开云体育

?Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? ?

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Today's One-Liner:? ?

? Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.??

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Pun of the Day:?

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What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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?A Business Funny

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

>>>Today's Thot

If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can't be friends.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth?via GCFL.

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?50 Eye Care Memes Sure to Make You Laugh

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Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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On the Lighter Side?

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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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?An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

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Received from Anna Welander.

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I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.

Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.

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Summer vacation was over and young Jack returned to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

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Thought Of The Day:

I Make Love With A Focus

“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”

― Dark Jar Tin Zoo

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindnessMy apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

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A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"?

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."?

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of the story:?To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high...

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Management Quotes

A magazine ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their?real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here were the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

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Good Advice, Military Style

• "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
• "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
• "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
• "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
• "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
• "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
• "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF
• "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan
• "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
• "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
• "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
• "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
• "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
• "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
• "Never trade luck for skill."
• The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
• "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
• "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
• "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
• "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
• "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
• Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
• "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
• "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
• "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
• "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
• Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
• As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft - having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing - the crash truck arrives, a rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot replies: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Steve Martin's first major television appearance on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in 1968.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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DEAR ABBY: My dad is a registered sex offender who has done time for his crimes against children. My mother has continued to have contact with him and has repeatedly chosen him over her own children. She doesn't respect our wishes, and we believe she gives him information about our lives and our images. With a child on the way, I cannot continue the same level of contact with her because of this. I'm not willing to have my child be at her home because she has Dad there often. I'm also unwilling to give her photographs of my child because I believe she would share them with Dad. I won't leave her alone with my little one because I believe she'd immediately set up a get-together for my sex offender dad to have contact with my child. How should I handle setting these boundaries? What do I do if other members of my family blame me for splitting up our family? -- MAMA BEAR IN OHIO DEAR MAMA BEAR: You are the mama (bear), and you get to set the rules when it comes to who has access to your child. Because you cannot trust your mother not to ignore the boundaries you are setting, you will have to restrict her access to her grandchild. If this causes problems with other family members, so be it. You don't have to apologize to anyone for doing your job. Sex offenders are supposed to stay away from minor children after they have served their time. If they don't do that, they should be reported to the police.

DEAR ABBY: Is there ever a way to give unsolicited advice in a way it can be appreciated? A co-worker I've become friendly with spent the weekend in the hospital with off-the-charts high blood pressure. She went to the clinic for a headache last Friday, and they sent her to the ER immediately. I'm very worried she's going to have a stroke. She's in an unhappy marriage to a man who is mean. When they fight, which is often, she retreats and goes out to eat in order to avoid him and feel better. She has also started drinking every night (she kids about how much wine she buys) and has put on a lot of weight. When she talks about trying to get healthy, we plan walking dates or to go to yoga at lunch. What I really want to do is ask, "Have you thought about marriage counseling?" because if she could lower her relationship stress, the other things might be easier. She hasn't asked for my advice. Should I give it anyway? -- MINDING MY BUSINESS DEAR MINDING: Eventually, yes. However, before you do that, please tell your co-worker she needs to have a serious talk with her physician about her blood pressure problem. There is medication for it, as well as certain dietary restrictions. After she has done that -- and her blood pressure is stabilized -- would be the time to suggest she talk with a marriage and family therapist about how to improve her relationship with her husband.

Received from Dear Abby.

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Choose Your Friends Wisely
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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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