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Daily Clean Jokes for April 24, 2025? ? ? ? ? ??

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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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Ran a marathon; when 'twas complete,

Running club sponsored party, a treat.

????????????And they did it so fast,

????????????That it left me aghast.

It was truly a?feat, the?feet?fete.

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Erika, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Bill got it.

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Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? ??I once had a rose named after me and I was very?flattered. But I was not pleased to read the?description in the catalogue . . . . "No good in a bed?, but fine against a wall."? -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Today's One-Liner:? If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year.

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Kirk's Puns of the Day:?

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If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can?discuss discus.

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The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only.

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The best way to teach recruits to march is step by step.

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A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "Your mother says your prayers for you each night???Very commendable.??What does she say?"??The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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What is the fee the government will be charging for hitchhiking called?

????A Thumb Tax.

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A Brick Funny

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

>>>Today's Thot

I avoid stairs. They're always up to something.?

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Taxes

A fine is a tax you pay for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine you pay for doing all right.

Everybody should pay his income tax with a smile. I tried it, but they wanted cash.

I went to Washington and visited the Tax Department. I just wanted to see the people I'm working for.

I'm putting all my money in taxes--it is the only thing sure to go up.

Patrick Henry should come back to see what taxation with representation is like.

A taxpayer is a person who has the government on his payroll.

Received from WITandWISDOM??via GCFL.

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?Received from Da Mouse Tracks:

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1. What do you call a mouse that can sing? A mouse-ician!
2. I’m feeling a little cheesy today, must be the gouda vibes!
3. Why did the mouse break up with the cheese? It found someone a little more gouda!
4. When mice get together, do they have a gouda time?

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On the Lighter Side?

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TV Trivia Frisky Dingo Metalocalypse Cowboy Bebop Aqua Teen Hunger Force ?|

Cooking Trivia Hershey Wilkes-Barre Punxsutawney Pittsburgh ?|?

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Received from Reddit Clean.

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My dog’s name is Minton.

Today he ate my shuttlecock.

Bad Minton!

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Madame Gloria: "Alfred, why didn't you water the garden yesterday?"

Alfred the butler: "It was raining, madam."

Madame Gloria: "Well, that's hardly an excuse, couldn't you have taken an umbrella?"

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Thought Of The Day:??Last Man On Earth

“The shortest horror story:

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.”

― Frederic Brown

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

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What happens when geese land in a volcano?
They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon!

What is a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment!

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A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.?

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"?

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?" she asked.

"You know."

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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An all-star ensemble of beloved characters from Walt Disney Animation Studios come together in “Once Upon a Studio” for a joyful, entertaining and emotional reunion as they assemble for a spectacular group photo to mark Disney's 100th anniversary. Featuring 543 Disney characters from more than 85 feature-length and short films, “Once Upon a Studio” welcomes heroes and villains, princes...

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.

According to Mayo Clinic Proceedings, women gain around 1.5 pounds a year while going through menopause. That may not sound like a lot, but if your hormone shift takes 10 years, that's 15 pounds. So, it adds up -- 75% of women age 60 and older are overweight, increasing their risk for lower quality of life, more chronic disease, dementia, hip fractures, and premature death.

Now, a study in JAMA Network Open shows that postmenopausal women who lose (and keep off) 5% of their body ...

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.

According to Mayo Clinic Proceedings, women gain around 1.5 pounds a year while going through menopause. That may not sound like a lot, but if your hormone shift takes 10 years, that's 15 pounds. So, it adds up -- 75% of women age 60 and older are overweight, increasing their risk for lower quality of life, more chronic disease, dementia, hip fractures, and premature death.

Now, a study in JAMA Network Open shows that postmenopausal women who lose (and keep off) 5% of their body ...

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single man with no siblings. My elderly father passed away eight months ago. My mother is now in hospice with a life expectancy of weeks to months. My parents have lived long and productive lives, and I'm proud of both of them. We have always been very close. Since their terminal illnesses, I have managed to function fairly well. My problem is with certain "triggers." For example, I can no longer go to the beach because I always remember my father's voice welcoming me home when I returned. The worst one is when people see my childhood photos and say, "Your parents must have loved you a lot." I know these people mean well, but I can't help grieving over the bond I had and have lost with my parents. I plan to seek counseling, but I would appreciate any advice you would have about reducing the effect of these triggers. -- THEIR SON IN SAN DIEGO DEAR SON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. You may need help coping with the pain of losing him, as well as dealing with your mother's sad prognosis. When a loved one dies, there are, of course, bittersweet memories. Managing them is an individual process. If you haven't joined a grief support group, I urge you to find one. If the group setting doesn't provide enough help for the overwhelming emotions you are feeling, a licensed psychotherapist can offer more support. The people helping your mother with her hospice care surely can suggest some resources for you. Please don't put it off. Start now.

DEAR ABBY: How long would you give your partner to get a full-time job? What if that partner was helpful in other areas of the household, brought in rental income from a home he owned and helped with the kids? I am in a predicament. My spouse has been working as an adjunct professor since we met and has remained in that career for 17 years without benefits or a salary that can support us. We have children now, and I have been working my tail off for more than 10 years to provide a lifestyle for our family. Would you let your husband continue in his dream of adjunct professor, or make him get an additional part-time job to bring in more income? And would you leave this person if he didn't want to do more to help provide for the family? -- EXHAUSTED IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR EXHAUSTED: Would leaving your husband improve your lifestyle? You and your husband should consult a financial adviser and discuss your situation. From what you have written, your husband doesn't sit around doing nothing. He may be doing his best to contribute in other ways. If the numbers don't add up, it is possible he may need to do something more to generate income. But a word of caution: Do not issue an ultimatum unless you are ready to follow through.

Received from Dear Abby.

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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