Daily Clean Jokes for November 12, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 12, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??
Kirk's Limerick
There's a saying the man did treasure As a carpenter, gave him pleasure, ????????????For he thought it was nice ????????????To draw lines not once -- twice. He was doing it?for?good?measure. ? Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.? ??
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Kirk's Puns
Mickey Mouse stole all of Minnie's apples. Yes, he left Minnie apple-less. ? After working twenty-four hours straight, I called it a day. ? What do you call a woman throwing her bills in the fire? ????Bernadette ? Growing up near the railroad tracks years ago, I was afraid of the hoboes.??But Mom was great.??There would be a knock on the door at night, and she would shout, "Leave it alone. That is a bum rap if I ever heard one." ? MADRID, Spain - A most unusual court case of attempted murder has captivated this historic city.??A man, Jorge Fuentes, has been charged and convicted of attempted murder of his wife.??It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife to suicide.??The bird would constantly repeat, "End it all" and "Life is not worth living."??The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the judge.??After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Jorge.??The bird was not convicted, because it was a Minah.
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True News
? Take Care:?Catherine Banks was set to fly on Delta Airlines from San Francisco International Airport when the flight attendant demanded, ¡°You need to get off theplane.¡± ¡ª and marched her back to the jet bridge. Confused, Banks asked him what the problem was. ¡°He said ¡®that shirt you¡¯re wearing is threatening¡¯,¡± Banks said. ¡°Are you kidding me?¡± she responded. ¡°I¡¯ve been in the Marine Corps for 22 years and worked for the Air Force for 15 years.¡± He replied, ¡°I don¡¯t care about your service. The only way you¡¯re going to get back on the plane is if you take it off right now.¡± And he was going to watch her do it, even though she wasn¡¯t wearing a bra. She turned away from him to change into a sweatshirt, and he let her sit down again ¡ª in the back, not in the extra-legroom seat she had paid for. The delay caused her to miss her connecting flight. The ¡°threat¡± on the shirt? ¡°Do Not Give In to the War Within.? End Veteran Suicide.¡± When contacted by a reporter, the airline said only that ¡°Delta is seeking to make contact with the customer directly to hear more so we can begin to look into what occurred.¡±? Delta called her, offering a free flight, but not an apology. She refused the offer. The shirt is from Til Valhalla Project, which uses proceeds from sales to fund memorials for veterans who resorted to suicide. TVP says sales of the shirt jumped 4,000 percent after the story broke. (RC/KNTV San Jose)?...The flight attendant doesn¡¯t care. Maybe Delta should. Voter Roll:?Oregon¡¯s Measure 119, which if passed will unionize cannabis workers in the state, is on the November ballot. According to Michael Selvaggio, who authored one of the ¡°Arguments in Favor¡± for the state voters¡¯ pamphlet, ¡°Oregon¡¯s cannabis workers need these freedoms to unionize and be protected when they do so.¡± He gave an impassioned defense of the measure, ending with: ¡°Now read the first word of each sentence to hear what Measure 119 will never do.¡± Those words are:¡°Never¡±, ¡°going¡±, ¡°to¡±, ¡°give¡±, ¡°you¡±, ¡°up¡±, ¡°never¡±, ¡°going¡±, ¡°to¡±, ¡°let¡±, ¡°you¡±, and ¡°down¡±. (MS/KPTV Portland)?...To be officially known as the ¡°Astley Argument¡±. High Winds:?There were winds as high as 101 mph in Florida during Hurricane Milton, the BBC reported. On its own weather app, however, the BBC warned of much higher winds in Rome (5,293 mph), and still more devastating winds in London ¡ª winds it said would reach an astounding 13,508 mph. ¡°We recognise there is huge interest in weather today and this is incredibly frustrating,¡± BBC Weather said in a statement, but the wind speeds were, as one might guess, false. The temperature of 404 degrees Celsius predicted for Sydney was likewise not to be found in reality. BBC Weather uses data from DTN, a forecasting company, which said there had been a ¡°technical error¡± and apologized. (AC/BBC)?...Could¡¯ve been worse. Could¡¯ve been correct. Walking Matilda:?While bushwalking in the Hunter Valley with friends, Matilda Campbell, 23, of New South Wales, Australia, pulled out her phone to take a photo ¡ª and dropped it among some boulders. She tried reaching for it and fell herself ¡ª head down, wedged among the same boulders. Luckily for her, the friends were able to summon help, but it was more than an hour after the fall before rescuers arrived. ¡°In my 10 years as a rescue paramedic I had never encountered a job quite like this,¡± said Peter Watts of NSW Ambulance. ¡°It was challenging but incredibly rewarding.¡± Challenging: it took 6 hours to get Campbell out. Rewarding: not only was she not injured beyond abrasions and bruises, but incredibly patient while crews figured out how to get her out without a boulder crushing her. ¡°Thank you to the team who saved me,¡± Campbell wrote in an online appreciation. ¡°You guys are literally life savers. Too bad about the phone though.¡± ¡ª she never reached it. (RC/ABC Australia)?...Archeologists will find it in a few thousand years, and determine it was an artifact used in ancient boulder worship rituals.
Gesundheit
Sartorially Suave Alpaca Sneezes on King Charles
AFP headline
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____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Police?Funny
These comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...
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> "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
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> "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
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> "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
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> "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
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> "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help.? Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"
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> "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
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> "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
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> "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey doodoo.'
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> "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
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> "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"
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> "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."
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> "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
>>>Today's Thot
Karaoke bars combine two great evils: People who shouldn't drink and people who shouldn't sing.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Car BatteryAn angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery, you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. You know that feeling of being, well, not right? You're always tired, you think you might be getting sick, and you feel generally off your game. That's called malaise and it's more common than you might think. That's because it can be associated with a wide array of lifestyle habits, infections, chronic diseases, certain medications and emotional distress (maybe caused by a lack of passion, posse and play). Sometimes it comes on suddenly -- other times, it can creep up on you slowly, eroding ...
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DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Sid," was a young adult, his mother died by suicide. A few years later, when his maternal grandparents died, his mother's two siblings inherited his grandparents' estate. Other family members have commented that it seemed wrong for Sid and his sister to be disinherited from their mother's share of the estate. Because Sid and his sister were young adults, they didn't have enough confidence or support to question their aunt and uncle. Their father was out of the picture. Forty years later, this is still a source of pain for Sid and his sister. They feel they were intentionally disinherited, while their closest relatives act like nothing is wrong. Is there a way to approach the family to resolve this pain? -- SAD FOR SID IN NEVADA DEAR SAD: I strongly suspect that that ship sailed 40 years ago. However, I am not a lawyer. Your husband and his sister should ask an attorney who specializes in wills, estates and trusts this question to see what exactly happened back then and if anything can be done now to change it.
DEAR ABBY: I will turn 18 in six months. I know I should be happy, but to be completely honest with you, I'm scared to become an adult. I don't feel I'm ready to grow up and leave my childhood behind. What should I do? What can I do? -- UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR UNHAPPY: What, precisely, are you afraid of? All people do not mature at the same rate. It takes some individuals until they are well over the age of 21 to assume the responsibilities of being an adult. Others are ready at 18, provided they have already been given some responsibilities by their parents. The insecurities you are experiencing are things you should be talking about with them. You might also discuss this with a trusted teacher or counselor at school. If you do, you may realize that you are far from alone in the feelings you are having.
DEAR ABBY: I have been unlucky in love ever since I started dating, and I'm feeling like I just can't put myself out there again. My last relationship looked promising -- I even saw a wedding on the horizon -- but my partner cheated on me, and it all fell apart. Now I'm scared. This is just the latest in a long string of bad relationships. How can I keep dating if I'm feeling so hopeless? Am I just not cut out for the "married with 2.5 kids" life? -- FAILURE IN OREGON DEAR FAILURE: Considering your mindset, I'm not sure you should be dating right now. Your time might be better spent trying to figure out what went wrong in each of those failed relationships, because your problem may not be the kind of men you are attracting, but those you are attracted to. If there are common denominators among those men in your past, it would benefit you to recognize what they are so you won't be hurt again. In the meantime, occupy yourself with friends and activities you enjoy. It's an effective way to combat depression, and it may also give you an opportunity to make some new acquaintances. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
No Aunty Acid Today
Artie is still not up to par.
Tell The Truth
Direct link:?
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Incredible moments caught on camera in China and many other countries, too.
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 10, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 10, 2024? ? ? ??
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Teacher: Are you good in history?
Little Johnny: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?
Little Johnny: Yes, I¡¯m no good in history.
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A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation and found that the curtains were drawn around him.
"Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there's a fire at the empty warehouse across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Rarest Thing ¡°Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.¡±
- Ernest Hemingway, The Garden of Eden
Barber, cutting a customer's hair: "Hmm, I see a few gray hairs."
Customer: "At the rate you're going, I'm not surprised."
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Hey Dad, can you pass the salt?
I don't know, son, can you pass the semester?
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Thought Of The Day:?Hard Work "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
- Edgar Bergen
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What do you drink on Halloween?
Boos.
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"I heard JC Penney was opening even earlier for Black Friday this year!"
"Really, when?"
"Halloween."
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Thought Of The Day:??Stop Wearing Black ¡°I¡¯ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.¡±
- Wednesday Addams, ¡°The Addams family¡±
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Kirk's Puns
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.??The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."??The defendant said, "I am Sparks, an electrician, charged with battery."??The judge winced and said, "Bailiff, put this man in a dry cell." ? He became an artist because he was drawn to it. ? What can be used to vaccinate against mathematical anxiety? ????Pythagorean Serum ? I tried to buy some goose feather pillows, but they were so expensive that I couldn't afford the down payment. ? Did you hear about the big winner on Jeopardy???He went home the next day and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
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Kirk's Limericks
"Costume party is where I have been, Dressed as jigsaw piece," said my friend Lynn. ????????????"Didn't like it, so I ????????????Very soon said good-bye. And the reason???I?didn't?fit?in."
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A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word!"
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The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
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Filling in for Saint Peter A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'? 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered. 'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
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God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.? "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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A Taboo Thanksgiving
From Chicken Soup for the Soul: Lessons Learned from My Cat
By Judith Quan Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. --?Arnold Glasow The first family Thanksgiving after Jeff and I married was attended by Jeff, my three daughters, and my sister Kelly, who brought her beloved cat, Taboo. Taboo was a handsome cat. He was pure black with long hair and intense, emerald-green eyes. He was loved and pampered ¡ª a true member of our family. While our turkey dinner roasted in the oven, my daughters decided to go for a bike ride. They left the door open by accident and we spotted Kelly¡¯s beautiful black cat outside. She ran into the street calling to him, but her panic scared him, and he ran in the opposite direction.?
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- October 29, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: I chaired an event with a local service organization. Many hours were exhausted with planning and decorating. During the program, a few members playfully started throwing some items from the centerpieces at the guest speakers. By the end of the program, most of the room's centerpieces were dismantled and on the floor. My committee had the job of cleanup, which was difficult and tedious. We felt the many hours we spent planning and doing hard work were disrespected because of these juvenile antics. This was an end-of-year program, ringing in new officers and celebrating a wonderful previous year, and there are always some lighthearted shenanigans. But I've never experienced total chaos before. Should I say something or chalk it up to celebrating a successful year's end? -- FLABBERGASTED IN TEXAS DEAR FLABBERGASTED: Were these lighthearted members drunk or just disorderly? "Lightheartedly" destroying the centerpieces and throwing parts of them at the speakers? How disrespectful to everyone involved, not to mention potentially dangerous! I don't think what happened should be ignored. By all means, speak up. You and the other committee members are certainly entitled to let the perpetrators know how it made you feel. You're not the only person who is flabbergasted. So am I.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend "Lila" that I think she'd be happier if she got divorced? To be clear, I don't think her relationship is unsafe -- it's just unhappy. Things have been rocky with her wife for a while now. They keep trying to work things out, but every few months, something new comes up or becomes a problem again. Lila cares deeply about her wife. She really wants to make things work, but I constantly hear she feels neglected and unattractive because of how her wife treats her. I'm obviously only hearing half the story, but it seems like Lila is putting in all the effort to make the relationship work, and her wife isn't responding in kind. Part of the problem may be that Lila is introverted and doesn't have many friends besides her wife and me, which may be why she clings so hard to that relationship. I think both of them would be happier if they stopped trying to make the marriage work and went back to being friends, but I don't know how to tell Lila that, or even if I should. Please help. -- LISTENING IN MARYLAND DEAR LISTENING: Stay out of it. Lila needs a friend and a sounding board at this point, not a life coach. If her marriage is as dysfunctional as you have described, she will figure out sooner or later whether it's time to "dial it back" or to end it. Understand that when divorces happen, most couples don't "go back to being friends" unless there are children involved.
DEAR ABBY: What can I buy for Christmas for my brother who is terminally ill with cancer? Nothing seems right -- not music, books or any of the things he has always enjoyed. I'm at a loss. Any thoughts? -- SADDENED IN OREGON DEAR SADDENED: I am so sorry about your brother's diagnosis. The surest way to give him something he will enjoy would be to ask him what he would like. His activities may be diminished, but he can point you in the right direction. |
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 7, 2024 ... Kirk's Day ... with Many Thanks
Daily Clean Jokes from Kirk Miller for November 7, 2024? ?
Kirk's Limerick
Weather forecast ain't one to tout.??It Is oft wrong.??What I think about it ????????????Can be stated with dry ????????????Sense of humor quite wry. It won't rain for three months???I?drought?it. ? Conrad and Jim and Dickhead and Bill got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
I won first prize in the National Skeptics Association raffle. I can¡¯t believe it. ? I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.??I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.??Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible." ? One real estate agent said to another, "House it going?" ? The tomb was built not of concrete but of tiles, all of which sagged crazily in all directions. The archaeologists finally concluded that the vault's builder had suffered from erect tile dysfunction. ? The striking janitors sought sweeping changes.
----Kirk's Jokes
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO."
The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
----- ? A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator.
Upon arriving at the elevator there were already three black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the three men and faced the door. Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady."
She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to attend to.
At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.
And the note said :"Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an elevator!" - Eddie Murphy
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Kir's Expanding Vocabulary
10 words that don't exist, but should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Goodwill Donation? At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied. "Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father. "Okay", the boy said. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream, Bless them so they won't come again...... Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed........ This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes....... And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work..... AMEN" Dinner was cancelled.
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HaHa
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Kirk's Jokes
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work. ? My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing.??The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.??Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair." ? A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.??Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system.??Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.??One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." ? Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.
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Study Shows 9 Out Of 10 Astronauts Choose To Be Stranded In Space Rather Than Board Craft Built By Boeing
SPACE ¡ª As the saga of the two astronauts stuck aboard the International Space Station continued, a new study showed that 9 out of 10 astronauts surveyed said they would rather be stranded in space than board a craft built by Boeing. American astronauts Barry Wilmore and Sunita Williams have been stranded aboard the ISS for over two months on what was intended to be only an eight-day mission. Other astronauts reached for comment were not surprised by the choice to avoid boarding a Boeing craft. "Oh, yeah, that's a no-brainer," said astronaut Jim Pearson. "If that was me up there, I'd much rather take my chances living in the cold, inhospitable clutches of space than set one foot in a Boeing spacecraft. For one thing, the chances of survival in space are significantly greater than those of flying aboard a Boeing product. That's just science." Though Wilmore and Willams knew waiting for rescue from a SpaceX craft would not happen until February 2025, they said it was an easy choice. "We didn't have to debate much about it," Wilmore explained. "While living in space presents very real and constant risks to our lives, we both agreed that we'd much rather roll the dice and live in space for another six months than climb aboard another one of those Boeing death traps. No thank you, Boeing. We'll wait here for Elon." At publishing time, executives at Boeing privately expressed concern that this controversy may prevent their spacecraft from receiving this year's J.D. Power & Associates "Top Safety Pick" award. ----- True News ? For the Record:?The?Powell Tribune?in Powell, Wyo., a town of 6,500 people, was suspicious of some articles in the?Cody Enterprise?¡ª the newspaper from the larger town to the west. They included quotes, attributed to the governor, an assistant district attorney, a business owner, and others, which the purported sources said were faked. The smaller newspaper confronted the competing reporter, Aaron Pelczar, 40, who has no formal journalism training or experience. Was he using ¡°artificial intelligence¡± to write his stories? ¡°That could be the case,¡± Pelczar replied, defending the paper¡¯s editors because ¡°they¡¯re taking what I bring in at face value.¡± He resigned after less than a month on the job, and the?Enterprise?removed his stories from its web site. Those were replaced with Editor¡¯s Notes: ¡°We regret the lack of oversight,¡± the publisher said, promising to ¡°hold our employees to a higher standard.¡± Pelczar was apparently never asked why he didn¡¯tconsider that the people supposedly quoted wouldn¡¯t notice that he put words in their mouths without ever speaking to them. (RC/Powell Tribune)?...Pelczar¡¯s tool: ¡°artificial intelligence.¡± Pelczar himself: natural obliviot. This Ain¡¯t No Golf Cart:?Hugh Cox, 68, was towing a boat on Interstate 75 in Dalton, Ga., with his grandson Drake Linn, 10, next to him. Cox was on the phone with a co-worker when he suddenly stopped talking and looked dazed. His blood sugar had dropped and he was slipping into a diabetic coma. The co-worker told Linn to call his mother, Jessica Linn, who told him to get on his grandfather¡¯s lap and pull the truck over. The young Linn ¡ª who has experience driving golf carts and ATVs on his family¡¯s farm ¡ª did just that: taking the wheel, maneuvering to the shoulder of the busy freeway, bringing the truck and trailer safely to a stop, and calling an ambulance. ¡°My papa is a diabetic,¡± he told the 911 dispatcher. ¡°We are right at Exit 320.¡± Responders were able to get an I.V. in Cox, and within 20 minutes he was feeling better. ¡°He¡¯s a unique little person,¡± Linn¡¯s mother said. ¡°If I could count on any 10-year-old in the world in that exact situation, it would be Drake.¡±(MS/Washington Post)?...Heroes come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. New Student:?Peak to Peak Mountain Charter, a school in Pine Mountain Club, Calif., is the ¡°home of the Bears¡± ¡ª their mascot. But it was still a week or so before the start of classes, and teacher Elaine Salmon did not expect to find one there. ¡°I opened my classroom door, and this bear was charging towards the door,¡± she said. She closed the door, trapping the bear, then called her husband. (She had to go to the office to do so, not because this was suddenly 1985 but because her cell was in the room with the bear.) He let the bear out, holding the door and letting the animal pass within inches. The bear left the building. He hadn¡¯t damaged the room¡¯s decorations or its new floor. The teacher said the bear had returned since that incident, but it¡¯s not clear what happened that time. (AC/KERO Bakersfield)?...But we know one thing: the bear didn¡¯t eat Salmon. What??A poll by Which?, a British-based non-profit consumer advocate, has the town of Bangor, Wales, in a bit of an uproar: Bangor was rated the Worst Seaside Town in the U.K., with the distillation of the 4,700 participants¡¯ comments being it was ¡°drab and run down¡± with one-star ratings for food and drink, tourist attractions, and shopping. Residents say Which? participants have it all wrong. ¡°It just isn¡¯t really a seaside town,¡± said one. ¡°It¡¯s a university town.¡± (RC/BBC)...Ooh, she?really?doesn¡¯t want to see what the University Town survey says.
Call Me Taquito
Baby Bird Rescued in Texas Panhandle Wrapped in a Warm Tortilla until Wildlife Experts Arrived
KHOU Houston headline ----- Marital Faithfulness? A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
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I wanted to buy goose feathers to make a pillow, but I didn't have enough money for the down payment.?
When Liza Minelli emerged from the airport and saw the row of taxis lined up, did she start singing, "Life is a cab array"? ? The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks like you have had?Juan too many."?
The twisted old piece of string couldn't really be surprised at his fate, really, after all the puns he had perpetrated: "No, I'm a frayed knot," "I'm a little tied-up at the moment," "Get knotted," "That wasn't a belly-flop, it was knot's landing," and now, having been lynched by the other residents of the sewing kit for his verbal miscreations, he couldn't help but chuckle as he thought aloud, "I'm not a bad person, just a little high-strung."
Answer: Marion Barry
Question: What are the two most important tasks of a preacher??
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Kid¡¯s Instructions for Life Never trust a dog to watch your food.? Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.? Matthew, Age 12 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.? Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.? Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.? Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.? Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.? Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.? Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom.? Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert.? Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working.? Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.? Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.? Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat.? Laura, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster.? Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station.? Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.? Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.? Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.? Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain.? It has lots of information.? Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes.? Randy, Age 9 |
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- November 01, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced from my ex-husband, "Paul," for 20 years. I never remarried. The divorce was mostly my fault because I was unfaithful. We never tried to save our marriage. He immediately started dating and remarried 18 months later. We have remained friends due to having four children and now grandchildren. I get along with his wife as well. During the pandemic, I, along with a grown child, moved across the country. Paul and his wife followed us. We live about an hour apart. As it worked out, three of our four kids have also moved to be near us. Over the last two years, I have realized that I miss Paul and have hopes of us being together again. (He does not know this.) I have never disrespected his marriage or his current wife in any way. They have a unique relationship because they often spend time apart and travel to see their families without each other. I think they also occasionally vacation separately. I know this isn't necessarily a measure of their love or commitment, but my gut tells me it's not the marriage they want people to believe it is. My gut also tells me he may feel the same way I do. I often think he wishes he had done more to help save our marriage. Should I tell him how I feel? I'm happy in my life, but I don't want to regret not speaking up if there's a chance we could reunite and be the family I know God intended us to be. Any advice? -- REGRETFUL IN ALABAMA DEAR REGRETFUL: My goodness, you are certainly having a self-serving conversation with the God you should have spoken to before you committed adultery and blew up your marriage. While it may seem unusual to you, many couples visit their families separately, and some even take short vacations if their spouses aren't interested. Do yourself a favor and look for romance elsewhere. Your ex and his wife might greatly appreciate it if you did. Please consider it before possibly embarrassing yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My husband got into a disagreement with our next-door neighbor and no longer acknowledges him or speaks to him when we see him outside. Our neighbor still says hello to me and my special-needs daughter, but my husband doesn't want me to respond. He says it is "standing by my man." Is my husband right or wrong? I will follow your advice in this situation. -- GOOD NEIGHBOR IN OHIO DEAR NEIGHBOR: I wish you had mentioned how serious the disagreement between your husband and this neighbor was. That he wants to involve you in this mess doesn't seem very "manly" to me. Do you want to be used as ammunition? If the answer is no, and you would prefer to keep relations friendly (if only for the sake of your special-needs daughter), then tell your husband to fight his own battle and leave you out of it. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 6, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 6, 2024? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick
If a Taiwanese person, I say, Is hard-driving, it's possible they ????????????In a blood test, reveal ????????????That because of their zeal, That they have?Taipei?Type-A's?type?A. ? Conrad and Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
I have a secret way to leaven bread, but you have to promise not to show anyone; it is "for your rise only."??First, you get ten breads.??Then you get one more, and now you have eleven breads. ? He had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing. ? The watchmaker always is tired because he works around the clock. ? Why did the photographer bring his female assistant to the darkroom? ????To see what would develop ? Three strings are outside a store.??One string says to the others:??I am going inside where it is nice and dry.??A few moments later the string returns.??"The store owner won't let me stay because I am a string."??The second string gets angry.??"I will go in there."??A few moments later, the second string is back with the same story:??"The owner said I can't stay because I am a string."??The third string gets furious.??He ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends.??"I will get in!"??Inside, the store owner approaches the third string: "Say, aren't you a string?"??"No, I am a frayed knot."
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Kirk's Jokes
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he stuck his old lady up in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!"
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.....It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
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An American is visiting Singapore for a short stay. He gets into a cab and asks the driver to show him the sights. The cabbie first takes him by the Orchard Road.
"What's that?" says the American.
"Oh, that's the Takashimaya shopping centre. It's a shopping complex with over 300 stores."
"Golleee," drawls the American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"
"Oh, I dunno," replies the cabbie. "About two years, I think."
"Two years!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we would put that up in less'n ONE year!"
The cabbie continues on the tour, and passes by the Shenton Way.
"What's that?" says the American, craning his neck and looking up.
"Oh, That's the UOB Building. It's got 70 storeys and about 10,000 people working in that one building."
"Mah goodness," drawls that American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"
The cabbie, not wanting to be outdone this time, said "Oh, I seem to remember that going up in about six months."
"Six months!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we could put up that building in THREE months!"
The cabbie is now getting a little annoyed. He turns west and takes his passenger by the AYE.
"Golleee," drawls the American, looking 1,800 feet up to the top of the tower, "What's that?"
"I dunno," says the cabbie. "It wasn't here this morning."
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Quotes from Kirk
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-- Hedy Lamarr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-- Linda Ellerbee
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Some thoughts... 1.?????A day without sunshine is like ... night. 2.?????On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3.?????Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 4.?????I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5.?????Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 6.?????Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7.?????I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8.?????He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 9.?????She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. 10.??You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 11.??I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 12.??Honk if you love peace and quiet. 13.??Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 14.??Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 15.??Recognize the inconsequential, then ignore it. 16.??Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 17.??I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 18.??If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 19.??Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 20.??If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 21.??And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? 22.??If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong? 23.??If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 24.??Is there another word for synonym? 25.??Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 26.??When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed? 27.??Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 28.??What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 29.??If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 30.??Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 31.??If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 32.??Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 33.??If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 34.??Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 35.??Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 36.??Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 37.??Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 38.??I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are. 39.??A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... 40.??Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? 41.??If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 42.??Does fuzzy logic tickle? 43.??If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? 44.??I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 45.??How come you never hear about gruntled employees? 46.??How much faith does it take to be an atheist? 47.??I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. 48.??If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of? 49.??If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? 50.??If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box? 51.??Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 52.??I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. 53.??Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 54.??What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 55.??What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
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Kirk's True News Column ? Snowjob:?¡°At Bath and Body Works, we are committed to listening to our teams and customers,¡± promised an unnamed spokesperson, ¡°and are swiftly working to have this item removed and are evaluating our process going forward.¡± The ¡°item¡± in question is the ¡°Snowed In¡± canned candle. Its label features a photo of a paper snowflake that looks so much like a KKK hood that online wags dubbed it the Klandle. The horrified company quickly withdrew the item from shelves, while those who had already purchased it sold theirs on Ebay for several hundred dollars each. (RC/CNN)?...Hundreds of dollars drained from racists in exchange for adollar¡¯s worth of wax? Satisfactory. My Way or Else:?David Cavender, who is opposing Cobb County (Ga.) Sheriff Craig Owens Sr. in the coming election, shared bodycam footage showing sheriff¡¯s deputies responding to an apparent call for backup from Owens. The video showed deputies using their sirens and running red lights ¡ª to a local Burger King. ¡°Hey, do me a favor,¡± Owens said to a responding deputy. ¡°I need to get¡ª all I need is the owner¡¯s name of whoever owns this damn facility, or the manager.¡± He said therestaurant got his order wrong and denied his request to replace it. ¡°I don¡¯t need no damn money back no more,¡± he said. ¡°I just need to find out who owns this place so I can do an official complaint.¡± Deputies discovered the restaurant was locked; employees opened up for the deputies, explaining they locked up because many upset customers turn violent. Owens defended his actions, saying it was a simple business dispute and he did what any citizen could do. ¡°I was not in my uniform,¡± he said.¡°At no point did I indicate my position, nor did I ask the responders to do anything that they would not, had not, or have not done for anyone else who makes a business dispute call.¡± (MS/WKRC Cincinnati)?...And he definitely didn¡¯t intimidate the employees, otherwise they would¡¯ve locked the doors. Searching for New Life, and New Frog Calls:?Scientists say they¡¯ve found seven new frog species whose whistling is reminiscent of tricorders and boatswain¡¯s calls from the?Star Trek?TV shows. ¡°That is why we named the frogs after Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer, Burnham, and Pike,¡± says Miguel Vences, one of the authors of the paper in?Vertebrate Zoology?announcing the discovery ¡ª ¡°seven of the most iconic captains from the sci-fi series.¡± Finding the frogs was notan easy enterprise: ¡°We had to undertake major expeditions to remote forest fragments and mountain peaks,¡± he said. One of his co-authors, J?rn K?hler, said the calls¡¯ high pitches enable them to be heard over other sounds of the Madagascar rainforests. (AC/London Independent)?...Until they find frogs to name after Captain Shaw and Captain Sulu, the frogs announced so far will be seven of nine. Hot Dude:?Mike Jack, 42, of London, Ont., Canada, officially set two Guinness World Records on the same day. Even he described the first as a ¡°nasty one¡±: he poured several bottles of sriracha sauce into a large bowl, which was then weighed. Guinness said that if he could consume more than 300 grams of the sauce in 3 minutes, he¡¯d set a new record. At ¡°Go!¡± he started slurping it up as fast as he could dip a large soup spoon into the bowl. After 3 minutes the bowl was weighed again: he ate 2 pounds 7 ounces (just over 1.1 kg). Doesn¡¯t he?...um...?suffer the next day after such stunts? ¡°I¡¯ve actually never experienced burn-butt before,¡± Jack said.¡°It¡¯s my super power, I guess.¡± The other record he set that day? The fastest time to drink a Capri Sun with a paper straw. He had to beat 22 seconds; he did it in 21.71 seconds. (RC/Toronto Sun)?...Which began just 4.02 seconds after breaking the sriracha record.
Guess Again
Florida Doctor: My Guilty Plea in a Sexual Battery Case Shouldn¡¯t Affect My License
Miami Herald headline __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
For Sale
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.? "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
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And God Said ...? A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.? Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."
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Red and Blue Lights Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?" "Yes, sir, they were." "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"? "Yes, sir, she did." "And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?" "She said, 'What disco am I at?'" ----- Eat the Watermelons A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.? The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----
Lee Mack tells his infamous 'Kent' joke leaving John Cleese & Martin Clunes in near tears. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Today's Poster -?
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The MountainWings Power Minute? ? ? ? ?60 Seconds of Living Power
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.? When Riley Clemmons sings, "You can't have my headspace/Won't let you in my safe place," she's talking about defending herself from a toxic relationship. But she could just as well have been singing about the newly identified headspace in your brain that helps clear out toxic metabolic waste like tau proteins and amyloid, which are associated with Alzheimer's.
Researchers from Oregon Health & Science University are the first to provide visual evidence of a network of fluid-filled ...
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DEAR ABBY: I recently scheduled a last-minute consultation with my doctor that might result in surgery. My husband has a meeting during that time, which isn't actually necessary, but he feels he needs to attend. I feel he is choosing a non-urgent obligation over my more immediate concerns. All that said, I am capable of handling what comes my way by myself. I was just hoping for some emotional support from my spouse of 31 years. I have had plenty of that financially, but not emotionally. I'm trying to figure out why he's not taking my medical issue as seriously as I am. -- ON MY OWN IN WASHINGTON DEAR O.M.O.: What a sad letter. After 31 years, you may have to accept that financial support is all your husband is capable of giving. Because you need emotional support, consider asking a close friend or relative to stay close while you resolve your medical issue. Although it may not be your first choice, it would be the more practical solution.
DEAR ABBY: My father left my older sister and me out of his will. He inherited money, went to an Ivy League university and raised two sets of stepkids. I know he didn't have a lot left at the end, but what there was went to his third wife. We had hoped he would help his granddaughters with cars, etc. I wish we had discussed it beforehand so it wouldn't have spoiled our larger-than-life memories of him. Are we selfish to feel let down? -- STILL MISSING DAD IN CALIFORNIA DEAR STILL MISSING: Your feelings are your feelings. If your father led you to believe your children were in his will, then those feelings are justified. However, if he didn't do that, you are wrong to have expected him to buy "cars, etc." for your children. Considering his marital history, his widow may need every penny he left her.
DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor I truly love. I garden; she does not. Despite my asking her two years ago not to take any of my asparagus, yesterday she mentioned in conversation, "I love your asparagus. Sometimes I pick some for myself." Abby, last year I was left with only enough for one meal for myself! How can I say to her, "Stop raiding my food source!"? I live on a limited budget. Many times, I can't afford to buy vegetables, which she is aware of. I'm very hurt by her behavior. Thank you for any insight you can give. -- OUT OF THE GARDEN IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR OUT: Sit your light-fingered neighbor down and remind her of some facts of your life. Tell her again that you are on a limited budget and grow vegetables because they have become too expensive for you to buy. Also remind her that you have asked her before not to do what she has been doing, and tell her how hurt you are that she would steal from you. It is the truth, and she needs to hear it. She should be ashamed of herself. |
   
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Daily Jokes and Comics for November 5, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for November 5, 2024
Kirk's Political Limericks ... Don't forget to Vote Today?
Politicians will go with the flow As a means to accumulate dough. ????????????Both the parties agree ????????????That their votes are not free. They're buy-partisan, surely you know. ? Some congressional votes are buyable; It is easy to do, quite viable. ????????????Pols repeatedly say ????????????It's not true every day, So you know that they're all re-lie-able. ? Like the movie with Simba, one thing About Trump since he's now in full swing: ????????????Both ascended the throne ????????????And it's very well known Donald Trump now is The Lyin' King. ? Politicos, voters defile 'em, And say many words to revile 'em. ????????????Our pols sure amaze me; ????????????Our Congress, so crazy That it's a political asylum. ? "We're devoted to you," the pols swear, But I think that they really don't care. ????????????They ought to be jolted. ????????????It's time we revolted And de-voted them right out of there. -----
Kirk's Daily Limerick? ??
With a rope, I have hauled down the road A webbed hopper.??I pulled as I strode. ????????????It was not a green frog ????????????That I showed on my blog, So you see that I?towed?a?toed?toad. ? Conrad and Carol and Jim and Chris and Dick got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to reserve a tennis court.??One tennis enthusiast was so concerned about not losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral.??It was a case of putting the court before the hearse. ? Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris .??They raise them in the hutch back of Notre Dame. ? My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk on its hind legs.??It was the world's first stand-up chameleon. ? When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions.??They grilled him all night without success but finally, when morning came, the don broke. ? A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason.??Details are sketchy.
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A Name Funny
The wealthy socialite Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception.
"Nora," she said to her veteran assistant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years."
>>>Today's Thot
The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home." |
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Highway Patrol Stop
A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.? The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. -----
More How to Know You are Ready for Parenthood
NIGHT TEST:?Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):?Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):?Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.? FINAL ASSIGNMENT:?Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers. -----
Where's Barney? A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"? "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." Received from ArcaMax Jokes
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Puns of the WeakI always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. (Groucho Marx)
Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs.
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.
Are evil wildebeests bad gnus?
Received from Stan Kegel via GCFL. ~~
This new technology is for the birds!
I sure do miss those good old reliable manual typewriters...
Those things didn¡¯t make nearly as many typing mistakes!
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A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
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Thought Of The Day:??He Can Compress the Most Words "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
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How did the octopus defeat the shark?
He was well armed!
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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.
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Thought Of The Day: I Have Loved the Stars ¡°I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.¡±
- Sarah Williams -----
Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
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The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced.
Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
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Thought Of The Day:??Two Things Are Infinite ¡°Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.¡±
- Albert Einstein
Received from aJokeADay,
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Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by. Mel Brooks
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| Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
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Under the Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."? After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
Americans are (unfortunately) crazy for sweet-tasting beverages. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that 63% of adults down at least one sugar-sweetened soda, sweetened fruit drinks, sports/energy drink, or sweetened coffee/tea drink a day.
Every year, around 610,000 folks have their first stroke.
What do these two facts have to do with each other? A lot. A new study that tracked 13,500 people who had their first stroke found that frequently having fizzy ...
~~
-DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my early 20s, and I have been dating my man for two years. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He plans to propose before the end of the year, and we plan to be married next year. Sex with him is fabulous. However, I have a very active libido (probably similar to that of a teenage boy), and I'd be good with having sex every morning, day and night. He, on the other hand, is good with once a week, if that. I feel deprived and sad. We have discussed this, and he claims he knows he needs to improve, but there has been no change. I don't know if I want to say "I do" if this is what marriage to him will be like. I am afraid of him proposing now because I'm not sure I can marry him if he's not into sex as much as I am. Sex is an extremely important activity in my life. I had amazing sex with a previous boyfriend and have actually contemplated reaching out to him. (I wouldn't cheat.) Must I settle? I don't want to miss out on having sex as often as I want it. It doesn't feel fair to me. I don't want to end the relationship because he's everything else I want. He's a good man, loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, a great conversationalist, fun, adventurous, but with almost no sex drive. Can you offer any insight? -- MISERABLE IN MISSISSIPPI DEAR MISERABLE: You are young and, I assume, there isn't a great age difference between you and your boyfriend. When this otherwise ideal man pops the question, your response should be that before you accept his proposal, you want the two of you to have premarital counseling. During some of those sessions, bring up the disparity in your sex drives. There may be more than one way to solve your problem. Discuss this with a licensed sex therapist who can help you explore how you can be more satisfied without your boyfriend feeling "forced to perform." DEAR ABBY: I became a grandmother 20 years ago. My first grandchild was biracial, and I suspect that's the reason my best friend, "Dori," never acknowledged her. When I sent her photos by mail a few times, they went unacknowledged. Now, 20 years later, Dori has finally become a grandmother through adoption. Although I am happy for her, it stings that my four grandchildren were ignored. I have sent generous baby gifts. How do I move past my resentment without making a fuss? I don't want my grandchildren to ever meet her, as I feel any interest would be idle curiosity and not sincere. Dori has never even asked me their names. -- BITTER IN CALIFORNIA DEAR BITTER: Why do you refer to this woman as a "best friend"? From what you have written, Dori stopped being your friend 20 years ago. You were thoughtful to have sent her grandchild "generous gifts" (or any gift at all). As I see it, there is more than one way to deal with this situation. The first would be to air your feelings to Dori. The second is to continue living your life without her in a starring role.
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Don¡¯t wait for inspiration; you have to go after it.
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Daily Jokes and Comics for November 4, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for November 4, 2024
Kirk's Puns? ? ??
A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom. ? When a new hive is done, bees have a house swarming party. ? The only thing the zeros could talk about was the fact that they had nothing in common. ? If you can say absent, gone, removed, elsewhere, etc., you have away with words. ? Safety goggles were invented by a peripheral visionary. The inventor of a hay baling machine made a bundle. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution. The inventor of sandpaper had a rough time of it. When scissors were first invented, they were on the cutting edge.
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Limerick:? Bill and Lill
A young master baker named Bill was proud of his portly wife Lill. When she¡¯d step on a scale he¡¯d remark without fail, ¡°Where there¡¯s a weigh there¡¯s a Will.¡±
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Latest wildebeest I want to view, So decided to go to the zoo. ????????????He's a thing I adore ????????????And had seen him before, So I say that I?knew?the?new?gnu. ? Carol and Jim and Conrad and Chris and Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Trump Scores Coveted Endorsement From Hefty ¡¤Oct 30, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
U.S. ¡ª In a huge boost for the Trump campaign coming into the final week, garbage bag company Hefty announced they will officially be endorsing former President Trump. "It's such an honor, a tremendous honor," said Trump. "To have the backing of so much garbage, such wonderful garbage, it means so much." Though usually a small player in the election, the garbage vote is expected this year to be a major player in deciding every swing state. "Hefty lining up behind Trump is huge," said campaign advisor Steven Miller. "We're working on nailing down Glad, and then moving on to the off-label Sam's Club stuff. The momentum from garbage is going to push this campaign over the top." Incredibly, garbage is expected to provide around 90 million votes in the upcoming election, dwarfing prior turnout records. "There's a lot of garbage on our side, believe me," said Trump, holding up a Hefty bag. "Millions and millions of garbage. Kamala, she doesn't know what's about to hit her with all this garbage. I almost feel bad for her, but I don't, because I'm a winner." At publishing time, Trump had also received the endorsement from several deplorable basket companies. -----
True News ? Mushy Mantra:?¡°There is a woke agenda out there that is against law and order and they¡¯re really making it hard to be a prosecutor,¡± claimed Seth Ryan, the first-term District Attorney of the Seventh Judicial District of Colorado, which provides prosecutorial services for six counties in the southwest corner of the state. He was speaking to the Ouray County Republican Party Assembly in March to declare he was running for re-election, and said that ¡°Over the past three years, my mantrahas been never surrender, never give up.¡± He is unopposed on the ballot, and just a few weeks before the election, has announced he is resigning as of the end of October. His reason: a backlog of cases stretching back to the pandemic has delayed them, and he has had to personally step in to prosecute some cases because he has a shortage of attorneys, causing him considerable stress. (RC/Ouray County Plaindealer)?...Life Lesson #24: Never say never. Home Invasion:?An unnamed woman in Poulsbo, Wash., started feeding raccoons on her property ¡ª 35 years ago. ¡°She said around six weeksago the number of raccoons ballooned to more than 100 and the new animals were far more aggressive,¡± said Kevin McCarty of the Kitsap County Sheriff¡¯s Office, which the woman called asking for help. ¡°She said she repeatedly had to throw food to them to get them to leave her alone,¡± and had to ¡°run away in her car to escape the furry and very hungry creatures.¡± The woman said she¡¯d tried to have them trapped and removed, but the quotes were as high as $500 per raccoon, and if a wildlife officer trapped a raccoon, it had to be released on-site or euthanized. The sheriff called in the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife. ¡°Our wildlife conflict specialist for Kitsap County met with the resident¡± to make a simple suggestion, said spokeswoman Bridget Mire. ¡°The raccoons appear to have started dispersing now that they are no longer being fed, and we are glad for a positive outcome to this case.¡± (MS/KIRO Seattle)?...Imagine that: remove the cause and the problem resolves. What an Image:?NoHo Diagnostic Center says Los Angeles, Calif., police thought its facility was an illegal pot-growing operation and raided it. The cops did not find any cannabis growing at the facility, according to NoHo¡¯s lawsuit against the city and its police department. But one officer did find an MRI machine ¡ª behind a door with a sign warning people not to bring metal inside. He carried his rifle into the room ¡°dangling ... in his right hand, with an unsecured strap.¡± The magnets grabbed the gun and it was left stuck to the machine. The lawsuit claims an officer then triggered the machine¡¯s emergency release, which allowed a large quantity of helium to escape, and damaged the equipment. On leaving the room, the officer did not take the bullet-filled magazine that had landed on the floor, the lawsuit alleges. (AC/KTLA Los Angeles, SFGate)?...Remember, it takes a doctor to interpret what an MRI machine has revealed about someone¡¯s brain. Limited Distribution:?Officers from Oregon¡¯s Portland Police Bureau spotted a stolen car, and pulled it over. Reginald Lamont Reynolds, 35, was with a woman; both were arrested, and the car was searched incident to the arrest. Officers found a loaded gun, money, scales, and small bags commonly used for illicit drug distribution. Oh, and one other thing: a zippered cloth bag upon which was printed, ¡°Definitely Not a bag full of Drugs¡±. It was, of course, filled with drugs, apparently mostly meth. Reynolds was jailed, but prosecutors apparently thought the woman was not involved, and released her without charges.(RC/Portland Oregonian)?...And here her main purpose was to be the one left holding the bag.
Moochers
Two Uruguayans Convicted for Trafficking $3 Mn in Cow Gallstones
AFP headline
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They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away...
Why stop there?
An onion a day will keep everybody away!
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A judge tells the defendant, ¡°You¡¯re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.¡±
¡°You jerk!¡± yells a voice from ?the back of the courtroom.
¡°You¡¯re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,¡± ?says the judge.
¡°Jerrrrkkkk!¡± bellows the same man.
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Thought Of The Day:??Before Anything Great Is Achieved
"Before anything great is really achieved, your comfort zone must be disturbed."
- Ray Lewis
¡°Sir,¡± says the judge, ¡°one more outburst, and I¡¯ll charge you with contempt.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry, your Honor,¡± says the man. ¡°But I¡¯ve been this jerk¡¯s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn¡¯t have one!¡±
Received from aJokeADay.
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Funny Quotes about Getting Old
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. Luis Bu?uel
Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better.
Ingrid Bergman
The idea is to die young as late as possible. Ashley Montagu
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Lucille Ball
You know you¡¯ve reached middle age when you¡¯re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers
My mother always used to say, ¡°The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.¡± Betty White
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them? Diane Von Furstenberg
I don¡¯t feel old. I don¡¯t feel anything until noon. Then it¡¯s time for my nap. Bob Hope
I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don¡¯t have to. Albert Einstein
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx
No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. Henry David Thoreau
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| How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!
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"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com |
Terrifying footage of a Supernatural being holding a small community in the grips of fear.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. When you get your high blood pressure under control, the pressure is off. You can relax a bit about increased cardiovascular risks associated with a blood pressure (BP) reading of more than 110/75 and an increased risk for dementia that's related to a reading of 125/85 or higher. But the pressure can be off in another way -- because of your arm position.
Johns Hopkins University researchers tested the BP reading obtained when your arm is supported on a desk, supported on your lap, ... ----- More Dr. Michael Roizen from ArcaMax.com
SEATTLE ()¡ªA heated battle has erupted between two of the world¡¯s richest men as Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk compete to see who can shed more customers, industry observers reported on Tuesday. Davis Logsdon, who teaches a course about sociopathic CEOs at the University of Minnesota, said that both men ¡°have what it takes¡± to send customers fleeing in droves. ¡°You might think that Musk, endowed with such world-class obnoxiousness, would be unbeatable as a customer-repellent,¡± he said. ¡°But it¡¯s impressive what Bezos has managed to do through sheer cowardice.¡± ¡°In the past 48 hours, for example, hundreds of people have tried to sell their used Teslas in the?Washington Post?classifieds,¡± he said. ¡°Unfortunately for them, only 9 people still subscribe to the?Washington Post.¡±
~~
By Michael Roizen, M.D.? When you get your high blood pressure under control, the pressure is off. You can relax a bit about increased cardiovascular risks associated with a blood pressure (BP) reading of more than 110/75 and an increased risk for dementia that's related to a reading of 125/85 or higher. But the pressure can be off in another way -- because of your arm position.
Johns Hopkins University researchers tested the BP reading obtained when your arm is supported on a desk, supported on your lap, ... ----- More Dr. Michael Roizen from ArcaMax.comBy Michael Roizen, M.D.? When you get your high blood pressure under control, the pressure is off. You can relax a bit about increased cardiovascular risks associated with a blood pressure (BP) reading of more than 110/75 and an increased risk for dementia that's related to a reading of 125/85 or higher. But the pressure can be off in another way -- because of your arm position.
Johns Hopkins University researchers tested the BP reading obtained when your arm is supported on a desk, supported on your lap, ... ----- More Dr. Michael Roizen from ArcaMax.com------------------------------------------
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Daily Jokes and Comics for November 3, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for November 3, 2024
Kirk's Limerick
I heard yesterday on local news, Female sheep like to hide for a snooze ????????????Behind poisonous trees ????????????Which they do with much ease. So I guess it is true:?ewes?use?yews. ? Bill and Chris and Jim got it. ? -----
Kirk's Puns
When the crochet class met in a smaller room, they became a close knit group. ? I went to a fancy dress party once as a nuclear power station. The reaction was awful. ? I won first prize in the National Secrecy Society raffle. I can¡¯t tell you how much this means to me. ? On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness began to recant his story.??"Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the judge asked.??"Not initially." ? Caesar and Brutus were master harpists, and were often seen in fierce competition.??Brutus was more skilled as a composer, giving him an advantage.??Caesar began to lose the battle against the brilliance of Brutus.??Caesar could surpass Brutus only in arpeggios.??However, to Caesar's dismay, he saw that Brutus had produced a masterful practice composition designed to improve his own arpeggios.??That was the straw that broke Caesar's spirit.??He died shortly thereafter, saying to Brutus with his dying breath, "Etude, Brutus?"
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State of the art fire station burned down because it had no fire alarms
?
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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A Sermon Funny
One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to the congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes; a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour; and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.
"Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."
>>>Today's Thot
My counselor says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Ha! We'll see about that!
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Today's One-Liner
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
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Earthquake Pun
Earthquake predictors are faultfinders.
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Today's Little Axioms
1.? Everyone has a photographic memory.? Some don't have film. 2.? He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3.? A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4.? On the other hand, you have different fingers. 5.? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6.? Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 7.? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 8.? When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 9.? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 10.? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 11.? I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 12.? He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 13.? She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. 14.? You have the right to remain silent.? Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 15.? I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
For Sale (Maybe)Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ... why do you ask?"
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... it's too good to part with!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Time
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Received from Pastor Tim ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
| That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
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Reasons to Leave Work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas.? 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk. |
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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----
Let Alexis Rhiannon guide you through how to be an Audrina instead of a Karen to navigate the complicated world of email etiquette. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my husband of 26 years had a stroke, and his personality changed. He was difficult to deal with, but, with time, his old personality came back, and things got better. Two years ago, he finally kicked a longtime prescription drug habit. Our finances improved almost overnight (for which I am grateful), but his personality changed again. This change has been neither pleasant nor easy to deal with. Some days, he gets angry with me for talking to him about even the simplest things, like traffic or the weather. Don't get me wrong -- I don't want him to go back to abusing drugs, but I want my best friend back. For at least a year now, I've been begging him to go to marriage counseling with me. He says he will but has put no effort into finding a counselor. He grew up in the small town we live in, so I want him to choose the counselor because I may accidentally choose someone he knows and doesn't want to talk to. I'm afraid he will never make an appointment, so should I just find a counselor for myself? I don't want to throw away 26 years of marriage, but some days, all I think about is running away. -- SADDENED ON THE EAST COAST DEAR SADDENED: I don't know what could be the cause of your husband's anger, and neither will you until you get to the bottom of it. Do not allow the fact that he is stalling prevent you from consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist. Compile a list of counseling services not only in your town but also some neighboring communities. Once you have the names, show the list to your husband and ask if he knows any of them. Then make an appointment for both of you with one or more therapists and interview them. If he refuses to accompany you, go on your own.
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, my husband replaced the key entry lock on the front door of our house with a digital one. Ever since, the door does not latch when you go in or out. (It "bounces" and doesn't catch.) I've told him it needs to be fixed, but he insists I need to "just pull it." Abby, this door always latched before. Workers come in and out of the house, and I'm very concerned. My husband is fighting me tooth and nail on this for some odd reason, and I'm ready to leave him. I told him I will get the door fixed (on his credit card) if he doesn't do it. He still refuses. I'm done! I want a secure front door. What the hell is wrong here? We've been married 40 years. Do you recommend a divorce attorney? -- UNSAFE IN TEXAS DEAR UNSAFE: I do not recommend a divorce attorney. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Stop fighting with your husband, become proactive and get the darn door fixed. Because he won't help, remember the adage, "If you want something done right, do it yourself," then step forward and take charge.
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Listen up; in your life you need a wishbone, a backbone, and a funnybone.
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff!
Direct link:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 2, 2024 ...
A Sermon Funny? ? ??
The preacher had just finished his sermon. He sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The preacher shrugged and said, "The music was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."
>>>Today's Thot
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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Quote:
"Halloween is right around the corner. You can tell because all the stores are decked out for Christmas."?- Stephen Colbert
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Today's One Liner:
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.
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Dracula
"I just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly.
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Service
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to help me?" she asked. ----- Errors and Mistakes To err is human; to forgive divine. To err is human; to purr, feline. To err is human; two curs, canine. To err is human; to do nothing, benign. To err is human; to quit, resign. To err is human; to howl, lupine. To err is human; to solve, design. To err is human; to moo, bovine. To err is human; to soothe, calamine. To err is human; to pretend, pantomime. To err is human; to bloom, columbine. To err is human; to prance, equine. To err is human; to add, combine. To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine. To err is human; to woo, Valentine. To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein. To err is human; to straighten, align. To err is human; to drown, Clementine. To err is human; to twist, serpentine. To err is human; to love, sublime. To err is human; to cut in, go back in line! ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Arriving a Bit after Halloween, but oh well, a joke is a joke:
Out in the Sticks? ? A?squad car driver?was driving down a quiet country road out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.? ? He stopped the car and asked, "Hey, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"? ? "That it would be," Mike replied grimly.? ? "How did that happen?" Patrick, the squad car driver asked.? ? "I've been here ever since I arrested that important judge on his way to the masquerade ball," Mike answered.? ? "You pinched his honor?" Patrick asked.? ? Mike's eyebrows knotted into a frown. "How was I supposed to know his convict suit was only a costume?" he exclaimed. "For that, they busted me down."? ? "Well," mused Pat,?"It's life and there's probably a lesson in there somewhere." ? ? "That there is," replied Mike. "I learned never to book a judge by his cover!" ? ===== ? Injured Knee? ? A beautiful A-list Hollywood actress is complaining of an injured knee, so she pays a visit to a chiropractor.? ? Upon examining her, he discovers one of the joints in her knee is all out of whack.? ? "It's not a problem," he tells the actress. "I can set it right in a short time."? ? "Oh, thank you," the actress replies.? ? As?he is tending to her knee, he asks, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
----- ? Hiccups? ? A man walked into a pharmacy and began looking amongst the shelves of medications. He continued looking for a few minutes.? ? The pharmacist, seeing that the man didn't seem to be able to find what he was looking for, chimed in, "Can I help you find anything?"? ? "Yes," the man said as he walked over to the pharmacist's counter. "What do you have for the hiccups?"? ? The pharmacist thought for a moment, then reached over and briskly and loudly smacked the man across the face.? ? "What was that for?" said the man, astonished.? ? "You don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" the pharmacist asked.? ? The man, rubbing his face, replied, "It's not for me, it's for my wife out in the car. She has the hiccups!"
----- ? What is Politics?? ? A little boy walked into his father's den while he was working one day.? ? "Dad?" the boy said.? ? "Yes?" the father replied as he turned around in his swivel chair.? ? The boy asked, "Dad, what is politics?"? ? "What is politics?" the father repeated. He thought for a moment about how to explain this so a young boy would understand and then replied, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:? ? "I am the head of the family, so call me The President.? ? "Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.? ? "We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.? ? "The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.? ? "And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.? ? "In a sense, that's politics."? ? "Thanks, Dad," the boy said. He left the den, thinking about the explanation his father had given him.? ? Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him and finds that he has soiled his diaper.? ? He then goes to his parents' room to tell them but finds his mother asleep.? ? Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny¡¯s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.? ? He gives up and goes back to bed.? ? The next morning, he comes downstairs and takes a seat at the breakfast table where his dad is reading the newspaper. ?? "Dad, I think I understand what you told me about politics yesterday," he says to his father.? ? "Oh?" the father replies, lowering the newspaper. "That's great, son. Tell me what you think politics is all about."? ? The little boy explains, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep @#$%!"
----- ? Halloween Fun ? Don't just settle for ordinary candy distribution this Halloween, have some?laughs with it. Try one or two of these ideas to make Halloween more fun and interesting:? ? Give away something other than candy, such as toothpicks, golf balls or boxes of Band-aids.? ? Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume and holding a bag and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.? ? Fill some file folders with candy. Write?"Top Secret" on them in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously and say, "It's about time you got here!" Give them a folder and quickly shut the door.? ? Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.? ? Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.? ?? Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything. Have someone else throw water on you?to revive you.? ? Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.? ? Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. ?? Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.? ? Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that you have to use up the leftover eggs from Easter.? ? Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a lecture on tooth decay.? ? Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised and close the door. Open it again a moment later and insist that you don't have any candy.? ? Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin king.? ? Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Tell the trick-or-treaters it's really Easter and that they are dressed for the wrong holiday. ? -----
HALLOWEEN SURVIVAL KIT? ? You didn't think Halloween required a survival kit? Of course it does! Danger abounds on this night, so prepare yourself by memorizing the following:? ? When it appears that you have killed the?monster, never go back and check to see if it¡¯s really dead.? ? If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses or had previous inhabitants who went mad?and died in some horrible fashion, move away.? ? Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.? ? Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.? ? Beware if your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own.? ? When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.? ? As a general rule, don¡¯t solve puzzles that open portals to hell.? ? Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.? ? If you¡¯re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it¡¯s just the cat, leave the room right away.? ? If your appliances start operating by themselves, move out.? ? If you find a town which looks deserted, it¡¯s probably that way for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.? ? If you¡¯re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are a female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it¡¯s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.? ? If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,?glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.? ? Stay away from?certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you¡¯re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.? ? If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.? ? Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons and band saws. Double that if said strangers are wearing hockey masks.? ? Basically, use your head and you'll get to keep it.
----- ? Questionable Phrases? ? You might think your kids are talking dirty at Halloween but they not. Here's a?list of Things your Kids Might Say?that Sound Dirty at Halloween But Really Aren't? ? "So, what did you get in the sack?" "Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!"
"Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!"
"Quit screwing around on the porch!"
"Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling."
"Can I eat your Zagnuts?"
"He's got?Candy?spread out on the living room floor!"
"She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch."
"If you just lick it, it'll last longer."
"I bobbed and bobbed but I just couldn't get my mouth around it!"
? ? Pumpkin ? A man is coming home from a late night Halloween party slightly drunk when he comes across a pumpkin patch.? ? Feeling a little frisky, he looks around to see if anyone else is present but there is no one. He kneels before a pumpkin and cuts a hole in the side. He then unzips his jeans and starts screwing the pumpkin.? ? A minute later a police cruiser patrolling the area passes by. The officer stops, gets out, walks over to the man and asks, "Why are you screwing that pumpkin?"? ? "Pumpkin?" the man says in a drunken surprised voice. He looks down, then back up at the officer. "Damn! Is it midnight already?" Received from Ha Ha Funnies
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Daily Jokes and Comics for November 1, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes & Comics?
for November 1, 2024
Today's One-Liner:??Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. ----- Puns
Catacombs: Remains to be seen ? Weather cocks are vain creatures. ? Why do musicians need a leader? ????Because they don't know how to conduct themselves ? A man lost his job as a tour guide in Arizona because he had no sense of Yuma. ? A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.??The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn't have the strength to finish the race.??The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind.??The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line.??Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.??Why was the tomato so successful???The tomato paste itself. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The first is a classic, but it seems to endure over the years. It might endure until the end... The second is also timeless... Two Palestinian guys get on a plane One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Palestinians. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Palestinian in the window seat said, ¡°I think I¡¯ll go up and get a Coke.¡± ¡°No problem,¡± said the Israeli, ¡°Stay there, I¡¯ll get it for you.¡± While he was gone, the Palestinian picked up the Israeli¡¯s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Palestinian said, ¡°That looks good. I think I¡¯ll have one too.¡± Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Palestinian picked up the other shoe and spat in it too. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. ¡°How long must this go on?¡± he asked. ¡°This enmity between our people¡this hatred¡this animosity¡this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?¡± --------- A man was assigned a seat on a flight to Las Vegas that was next to an extremely beautiful woman. That pleased him, as he was single and thought he¡¯d like to date her if she was as personable as she was beautiful. So, he asked her if she was headed for Vegas for a vacation. ¡°I wish¡±, she replied, sighing. ¡°No, it¡¯s a work trip. I¡¯m a ¡®sex expert¡¯ and I¡¯m speaking at our annual convention.¡± ¡°How interesting,¡± said the man. Can you tell me some facts about sex that aren¡¯t well known? I¡¯d love to impress my friends with my knowledge.¡± The woman said, ¡°Sure. For instance, most people don¡¯t know that Native American men have exceptional endurance and can have sex often and for long periods of time, without tiring. And we¡¯ve found that Jewish men are by far the most well endowed. By the way, I¡¯m Elise. I don¡¯t think I got your name.¡± ¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you, Elise. I¡¯m Tonto, Tonto Goldberg.¡±
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Quote Clint Eastwood, 94-year-old actor legend, formulated one of the most important lessons of his life so far for the young generation: "Don't look for luxury in watches or bracelets, don't look for luxury in villas or sailboats!?Luxury is laughter and friends, luxury is rain on your face, luxury is hugs and kisses. Don't look for luxury in shops, don't look for it in gifts, don't look for it in parties, don't look for it in events!?Luxury is being loved by people, luxury is being respected, luxury is having your parents alive, luxury is being able to play with your grandchildren. Luxury is what money can't buy." - Clint Eastwood ----- Cabbies A cabbie is a fare-minded person. ----- Envy, Jealousy, Selfishness A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that." ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ----- Information Assistance "Information.? Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause.? "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "No, no.? It isn't a person.? It's an organization.? It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir.? I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "Not *Theodore*!? *Theater*!? The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That,?sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore." ----- Laughing through Legal Woes:? 13 Lawyer Warning Signs 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 6. A prison guard is shaving your head. 7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. 8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..." 9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. 10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM." 12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." 13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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It is a rough road that leads to ?the good life.
Rhythm Of Weakness
Direct link:?
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- October 25, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: I'm the mom of an 18-year-old daughter, "Leia." We have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with our children, and we have what I think is a strong, positive familial bond. My best friend recently informed me that Leia has an Instagram account that's publicly accessible. I can't find her account when I search, which means she has me blocked. The account was created three years ago when she was a minor. I'm not happy with this. When asked back then, Leia told us repeatedly she didn't have an Instagram account -- but I always suspected she did, as most young people her age are engaged in social media. I would like Leia to unblock me so I can see her beautiful pictures. I'm not a harsh critic or negative person, though Leia often interprets my comments that way. I think she has blocked me because she considers any observations or comments I might make to be parental surveillance. I've told her, repeatedly, that I'm not trying to keep tabs on her. We have always given our kids what we think is a high level of personal freedom. I just want to see the beautiful images she posts. How do I gently bring this up to her, and ask her to allow me to see her account? -- BLOCKED IN NEW YORK DEAR BLOCKED: I don't advise you to ask your now-adult daughter to unblock you from her social media. You stated that Leia often interprets your comments and observations as critical and invasive, which may be the reason she blocked you in the first place. Because you long to see her "beautiful pictures," ask your good friend to show them to you on her computer or her cellphone. That way your curiosity will be assuaged, and Leia won't feel invaded.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with "Marvin" for 30 years, many of them as a married couple. He has many vices -- drinking and being abusive were the main issues. Our divorce was final two months ago. Marvin's behavior was so poor that if I had told anyone, they would have lost respect for him, and he would have most certainly lost his job. So, I kept his secrets at my own expense. If I had shared what was actually going on, Marvin would have faced the consequences. It was isolating and lonely. I have been hiding this shame for so long that, now that we are divorced, I'm not sure what to tell people. I want to tell the truth about what I experienced, but I don't want it to seem like I am just badmouthing my ex. How can I open up without seeming bitter? -- HELD BACK IN WASHINGTON DEAR HELD BACK: It's time to speak frankly to someone. The office of a licensed therapist would be a good place to start. Your doctor or your health insurance company can refer you to someone qualified. If you want to ensure that you won't be regarded as a "bitter divorcee," confide in your closest friends. When you do, explain that you know you should have spoken up sooner, but you were afraid that if you did, Marvin would lose his job, which would have had a negative impact on both of you. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 31, 2034
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 31, 2034
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
Dusk turns to evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide hollers this time, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
>>>Today's Thot
Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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This new technology is for the birds!
I sure do miss those good old reliable manual typewriters...
Those things didn¡¯t make nearly as many typing mistakes!
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A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
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Thought Of The Day:??He Can Compress the Most Words "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
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How did the octopus defeat the shark?
He was well armed!
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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.
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Thought Of The Day: I Have Loved the Stars ¡°I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.¡±
- Sarah Williams -----
Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
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The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced.
Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
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Thought Of The Day:??Two Things Are Infinite ¡°Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.¡±
- Albert Einstein
Received from aJokeADay,
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Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by. Mel Brooks
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| ??Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
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Under the Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."? After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for quite a long time, and I am seriously contemplating walking away from it. We no longer have anything in common. I'm active and hike, bike, play golf and lift weights. My wife is 100% sedentary and wants no part of any of these activities that could keep us both healthy. It has taken a toll on her to the point that she has become obese and has mobility issues. Even a small amount of exertion exhausts her, which leaves me doing almost everything. I did not sign up to be someone's caretaker because she didn't take care of herself. For a long time, I have become friendly with a woman who is active and healthy like me. We have much more in common than just being active. She tells me she loves my intelligence and what a great career I had. I never received any support from my wife. I am tired of being a slave. I want a partner. Your thoughts? -- FIT IN NEW YORK DEAR FIT: I think your marriage started failing before you met this active, health-conscious woman. As it stands, you are emotionally divorced before being legally divorced. Talk to an attorney, then tell your wife that you haven't felt emotionally supported by her for a long time and you want a divorce so you can be with someone whose interests and lifestyle more closely align with yours. From what you have written, I doubt your marriage could be saved by counseling because, emotionally, you have already moved on.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single female in my 60s. I'm very much a loner and mostly keep to myself. While I know my lifestyle may be unconventional, it is the one I choose. My concern is the possibility of dying alone in my house. I have serious health issues and don't expect to live a long life. I sometimes go weeks without contact with another human being, and if I should meet my demise, there's a very real possibility that it could go completely unnoticed for quite some time. I am not asking that you offer advice to fix my solitary life because, frankly, I accept it. What I would like to know is if there is a way -- a service or device or something -- that would alert someone in the likely event that I am alone when I meet my end. -- FLYING SOLO IN TEXAS DEAR SOLO: Great question. If you have a newspaper delivered, your carrier would notice if they were starting to pile up on your doorstep. The same would apply if your mail carrier noticed your mail starting to accumulate. There are also apps and services that will check in daily with you to be sure you are OK. One I have heard about is the Telephone Reassurance program. It is often a free service provided by a county's department of aging and disabilities. Volunteers place daily phone calls to older or disabled adults to help them remain independent in their homes for as long as possible. If this isn't available in your area, check with your local senior center, AARP or department of senior services for recommendations. |
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Stop Worrying!
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It is a rough road that leads to ?the good life.
Rhythm Of Weakness
Direct link:?
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Daily Jokes and Comics for October 30, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for October 30, 2024
Today's One-Liner:??Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. ----- Quote Clint Eastwood, 94-year-old actor legend, formulated one of the most important lessons of his life so far for the young generation: "Don't look for luxury in watches or bracelets, don't look for luxury in villas or sailboats!?Luxury is laughter and friends, luxury is rain on your face, luxury is hugs and kisses. Don't look for luxury in shops, don't look for it in gifts, don't look for it in parties, don't look for it in events!?Luxury is being loved by people, luxury is being respected, luxury is having your parents alive, luxury is being able to play with your grandchildren. Luxury is what money can't buy." - Clint Eastwood _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kirk's Puns
Eve was nigh Adam; Adam was naive. ? The latest novelty act to be seen on television is a dancing duck.??Waddle they think of next? ? What happened when the dry cleaner was mugged? ????He pressed charges. ? I saw a baby cow lying in the grass doing leg lifts.??He must have been developing his calf muscles. ? Last week, a few miles from here, a Little League team was playing a game one evening. The ball field is adjacent to a large ranch where cattle, swine and poultry are raised.??It seems that the game was very close and was hotly contested.??It was the bottom of the ninth inning.??The team at bat was one run behind with a runner at second base.??The batter was nervous, having a count of three balls and two strikes.??The next pitch might decide the game!??Just as the pitch was thrown, a large hog broke through the center field fence and ran onto the field.??At this exact moment, the batter managed a direct hit on the incoming pitch and launched the ball into the outfield.??The ball headed straight for the boar, and finally hit him on the flanks.??As the opposing team stared at him, the pig stopped in his tracks, then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and ran back through the fence and disappeared.??The umpire, proving that he was up to the occasion, ruled that the batting team had won, since the hit was an inside-the-pork home run.
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Kirk's Limericks
There's a parachute jump class that my Wife attended and said with a sigh: ????????????"Class did not go real well, ????????????And the way I could tell Was the?dropout?rate?was just sky high." ?
"There's a handcrafted clock; I adore it. It's in need of repair; please restore it," ????????????I implore of a man. ????????????He replies, "Yes I can. Pretty soon I'll be?making?time?for?it." ?
Firm is selling hair trimmers that snip Very fast, and their spokesman did quip ????????????That they've met with success. ????????????I suppose you can guess That they're selling them?at?a?good?clip. ?
The job training instructor's a lass Who's so good no one else can surpass ????????????Her effectiveness rate, ????????????And the gal likes to state She likes teaching the town's?working?class. ?
Sports reporter does yearn for glory; Had acclaim and now wants some more.??He ????????????Has just gathered info ????????????About marathons, so He is ready to?run?a?story. ?
Every year, I do like to pursue Growing veggies, to name just a few: ????????????There are parsnips and beets ????????????And potatoes.??Friend tweets Me a message: I'm?rooting?for?you. ?
? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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College DiplomaA grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here is something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she brought home!"
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Cabbies A cabbie is a fare-minded person. ----- Envy, Jealousy, Selfishness A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that." ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ----- Information Assistance "Information.? Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause.? "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "No, no.? It isn't a person.? It's an organization.? It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir.? I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "Not *Theodore*!? *Theater*!? The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That,?sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore." ----- Laughing through Legal Woes:? 13 Lawyer Warning Signs 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 6. A prison guard is shaving your head. 7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. 8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..." 9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. 10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM." 12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." 13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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Be The Rainbow!
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Daily Jokes and Comics for October 29, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for October 29, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??
Kirk's Puns? ??
A man put all of his money into two stocks: a paper towel company and a revolving door concern.??He was wiped out before he could turn around. ? The clothing store is so expensive that if they alter your designer suit, it costs you an Armani a leg. ? It is believed that stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of hemlines in ladies' skirts and dresses.??Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini-skirts soared in 1993.??Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.??Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.??The advice to the investor then, is "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!" ? On one expedition, an archeologist only uncovered leg bones -- a real shin-dig! ? It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age.??When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away.??She picked up the broom countless times, but each time the wind got the best of her and knocked her over.??Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing, and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket.??"I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are you doing?"??The child replied, "Now I weigh me down to sweep."
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Kirk's Limerick
To the party the general came. From the press he had earned much acclaim. ????????????All the folks were aware ????????????He's the highest rank there, So they called the man by his?sir-name. ? Jim and Conrad and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Jokes
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, and makes $55,555.55 a year. He strongly believes his lucky number is 5.
One day he says, "What the hell?!" and he goes to the horse track. As luck would have it there was a horse named 'Lucky Number 5.' Of course, he bets $5,555.55 on horse 'Lucky Number 5.' He goes up into the bleachers and sits in row number 5. 5 seconds later, the race starts. He says "Yes! I can't lose! 5 is my lucky number!"
'Lucky Number 5' comes in 5th. ? ? A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." ? ? A Jew, an Italian, and a Frenchman are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"I'm so sorry.....but they are out of season !"
"So, nu, I'll wait .
?
A LETTER FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY
By Patty Baribeau
As a busy homeschooling mother of 10, I often forget to play tooth fairy at the appropriate times. On such occasions, the attached letter mysteriously appears to explain the Tooth Fairy's delay. The? letter usually turns a frown into a gap-toothed grin and the child is encouraged to try again another night.
Dear _________________:
Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of children's lost teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below:
[ ] it was not a human tooth
[ ] we do not consider pieces of chicken bone amusing
[ ] we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
[ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
[ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you
[ ] the tooth was too fragile to move due to excessive cavities
[ ] the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
[ ] this tooth has been reported missing from the dinosaur exhibit at your local museum
[ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy
[ ] you were age 18 or older at the time your request was received
[ ] OSHA rules prohibit fairies from entering bedrooms labeled "hazardous waste disposal area"
?
[ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog
[ ] we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
? ? [ ] wire
? ? [ ] pliers
? ? [ ] gunpowder
? ? [ ] hammer marks
? ? [ ] chisel
? ? [ ] acid
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
Lt. Flossie Fairy
President
Tooth Fairy Union #32
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Copyright 2009 Patty Baribeau (patty@...). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
>>>Today's Thot
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Shopping for a Dress
A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her, she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires. After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?" ----- Four Corporate Presidents Captured by Terrorists Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. "You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?" The Englishman spoke first. "Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men." "That can be arranged," said the terrorist. The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."? The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management." The terrorist turned finally to the American. "What is your last request?" The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!" Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My out-of-state sister is facing major, life-threatening surgery. Even though she isn't well, I asked to visit her a few days prior to a family reunion, and she agreed. While I was there, I noticed she was irritable and sharp-tongued, more so than she usually is. I let it go. However, on the morning of the reunion, as we were getting ready to go, she turned her anger on me, screaming and yelling at me and making all kinds of accusations. I'm sorry to say that after repeated statements, I started shouting back. When I regained my composure, I apologized to her for everything she said I had done as a guest. Then I packed my bags and went to stay at another family member's home. At the reunion, she was sweet and nice to everyone but, of course, our conversation was minimal. I'm home now, but at a loss as to what to do next. I already apologized, but the silence from her is deafening. She has always been headstrong, argumentative and self-righteous, but she's my only sibling, and I love her. I'm not perfect either, but I can't help but think that an apology from her is the only way we can move forward. Agree? -- BROTHER WHO TRIES IN ILLINOIS DEAR BROTHER: No, I do not agree. Your sister is very ill. The treatment is life-threatening. In this situation, many people are not at their best. Do not demand or expect an apology from her. Call, text or write her to tell her you love her and wish her well in the coming weeks and months, and that she is in your thoughts. In a case like this, a dose of selective amnesia on your part might be beneficial.
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my 32-year-old distant cousin (male) on my dad's side has been flirting with my mom on Facebook Messenger. (For the record, my parents have been divorced for 18 years.) I saw this when I was helping Mom set up her new phone and she received one of the messages. She has asked him to stop, but he keeps sending messages that start with "Hey, beautiful," "Hey, most beautiful lady in the world" and "Hey, hot stuff." He says he wants to take her on a date and kiss her, even if it's just once. I know I was wrong for doing this, but I decided to review the whole conversation and other conversations from previous FB accounts my cousin has had. These messages go back two years, including when he was in another relationship. Neither my mom nor my cousin knows that I know about these messages. I am reluctant to confront my cousin because of how I found out, and I want to avoid causing embarrassment for my mom from that side of the family. But I feel he needs to be held accountable and to know that this is not OK. What should I do? -- KNOWS TOO MUCH IN WISCONSIN DEAR KNOWS: Your mother is an adult, and presumably in her right mind. If she didn't enjoy the attention, she could block the messages. My advice is to stop snooping and stay out of it. |
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It¡¯s ok if sometimes you want to ?act normal.
Be The Rainbow!
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 28, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics for October 28, 2024?
Kirk's Daily Puns
It often is presumed that the Carthaginian military strategist, Hannibal, invaded Italy by crossing the Alps on pachyderms because he wished to have a tactical advantage over his enemy.??The simple truth was that he had so much equipment and ammunition to haul, there would be no other way for him to accomplish the journey.??Hannibal knew that in order to be certain of a victory, it was important that he maintain elephant of supplies. ? Is the woman who jumps out of a giant birthday cake a Pop-Tart? ? You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil has to be lead. ? Hitch hiking is not a good rule of thumb. ?
There was a newscaster who did her hair in a short wave.??Later, she had a new hairpiece every day and was considered a big wig.??Then she colored her hair in places since she was on a winning streak.??Her hair stylist could be quite barber-ous.??One day she saw a strand of gray and thought she'd dye.
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Kirk's Daily Limerick
Hitter stepped to the plate, heaved a sigh. For a game winning hit thought he'd try. ????????????So please pardon the pun: ????????????Batter hit a home run On first pitch without?batting?an?eye. ? Jim and Jim and Conrad and Bill and Carol got it. ?
Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" ? ----- ? A highly timid Casper Milquetoast, a little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "................ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bullshit!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir." ? ?~~
An Exam Funny
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman for a while before taking on a congregation.
He studied hard and passed the exams; worked himself buff to pass the physical; and then came the all-important final interview.
One question was: "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"? He promptly responded, "I would pass an offering plate."
He got the job.
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
I heard the word "icy" was easy to spell. Looking at it now I can see why.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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A Diner Funny
An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, "I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes."
"And what would your friend have?"
"Nothing," replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted, "Isn't he hungry?"
"Hey, if he were hungry," said the antelope, "would I be sitting here?"
>>>Today's Thot
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Punny Signs Of Good Taste¡??
At a fast food restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
Over the beer tap at a tavern: "One Pitcher's Worth A Thousand Words."
In a health food restaurant: "All You Should Eat, $6.50."
At a German restaurant: "Where The In Kraut Goes For Lunch."
On an inn's wine rack: "We're No. 1 On The Best Cellar List."
Received from Annaphoenixbird.
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Learning ChineseAlthough I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a wonderful meal I had eaten in Chinatown.
Unfortunately, I could not remember the name of the restaurant, but was able to write the Chinese character that was on the door and show it to my mother.
"Do you know what it says?"
Mom answered with a smile, "It says 'Pull.'"
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL. ~~
Puns of the WeakIt's been said that anyone can become president of the United States. Jefferson did it. Nixon did it. Truman did it. Apparently any Tom, Dick, and Harry can be president! (Richard Lederer)
Two attractive female birds were showing off in front of some males. Both had spent two hours at the hairdresser, but it was the curly bird that got the perm.
How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
Answer : One Word
A friend's daughter, Callie, had enrolled in a Spanish class taught by an Hispanic teacher. "I'm not familiar with that name," he said. "Does it start with a K?" She replied, "C." Ever since, he has spelled her name "Kallie."
Today a riot broke out at the Grand theatre, Wolverhampton, England during the performance of a pantomime held on behalf of Paranoids Anonymous. The trouble started when someone shouted: "He's behind you!"
Received from Stan Kegel. ~~
Exam by Chance A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.? The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers." ----- Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I caught my husband talking on the phone to another woman. I heard him say, "Get some sleep, sweetheart," and "Thank you for being my companion." When I called him on it, he claimed nothing was happening and he had used the wrong words. He admitted to whom he was talking, and I called her. She said she was just a friend and had no feelings for him that way. Afterward, I still felt something was going on. That was two years ago, and I do not think the same way about him. He knows this, and continues to tell me he loves me and that nothing went on. Am I right to feel this way? -- DIDN'T BUY IT IN WISCONSIN DEAR DIDN'T BUY IT: People have been known to speak affectionately to each other without an affair going on. Both your husband and the woman denied it. However, with the trust between you and your husband broken after what you heard, the time to begin dealing with it was two years ago. It is still not too late for the two of you to have some sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist, and that's what I am urging you to do.
DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping that you can help me. My sister and I are distanced from each other. We haven't spoken since the passing of our mother three years ago. Today I learned that she has been diagnosed with stage-3 cancer. Of course, this has hit me hard. I want to reach out, but I'm not sure how to go about it. She has blocked me from her social media and won't accept my calls. I need to let her know that I'm here for her. Please advise how to approach this. -- TRYING IN THE MIDWEST DEAR TRYING: Whatever caused the rift with your sister, it is clearly more serious than "distancing." If you put your thoughts and feelings in a letter to her, it will let her know that you love her, are concerned about her diagnosis and ready to do whatever she will allow you to do to help. That's all you can do. After that, the ball is in her court. I hope it works.
DEAR ABBY: You often respond to a person who has been "ghosted" by a friend or relative. I have the opposite problem. I have a longtime friend and colleague who has begun to drive me nuts, creating anxiety and anger whenever I must deal with them. They are a nice person, but every time I communicate with them, they respond by texts and emails multiple times a day. They have only four go-to topics -- one of them being weather. I don't know how not to hurt their feelings, so ghosting seems like the softest approach. Ideas? -- FUTURE GHOSTER IN OREGON DEAR FUTURE GHOSTER: Explain to this colleague that your schedule is swamped. Then stop responding to the unnecessary texts and emails. If the person asks why or what has changed, repeat that you are jammed and do not have time for personal exchanges during work hours. Period. |
I¡¯ve heard life is short, but you can make it sweet.
Do You Know What Do You Want?
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DailyJokes for October 27, 2024
DailyJokes and Comics for October 27, 2024
Kirk's Puns? ? ? ??
The?Montgolfier brothers launched their balloon in 1783 and proved they weren¡¯t full of hot air. ? Police can do a search if it's warranted. ? That's a terrible cough you've got.??Consumption be done about it? ? When they played tennis in the afterlife, it was a match made in heaven. ? A zero (that is right, a zero) walked into a bar one day and said, "I want a whiskey sour, please."??The bartender replied, "Look, buddy, we don't serve zeros in this bar, so either get out or I am going to kick you out."??The zero got angry and shouted, "I want a whiskey sour, and I want it now!" banging the counter top for emphasis and dramatic effect.??The bartender, thinking it more like comic relief, retorted, "I told you, no zeros in this bar.??Now get out of here or else!"??The zero promptly left the bar.??On the way out, he noticed headlines about a local university professor doing all kinds of experiments with the effects of atomic rays on growth and metabolism.??The zero headed to see the professor, and got accepted as a subject in a series of experiments with alpha, beta, and gamma rays.??Two days later, now a huge, strong, powerful zero, glowing a bright electric blue, he wandered by the bar again.??He decided to go back in for a drink.??He went straight up to the bar and asked, "I would like a whiskey sour, please."??The bartender did a double take, and said, "Hey, aren't you the zero that came in just a couple days ago?"??And the zero said, "No, I'm alpha-rayed naught."
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Kirk's Limericks
Discus has a big chip.??With dismay, An official says that's not okay. ????????????Can no longer be used ????????????Because it's been abused. They decided to?throw?it?away. ? Conrad and Jim and Dickhead and Grover got it.
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When the rain's falling down from the sky, Cows lie down and I oft wonder why. ????????????They will lie together ????????????In the stormy weather, An attempt to keep?each?udder?dry. ? Chris and Bill and Conrad and Grover got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Graffiti compiled from toilet walls:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
... Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
... Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
... The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra/Bud Ice Penguin
... Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
... Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
... Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
... The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
... Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
... Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
... Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less
... Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
... Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
... Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
... On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
- O'Ryan's -Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
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Once there were two star football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it didn't prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either." ? ? A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." ? ? I just heard that I¡¯ve won a raffle. No idea what I¡¯m going to do with a raffle though. ? ? This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!" ? ? Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Kirk's True News ?
Thoroughly Embarrassed:?Security checks at Hokkaido, Japan¡¯s, New Chitose Airport were shut down in the domestic terminal after a store inside the security perimeter reported a pair of scissors had gone missing. Security ran everyone through a recheck, which took two hours, during which time 36 flights were canceled, and more than 200 others were delayed. Security let passengers depart when the scissors were not found. They were found the next day ¡ª in the store where they had been misplaced. The Hokkaido Airport Authority said that it ¡°will once again work to ensure thorough management awareness.¡± (RC/BBC)?...Authorities must be thorough when assuring thorough managerial awareness. Eighth Time¡¯s the Charm:?Sarah Boone, 46, of Winter Park, Fla., was arrested four years ago for allegedly suffocating her boyfriend in a suitcase. Her second-degree murder trial starts in a few months, and she needs to find an attorney ¡ª for the eighth time. After submitting a letter to the court firing her seventh lawyer, Boone has put the word out about her search in a handmade flyer. ¡°INMATE SEEKS ATTORNEY¡±, the header reads. It continues, in handwritten text, ¡°Looking for a prosperous challenge? Ready for your close-up on nat¡¯l television? Are you zealous with a side of keen? Show the WORLD who you are with your original creativity,extraordinary expertise and confident ingenuity.¡± At the bottom, Boone concludes with, ¡°EPIC OPPORTUNITY AWAITS, INVEST IN THE OPPRESSED. BELIEVE.¡± (MS/WJXX Jacksonville)?...Seems like a risky investment. Condommies:?¡°If you have received what looks like a condom from SHFPACT in the past six months, do not use it,¡± advised Sexual Health and Planning ACT, an organization in the Australian Capital Territory. In a letter to parents, Caitlin Horan, principal of Dickson College, a public school the organization serves, wrote that ¡°We have been informed that SHFPACT may have inadvertently distributed lubricated probe covers for medical ultrasound [equipment] rather than condoms. We have informed students ... of this issue and requested that they discard these products, as it is difficult to determine from the packaging whether they are condoms or ultrasound probe covers.¡± The covers come in packaging that clearly says: ¡°Chekmate lubricated probe cover.¡± (AC/Australian ABC)?...¡°Chekmate¡± indeed. If You Know, You Know:?¡°I like to put my art out there and just see what happens,¡± says Preston Poling, the ¡°Bearded Miniaturist¡± ¡ª he makes highly detailed miniature scenes, and enters them into competitions, such as this year¡¯s Kentucky State Fair. He has won several competitions, but came in third at this year¡¯s State Fair with his latest diorama, which was ¡°about as subtle as you could get,¡± he said: it¡¯s the adult film set for the series called?The Casting Couch?¡ª and when judges found out what it was, they took it off display and will not even return it to Poling until the Fair is over. ¡°It was supposed to be a tongue in cheek,¡± Poling said. ¡°For the people who didn¡¯t know what it was, there¡¯s zero imagery. But if you know, you know.¡± (RC/WHAS Louisville, WFPL Louisville)?...So no one would be offended unless they already know what it is, in which case they won¡¯t be offended.
Revolving Door
Florida Man Booked into Jail 74 Times Arrested Again
WESH Orlando headline ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NEW WORDS FOR EDUCATORS
Letter of recondemnation - A letter of reference from the wrong person.
Magnetic schools - Special schools in which students are either attracted to or repelled by the other students.
McDone - Students unable to participate in the afternoon's learning activities because they consumed large amounts of fast food for lunch.
Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.
Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.
Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.
Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.
Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.
Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.
Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a mid term report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.
Strobed - Feeling you have after spending all day in a classroom with florescent lights that do that flicker thing.
Teacherscreen - The student who stands in front of you to purposefully block your view of the rest of the class as he asks you a question.
Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.
Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.
Vistamized - A student so fascinated with the view from the classroom window that he has completely lost touch with what's going on inside the classroom.
Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.
>>>Today's Thot
I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!"
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months." -----
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." ----- Thought Of The Day:??I Will Always Love You ¡°Whitney Houston¡¯s cover of 'I Will Always Love You' was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.¡±
¨D Tina Fey, Bossypants
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The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
¡°Yes,¡± he said. ¡°My dad taught me.¡±
¡°Good. So what comes after eight?¡±
¡°Nine,¡± answered Little Johnny.
¡°And what comes after nine?¡±
¡°°Õ±ð²Ô.¡±
¡°And what comes after ten?¡±
¡°The Jack.¡± -----
Submitted by?
Did a little mechanical work today...
I put a rear end in a recliner. -----
Thought Of The Day:??She Moved Like Water ¡°She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.¡±
- Cassandra Rose Clarke, The Assassin's Curse
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DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling to continue my relationship with my dad, who is in his 80s. He recently became very ill and nearly died. He was unable to walk for several months, and when he was finally able to start getting around, it was with a wheelchair and walker. Dad started driving his truck, although my brother and I strongly suggested it wasn't safe for him. He wasn't even able to get into the truck without assistance. A little history: Our mother was killed in a car accident when I was 14 and my brother was 18. She was hit by an elderly gentleman whose family admitted he shouldn't have been driving. So here's the conflict: We have pleaded with Dad not to drive and endanger the lives of everyone on the road, including his own. Our stepmom refuses to take away the keys and even encourages him to drive despite the fact that we have asked them repeatedly to stop. He says he won't have a wreck and it's safe. This is so hurtful. He continues to be selfish and completely ignores the fact that our mother died because of someone like him. What should I do? I know Dad doesn't have much time left, but I'm struggling to keep our relationship going. -- FED-UP DAUGHTER IN MISSISSIPPI DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father's desire for independence may be stronger than his reason. If he needs assistance getting into his truck, who is there to help him when it's time to exit the vehicle? Does his doctor think it is safe for him to be driving? Consider posing this question to his doctor in writing. You and your brother might also consider informing the police in your community that, because of his disability, you are afraid your father may pose a danger on the road. Because he refuses to listen, that's all you and your brother can do.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, my best friend, "Stuart," found a new partner of the same gender. I'm happy he found someone with whom he has a deep connection and I admire his confidence in coming out. However, it has taken a toll on our friendship. When Stuart and I hang out, he brings his partner along. I usually wouldn't mind having more people along, but Stuart and his partner are often intimate around me in public. I have expressed my discomfort and asked him to maintain some decorum and relationship boundaries, but he continues to act inappropriately. I don't want to lose my friendship with him, but if he chooses his partner over me every single time, I see no other option. What should I do? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: What do you mean by "intimate"? Are you describing handholding? Hugging? A quick peck on the cheek or lips? Or passionate embraces and expressions of affection usually confined to the bedroom? If it's the latter, express your discomfort to Stuart again, or see them only in a less public setting.
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The longer you wait to handle something, the harder it's going to get.
Do You Know What Do You Want?
Direct link:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 26, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 26, 2024
Kirk's Puns
Why did the knife sharpener quit his job? ????He couldn't take the grind. ? Artists know where to draw the line. ? If you tell a falsehood just after waking up, you are lying in bed. ? Authorities are seeking a 6-foot octopus for the robbery of a convenience store.??He is described as "heavily armed."??His accomplice is a large porcupine described as "tall, dark and prickly."??Police have issued an "all points" bulletin. ? Two electricians were in a race, and it went down to the wire. They just kept plugging away. Suddenly the electricity went off and they didn't know watt was the problem. Then it came back and they both surged on as a result of the switch. The finally finished the battery of tests.
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Kirk's Jokes
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother." ? ? A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink." ? --- ? Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."??That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
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Kirk's Godfather
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think? -----
What does the duck say mommy?
Quack Quack.
What does the kitty say mommy?
Meow.
What does the donkey say?
You'll have to ask daddy when he gets back from golfing.
----- Thought Of The Day:??How To Raise Children ¡°Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.¡±
- P. J. O¡¯Rourke _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Medical Problem A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"? The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." ----- The Big Question Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.? "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" ----- Cowboy Problem The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"? "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." ----- Chinese Meal A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.? "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck" ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Wolverine, but it's Danny DeVito _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: My wife continually dirties the floors in our home because she refuses to stop wearing shoes in the house. She'll be out all day -- at work, running errands, etc. -- and then come home and keep her same shoes on. She has even done yard work and then come inside wearing those same shoes! It's a family trait for her -- her mother does the same thing in her house. We recently visited her aunt and uncle -- both of whom were wearing outdoor shoes indoors! How do I convince my wife that our house is dirty specifically because of this? -- IN MY SLIPPERS DEAR SLIPPERS: According to the August 2024 issue of Consumer Reports, half of household dust is tracked or carried into homes from outside. The soles of our shoes can also carry viruses as well as other unhealthy and unpleasant substances. Instituting an indoor/outdoor policy might help to keep your house cleaner, but the habits of a lifetime are hard to break, and your wife may have trouble changing. A workable compromise might be to have a doormat outside for scraping dust and debris off shoes. Suggest it to her as a possible solution.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are drafting our wills. Our sticking point is my son's wife. She has had affairs and spends money like crazy that they don't have. Is there any way we can shelter from her any inheritance he might receive from us? We considered hiring a private investigator but wouldn't know what we'd do should a current affair be discovered. We couldn't tell our son. Please help us decide. -- TACTFUL IN TEXAS DEAR TACTFUL: Because the laws vary from state to state, the person who should answer this question would be your attorney or your CPA. They can advise you on how to word your wills and estate plans. P.S. Because your daughter-in-law has a history of infidelity, if you hire a P.I. and he or she finds evidence that she's cheating again, you should let your son know and the context in which the discovery was made.
DEAR ABBY: My stepson has invited my husband and me to his home for Thanksgiving this year. After agreeing to go, I found out that the meal will consist of vegetarian lasagna. I feel this is inconsiderate of my stepson and his wife because they know my husband and I have always enjoyed traditional Thanksgiving (including the Thanksgiving meal of roasted turkey). Please, what is your opinion? I feel like it's just not Thanksgiving without the turkey. -- WANTING A FEAST IN THE SOUTH DEAR WANTING: I'm so glad you asked. The Thanksgiving celebration is a tradition in which families and friends join together to give thanks for being together and enjoy food, friendship and the freedoms we are privileged to have in this country. If you need protein, have some before you go. |
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?
Give?us
a sense of humor,
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk?
...?? ? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.? ? Compiled
by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. Available
Free by E-mail every day.? To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP
O'CHEER in the subject line to mvandriesen@...?? To
UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with UNSUBSCRIBE TODAY'S JOKES in the subject
line. ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 25, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 25, 2024
Kirk's Puns
Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize ? When dressing up for a masquerade, disguise the limit. ? 'Pun' spelled backwards is a nup.??And a nup is a nup. ? Juan and his identical twin brother had some pictures taken of themselves.??When the pictures were ready, the boys' mother went to pick them up.??The clerk gave her twelve pictures in all, so she asked, "Which ones are which?"??The clerk replied, "It's six of Juan, half dozen of the brother." ? Why did the man put a mirror on the wall facing the bathroom commode? ????So he could sit and reflect
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Kirk's Limericks
On my quarterback skills test, alas, My performance was very low class. ????????????I did not have a ball; ????????????Didn't do well at all. The result, no surprise:?didn't?pass. ? Jim and Chris and Grover and Bill C. got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Funny
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.? ? Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:??According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.??Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.??Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
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Kirk's Jokes
There once were 2 Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. And as a part of being the best of friends, as best friends will do, they spent a lot of time together, at their favorite public house, imbibing. During one particular night of revelry, the 2 agreed that "when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of fondly missed and recently dead friend". And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn", says Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn speaks back "Yes, Paddy, I can".
Bashfully, Pat starts "Do, do you remember our pact, Shawn?".
"Yes, I do Pat", Shawn strains.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?", says Pat.
"Yes, Pat, I do", whispers Shawn.
"It's a very *old* bottle now, you know", urges Pat.
"And what are you getting at Pat", replies Shawn, briskly.
"Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" ? ? Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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Kirk's GREAT Rope Trick
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Kirk's IKEA
OXFORD ¡ª Theologians have begun intensely debating whether God is capable of designing an IKEA bookcase that He cannot assemble. The hotly contested argument arose among well-respected theological minds after one divinity student raised the omniscience paradox regarding whether God was powerful enough to create a piece of IKEA furniture so confusing and misshapen that He would then be unable to put it together Himself. "It's a new twist on an age-old question," said Professor Blake Rumsey, an associate at the Oxford University School of Theology and Religion. "While our forebearers were preoccupied with debating whether or not God could create a rock so heavy He could not lift it, the true question of our time is predicated on the complexity, unpredictability, and truly abominable craftsmanship of the IKEA bookcase and the power that would be necessary to assemble it correctly. Even the Church Fathers would be stumped by this one." Rumsey's peers agreed. "God can do all things, yes?" asked Dr. Clifford Martin of the Cambridge Seminary of Learning Biblical Things. "So, with that said, God can create an IKEA bookcase of any level of impossibility to assemble, yes? But would it then be too complex even for Him, in His omnipotence, to put together? It creates a puzzling theological dilemma." At publishing time, the debate had shifted to whether God could put together even a routine IKEA bookcase made by the demons at IKEA.
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Kirk's True News ?
Get Back to Work!?Chris Ellison, the billionaire CEO of Mineral Resources, an Australian mining company, is very firm that employees may not work remotely. ¡°I want to hold them captive all day long. I don¡¯t want them leaving the building,¡± he says. ¡°I don¡¯t want them walking down the road for a cup of coffee. We kind of figured out a few years ago how much that costs, wandering out around lunchtime.¡± To keep employees happy, Ellison, 67, who is from New Zealand and dropped out ofschool at 15 to work, has added a gym to the company¡¯s headquarters, as well as a restaurant, a medical clinic, a childcare center (for which he charges A$20/day), and even a staff of nine psychologists to handle ¡°any mental health issues.¡± If that¡¯s not enough, he promises to add ¡°other facilities that keep them glued in there.¡± (RC/New Zealand Herald)?...Reading about New York¡¯s Triangle Shirtwaist Factory should give him some great ideas. Overworked Too:?Denise Prudhomme, 60, clocked into her job at the Wells Fargo Bank corporate office in Tempe, Ariz., at 7:00 a.m. on Friday morning. Four days later, co-workers found her unresponsive, and when police arrived they confirmed the worst: Prudhomme was dead. ¡°And nobody did anything,¡± a distressed employee said. ¡°That¡¯s how she spent her last moments.¡± Several people had detected a foul odor before Prudhomme¡¯s body was discovered, but thought it was just faulty plumbing.The building has 24/7 security. ¡°That¡¯s the scary part. That¡¯s the uneasy part,¡± one employee said, adding that there was ¡°negligence¡± involved. ¡°We are deeply saddened by the tragic loss of our colleague at our Tempe office,¡± Wells Fargo said in a statement. ¡°Our thoughts and prayers are with their family and loved ones during this difficult time.¡± (MS/KPNX Phoenix)?...We are deeply saddened that a major bank can only afford thoughts and prayers. Both Sides Now:?¡°You win some, you lose some,¡± Major League Baseball posted. ¡°Just ask Danny Jansen.¡± One might say the catcher had done both ¡ª in the same game. The first inning of that game was played in June, when Jansen was with the Toronto Blue Jays. The game was paused on account of rain. During the two-month hiatus, the Blue Jays traded Jansen to the Boston Red Sox ¡ª putting him on the other side of the suspended game. His new team lost, but Jansen won a place in baseball history: no one else had ever played for two teams in one game. (AC/NBC News)?...At least, not openly. Duuude:?Recreational marijuana sales started in Ohio on August 6, but the state¡¯s Division of Cannabis Control says the rollout was not fully compliant with the law, and has recommended a number of fines be levied against several companies. The largest commercial pot operation in the state, The Botanist, is subject to $150,000 in fines: $50,000 for using an ice cream truck to cater to customers with the munchies, $50,000 for advertising ¡°free ice cream¡± with purchases without getting pre-approval from the state, and another $50,000 for using an advertising sign larger than the 16- by 18-inches allowed by law. All the penalties can be appealed, the DCC says. The company has already agreed to pay a $12,500 fine for using an unapproved slogan, ¡°Can you take me higher?¡± (RC/Akron Beacon Journal)?...The state, meanwhile, is being fined even more since its name is pronounced ¡°o-HIGH-o¡±.
Heh, They Said Shuttlecock
Hong Kong Students Urged to Try Badminton Instead of Sex
ABC Australia headline
Received from Kirk Miller.
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A Gates Funny
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates when a soul approached, hopeful of being let in.
Peter asked, "Why should I let you into Heaven?"
The very recently departed answered, "Once a coworker said "supposably" seven times in a meeting and I just let her."
St. Peter, "Get in here!"
>>>Today's Thot
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Received?from Mikey's Funnies.
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Italian Food
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."? "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported." -----
Pulled Over
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.? "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies." Differences between Work and Prison
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.? "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies." ----- Expressions for High Stress Days Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.? The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. Did the aliens forget to remove your probe? Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." Better living through denial.? Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? Back off! You're standing in my aura. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.? Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
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DEAR ABBY: After a lonely post-divorce decade, I have found a loving man whom I'll call "Drew." We share many of the same interests and values, and are enjoying this second chance at love and romance. We spend time at each other's homes, and my grown kids like having him around. The challenge is the erratic and angry behavior of his 27-year-old son, "Adam," who lives in the building my boyfriend owns and resides in. Adam was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Drew now says the diagnosis was inaccurate, and Adam is learning how to deal with his emotions without heavy medication. Abby, Adam has never held a job, and manages only one junior college class a semester in his quest to enter a four-year university. The balance of his time is spent gaming with online friends and complaining about neighbors who rent in the building. I have witnessed his disturbing and angry behavior and have made clear I will remove myself from the drama should things get heated in my presence. What I'm struggling with is the passive way Drew is managing Adam's bullying and negative behavior. When Adam acts out, Drew is often sworn at, derided, manipulated and disrespected. The co-dependence and enabling in this father-son relationship prevents any chance of Adam attaining an independent life. Drew becomes very defensive when I speak about his son, and there is rarely agreement about how to handle a particular outburst. I'm not sure I can manage a future with him if his son comes as a package deal. Should I stay or should I go? -- SEES WRITING ON THE WALL DEAR SEES WRITING: Face it -- Drew's mentally challenged son is part of a package deal. Your boyfriend has no intention of changing the dynamic between him and Adam because, unpleasant as it sometimes is, he won't shoulder the responsibility of being tough enough on him to assign him more responsibility and less gaming time. How sad for all three of you. If you are satisfied with the status quo, you should stay. However, if you would like to be married and move in with Drew, I don't think it's in the cards, and you should step out of the picture.
DEAR ABBY: I really like this guy. He makes me so happy. He told me he is attracted to me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. When we spend time together, we always have a great time. When I reach out to him, he doesn't always respond right away, but he treats me wonderfully when he does. I really want us to date -- not have a "relationship," just date. How can I tell him that? -- FALLING HARD FOR HIM DEAR FALLING HARD: This guy may have the same thing in mind as you do. There may be reasons you should be aware of as to why he doesn't always respond to you in a timely fashion. He may need to concentrate on school, his job or another girlfriend. It would be in your best interests to know why. Since you would be willing to date him under the circumstances you described, speak up, and see how he reacts. |
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DEAR ABBY: After a lonely post-divorce decade, I have found a loving man whom I'll call "Drew." We share many of the same interests and values, and are enjoying this second chance at love and romance. We spend time at each other's homes, and my grown kids like having him around. The challenge is the erratic and angry behavior of his 27-year-old son, "Adam," who lives in the building my boyfriend owns and resides in. Adam was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Drew now says the diagnosis was inaccurate, and Adam is learning how to deal with his emotions without heavy medication. Abby, Adam?has never held a job, and manages only one junior college class a semester in his quest to enter a four-year university. The balance of his time is spent gaming with online friends and complaining about neighbors who rent in the building. I have witnessed his disturbing and angry behavior and have made clear I will remove myself from the drama should things get heated in my presence. What I'm struggling with is the passive way Drew is managing Adam's bullying and negative behavior. When Adam acts out, Drew is often sworn at, derided, manipulated and disrespected. The co-dependence and enabling in this father-son relationship prevents any chance of Adam attaining an independent life. Drew becomes very defensive when I speak about his son, and there is rarely agreement about how to handle a particular outburst. I'm not sure I can manage a future with him if his son comes as a package deal. Should I stay or should I go??-- SEES WRITING ON THE WALL DEAR SEES WRITING:?Face it -- Drew's mentally challenged son is part of a package deal. Your boyfriend has no intention of changing the dynamic between him and Adam because, unpleasant as it sometimes is, he won't shoulder the responsibility of being tough enough on him to assign him more responsibility and less gaming time. How sad for all three of you. If you are satisfied with the status quo, you should stay. However, if you would like to be married and move in with Drew, I don't think it's in the cards, and you should step out of the picture.
DEAR ABBY: I really like this guy. He makes me so happy. He told me he is attracted to me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. When we spend time together, we always have a great time. When I reach out to him, he doesn't always respond right away, but he treats me wonderfully when he does. I really want us to date -- not have a "relationship," just date. How can I tell him that??-- FALLING HARD FOR HIM DEAR FALLING HARD:? |
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Just try to live out the confusion until they start ?to become clear.
Are You Guilty Of Living By This Dangerous Phrase?
Direct link:?
Just try to live out the confusion until they start ?to become clear.
Are You Guilty Of Living By This Dangerous Phrase?
Direct link:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 24, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 24, 2024
Kirk's Puns? ? ?
I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police.??They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness. ? The venerable host of ABC's NIGHTLINE has suffered for years with a disorder of his feet.??Seems he has a recurring "ingrown" condition with the digits of his feet.??His podiatrist explains that this malady tends to run in his family.??It's called "Koppel toenail syndrome." ? We painted our floor with luminous paint, so now the florescent what it used to be. ? When the steak was under-cooked, the customer got a raw deal. ? Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.??The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.??Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.??Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.??The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words???"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing, "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"
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Kirk's Limerick
When they voted Yes, it did imply That they favored proposals that I ????????????Had suggested today, ????????????So I guess you could say That the people all saw?Aye?to?Aye. ? Chris, Carol, and Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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A Delivery Funny
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."
>>>Today's Thot
Go out there and be the surprise onion ring in someone's french fries today.
Received from Mikey's Funnies..
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Yet More Dave Barry QuotesThe books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
"Turbulence." This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: "How can I get in on that?"
- From AZQuotes.com
Received from Wayne Onaka.
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Punny Signs Of Good Taste¡??
At a fast food restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
Over the beer tap at a tavern: "One Pitcher's Worth A Thousand Words."
In a health food restaurant: "All You Should Eat, $6.50."
At a German restaurant: "Where The In Kraut Goes For Lunch."
On an inn's wine rack: "We're No. 1 On The Best Cellar List."
Received from Phoenixbird.
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1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.? 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. ----- Signs and Notices On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.' Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice' A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest. Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead' A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'? Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. -----
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
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Healthy?Lifestyle
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."? "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said. -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Everyone seemed to like the Deadpool Bachelorette spot last night but can we talk about the episode? Thought Jenn made some strong choices, except for sending my countryman Brendan packing. Marcus is easy on the eyes, Grant was a little much and the day trading thing, but I get it. Two Sams will get confusing so slightly leaning towards Sam N. Jenn¡¯s mom might have been the highlight and ...
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Why can't towels tell jokes?
Because they have a dry sense of humor. -----
A forester often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, a forester encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing", "Beware of Dog", and "Keep Out... This Means You!"
Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.
When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way." -----
Thought Of The Day: The Only Limit ¡°The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.¡±
- Franklin D. Roosevelt ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I used to play in a band together. He played guitar, and I sang. He now has another female singer in his band, and I can hardly contain my feelings. In the beginning, he was invited into an existing band she was already in, and he accepted. But then, that band broke up and reformed, and he kept the girl in it. He knows how badly I have wanted to sing again. I tried endlessly to resurrect us as a duo or a starter band, but getting him to work with me was like pulling teeth. I was a singer in my own right before him and since, but he has never been honest with me about why he doesn't want me to perform with him again. This has affected my confidence so much I have virtually given up singing. It kills me that I've relinquished my artistic identity over this. The thing is, he's just a local player -- this is not the big time. He had his heyday years ago, and she's just average. They don't have a following or crowds lining up to see them. I have tried to be supportive because he needed the confidence. But I'm like two people -- the supportive wife and the manipulative green-eyed monster. To add insult to injury, she's made clear that she doesn't like me by unfriending me on social media. She named the band after herself, and posts provocative pictures of herself in the band all over the internet. I hate feeling like this. I don't like who I am. Do you have any advice? -- JEALOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR JEALOUS: Although the band was your husband's in the beginning, at the end of your letter you state that the vocalist has named the band after herself -- which leads me to believe the band is now hers and he is her employee. The fact that this new band isn't doing particularly well may mean that it won't last much longer. You had a singing career before you met your husband. It may be time to consider resurrecting it and reclaiming your own artistic identity.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was widowed a number of years ago. She's now getting married for the second time. She and her fiance are financially stable. They both have good jobs and are financing the wedding themselves. They have plenty of furniture and other household items. My question is, what can we give them as a wedding present, or how can we help them? Would it be appropriate to offer to pay for the wedding cake and champagne for the reception? Any other suggestions would be appreciated. -- PARENTS OF THE BRIDE DEAR PARENTS: Why not propose your idea and ask if your daughter has any other ideas about how you can be helpful. Because she and her fiance have good jobs and are financing the wedding themselves, consider offering to buy them something for their new home, such as an appliance, or to contribute toward their honeymoon. ? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D.? iTunes, or should we say "eye-tunes," like "Doctor My Eyes" (Jackson Browne) and "Double Vision" (Foreigner), express how quality of life is affected by what you can and cannot see. That's why it's so alarming to hear that by 2030, over 30% of young kids and 40% of teens will be nearsighted. And globally, in the next 25 years, there will be 740 million cases of myopia, aka nearsightedness, in children and teens.
What's fueling this trend? Lack of time spent outdoors and too much ...
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Good morning, from Artie ? Allow me to explain. I had an appointment very early this morning, at the cancer center. They connected me to an intravenous??device, to put back items my body was low with. I was there for an hour and a half. This afternoon another appointment at a blood vein and artery doctor. I was not able to send out my normal items I send to you. Sorry about that. The way it looks now, I will not be able to do my other items either. So, there you have it. Artie??doesn¡¯t have the time I need, to create my humorous items. I apologize for this, but my staff of doctors is taking up my computer time today. God bless.
Lest We Forget
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It¡¯s ok if sometimes you want to ?act normal.
Be The Rainbow!
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Daily Jokes and Comics for October 22, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics?
for October 22, 2024? ??
Kirk's Puns? ??
Bring me a rubber band and make it snappy! ? A fat guy in a Speedo decided to become a streaker, but he was unable to pull it off. ? The doctor would recover from his injuries, but was having trouble being patient. ? The 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 were constantly arguing and always at odds. ? Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused -- not that she suffered from dementia or anything -- she simply was a bit "blonde."??She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.??One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.??When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano."??Holmes replied, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."
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Kirk's Limericks
Railway company is unfettered. Their performance is great, not chequered. ????????????All their work is the best. ????????????I suppose you have guessed That the firm has a?good?track?record. ? Conrad and Carol and Jim and Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Today's One-Liner
I had my patience tested; I'm negative.
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Quote
"If your plan is for 1 year, plant rice. If your plan is for 10 years, plant trees. If your plan is for 100 years, educate children." - Confucius
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Holiday Buns on Fire
Stop, drop, and pass the rolls!
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Banking Hiccup
While waiting in line at the bank, a friend developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. "Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." "It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
~~ Faith, Healing, Prayer Answered "No" I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith ..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed." The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that, hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'" ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
----- Autumn
Warm sunlight caresses a pathway of gold
The beauty of Autumn with colours so bold
The hues of the sumac, the crimson and brown
Each leaf like a whisper falls soft to the ground The Fall is alluring and yet it won¡¯t last
The salmon are spawning, the shadow is cast
The birds sing their warning and wing their way south
The squirrels are stuffing their bellies and mouth It¡¯s time for warm sweaters and firm hiking shoes
Go map out a trail there¡¯s no time to lose
The long days are waning and summer¡¯s no more
Each season still blesses with more to explore -- Susan Page
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DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.? Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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Here are three words that sum up about our life: ?it goes on.
Know Who You Are
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Daily Clean Jokes with Comics for October 21, 2024 *
| Daily Clean Jokes & Comics for October 21, 2024
A Taste Funny? ? ? ?
A woman isn't feeling well and goes into Urgent Care:
Nurse: "have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"
Patient: "No, I've always dressed this way."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
Children are like pancakes. The first one always comes out a little weird.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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School of AgricultureThe school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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Computers and Cars
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.? 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. ----- This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the photographer developed the pictures - he took off with the cash register.
Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself. ----- I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:
"Resume all unnecessary work."
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Holmes and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.? "I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Daily Jokes _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Men are like fine wine ...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
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I went to the doctor the other day and complained about my sore feet.
He said: ¡°Gout!¡±
I said: ¡°But I¡¯ve only just walked in!¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??Well Balanced Perspective ¡°In order to maintain a well balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.¡±
- Peterborough Examiner, Canada
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The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Must Stay Drunk ¡°You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.¡±
¨D Ray Bradbury
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I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
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Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.
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One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat."
The second felt it and said "It feels flat."
The third stares at it and says "It looks flat."
All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."
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Thought Of The Day:??A Great Future ¡°A great future doesn¡¯t require a great past.¡±
Received from aJokeADay.
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DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife and I and several other couples were houseguests in a large home. Among them was a couple who, when introduced, mentioned that the husband was a chiropractor. The following day, as we were all watching TV, my wife mentioned having neck and arm discomfort. The chiropractor offered to adjust her neck and back and they left. After 30 minutes, I became concerned. After an hour, other guests were raising their eyebrows. I checked the house and couldn't find them, but I didn't look in bedrooms with closed doors. After 90 minutes, I quietly asked his wife where they were, and she said in their bedroom. I requested she check on them, and they promptly came out. There wasn't a scene, but I was upset. I was later advised that my attitude about this was "inappropriate." I'd appreciate your take on the situation. -- DUMBFOUNDED IN GEORGIA DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I don't think your attitude was inappropriate. You were uncomfortable because of your wife's long absence with another man while everyone else was mingling. That the chiropractor's wife knew where her husband and your wife were suggests to me there was nothing for you to worry about, but your feelings were your feelings, and under the circumstances, you were entitled to them.
DEAR ABBY: My parents live with my husband and me. I have a horrible relationship with my brother. He has always been demeaning, cruel and emotionally abusive to me. When my brother attacks, he goes for the jugular. Whenever I must have contact with him, I get so upset I can't sleep for days. My husband and I have decided to cut him out of our lives, but my elderly mother will not accept that. When I tell her I can't see him, she shakes and cries for days. She says family forgives anything and everything, and I just have to put up with it. Is that true? -- HURT IN INDIANA DEAR HURT: Of course not! Stop telegraphing your plans to your mother, and stay away from your abuser. While you're doing that, remember that dear old Mom is responsible for her own feelings, and her tears and tremors stop when she gets her own way. You are an adult. You do not have to please your mother. And relatives do not have to forgive the unforgivable just because they happen to be blood-related.
-DEAR ABBY: I have caught a close friend in several lies, small and big, over the past few years. Prior to this, we were close, but since these lies have piled up, I have pulled back. I don't trust her anymore and wonder how many more lies there are. My question is, should I just let the friendship fizzle, or does she deserve an explanation? -- TRUTH TELLER IN NEW JERSEY DEAR TRUTH TELLER: If she asks why your relationship is no longer as close as it once was, tell her the truth since you are the truth teller. Unless she initiates the conversation, I see nothing to be gained by confronting her and possibly creating a scene.
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