Today's One-Liner:??Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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Quote
Clint Eastwood, 94-year-old actor legend, formulated one of the most important lessons of his life so far for the young generation:
"Don't look for luxury in watches or bracelets, don't look for luxury in villas or sailboats!?Luxury is laughter and friends, luxury is rain on your face, luxury is hugs and kisses.
Don't look for luxury in shops, don't look for it in gifts, don't look for it in parties, don't look for it in events!?Luxury is being loved by people, luxury is being respected, luxury is having your parents alive, luxury is being able to play with your grandchildren. Luxury is what money can't buy."
- Clint Eastwood
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Kirk's Puns
Eve was nigh Adam; Adam was naive.
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The latest novelty act to be seen on television is a dancing duck.??Waddle they think of next?
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What happened when the dry cleaner was mugged?
????He pressed charges.
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I saw a baby cow lying in the grass doing leg lifts.??He must have been developing his calf muscles.
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Last week, a few miles from here, a Little League team was playing a game one evening. The ball field is adjacent to a large ranch where cattle, swine and poultry are raised.??It seems that the game was very close and was hotly contested.??It was the bottom of the ninth inning.??The team at bat was one run behind with a runner at second base.??The batter was nervous, having a count of three balls and two strikes.??The next pitch might decide the game!??Just as the pitch was thrown, a large hog broke through the center field fence and ran onto the field.??At this exact moment, the batter managed a direct hit on the incoming pitch and launched the ball into the outfield.??The ball headed straight for the boar, and finally hit him on the flanks.??As the opposing team stared at him, the pig stopped in his tracks, then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and ran back through the fence and disappeared.??The umpire, proving that he was up to the occasion, ruled that the batting team had won, since the hit was an inside-the-pork home run.
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Kirk's Limericks
There's a parachute jump class that my
Wife attended and said with a sigh:
????????????"Class did not go real well,
????????????And the way I could tell
Was the?dropout?rate?was just sky high."
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"There's a handcrafted clock; I adore it.
It's in need of repair; please restore it,"
????????????I implore of a man.
????????????He replies, "Yes I can.
Pretty soon I'll be?making?time?for?it."
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Firm is selling hair trimmers that snip
Very fast, and their spokesman did quip
????????????That they've met with success.
????????????I suppose you can guess
That they're selling them?at?a?good?clip.
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The job training instructor's a lass
Who's so good no one else can surpass
????????????Her effectiveness rate,
????????????And the gal likes to state
She likes teaching the town's?working?class.
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Sports reporter does yearn for glory;
Had acclaim and now wants some more.??He
????????????Has just gathered info
????????????About marathons, so
He is ready to?run?a?story.
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Every year, I do like to pursue
Growing veggies, to name just a few:
????????????There are parsnips and beets
????????????And potatoes.??Friend tweets
Me a message: I'm?rooting?for?you.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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College DiplomaA grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here is something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she brought home!"
Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL.
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Cabbies
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.
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Envy, Jealousy, Selfishness
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Information Assistance
"Information.? Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause.? "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no.? It isn't a person.? It's an organization.? It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir.? I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*!? *Theater*!? The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That,?sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
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Laughing through Legal Woes:? 13 Lawyer Warning Signs
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
