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Household BudgetMother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Girl vs Boys
"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic.
"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." - Jason Chase
Received from Clean Laffs.
?via GCFL.
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Quote of the Day:? ?"The paradise of the rich is made out of the hell of the poor."?-- Victor Hugo
Today's One-Liner:? ?Being a baby must be scary; imagine sleeping at home and you wake up at Wal-Mart.
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Dating Disaster
I once dated a girl that was actually a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
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Value for Money
Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work? That's expensive.
Dentist: Okay. I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.
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?If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek:? The Next Generation
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me.
Worf: Not me.
Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
THE END?
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Received from Pastor Tim.
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I ordered new coats for my kids...
For convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.
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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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Thought Of The Day:??We Can Only Feel Sorry
“We can only feel sorry for ourselves when our misfortunes are still supportable. Once this limit is crossed, the only way to bear the unbearable is to laugh at it.”?– Marjane Satrapi
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When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...
Mistaken for patience!
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Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.
After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."
I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"
After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."
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Thought Of The Day:??Never Give Up "Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."
– Earl Nightingale |
Received from aJokeADay.com.
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."
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Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about the problem. So Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep.
Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the door.
"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"
"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you yesterday?"
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FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.?
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."?
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
?- -Girl vs Boys "What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. ?"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." -- Jason Chase??Received from Clean Laffs.
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STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."
<...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Dick Cavett is joined by comedian Don Rickles. Date aired – 13th April 1972
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I've been divorced for 13 years and have been dating "Paul" for the last five years. Paul is kind, helps with things around the house and loves my friends and family. We share many common interests and enjoy being together. We are now considering moving to the next step: marriage. We already live together. The problem is that Paul is not financially responsible. He helps pay the bills, and we alternate picking up the tab when we go out. I earn more than he does, which is no big deal, but I do not have retirement set up or great insurance. If we were married, it would help my insurance problems. The house and assets are in my name. Part of the reason for my divorce was my ex's inability to manage money, which got us into a world of debt. I don't want to go through that again. I'd love to marry Paul but do not want to take on his financial debt. What's the right decision to make? -- STUCK ON THIS IN WISCONSIN DEAR STUCK: The right thing for you to do would be to discuss this with an attorney who can help you figure out if you really want to be legally married to Paul. Marrying someone to get on his insurance is not the right way to go. Talking with an insurance agent about a program for which you might be eligible would be not only enlightening, but also advantageous.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Buddy's" daughter is at an age between my two daughters' ages. She is 11; mine are 10 and 13. I've known Buddy since junior high, and our wives get along well. We live close to each other, and that's great, but their daughter "Edie" is a nightmare to have stay with us. She's mean, arrogant, disobedient and incredibly rude. My wife and I love spending time with Buddy and his wife. Their younger daughter is 3 and adorable but also very spoiled. We don't want to jeopardize our friendship, but it's starting to wear on us to have Edie here without going off on them about her behavior. How can we bring this to their attention without it seeming like we're critiquing their parenting and upsetting them? -- FED UP IN ILLINOIS DEAR FED UP: Is Edie mean, arrogant, disobedient and rude in the presence of her parents, or has she been invited to spend time with your girls separately? If it is the latter and you don't want Edie to negatively influence your girls by modeling bad behavior, explain to her that you have "certain rules" at your house and what they are. Make sure she knows that if she can't follow the rules she won't be invited again. If Edie behaves this badly in her parents' presence, tell Buddy and his wife privately that although you value their friendship, you no longer want their daughter over there because you don't want her behavior to influence your own kids. |
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Give?us a sense of humor,?
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??
Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.
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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??
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