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Daily Clean Jokes for April 19, 2025? ? ? ? ? ??

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Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk:? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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The play authors' club wants to invite

An erratic new author; they might.

????????????If he stops scripting wrong,

????????????To the club he'll belong.

So the members all say:?wright,?write?right!

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A spammer got ahold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how.??

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I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone.??Thanx, Grover.??I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it.??Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes:

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Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings.??Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group.??Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings.??Example: heel and heal.??And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations.??Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow.??Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs.??I won't attempt to explain.??If you want to understand that, you can Google it.

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Kirk Miller

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?A Lesson Funny

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers.

"Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

>>>Today's Thot

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?

What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other.

Received from Wayne Onaka?via GCFL.

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Quote of the Day:? ?"I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them." -- Unknown

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Today's One-Liner:? ?Scurvy: When life doesn't give you lemons.

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?No Hate, Just Chill

Stop hating on lazy people.

We didn't even do anything.

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Unexpected Windfall

?From the Scottish Daily Record 2-Dec-01.

Some bus fare dodgers in the UK who, thinking they were getting away with avoiding bus fares by using substitute coins in the fare machine, were giving away a treasure trove of outdated, foreign coins.

For example, two gold half-sovereigns worth about $45 each were found in the collection. In total the rare coins tallied to about $7,500.

The bus company, Lothian Buses in Scotland, donated the coins to charity.

Jesus looked directly at them and asked, "Then what is the meaning of that which is written: "'The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone'??- Luke 20:17

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?Wimpy Dad

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small girl into bed.? She was about to turn off the light when she asked with a tremor in her voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave her a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said.? "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by her shaking little voice:? "The big sissy."

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Received from Pastor Tim

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When Nature Calls in Church:? A Wee Problem!

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

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Yesterday I saw my neighbor kicking in his own door...

Turns out he's a burglar who started working from home.

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A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.

The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”

“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”

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Thought Of The Day:??In Your Cheerios

“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”?

--?Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Correct answer is Three...

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

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A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

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Thought Of The Day:??I'd Love To Stand Here

“I’d love to stand here and talk with you… but I’m not going to.”

— Phil Connors (Groundhog Day)

Received from aJokeADay.com.

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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.
He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights. All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.

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** Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

** Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

** Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

** The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

** It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

** It needs cleaning less often than private ..

** It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches..

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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the parking meter ... "There's plenty of time left."

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Even More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Ever imagine what would happen if Superman took Batman's place as the son of the Wayne family?

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Jerry makes us feel good, a lot. Directed by Martin Scorsese. Get ready to laugh till you drop as comedy legend Jerry Lewis takes the stage in this classic SCTV sketch! In this uproarious video, Jerry Lewis performs live on the Champs Elysees, and the hilarity begins right from the start

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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DEAR ABBY: At 63, I am the youngest sister of four siblings. We grew up in the turmoil of Dad's alcoholism and hoarding, as well as physical and emotional abuse from both our parents. One of my sisters, "June," was sexually assaulted by my brother. She's 71 now and hasn't worked since she was in her early 30s. She supports herself on Social Security and a pension from her ex-husband. Her ex-husband recently passed away, and the pension stopped. She now expects my sister and me to pay her rent because she's "too old to be working anymore." Abby, June is perfectly capable of getting a part-time job. She refuses to apply for anything despite my telling her I will pay her rent for only two more months. My other sister, "Lisa," is guilting me by saying "we don't want to see her on the street." I'm about to retire after working 48 years. I worked two jobs until I was 52. I'm extremely angry about the situation. Although I can afford it, I don't feel it should be my responsibility because June won't make any effort to help herself. Advice? -- SIBLING DRAMA IN NEW YORK DEAR SIBLING DRAMA: Schedule a family discussion for yourself and your two sisters. At that time, tell them you are willing to help June and, IF she gets a part-time job, you would be willing to pay part of her rent IF Lisa will split the cost with you. Do this only if both your sisters are willing to make it a joint effort.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I always host every holiday. During each holiday before we eat, we say a Catholic mealtime prayer because we are religious. However, recently, my husband's nieces and nephews, who are in their early 20s, stopped participating in the prayer. I am OK with that, but they talk and mock our prayer while we are praying. How can we handle this? Our children noticed how inappropriate they were. I understand if they don't want to participate, but shouldn't they sit quietly and respect us? I am against them coming into our home, mocking our religion and then putting out their hand for a gift. Thanks for any words of wisdom. -- FAITHFUL HOSTESS IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR HOSTESS: Wow. Your husband's nieces' and nephews' behavior is beyond rude. If they don't wish to join you in the pre-meal prayer, they absolutely should be respectful and sit quietly until you are finished. When it happens again, the first words out of your husband's mouth after "Amen" should be to tell them that what they're doing is rude and not appreciated. However, if he can't bring himself to do that, the ball will be in your court.

Received from Dear Abby.

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Give?us a sense of humor,?

Give us the grace to see a joke, ?

To?get some humor out of life, ?

and pass it on to other folk? ...??

Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.?

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PASS IT ON!

Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!??

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