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Daily Clean Jokes for April 26, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a donkey that some people know In a town with a hole down below City hall on the square, And what you will find there Is the borough of burro's burrow. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue. ----- Today's One-Liner: I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long. ----- "Bubble Wrap Dilemma: A Corner Solution" "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours... ----- Heartwarming Visit: Preacher and the Peanut Bowl A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the elderly woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ----- ----- Walking Recovery An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: Have you heard about the cowboy who put Super Glue on his six-shooters? He always stuck to his guns. Did Brad and Angelina consider Spoonerisms when naming their daughter Shiloh Pitt? A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide. I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec. I bought some moonshine from a Chinese guy, but when I tried it, it tasted like grass. I think I got bamboozled. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had jus

Daily Clean Jokes for April 25, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Mrs. Clown tried to squirt her sister; Asked her husband to please assist her. Her hubby was not A very good shot, So you know Mr. mister missed 'er. Jim, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . .and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Puns are a unique form of humor, with the ability to make us laugh and think at the same time. They encourage us to see the world from different perspectives, to question our assumptions, and to appreciate the complexity and beauty of language. So next time you hear a pun, don't just groan—take a moment to appreciate the thought and creativity that went into it. You might find that it brightens your day and broadens your mind at the same time. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." >>>Today's Thot If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can't be friends. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Head Hog One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 50 Eye Care Memes Sure to Make You Laugh https://invisionmag.com/memes/?slide=1 Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Ran a marathon; when 'twas complete, Running club sponsored party, a treat. And they did it so fast, That it left me aghast. It was truly a feat, the feet fete. Erika, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . . "No good in a bed , but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year. Not true. If the paper clip were invented today it would have seventeen advanced integrated circuits, an A.I. chip, a Lithium-ion battery and you’d have to replace it three times a year. -- Thanks for the correction, Conrad. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can discuss discus. The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only. The best way to teach recruits to march is step by step. A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "Your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" What is the fee the government will be charging for hitchhiking called? A Thumb Tax. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Brick Funny My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot I avoid stairs. They're always up to something. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Taxes A fine is a tax you pay for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine you pay for doing all right. Everybody should pay his income tax with a smile. I tried it, but they wanted cash. I went to Washington and visited the Tax Department. I just wanted to see the people I'm working for. I'm putting all my money in taxes--it is the only thing sure to go up. Patrick Henry should come back to see what taxation with representation is like. A taxpayer is a person who has the government on his payroll. Received from WITandWISDOM via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Received from Da Mouse Tracks: What do you call a mouse that can sing? A mouse-ician! I’m feeling a little cheesy today, must be the gouda vibes! Why did the mouse break up with the cheese? It found someone a little more gouda! When mice get toge

Daily Clean Jokes for April 23, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The play authors' club wants to invite An erratic new author; they might. If he stops scripting wrong, To the club he'll belong. So the members all say: wright, write right! A spammer got a hold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how. You should have received an email from me Wednesday evening explaining what happened and how your emal account may or may not have been affected. Please read and heed that actual email from me, not the spam email that was spoofed to look like it was from me. I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone. Thanx, Grover. I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it. Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes: Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group. Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings. Example: heel and heal. And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations. Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow. Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs. I won't attempt to explain. If you want to understand that, you can Google it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: A 100 yard dash on a scorching day ended in a dead heat. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Bill Dyson ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If America Online Was a City ... 1) You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. 2) You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. 3) Once you got outside, even if

Daily Clean Jokes for April 21, 2025 Missing podium, folks think is bound To turn up soon. It must be around In the building somewhere. It was located there In a room aptly named lost stand found. Carol and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today’s Clean Pun: If George Washington were alive today, he couldn't throw a silver dollar across the Potomac because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote-of-the-Day: "Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order." -- John Quincy Adams Today’s One-Liner: "This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own." -- Dave Letterman Quick Joke There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service. During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?" Received from Laugh & Lift A Sketch 'Funny' Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. Forwarded by Steve Sanderson ----- Either you love bacon or you're wrong. Received from Mikey's Funnies ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Daily Thoughts "A story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end ... but not necessarily in that order." -- Jean-Luc Godard "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." -- S?ren Kierkegaard "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." -- George Mueller ----- Brown Pants Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon." The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!" The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat. The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting." The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!" ----- Can't Outsmart a Rancher A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher. The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few mo

Daily Clean Jokes for April 20, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Women saw studly man and did sigh. "His physique is so good, can't deny That it's hard not to stare At the man over there. How 'bout you?" Friend replied, "Aye, I eye." Lee, Conrad, Bill, got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puzzling Bus Shelter Blunder City officials in Mesa, Arizona, have mistakenly installed two bus shelters where no buses run. The installation cost $19,000 at a time when the city is cutting its public transit budget to save money. The shelters were installed as part of a $4.6m improvement project finished about a year ago. Although there is a bus service on part of the road, the vehicles turn before reaching the shelters. And even though the shelters have signs posted saying no buses pass by, people still wait. "It slipped through all of us and didn't get caught until after the fact," said Ethos Kramer, a Mesa city spokesperson. ----- Today's One-Liner: I've discovered that you can turn a regular sofa into a sleeper sofa simply by forgetting your wife's birthday. ----- Young Dressing When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, m ----- Drama at the Airport My wife has just fainted on the luggage carousel at the airport! But I think she's okay - she's slowly coming 'round. ----- Squirrels one Nuts in Texas Churches! There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Lutheran church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the Lutherans who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. -- Pearly Gates. Received from Pastor Tim. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: What do you call a woman who can't stop buying romance novels? A heroine addict. My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter Pollen Mary. New Year's resolution: Something that goes in one year and out the other. My friend opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the convent door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. And then there was the Frenchman who bought up the world supply of dried soup, and became a bouillonaire. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Windows Problem An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it... Continue Reading ----- Sith Lord Wanted Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith

Daily Clean Jokes for April 19, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk: The play authors' club wants to invite An erratic new author; they might. If he stops scripting wrong, To the club he'll belong. So the members all say: wright, write right! A spammer got ahold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how. I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone. Thanx, Grover. I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it. Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes: Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group. Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings. Example: heel and heal. And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations. Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow. Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs. I won't attempt to explain. If you want to understand that, you can Google it. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Lesson Funny The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" >>>Today's Thot If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lily Tomlin Quotes No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought. I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. For fast-acting relief try slowing down. Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it? What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them." -- Unknown ----- Today's One-Liner: Scurvy: When life doesn't give you lemons. ----- No Hate, Just Chill Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything. ----- Unexpected Windfall From the Scottish Daily Record 2-Dec-0

Daily Clean Jokes for April 18, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick There's an author; his name is Jerome, Who's a pervert, has voyeur syndrome. When I gave it a look, I surmised that his book Should be classified as Peeping Tome. Conrad got it. With a rope, I have hauled down the road A webbed hopper. I pulled as I strode. It was not a green frog That I showed on my blog, So you see that I towed a toed toad. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Funny One-Liners1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: Before an airline changes a procedure, they have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly. Maurice Houdaille’s concept for hydraulic shock absorbers was the ride idea. Asking the dog if he had once again ripped up the newspaper was re-tore-ical. Punsters are lonely people because they have such trouble finding anyone willing to go outwit them. "Today," said the professor, "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen." Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward another, "If there is one thing I can't stand, it is an organ recital!" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Lesson Funny The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" >>>Today's Thot If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Douglas Adams Douglas Adams is the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. A learning experience is one of those things that says, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that. The single raindrop never feels responsible for the flood. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by. We are not an endangered species ourselves yet, but this is not for lack of trying. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day. The point is, you see," said Ford, "that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for

Daily Clean Jokes for April 17, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Well-known punster one day averred: "Making wordplay is not absurd. It will put you in bliss, And the reason for this: A good pun is its own reword." Conrad got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Conrad's Puns of the Day: When you take an Italian cooking class, it pasta be careful. When you take a class in making a basil-and-pine-nuts spread, it pesto be careful When you take a flower arranging class, it pistil be careful. When you take a gun safety class, it pistol be careful. When you use glue in class, it paste to be careful. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Shave Funny An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. >>>Today's Thot No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Look Natural It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?" Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE ZOO 10 No matter how much I wash, I still smell like a cheetah. 9 Are you the guy I'm supposed to talk to about the black market elephant? 8 You know, between me and you, that's just a guy in a bear suit. 7 It's time to feed the pythons -- will you help me catch a few squirrels? 6 If you want a good buzz, I've got access to the tranquilizer guns. 5 You know, this isn't a mustache -- this is a rare Andean caterpillar. Want to pet it? 4 Do you hear him? He's laughing at me. 3 Excuse me -- I have to go glue the horn on the "unicorn". 2 Hey, yo -- want to see a dinosaur for twenty bucks? 1 Does it look like I have rabies? From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it

Daily Clean Jokes for April 16, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks In the bookstore, she could not restrict To just one romance novel. She picked Up an armload of books, And it's just as it looks: Woman's simply a heroine addict. Conrad got it! Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dog Quotes 'No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.' -- Fran Lebowitz 'Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!' -- Anne Tyler 'I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.' -- Rita Rudner 'My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.' -- Joe Weinstein 'If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.' -- James Thurber ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: A Bit of Tech Humor "Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs." In the tech world, a 'bug' is a coding error. This pun is a fun way to highlight the frustrations of programmers. It also shows how language evolves with society, as 'bug' takes on a new meaning in the digital age. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off." ----- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. --- A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc. --- Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craf

Daily Clean Jokes for April 15, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Two antennas (antennae?) met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ----- I have a bad, bad pain in my toe, no gout about it. ----- Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before …) Quote of the Day: My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually so today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. — Mark Twain Today's One-Liner: If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year. A Robber Funny During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away." The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits." "I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance." >>>Today's Thot I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kurt Vonnegut Quotes It's a terrible waste to be happy and not notice it. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. I don't know what's going on, and I'm probably not smart enough to understand if somebody was to explain it to me. All I know is we're being tested somehow, by somebody or some thing a whole lot smarter than us, and all I can do is be friendly and keep calm and try and have a nice time till it's over. We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be. And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction. I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves "Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment." Everything is nothing, with a twist. Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne. Unannounced changes in life's itinerary are like dancing lessons from God. Science is magic that works. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. Received from Wayne Onaka. via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The soon to be bride asked her fiancé's friend about his eating habit, to which he replied "he's a very light eater.' Months after the wedding she calls the friend and says "I thought you said he was a light eater?" The friend replied "He is. He begins eating as soon as it is light and continues as long as there is a light in the refrigerator." ----- Bet Ya' Didn't Know: The kiwi, national bird of New Zealand, can't fly. It lives in a hole in the ground, is almost blind, and lays only one egg each year. Despite this, it has survived for more than 70 million years. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side News flash! Invest in a dairy farm and you'll have lots of liquid assets. ----- COMIC RELIEF An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.” Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. “I’ll write it

Daily Clean Jokes for April 14, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks His recliner was one of renown. On his face he is wearing a frown. 'Twas replaced by his wife, Which has caused lots of strife. He's refused to take this sitting down. Lee, Conrad, Jim, Carol, Chris, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Household Budget Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!" Received from Thomas Ellsworth. ----- Girl vs Boys "What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. "What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." - Jason Chase Received from Clean Laffs. via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "The paradise of the rich is made out of the hell of the poor." -- Victor Hugo Today's One-Liner: Being a baby must be scary; imagine sleeping at home and you wake up at Wal-Mart. ----- Dating Disaster I once dated a girl that was actually a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door. ----- Value for Money Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted? Dentist: $300 Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work? That's expensive. Dentist: Okay. I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer. ----- If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST

Daily Clean Jokes for April 13, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceptible and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." In other words, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Quote of the Day: Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered — either by themselves or by others. -- Mark Twain Today's One-Liner: Spelling is a lossed art. Travel Agent Stories The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said "No" He said "But they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said "No, why do you ask?" She replied "Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said "Yeah, whatever" A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't fi

Daily Clean Jokes for April 12, 2024 Today's Clean Limericks Import taxes are being applied. Many people are dissatisfied. They are nervous and scared; Their stress levels have flared. It is obvious they're tariff-ied. Carol, Lee, Jim, Chris, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Trout's Injuries More Bad Luck: Mike Trout Crushed By Falling Piano Sports·Apr 3, 2025 · BabylonBee.com ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: A neutrino walks into the bar and orders a scotch. When the drink arrives, he takes one sip and collapses in a drunken stupor. A neutron looks down on the neutrino disdainfully and says, "Lightweight!" A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." In all fairness to the salesman, he didn't lie to me about the brakes. He said, "You'll love this car. There's no stopping it." Did you hear about the professional bowler who wanted to strike it rich in his spare time? He exp-laned that bowling was right up his alley. David Beckham, the famous English soccer player, was teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer. After a while, Romeo asked his dad what number he should have on his uniform when he starts playing for a team. David replied, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Mouse Funny Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing. "What's that?" asks the other mouse. "Let me see..." says the first. "Ah, yes. It's from 'Gone With the Wind.' " "Is it good?" asks the second. "Not so great," replies the first. "The book was better." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button. ----- Rather "Tardy" Wouldn't You Say? APRIL FOOLS' DAY GROANERS ... Say what? That was almost two weeks ago ... Q: Wanna hear an April Fools' Day joke about paper? A: Never mind, it's tearable. Q: Did you hear the story about the guy who switched the labels on the pumps at the gas station? A: It was an April Fuels' joke. Q: What's the difference between Christmas and April 1? A: One's all about yule and the other is all about fools. Q: How do you start a tough conversation on April 1? A: "If I may speak prankly." Q: What did Elvis say on April 1? A: Prank you, prank you very much. Q: Why don't science teachers trust atoms? A: Because they make up everything. Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they've just finished a 31-day March! Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with April 1? A: April Ghoul's Day! Q: What's the best day for monkey business? A: The first of Ape-ril! Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day? A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful! Q: What monster plays the most April Fools' Day jokes? A: Prankenstein! >>>Today's Thot Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious. ----- A "Composer" Funny SUNDAY COMPOSERS By Dr. Michael A. Halleen "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. . . . (Let us) use it in proportion to (our) faith." (Romans 12:6) Alexander Borodin was a nineteenth century Russian composer, a member of "The Mighty Handful," a group of that nation's five leading composers dedicated to producing a distinctly Russian music. His opera, Prince Igor, is thought by some to have been his most significant work. Borodin, however, always considered himself no more than a part-time musician—a "Sunday composer," as he called himself. His training and

Daily Clean Jokes for April 11, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Rope gets tangled once more; what a pain. All the woman's attempts are in vain. So she tries not to cuss, Which would make a big fuss, And instead she exclaims, "Knot again!" Lee, Conrad, Carol, Chris, Bill, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A cow that can milk itself, juggle and text at the same time! -- Conrad Macina ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: Towels can't tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I work at a laundromat ... Sure it's loads of fun working there but I think it's run its cycle for me. I just hope it won't be a stain on my resume. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Life Funny Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life." >>>Today's Thot If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there's more manure. ----- This one is arriving very, very late and without an excuse: APRIL FOOLS DAY FUNNIES Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good April Fools' joke? I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fools' Day, but you didn't like it. What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April 1st? On Thanksgiving, you're grateful and on April 1st, you're prankful. Why were the monkeys pranking each other? It was the first of Ape-ril! Wanna hear an April Fools' Day joke about paper? Never mind擁t's tearable. What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. Why do hard-boiled eggs love April Fools'? They enjoy practical yolks. Why don't eggs tell April Fools' jokes? They'd crack each other up. I was going to tell you a pizza joke for April Fools' Day, but it was too cheesy. Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice April Fools' joke get any worse? >>>Today's Thot Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they've just finished a 31-day March! Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lawyer's Dog A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150. Received from Joke du Jour ----- Airport Play Set A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly - which was actually a lot of assembly - was required, her father spent much of the evening putting together the plane, control tower, ru

Daily Clean Jokes for April 10, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Before airlines make changes, they try Pilot projects. Will things go awry? And the reason they do All this testing for you: Just to see if the changes will fly. Conrad, Lee, Chris, Erika, Jim, Bill, Grover got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Procrastination is a dish best served eventually." - Unknown ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Fun fact: Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Mouse Funny Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing. "What's that?" asks the other mouse. "Let me see..." says the first. "Ah, yes. It's from 'Gone With the Wind.' " "Is it good?" asks the second. "Not so great," replies the first. "The book was better." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pronunciation A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough." Received from Clean Laffs -----Hat Removal A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat." Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grandpa and the Computer The computer swallowed Grandpa Yes honestly, its true. He pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It's devoured him completely The thought just makes me squirm. Maybe he's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the internet But nothing could I find. I asked Jeeves in desperation My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online. So, if someday in your 'Inbox' My Grandpa you should see. Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' him In an e-mail back to me. ----- Virginia Earthquake The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington, D.C. The cause appears to be the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves. ----- A Writer's Regrets I wrote a book on penguins. Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper ----- Speeding Ticket Turns into a Crime Spree Confession?! Buckle Up for Laughs A police: officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exc

Daily Clean Jokes for April 9, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The last line has a well-known cliché That contains, as expected, wordplay. In heaven's football games, They're finding many names Of some quarterbacks who passed away. Jim, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: Writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard famously said, “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. -- Mark Twain It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. -- Ellen DeGeneres Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. -- Elizabeth Foley ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Two friends took ropes to school so that they could skip out. When you use glue in class, it paste to be careful. A teacher having a tough time longs for the end of the school daze. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pious Old Man A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore? "The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" Received from Beliefnet.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," the woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Bermiece B. Phillips _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No Kidding In his sermon at the ordination service of an associate minister, our pastor reminded our new shepherd that preaching is central both to her work as a minister of the Word and to the life of the church. He compared the c