink Earl Grey? They believe proper tea is theft. My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue her. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Sofa Funny A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the apartment because it got stuck in the door. After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, "I think we'll have to call it a day. There's no way we're getting it inside." The neighbor looks at him slowly, "Wait, INSIDE?" >>>Today's Thot It's good to have self-confidence. It's even better to have a reason for it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What's the funniest joke you know? Please, I need to laugh. No seriously I am on the verge of crying my soul out of my eyes. A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. ----- Why did the computer get cold? Too many windows were open!! Or you could say because it froze!! Take your pick!! ----- A wealthy young man got sideswiped while driving his gold-plated Lamborghini. When the officer arrived, the man was standing and yelling about all the damage to the left side of his car. “My car!!! Look what happened to my beautiful car!!!” The officer looked at him incredulously and said, ”YOUR CAR??!! Your whole left arm is missing!!!!” The young man look down and cried “MY ROLEX!!!” ----- Met a guy like that at the swimming pool. Everyone called him Bob. Met a girl like that at the bottom of the pool Everyone called her Bubbles ----- A monk wants to join an extremely strict monastery. On the very first day the abbott tells him “You may only say 2 words every 10 years.” Ten years go by and the abbott asks the monk “What are your 2 words?” “Food cold” is the reply. Another ten years pass and the abbott queries the monk, “What do you have to

Daily Clean Jokes for February 20, 2025 Kirk's Limerick The obese guy said he will attend Weight loss clinic; much money he'll spend. He's given a diet, Decides he will try it. Man's too fat and is at his width's end. Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Early Morning Make-Up A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up. Her husband asked the reason. She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup." ----- Never Going Away Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw. Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever." I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago." ----- Thought Of The Day: The Test of Morality "The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children." -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hit-and-Run Hilarity: When Laughter is the Best Identifier The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Cybersalt News I was at a Chamber of Commerce meeting last evening. There was a random draw for all in attendance, the prize being a brand new washer and dryer combo. My ticket was 7 away from the winning number. I was disappointed to not win, but they did feed me brisket and chocolate cookies so in the end it was a wash! If you are a fan of Star Wars and Nostalgic Tech, you will enjoy today's video share! Click Here to Watch ~ Pastor Tim ----- Today's One-Liner I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine! ----- Today's Quote It is the life of the crystal, the architect of the flake, the fire of the frost, the soul of the sunbeam. This crisp winter air is full of it. ~John Burroughs, "Winter Sunshine" ----- My Heart Will Not be Shushed I fell for a Librarian I asked her to be mine, I said, "My love you is overdue!" And she said, "Fine." ----- Foreign Phrases - Sort of A New York magazine recently ran a contest. The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter, and then provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some of the winners: HARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys. COGITO, EGGO SUM: I think. Therefore, I am a waffle. RIGOR MOR

Daily Clean Jokes for February 19, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At the music store, crime is acute. Robber grabs something fast and does scoot. And he does it so fast, All the folks are aghast When the thief makes away with the lute. Carol, Jim, Conrad, Chris, Bill got it. Pancake Day It is Pancake Day. Mind simply slipped For my wife. She is mad, voice tone's clipped. I walked in the kitchen And really was itchin' To remark that she simply had flipped. (As the rabbit said, "We'd better all IHOP over for some!" -- Jim) Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A friend is making me a burger for dinner. I’m relishing it. Put some relish on my best pickle. It’s a big dill. I was trying to come up with my own recipe for haggis, but I’m not sure what it entrails. Dr Frankenstein’s resolution was to make more friends. I tried to make a reservation at the local library, but they were fully booked. ----- TRUE NEWS How Kids Learn Decision-Making Skills: Elizabeth Hill-Brodigan, the principal at Theodore Roosevelt Elementary School in Cocoa Beach, Fla., has been arrested after hosting a “White Lie Party” for nearly 200 children at her home. The kids were allegedly provided alcoholic beverages and marijuana. Kids told police the parties have been ongoing, once or twice a month, and students from multiple schools attended. An age range was not provided, but police were called to deal with drunken children fighting in the neighborhood; one teen was arrested after running a stop sign, and found to have a blood alcohol content of .118 percent. Police found a child unconscious in front of the house and called for an ambulance; Hill-Brodigan allegedly looked out on the scene and turned off the lights, which made the rescue more difficult. One video taken at the party shows children playing with a gun. Hill-Brodigan and teacher Karly Anderson were arrested, charged with child neglect and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Parents are outraged, and Cocoa Beach Police Detective Sgt. Taylor Payne said he had never seen anything like the event. And what does the school board have to say about it? “This isn’t anything new,” said Board Chair Gene Trent. “When we have thousands of employees, things happen.” (RC/WOFL Orlando) ...When they have hundreds of thousands of angry voters, recalls happen. The Wrong Body: Ryan Smith, 42, and another employee of Mid America First Call collected the body of someone who died of natural causes in Papillion, Neb. That wasn’t what made Smith’s public defender, Joseph Fabian, call it an “extremely strange situation,” or what caused Sarpy County District Court Judge Nathan Cox to sentence Smith to 90 days in jail. It was what happened later, when Smith contacted the property manager, claiming the sheriff’s office had told him to swab a life-sized — anatomically correct — doll, for “a biopsy.” The property manager refused. A short time later, the manager investigated noises at the residence and discovered the door was locked — and Smith was inside “with his clothing disheveled.” Smith left, promising to return with a warrant, but the manager didn’t wait: he called the cops. Smith pleaded no contest to theft, criminal trespassing, and impersonating an officer. Judge Cox said the theft and trespassing were issues, but “more concerning for him is the impersonating an officer.” (MS/WOWT Omaha) ...More concerning than “playing doctor” with the doll? It Was Definitely Her: “It wasn’t me,” insisted Sabrina Coyne, 34, after she was stopped by deputies from the Lee County (Fla.) Sheriff’s Office,who were investigating a disturbance — at her ex-husband’s house. The ex called 911 when he heard a window smash — because a brick was thrown through it. The forward-thinking man had security cameras, which allegedly caught clear images of his ex-wife hurling the brick into the window. Further, the brick was engraved: “First Date. Sabrina & [redacted] Jet Skiing with [redacted]. June 14, 2020.” But still, “It wasn’t me,” she said.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 18, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At a bank there's a clerk. The feller Played the Lotto; his choice was stellar. Fifty million he won. Please do pardon this pun: He is now called a fortune teller. Carol, Dick, Bill got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Puns I heard whispers coming from something that looked like a small red onion. I think it was a hoarse radish. Did you hear about the psychiatrist on a hike who fell into a depression? How did the Indians get to be the first people in America? They had reservations. The soldier took extra target practice because he aimed to improve. Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession. Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole. It was noted that . . . Bea wears the hides of Marj. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Life After Death At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where in do you think he's calling from?" Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Calming Tropical Fish Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain. Must be all the indoor-fins. ----- Navy Officer Cutting Through A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. "Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded. "No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either." ----- Thought Of The Day: If You Do It Right "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -- Mae West Received from aJokeADay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golf for Seniors How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." ----- Drinking

Daily Jokes for February 17, 2025 Kirk's Limerick When Magellan set sail, he began Three year trip 'round the world. Ferdinand Had a sense of humor. Crew had heard the rumor That their boss was the world's first strait man. Jim and Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Million Funny An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!" >>>Today's Thot I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament. But good players are really hard to find. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Camping Experience It was the first camping experience for Paul. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Paul. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Paul, "if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!" Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ----- New Neighbors My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!" Received from Clean Laffs. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Difference Between In-laws and Out-laws What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are usually wanted. ----- Don't Do It Sam Everyone told Sam not to sing... But Samsung anyway. ----- Thought Of The Day: Reality Sucks “Reality continues to ruin my life.” - Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lena's Divorce The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself." ----- For The Kids ... A noise woke me up this morning. What was that? The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you! What has? Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains! What's the differ

Daily Clean Jokes for February 16, 2025 Kirk's Limerick A comedian with a good wit Said some women will surely admit They will not disparage Such a term as Marriage, 'Cause the word has a nice ring to it. Conrad, Jim, Carol got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns from last December Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple What do Santa's elves use in the kitchen instead of a knife or fork? A u-tinsel Why did Sherlock Holmes ask Santa for a yellow front door? Lemon Entry How did Scrooge manage to score the winning the goal? The ghost of Christmas passed … _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun: They had a two-door car and a Tudor house. When a clock factory burned there was some second-hand smoke. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I was running out of supplies. My husband went to get some things from my friend's husband. "Did he give you everything?" I asked later. "Yes," my husband said, grinning. "A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children's birth certificates." - submitted to Reader's Digest by C P Park ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When a co-worker announced one morning that he and his wife were expecting their first child, we all gathered around to congratulate him. Someone asked whether he wanted a boy or a girl, and he replied that he didn'tcare what it was--all he wanted was a healthy baby. So I asked, "What about your wife? Does she have a preference?" "Oh," he replied, "she wants a boy too!" - submitted to Reader's Digest by Constance Murdock ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Many years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe for washing clothes .... 1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. 3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water. 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. 5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water. 6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored, don't bile, just rinch and starch. 7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch. 8. Hang old rags on fence. 9. Spread tea towels on grass. 10. Pore rinch water in flower bed. 11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. 12. Turn tubs upside down. 13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ His Last Words Were An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me

Daily Clean Jokes from February 15, 2025 Kirk's Limerick While James Bond slept, an earthquake occurred. When he didn't wake up, I inferred: A martini, I think, Was his favorite drink. Like the agent, 'twas shaken, not stirred. Bill, Carol, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Pete, Chris, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE ~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. ~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. ~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. ~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. ~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. ~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. ~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. ~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. ~ You cannot unsay a cruel word. ~ Every path has a few puddles. ~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. ~ The best sermons are lived, not preached. ~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. ~ Don't judge folks by their relatives. ~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. ~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. ~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. ~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. ~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. ~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'. ~ Always drink upstream from the herd. ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. ~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. ~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. >>>Today's Thot It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb but it must want to change. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ George Bernard Shaw A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most. The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people. He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody. The person I miss most is the one I could have been. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. We learn from history that we learn nothing from history. Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it. - From AZquotes.com Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for February 14, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Chiropractor school's been a big bust. With results I am very nonplussed. It's much harder than I Had expected, and sigh, But of late, I have learned to adjust. Conrad, Carol, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller _ https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk's Puns Eliminating knives leaves only a spoon and a fork, and they just don't cut it. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. During his air test, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors. Every calendar's days are numbered. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person. __________________________________________________________________________________________ WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING When you thought I wasn't looking you hung my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another. When you thought I wasn't looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking you baked a birthday cake just for me, and I knew that little things were special things. When you thought I wasn't looking you said a prayer, and I believed there was a God that I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn't looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt--but that it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking you smiled, and it made me want to look that pretty, too. When you thought I wasn't looking you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking - I looked . . . and wanted to say thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn't looking. >>>Today's Thot You're only as pretty as you treat people. Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Really Stupid Laws All of the following laws are real. (Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.) California It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. Women may not drive in a house coat. New Jersey You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only. In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant. New York It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Florida It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Ohio Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Kansas Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. No one may catch fish with his bare hands. Oklahoma Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. Alabama It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Wisconsin In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. Virginia It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed. Received from FranCMT2 via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Point" is not a pun here. As Dave Guggenheim might note, point "means what it means". That's right, you've been katana technicality. This string has enough errors we should re pair them, or should we switch to another point of view? Speaking of another point of view reminds me of the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings. It’s a matter of a pinion. In that Case I am Open to rePairing . since Amazon drops are also being limited for knives are the de

Kirk's Limericks Student cries, "Grade of F - Unlawful!" The professor, he hopes, will waffle On the essay's poor grade. Prof said No, and then bade Him goodbye, remarked, "Thesis awful!" Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The S&M fetishist stood up in the bar and announced that she could whip any man in the house. Lead story in Italian newspaper, year 1550: Due to unpaid taxes, the Italian government puts a lien on the Tower of Pisa. Our library has so many books that they had to put it in a multi-story building. After he hailed the taxi, it had a number of small, rounded dents in the yellow-painted metal. She stole the policeman's heart, so he made a cardiac arrest. ----- Haiku du jour (inspired by Kirk): The drill auditioned For a hardware commercial. It got a bit part ... Chris Gross ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner The secret to a clean kitchen is simple - Don't cook. Ever. ----- Quote-of-the-Day "The colour of springtime is in the flower. The colour of winter is in the imagination." - Ward Elliot Hour ----- Ghandi Pun Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little, and often fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He came to be known as a.... "Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Washington DC Metro Station Social Experiment “In Washington DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, a man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about four minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. About four minutes later, the violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. At six minutes, a young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. At ten minutes, a three-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly. At forty-five minutes: The musician played continuously. Only six people stopped and listened for a short while. About twenty gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32. After one hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music. This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities. This experiment raised several questions: In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? If so, do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent

Daily Clean Jokes for February 12, 2025 Kirk's Limerick On the tennis court, don't let sneering Make you cry. Just keep persevering. When you miss a high lob, Try real hard not to sob To avoid charge of racket tearing. Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Cartoon Puns ----- All Senate Confirmation Votes Delayed Until Mitch McConnell Unfreezes Again Politics·Feb, 2025 · BabylonBee.com WASHINGTON, D.C. — The senate was forced to delay further confirmation votes for Trump's cabinet this week, clarifying that all votes would go ahead as planned once Mitch McConnell unfreezes again. McConnell, who serves as the Senate Majority Whip in Congress, has frozen a number of times while delivering public statements, leading to widespread concern that he was not up to the job and should step down. But instead of doing that, he has soldiered on only to freeze again and disrupt the entire cabinet confirmation process. "What a hero," said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer. "He's always been an inspiration to me. It gives me hope that I can still be serving when I'm 140 years old and bedridden." Not everyone in Congress feels the same way. Senators Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, in particular, have spoken up about McConnell's infirmities and noted they don't even need him for every vote. But Schumer says Republicans need to relax and wait. "So the worst that could happen is we interfere with Trump's work and prevent him from implementing policies in other government departments. That sounds like a win in my book," said Schumer. At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had been put in a display case to greet visitors at the National Archives until such time as he reawakens. ----- The Burger King Calls On Senators To Vote Against RFK Jr. U.S.·Feb 7, 2025 · BabylonBee.com BURGER KING CASTLE — The Burger King issued an edict from his throne this week and urged senators to vote against confirming Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services. "Countrymen! Hear me, hear me!" the Burger King declared. "I beseech you from the bottom of my buns to throw off your vote and vanquish this hater of our kingdom to the outer realms of our fair land. Please, don't let this char-grilled charlatan usurp power from our burger-loving brethren. Vote nay!" The Burger King also released a flurry of statements on X, most of them written in emojis using the fries, burger, and frowny-face icons. "I watched his confirmation hearing," the Burger King continued. "I don't understand what his beef is with our company. There was not one nugget of truth to his scurrilous claims. Everything that came out of his mouth was one whopper after another. He must be rejected!" Kennedy defended his nomination and asked the Burger King to please reconsider his position. "I love a good french fry. Just cook them in beef tallow," Kennedy responded. "And use real meat and whole foods in your products. And please stop sending swarms of these enchanted flying pickles to my house… how are these things even real?" At publishing time, the Burger King had descended from his burger castle to resume his decades-long military campaign against Ronald McDonald and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. ----- Kirk Miller's True News Every Kid Wants to Be a Firefighter: A Los Angeles P.D. officer patrolling California’s Palisades Fire evacuation area — the fire is still ongoing — reported a firetruck to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department as suspicious. Deputies found it and pulled it over. The two people inside, a man and a woman, were dressed in full firefighter regalia, and said they were from the “Roaring River Fire Department” in Oregon. That confirmed suspicions: the truck bore a California license plate, and there is no such fire department in Oregon. Dustin Nehl, 31, and Jennifer Nehl, 44, a married couple, are apparently not firefighters. Dustin, in fact, served 5 years in an Oregon prison — for an arson spree. The fire truck? It was retired 30 years ago, and sold at auction.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 11, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Letter carrier sports a fa?ade; She cross-dresses. Police do not laud What she chooses to wear, And at first they do stare, Then arrest her. The charge is male fraud. Carol, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. The queen's favorite chef was knighted Sir Loin. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason Today's One-Liners: If regular guys ruled the world, tanks would be far easier to rent. Yesterday a friend gave me a plant and said that on the day it blooms, I'll meet my soulmate. Today it was eaten by my cat._______________________________________________________________________________________ Top 17 Inspirational Messages Not Heard at Work 17) There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". (16) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. (15) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. (14) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. (13) If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. (12) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who oppose them. (11) We put the "k" in "kwality". (10) 2 days without a human rights violation. (9) Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?". (8) We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. (7) If at first you don't succeed, try management. (6) Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. (5) The beatings will continue until morale improves. (4) Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. (3) If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. (2) Plagiarism saves time... And the #1 Inspirational Message Never Heard At Work: (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ----- The Cheesy Showdown Medieval Knight 1: "Why are you attacking me with that block of cheddar?" Medieval Knight 2: "It's extra sharp." ----- Cheaper Insurance Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower." My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts." ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. point you make with them. Received from Pastor Tim. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Year-long Argument (pun) A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance. It just goes to show that "actors speak louder than nerds!" Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL.. __________________________________________________________________________________________ It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two

Daily Clean Jokes for February 10, 2024 LAUGHTER FOR A MONDAY PROBLEMS Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter?" Tom replied, "The same place you got your silly train!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ GENERATION GAP Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked. "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings." "Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve." Received from Clean Humor Digest _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general--we had almost played for the weather forecast. --Contributed to "Humor in Uniform" by David Yost Received from: America In Uniform _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SERVING UP LAWYERS A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash, and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and Leroy here'll have a lawyer!" Received from Teddi's Humor _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel." -- Scott Wood _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." Received from: Clean Laffs _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ BEST SERVICE A Soldier, a Marine, and an Airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, "Which Branch of Service is the best?" St. Peter replied, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows: "Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that." (signed) GOD, USN (Ret.) Received from Pastor Tim's PearlyGates List _________________________________