Daily Clean Jokes for February 10, 2024
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Daily Clean Jokes for February 10, 2024 LAUGHTER FOR A MONDAY PROBLEMS Tom was being evaluated for mental problems?and was asked by the doctor,? "If a train was coming?down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" ? ? ? ?? Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and?fly away!" ? ? ? ?? The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a?helicopter?" ? ? ? ?? Tom replied, "The same place you got your?silly train!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? GENERATION GAP ? ? ? ?? Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give?away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a?garter belt.? "What's this?" she asked. ? ? ? ?? "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that?meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up?stockings." ? ? ? ?? "Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the?"save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve." Received from Clean Humor Digest _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? ? ?? I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base,?South Dakota.? Our group was required to play for all?generals who arrived on base.? So one morning,?when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a?General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us?scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the?radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a?whispered conference. When they returned, the officer?told us the performance was canceled. There?was no arriving general--we had almost played for the?weather forecast. --Contributed to "Humor in Uniform" by David Yost Received from: America In Uniform ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SERVING UP LAWYERS ?A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a?leash, and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers?here?" ? ? ? ?? "Sure do," replied the bartender. ? ? ? ?? "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer,?and Leroy here'll have a lawyer!" Received from Teddi's Humor _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? ?? "I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel." -- Scott Wood ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ? ? ? ?? During a test I was administering, I noticed?that one of my married students, who was quite?pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before?she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." ?"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that?my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and?it hurt a little." ?"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He?normally sleeps during your class." Received from: Clean Laffs _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ BEST SERVICE ? ? ? ?? A Soldier, a Marine, and an Airman got into a?fight about which service is best.? The fight was so?heated, that they killed each other.? Soon, they?found themselves in Heaven. ? ? ? ?? They see St. Peter walk by and ask, "Which?Branch of Service is the best?" St. Peter replied, "I?can't answer that.? But, I will ask God what He thinks?the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three?see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find?the answer. ? ? ? ?? Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's?shoulder.? The dove was carrying a note in its beak.?St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the?three fellows: ? ? ? ?? "Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service?are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served?your country well.? Be proud of that." (signed) GOD, USN (Ret.) Received from Pastor Tim's PearlyGates List ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ONE LINERS - from Stan Kegel, sorely missed by all! ? ? ? ?? The good ole' boy taped toilet paper to his?television and sais, 'Hey, lookie here, now we have?free paper view.' -- CheezZine ? ? ? ?? What do most coeds concentrate on most in?history class? Getting dates.? -- Jumble ? ? ? ?? When the shepherd counted his flock, he found?a lamb on the lam. -- Jumble ? ? ? ?? Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous?redundancy. ? ? ? ?? Some people make pottery items to urn a?living. -- Pun A Day ? ? ? ?? Air-Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ? ? ? ?? If someone with multiple personalities?threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage?situation? ? ? ? ?? He didn't pay a sculptor for the bust because?he was chiseled. -- Joanna Breitmeyer Received from Syman Says ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ NEW EXERCISE PHILOSOPHY ? ? ? ?? Physical exercise is good for you. I know that?I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do?too much, so I have worked out this program of?strenuous activities that do not require physical?exercise.You are invited to use my program without?charge. ? ? ? ? 1) Beating around the bush 2) Jumping to conclusions ? ? ? ? 3) Climbing the walls 4) Swallowing my pride ? ? ? ? 5) Passing the buck 6) Throwing my weight around ? ? ? ? 7) Dragging my heels 8) Pushing my luck ? ? ? ? 9) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head ? ? ? 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards ? ? ? 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books ? ? ? 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow ? ? ? 17) Tooting my own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success ? ? ? 19) Pulling out the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire ? ? ? 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting my foot in my mouth ? ? ? 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge ? ? ? 25) Picking up the pieces Happy Exercising... Received from Arcamax Jokes _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you breaking that package in?half? Shopper: The coupon said 50 percent off. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you drinking that soda you?didn't pay for? Shopper: I have to drink something to wash down the?donuts. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you here with a little black?book? Boy: My mother told me to get a few dates. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you juggling the produce? Shopper: Because I love mixed vegetables. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you loitering here? Shopper: I'm waiting for the fruit to ripen. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you shoplifting that steak? Shopper: Man does not live by bread alone. ? ? ? ?? Grocer: Why are you shoplifting? Shopper: Because my wife asked me to pick up a few?things. Received from Mary's Funnies ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TODAY'S JOKE ? ? ? ?? At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the?father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand?to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to?him." ? ? ? ?? The father, a grocery-store manager, took the?advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the?bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No?deposit, no return." ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ LAST LAUGH ? ? ? ?? Tom worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5?years. ? ? ? ?? One day the supermarket got new orange juice?machines, and Tom was real excited and asked the?manager if he can work the juice machines. ? ? ? ?? The manager said no. ? ? ? ?? Tom argued, "But I've been working here for 5?years, why can't I run the juice machines?" ? ? ? ?? ranjanam58@...,?krishnam1314@..., Ronesh Mehra <ronesh.whisperingwilds@...>, TEJPAL CHOWDHURY <tejpalchowdhury@...>, Pravin Uberoi <pravinuberoi@...>, Gulu Advani <advanigulu@...>, Sibu Mehra <sabsron@...>,?sg9kere@..., S B Joshi <shashajoshi@...>,?satyenderpuri@..., Kalyana Sundaram <sundarps@...>,?David Vasnaik <dvasnaik@...>,?ksbrar4@..., Cliff <cliffdcosta@...>, TIFFANY BLACKMAN <tiffany@...>,?bbrenner8291@...,?mtbdmb425@..., Stephanie Brenner <stephanie.l.brenner@...>,?asnnbr3@...,?djn94@..., dolores novotny <dsn429@...>,?g_novotny@...,?novotnymartin@...,?ksn64@...,?marknov@...,?nrn97@...,?cincibluer6@...,?Jerryhuff2016@...,s?The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but baggers?can't be juicers." Received from: Just For Grins _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ FAMILY MINUTE WITH MARK MERRILL Do you know how to help your parents as they age? ? ? ? ?? Often, we don’t ask important questions until?颈迟’蝉 too late. You can help your parents by discussing?some key issues with them. Make sure?they have an updated will and that they know where their important legal documents are located. Assist?them in determining if their health insurance?covers their needs. Ask if they need assistance with?housekeeping, shopping, and so on. As our parents age,?their needs change, too. ? ? ? ?? Remember your family first, ? 2005 Mark W. Merrill. All rights reserved. ? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ KID'S INSTANT MESSAGING MESSAGES? ? ? ?? Do you know what your kids or grandkids are?saying when they use instant messaging? Of course not! They have a code that's intended to leave you in the?dark. For instance, if your child types a message that?consists solely of a number, such as 5, that means a?parent (you) are in the room. When they double that?number up, such as 55, that means?the coast is clear. Here are some other codes the kids use when instant?messaging: ? ? ? ?? POS - Parent is over my shoulder, so watch?what you say. ? ? ?POP - Parent is on the prowl and could walk in any?moment. SOS - Sibling over shoulder who will tell on?me. ? ? ?ASL - What's you age, sex and location? TTYL - Talk to you later. ? ? ?BRB - Be right back. HHOK - Ha, ha, only kidding. ? ? ?MOATM - Music on at the moment. LQ - Laughing quietly because someone is in?the room. ? ? ?G2G - Gotta go! CTN - Can't talk now. Copyright 2005, The Kim Komando Show. All rights _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of two girls. My oldest, "Becca," is 17. She has been dating this guy and, as soon as she graduates, plans to move in with him and two of his friends (another couple). What worries me is that their relationship is pretty toxic. They are always fighting. I have begged her not to move in with him, but she won't budge. Becca has some abandonment issues. Her mom left us when Becca was a baby, and my second wife was emotionally abusive to everyone before we divorced. I think this is why Becca refuses to see how bad her own relationship is. How can I show Becca she is making a huge mistake? I don't want her ending up stuck in a horrible relationship. I'm also worried about her getting pregnant right away because neither of them can control themselves. Please help.?-- SINGLE DAD IN ARIZONA DEAR DAD:?After a year of fighting with her boyfriend, Becca may change her mind about moving in with him once she graduates. (One can only hope.) However, if she doesn't, try to arrive at a compromise with her. Tell her you love her, and your door will always be open if she needs to come home. Ask Becca if she would be willing to start using long-term (reversible) birth control, such as an IUD or contraceptive implant, to ensure she's protected from an unplanned pregnancy, which could disrupt her life. Your family doctor can explain her options to her if she's willing. (I'm crossing my fingers that she sees the wisdom.) DEAR ABBY: Last year, I gave my dad a cool flashlight for his birthday. It was rechargeable and had a feature that made it work as a lantern. He seemed excited about it and later told me again that he'd been using it. Abby, this week, my dad gave the flashlight back to me as a gift. Not only that, he went on and on about how thoughtful he was in "finding" this unusual gadget for me! He kept asking if I liked it. I said, yes, I thought it was cool, which is the reason I gave it to him last year. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying and repeatedly asked me to tell him how much I appreciated the gift. I decided not to make a big deal about it, but I think both our feelings were hurt. Is this kind of forgetfulness a sign of something bigger I should be worried about? He does the typical old man thing of repeating stories from the good ole days, but this sort of outright forgetting is new.?-- REGIFTED IN WASHINGTON DEAR REGIFTED:?Yes, in addition to repeating stories about the "good ole days," something like this is cause for concern. If your mother is still in the picture, mention to her how out of character this was of your father. Ask if she has noticed any changes. If she has, suggest that when he sees his doctor for his next physical, he is evaluated neurologically to be sure nothing is wrong. If he lives alone, discuss this with your siblings, if you have any, and suggest that "someone" accompany Dad to his next medical appointment. |