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Daily Clean Jokes for October 26, 2024

 

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 26, 2024


Kirk's Puns

Why did the knife sharpener quit his job?

????He couldn't take the grind.

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Artists know where to draw the line.

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If you tell a falsehood just after waking up, you are lying in bed.

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Authorities are seeking a 6-foot octopus for the robbery of a convenience store.??He is described as "heavily armed."??His accomplice is a large porcupine described as "tall, dark and prickly."??Police have issued an "all points" bulletin.

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Two electricians were in a race, and it went down to the wire. They just kept plugging away. Suddenly the electricity went off and they didn't know watt was the problem. Then it came back and they both surged on as a result of the switch. The finally finished the battery of tests.


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Kirk's Jokes


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother."

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink."

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Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."??That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."


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Kirk's Godfather


His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.

What do you guys think?

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What does the duck say mommy?

Quack Quack.

What does the kitty say mommy?

Meow.

What does the donkey say?

You'll have to ask daddy when he gets back from golfing.

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Thought Of The Day:??How To Raise Children

¡°Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.¡±

- P. J. O¡¯Rourke

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Medical Problem

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"?

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

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The Big Question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.?

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

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Cowboy Problem

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"?

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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Chinese Meal

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.?

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Wolverine, but it's Danny DeVito

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DEAR ABBY: My wife continually dirties the floors in our home because she refuses to stop wearing shoes in the house. She'll be out all day -- at work, running errands, etc. -- and then come home and keep her same shoes on. She has even done yard work and then come inside wearing those same shoes!

It's a family trait for her -- her mother does the same thing in her house. We recently visited her aunt and uncle -- both of whom were wearing outdoor shoes indoors! How do I convince my wife that our house is dirty specifically because of this? -- IN MY SLIPPERS

DEAR SLIPPERS: According to the August 2024 issue of Consumer Reports, half of household dust is tracked or carried into homes from outside. The soles of our shoes can also carry viruses as well as other unhealthy and unpleasant substances. Instituting an indoor/outdoor policy might help to keep your house cleaner, but the habits of a lifetime are hard to break, and your wife may have trouble changing. A workable compromise might be to have a doormat outside for scraping dust and debris off shoes. Suggest it to her as a possible solution.


DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are drafting our wills. Our sticking point is my son's wife. She has had affairs and spends money like crazy that they don't have. Is there any way we can shelter from her any inheritance he might receive from us? We considered hiring a private investigator but wouldn't know what we'd do should a current affair be discovered. We couldn't tell our son. Please help us decide. -- TACTFUL IN TEXAS

DEAR TACTFUL: Because the laws vary from state to state, the person who should answer this question would be your attorney or your CPA. They can advise you on how to word your wills and estate plans.

P.S. Because your daughter-in-law has a history of infidelity, if you hire a P.I. and he or she finds evidence that she's cheating again, you should let your son know and the context in which the discovery was made.



DEAR ABBY: My stepson has invited my husband and me to his home for Thanksgiving this year. After agreeing to go, I found out that the meal will consist of vegetarian lasagna. I feel this is inconsiderate of my stepson and his wife because they know my husband and I have always enjoyed traditional Thanksgiving (including the Thanksgiving meal of roasted turkey). Please, what is your opinion? I feel like it's just not Thanksgiving without the turkey. -- WANTING A FEAST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WANTING: I'm so glad you asked. The Thanksgiving celebration is a tradition in which families and friends join together to give thanks for being together and enjoy food, friendship and the freedoms we are privileged to have in this country. If you need protein, have some before you go.

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Give?us a sense of humor,
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk? ...??

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Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.?

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Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.

Available Free by E-mail every day.?

To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP O'CHEER in the subject line to mvandriesen@...??

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