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?I do not know what is happening that you did not receive this Tiffany.? Strange indeed. -- Marilyn Daily Clean Jokes for April 23, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The play authors' club wants to invite An erratic new author; they might. ????????????If he stops scripting wrong, ????????????To the club he'll belong. So the members all say:?wright,?write?right! ? A spammer got a hold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how.? You should have received an email from me Wednesday evening explaining what happened and how your emal account may or may not have been affected.? Please read and heed that actual email from me, not the spam email that was spoofed to look like it was from me. ? I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone.??Thanx, Grover.??I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it.??Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes: ? Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings.??Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group.??Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings.??Example: heel and heal.??And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations.??Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow.??Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs.??I won't attempt to explain.??If you want to understand that, you can Google it. ? Kirk Miller -----? ? ? ? ?? ? Kirk Miller ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ?Some men say they don¡¯t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that¡¯s the point, isn¡¯t it? ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ?I never knew what happiness was until I got married¡ªand then it was too late. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Pun of the Day:? ? A 100 yard dash on a scorching day ended in a dead heat. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Bill Dyson ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If America Online Was a City ...? 1) You'd live in a place where no two people had the?same name. 2) You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. 3) Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL modems for only $399.99. 4) The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. 5) 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from?. 6) The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. 7) The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move. 8) If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us." 9) Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." 10) Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. 11) You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation. 12) You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up. 13) The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money. 14) Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW." ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ BIRTHDAZE? ? ? ~ He looks like a million bucks ... after taxes. ~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth ...?she lies about her age. ~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated. ~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy ... about 10 years shy. ~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his. ~ I've stopped exercising ... pushing 50 is enough exercise for me. He's so old ... ... he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup. ... he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors ... he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent Received from Mikey's Funnies ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Never Judge a Book by Its Author? * Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax * French Overpopulation...Francis Crowded * Fallen Underwear ..........Lucy Lastic * Downpour! ...................Wayne Dwops * Cloning .........................Ima Dubble * Irish Flooring .................Lynn O'Leum * I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth * Inflammation, Please ......Arthur Itis * Handel's Messiah ..........Ollie Luyah * House Construction .......Bill Jerome Home * Unemployed ..................Anita Job * Holmes Does it Again.....Scott Linyard * Home Alone IV .............Eddie Buddyhome * Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland * Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace * The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat * Neither a Borrower ........Nora Lender Bee * The French Chef ............Sue Flay * Tight Situation ................Leah Tard * The Scent of a Man ........Jim Nasium * Why Cars Stop ..............M. T. Tank * Wind in the Willows ........Russell Ingleaves * Look Younger ................Fay Slift * Mountain Climbing .........Andover Hand * It's Springtime! ...............Theresa Green * No! ................................Kurt Reply * And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ George Carlin's Views on Aging? ? Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.? Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling? What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.? Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half! *HOW TO STAY YOUNG* 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " . 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never? let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's Workshop." And the?devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types ¡°two mongeese¡±. That doesn¡¯t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses. ?----- "Dad, I am hungry." ----- Thought Of The Day:??We've All Got Weaknesses ¡°We¡¯ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I¡¯m tragically funny and good-looking.¡±?¨D Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena Received from aJokeADay. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood. ----- A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. ----- The 3 stages of man: ----- When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.? The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A few comics did not arrive today. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? On Wed, Apr 23, 2025 at 5:29?AM tiffany.blackman2019 via <tiffany.blackman2019=[email protected]> wrote: --
????????????????? ~~ Remember ~~
If you forward this, please remove all email addresses before you send it on, and use the Bcc: area when forwarding to friends. ? ????? ¡°Be kind to our email friends¡± |
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