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Daily Clean Jokes for October 24, 2024

 

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 24, 2024

Kirk's Puns? ? ?

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police.??They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

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The venerable host of ABC's NIGHTLINE has suffered for years with a disorder of his feet.??Seems he has a recurring "ingrown" condition with the digits of his feet.??His podiatrist explains that this malady tends to run in his family.??It's called "Koppel toenail syndrome."

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We painted our floor with luminous paint, so now the florescent what it used to be.

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When the steak was under-cooked, the customer got a raw deal.

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Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.??The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.??Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.??Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.??The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words???"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing, "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"


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Kirk's Limerick


When they voted Yes, it did imply

That they favored proposals that I

????????????Had suggested today,

????????????So I guess you could say

That the people all saw?Aye?to?Aye.

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Chris, Carol, and Jim got it.


Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.


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A Delivery Funny

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

>>>Today's Thot

Go out there and be the surprise onion ring in someone's french fries today.

Received from Mikey's Funnies..

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Yet More Dave Barry Quotes

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

"Turbulence." This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: "How can I get in on that?"

- From AZQuotes.com

Received from Wayne Onaka.


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Punny Signs Of Good Taste¡­??

At a fast food restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."

Over the beer tap at a tavern: "One Pitcher's Worth A Thousand Words."

In a health food restaurant: "All You Should Eat, $6.50."

At a German restaurant: "Where The In Kraut Goes For Lunch."

On an inn's wine rack: "We're No. 1 On The Best Cellar List."

Received from Phoenixbird.

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You Know You're a Redneck ...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.?

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

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Signs and Notices

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'?

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"


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Healthy?Lifestyle


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."?

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Everyone seemed to like the Deadpool Bachelorette spot last night but can we talk about the episode? Thought Jenn made some strong choices, except for sending my countryman Brendan packing. Marcus is easy on the eyes, Grant was a little much and the day trading thing, but I get it. Two Sams will get confusing so slightly leaning towards Sam N. Jenn¡¯s mom might have been the highlight and ...


Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


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Why can't towels tell jokes?

Because they have a dry sense of humor.

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A forester often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, a forester encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing", "Beware of Dog", and "Keep Out... This Means You!"

Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.

When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."

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Thought Of The Day:

The Only Limit

¡°The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.¡±

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I used to play in a band together. He played guitar, and I sang. He now has another female singer in his band, and I can hardly contain my feelings. In the beginning, he was invited into an existing band she was already in, and he accepted. But then, that band broke up and reformed, and he kept the girl in it. He knows how badly I have wanted to sing again. I tried endlessly to resurrect us as a duo or a starter band, but getting him to work with me was like pulling teeth.

I was a singer in my own right before him and since, but he has never been honest with me about why he doesn't want me to perform with him again. This has affected my confidence so much I have virtually given up singing. It kills me that I've relinquished my artistic identity over this. The thing is, he's just a local player -- this is not the big time. He had his heyday years ago, and she's just average. They don't have a following or crowds lining up to see them.

I have tried to be supportive because he needed the confidence. But I'm like two people -- the supportive wife and the manipulative green-eyed monster. To add insult to injury, she's made clear that she doesn't like me by unfriending me on social media. She named the band after herself, and posts provocative pictures of herself in the band all over the internet. I hate feeling like this. I don't like who I am. Do you have any advice? -- JEALOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JEALOUS: Although the band was your husband's in the beginning, at the end of your letter you state that the vocalist has named the band after herself -- which leads me to believe the band is now hers and he is her employee. The fact that this new band isn't doing particularly well may mean that it won't last much longer. You had a singing career before you met your husband. It may be time to consider resurrecting it and reclaiming your own artistic identity.




DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was widowed a number of years ago. She's now getting married for the second time. She and her fiance are financially stable. They both have good jobs and are financing the wedding themselves. They have plenty of furniture and other household items.

My question is, what can we give them as a wedding present, or how can we help them? Would it be appropriate to offer to pay for the wedding cake and champagne for the reception? Any other suggestions would be appreciated. -- PARENTS OF THE BRIDE

DEAR PARENTS: Why not propose your idea and ask if your daughter has any other ideas about how you can be helpful. Because she and her fiance have good jobs and are financing the wedding themselves, consider offering to buy them something for their new home, such as an appliance, or to contribute toward their honeymoon.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?

iTunes, or should we say "eye-tunes," like "Doctor My Eyes" (Jackson Browne) and "Double Vision" (Foreigner), express how quality of life is affected by what you can and cannot see. That's why it's so alarming to hear that by 2030, over 30% of young kids and 40% of teens will be nearsighted. And globally, in the next 25 years, there will be 740 million cases of myopia, aka nearsightedness, in children and teens.

What's fueling this trend? Lack of time spent outdoors and too much ...


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Good morning, from Artie

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Allow me to explain. I had an appointment very early this morning, at the cancer center. They connected me to an intravenous??device, to put back items my body was low with. I was there for an hour and a half. This afternoon another appointment at a blood vein and artery doctor. I was not able to send out my normal items I send to you. Sorry about that. The way it looks now, I will not be able to do my other items either. So, there you have it. Artie??doesn¡¯t have the time I need, to create my humorous items. I apologize for this, but my staff of doctors is taking up my computer time today. God bless.




Lest We Forget
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