Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for April 26, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 26, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? There's a donkey that some people know In a town with a hole down below ????????????City hall on the square, ????????????And what you will find there Is the?borough?of?burro's?burrow. ? Chris and Jim got it. ?
?? -----? ? ? ? ?? ? Kirk Miller ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? ? Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue. ----- ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? ? I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long.? ----- "Bubble Wrap Dilemma:? A Corner Solution" "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours... ? ----- ? Heartwarming Visit:? Preacher and the Peanut Bowl A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.? As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the elderly woman says.? "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."?
-----? ----- ? Walking Recovery ? ?An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?Kirk's Puns of the Day:? ? Have you heard about the cowboy who put Super Glue on his six-shooters? ????He always stuck to his guns. ? Did Brad and Angelina consider Spoonerisms when naming their daughter Shiloh Pitt? ? A woman went on a tour of the White House.??As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.??"My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide. ? I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software.??I guess I'm just anti-Symantec. ? I bought some moonshine from a Chinese guy, but when I tried it, it tasted like grass.??I think I got bamboozled. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny ? ?A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." Today's Thot If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can't be friends. ? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? A caveman and a bear walk into a bar. The barman asks, "What's your story?" The caveman starts thinking then says,"Bear with me." ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. ----- Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. ¡°I¡¯ll go into town for a doctor,¡± the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Like A Peanuts Character ¡°I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.¡±?¨D Jon Stewart ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two political candidates were having a hot debate. -----
----- In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." --- As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. --- In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board." --- Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt...therefore, the expression losing face." Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace. --- Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." --- Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." --- At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's." ----- What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend? ? What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with explosives?Dino-mite ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Streaming Now on Disney+ Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A "Rich" Funny THE RICH FAMILY IN CHURCH By Eddie Ogan I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money. By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially. When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save?$20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1. We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives. Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering. The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change. We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before. That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering. We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet. But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich. When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20. As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills. Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night. We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor. That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor! I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way. Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week. Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering. When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church." Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100." We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus! [forwarded by Willard Caddell, who was a very rich man...RIP] >>>Today's Thot Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.? |
| - April 11, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the parents of three grown sons. Our middle son ("Kurt," age 29) has been in conflict with his younger brother ("Jared," age 26) for more than a year. Kurt started doing stand-up comedy but still works a day job to pay his bills. Jared now has also started doing comedy. We suspect the disagreement started well before they did stand-up, but now there is name-calling, and both refuse to be in the same room as the other. Kurt has not attended a family gathering where Jared is in attendance for more than a year. Recently, Kurt said he would attend our holidays and could be civil, but now Jared says he won't be in the same room with him since they have had no dialogue, and the personal attacks were not addressed. He wants Kurt to be held accountable. They had one joint counseling session. Both found it counterproductive. My sons are adults, and we can't tell them how to live their lives. Kurt wants Jared to quit comedy because he feels it is an invasion of his life as well as his friend circle. Kurt has said mean things to these shared friends. Jared has apologized to Kurt for his past behavior, which included excessive drinking and other destructive activities. As you can imagine, we don't find any of this funny. We, as parents, don't know how to handle this. Your advice is greatly appreciated. -- PARENTS IN TURMOIL IN OHIO DEAR PARENTS: You can't fix this. Your sons are adults and will have to reach a detente on their own. Continue to invite both of your sons to family gatherings, and hope that eventually Jared will mellow. Comedy is a tough field. May the best comedian be left standing. DEAR ABBY: I have had a housecleaner helping me to take care of my home for the last 30 years. She comes sometimes every week, sometimes every other week. She works part-time at another job, and we work around her schedule. When I retired five years ago and the pandemic began, I was sitting full time for my grandkids. Everyone is in school now, and I think I would like to clean the house myself. I enjoy cleaning, but I welcomed the help when I was working full time with my kids and then the grandkids. My housecleaner and I are friendly and visit when she's here. I am wondering how to go about ending this relationship, as well as what I owe her for her loyalty and help. -- CLEANING HOUSE IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR CLEANING HOUSE: Talk to your housekeeper and explain to her what you are thinking. Offer her several months' salary. Then, instead of cutting her off completely, ask if she would come to you once a month "to catch any spots you miss, as well as to visit." (You said you have become friends.) After doing the housecleaning for a month or so, you may find it isn't as enjoyable as you remembered and increase the woman's visits if she is still available. Good housekeepers are hard to find, and she may be busy. |
By Michael Roizen, M.D.
"All things in moderation" isn't always true -- moderate exposure to someone with measles when you haven't been vaccinated (or had the disease) isn't smart. Neither is moderate indulgence in highly processed foods -- that'll up your risk of obesity, Type 2 diabetes, dementia, and cardiovascular disease. But you'll be glad to hear that sometimes moderate (or light) consumption of things that are harmful when over-the-top can actually improve your chances for better health. Take wine.
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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